When should I tell my family that I'm eloping?

If you are going to tell them then you are not eloping. Eloping implies that you are running away to get married.

I’m with @tinyfaery ; you’d tell them after the fact.

Tradition holds that he puts a ladder to your bedroom window and you both hoof it off to tie the knot.

I would say after it’s a done deal if you want to say you eloped. Well, as has been said!! I need a typing course

Can’t you just live together?

To answer your question I agree with @tinyfaery

And I’ll agree with @JLeslie about living together. You learn a lot more about someone when you live with them for some time. I almost think it should be a requirement for getting married.

I personally like the fact that being married brought both of our families together. I believe if you really reason with your family they would see why you love him and warm up to him.

But like others said if you are eloping you tell them by showing your wedding bands after the fact.

We want to live together. But right now my family is paying for my college and my dorm while Ivan and I are saving. They don’t know about our joint bank accounts or anything like that. Once Ivan gets the money he’s getting a place that we could live together close to my school. One of the reasons for marring is because we would be able to get an apartment on campus as a married couple.

@DarlingNikci Will your parents stop paying for school if you get married?

I’m scared they might.

Second the living together suggestion. I’m living with a boy right now, and I don’t think I will ever agree to it ever again.

I have been with my BF for five years and we do not mix finances….nor do I ever intend to.

I recommend giving it some time before you make it official. I thought the guy I was dating at your age was the only person in the world for me. Yeah, I might have married him if he had asked. Seven years later, there is no way in hell I’d still be with him, let alone marry him, as I have learned so much more about who I am and what I want and who he is and what he wants and how our values and goals in life do not align.

If you two are really a good match, you will still want to marry each other many years from now. There is really no need to rush into it.

It sounds like immature thinking to me. Wait until you are finished school. !8 and 20 are usually way too young to get married. And if you are supposedly mature enough to be married, how can you expect your parents to pay for school. I sure wouldn’t. You’ve been sneaking around.

Agree, if I were eloping I certainly would not expect my parents to finance my education.

I am not trying to say your relationship won’t last, or that your feelings will change about him, only that I think marrying him before you are done with school is not a good idea. You say you are combining funds, are you both putting in the same amount? You are keeping some money separate aren’t you? It seems there is no reason to combine funds right now. Why can’t you save in your own accounts and then when you get an apartment together you can each put down half or whatever you work out.

I’ve had as steady job for a while now and so has he. Right now I’m working to pay for my classes myself but everytime I try my parents claim that “they don’t want me to stress on it.” I understnd everything you guys are saying and I really thank all of you for the help. The reason why we got th joint accounts though were to help each other toward the appartment. Really it’s a down payment and enough for rent for a while… It’s our back up plan. Thank you again.

For crying out loud. What is the hurry? If they approved of him would you still want to rush out and get married? What is your reasoning behind wanting to get married NOW?

@DarlingNikci I understand. Seems like you want to save together because it is somehting you are doing together. But you can save the money in two separate accounts and still put it towards a down payment.

Are you considering telling your parents before you elope? Is that why you asked the question? That implies to me you are seeking their approval, or want them to freak out so you can spite them. I think you have a better chance of getting their approval if you do certain things in a particular order, like finish school first.

Also, do you live in the dorms? Can’t he visit any time he wants?

Even though you love each other and want to live together, using marriage as a means to get an apartment is not a good justification. What about off-campus housing? I think you should give it some time before you elope, just to make totally sure that both your motives are in the right place.

“My family hates him because he’s not their ideal for me and they refused to have any part in our future.” ... “I’m just not sure when I should tell my family the happy news.”

It’s clear that you don’t expect them to take it as happy news. I suspect you also know already that elopement is explicitly something you do secretly and do not announce ahead of time. Seems fair to guess, therefore, that if you do tell them ahead of time, all hell will break loose.

So what I am wondering, young @DarlingNikci, is if in some private quarter of your thoughts you are hoping that your family will say the “no” that you have not been able to say.

Please, don’t get married…..please.

I was pressured into getting married when I was young because my parents thought living together was “horrifying” and what would the neighbors think? I wanted to just live together and see how that worked out. Well, we got married. I was 19 and by the time I was 23 with a graduate degree under my belt, I didn’t even know the person I had married, we had grown apart spiritually, physically and intellectually. He and I didn’t argue or anything….we were just complete strangers. We had nothing in common. At all. We divorced and that was one of the most heart-wrenching things in my life even though we knew it was for the best. ( And this was because we both had supportive parents and we both had university degrees and were okay financially…and even then it didn’t work out.) Marriage is serious, serious business.

You now have options. With the recession, as I understand it, you can rent a place for a lot less than two years ago. I don’t think that married student housing really saves you that much more….check around, look around. Rent a studio (bed-sit in the UK), even, if it is only the two of you. I’ll tell you what, if you rent a studio and you can live in that small a space and not go crazy, then it is for real.

I hate to sound like your parents….I still remember what it was like to be 18… I promise you…but I would move heaven and earth to get you guys to just live together rather than walking down the aisle….

Why? Because at 18, you have your whole life ahead. And who you are at 18 changes so dramatically by 22 (when you finish school). Is Ivan in school? I am guessing that he is not… which is part of why your parents are upset about it. Does he plan to go to school? If your parents don’t approve of him….why don’t they? (Could you fill us in?)

Can _you_get your own apartment and have him hang out a bit more with you?

I’m trying to think of all possibilities for you…except marriage. Till you are older.

And I agree….eloping….means you don’t tell till it is over.

Don’t elope. Don’t get married. And this is said not to dishonor your feelings which at 18 are really important….I know that.

What about, “Mom and Dad….I want to move out into my own place…with Ivan…and stay single. If you don’t approve….then I will be forced to marry him….so we can get cheap student housing….”

Let me tell you a story….

I was a mom with a headstrong and brilliant daughter…she was dating a guy that I did not approve of meeting him right before she was going away to university. This was the top university in the world. This was a dream that she had had all her life. I didn’t know this at the time, but this guy (who had no future) asked her to marry him and NOT go away to school! She made the decision to go to university anyway, but it broke her heart. (I was told nothing of this till later.) During her first semester, she found out things about him that he had kept secret and was grateful that she made the decision she did. While at college, she dated other people and then graduated and then went off to graduate school and her best friend (that she met at university) introduced her to her (now) husband. She would have never met him if she had not gone to university and graduate school…the man she married is from another country completely. He is so compatible with her on all levels that she laughs when she thinks of the other person she was with.

I guess if the story had gone the other way…I would have wanted to know and I would have said, “Okay, what can we do so that you can go to university and also be with this boy?” Her going to university was the most important thing. I really feel your parents will feel the same way. That’s why you should work something out with them.

You don’t know what the future holds for you….and yes, there are people who do marry at 18 and make it. But they are in the minority.I would live with your boyfriend….not marry him. And certainly not just to get cheap housing! I am sure you parents would help you if it came down to “I need to marry him to live in cheap housing” or “Please help me to live with him….because I am too young to marry…” If you feel the same way at 22, then maybe marry him.

I wish you all the best….I really do…..I know that you feel deep and strong feelings for Ivan….but please, please…..

If you feel you can’t live without him….LIVE with him….don’t marry him.

I really wish you the best.

Sorry this was so long….but I feel so strongly about this.

57.5 thousand GAs, @DarlingRhadamanthus

Getting married=a legal contract. Remember that, because you could get burned. Badly.

@Jeruba I thought the same, that she wants them to say “no.” I asked the more open ended question, because I thought maybe she does not realize what she wants.

Most young marriages break up because of money problems. Part of being mature enough to get married is being mature enough to know whether or not waiting to get married would mean a better future for the relationship.

@PandoraBoxx Yes. You love, Love, LOVE this person but then, you get into the real world and you realize the fact that they’re making one excuse after another for losing yet another job, and you don’t have the money to pay the bills because of it…well, the love grows thin.

I suggest that you just live with the guy until you finish college. It is all very well to want to pay your own tuition, but the reality of it can lead to dropping out of school. If Ivan still looks good to you once you have your degree and can get a job making real money, then go ahead and marry him with or without your parents’ consent if you want.

However, life is much nicer when your parents and your husband like and respect each other.

when you get back. ;)

I say try to reconcile with your parents; they may come around and like the guy, or the guy may become more likeable for your parents (and if so, they won’t cut off your education funding, and they’ll probably give you a nice wedding). They will not appreciate you running off to get married at all.
I don’t recommend living together; it kinda makes a “so what?” out of marriage, and that’s not good.
And what’s all this about separate finances? Legally, marriage is the formation of a single entity from two entities. Separating the finances flies in the face of that, and it’ll be really hard to keep up when you have kids.
I agree with the others: you should put off getting married until one or both of you have established yourselves in the world.

You have been such good advice from most of those who answered before me.

Love this young man but build your life and your own plans for a career before you get married. You have so much to learn about yourself and about him before you get married.
If you still want to get married in, say, five or eight years from now, you will be ready to make that decision. Find a way to live together and keep a good relationship with your parents. They are more than just a financial resource! Family and love are important. You don’t have to compromise one to have the other.

I wish you good luck and great love in your life.

My vote is to just live with him for a while. If I married every guy that I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with, I’d be rich, rich, rich in alimony payments right now. Don’t take that the wrong way – things could certainly work out between you guys, and it does sound like you both love each other very much, but the truth is that so much growth takes place well into the 20s that getting married is a huge risk.

Are you guys planning on actually having a wedding with all of your family involved or are you two going to a remote location to get eloped without their knowledge. I did that on my first marriage and its the worst mistake ever. I didn’t have my family there to congratulate me because they hated the lady I was seeing. It was doomed from the first day. Would they be happy to you if you got eloped? do they like this person at all?

elope

–verb (used without object)
1. to run off secretly to be married, usually without the consent or knowledge of one’s parents.
2. to run away with a lover.
3. to leave without permission or notification; escape.

You elope. You can’t get eloped.