What do adults mean when they say they are not allowed to do something?

That’s people for you! I don’t like certain things, but I don’t want him to feel the need to lie and I don’t want to change him.

Its called “keeping the peace”. allowing, borderlines controlling a person to a degree. in other words, if the girl does not allow her boyfriend to smoke pot, there could be repercussions and this usually means no sex. this is not always the case. lets face it, some people are controllers and other people are not.

I think being “allowed” to do certain things is good/bad on a case to case basis. For instance, very early in our relationship, my man said “G**damn” during a conversation we were having. I told him right then that he could not say that word around me, and that I’d appreciate it if he didn’t say it at all. I haven’t heard him say it since. It’s a respect thing sometimes. Other times, it’s not.

It means observing the requests of someone else both to be polite and to show them a measure of respect, because you love and respect them.

Assuming they are in good relationships, meaning their spouses are not abusive or controlling in general, the word allowed is used lightly to describe what their spouse prefers or has requested. If is the same as if I say to someone at the doctors office, “can I steal this magaizine,” You are not stealing, you are asking permission to take it, but you realize it is not there for the taking.

I said recently to a friend that, “my husband is threatening to take away my landline phone.” He is not a dictator, or my parent, if I was really against it he would not do it. But, he really wants to do it.

It’s just a word. In most cases there’s a hint of humor to it, but it just means that there are things that their SO doesn’t like that they’re willing to abide by. It shows some respect. Rarely does it mean that someone is exerting an abusive level of control.

But how do you smoke pot behind someone’s back? Did she loser her sense of smell in the war? Also, that sounds like the definition of addiction.

It’s just another way of saying that their S/O strongly prefers them not to do something. Sometimes the preference can be so strong as to be relationship-ending if not complied with.

Compromise that does not harm either party. I don’t agree with the hiding of things, such as weed in your example. But the no cutting hair is one that is present in my own relationship. I use to grow and then chop off my hair all the time (well as fast as it grew that is) always changing my hair style. My SO loves long natural hair. I have stopped dying and cutting my hair because I know he appreciates it and loves it on me. I’d much rather him appreciate my long wavy locks then cut and dye them just for the latest trend. In all honesty, it was freeing and I love my hair much more now than I ever did before <3

I say that my wife won’t let me shave my beard. What this means is that she doesn’t want me to, and since I don’t really care that much, I don’t do it. One day I may decide I really want to shave it, and if that happens I will do it. But if I want it that bad my wife will be OK with it, perhaps with a little convincing.

So even though my friend wants to cut her hair and doesn’t, this is showing respect? Shouldn’t he respect her wishes to cut her hair? I don’t see how respect has anything to do with it. Respect is accepting someone else’s choices. It seems like more of a lack of respect.

@john65pennington is right it’s called keeping the peace. There’s stuff I’m ‘not allowed’ to do- whatever, ok – I’d rather not do it than have a screaming argument over it.

@tinyfaery That depends on the couple and on how badly she wants to cut it. Respect goes both ways, and sometimes you decide that a particular wish of your partner’s is more important than your own opposing desire, as in the case of my beard above. But if she desperately wants to cut her hair and he has laid down some ultimatum and she is chafing under it, then there is a serious communication problem between them. If she has made clear how much she wants to cut her hair and he maintains his ultimatum, then that is bordering on abuse, and it certainly represents a relationship in which more physical abuse is possible. And he’s a jerk. But just because she says she’s not allowed to cut her hair doesn’t mean that the extreme case applies.

The hair thing is definitely not in the same category as the things I don’t “allow” my husband to do.
My friend just cut her hair short, and dyed it blonde (usually a blonde highlights/brown hair), her husband was upset that she didn’t consult him..I found that ridiculous. But, his reasoning was that he just wanted to be told about the change, that it was a huge change in her appearance. He did say he didn’t like it..but that’s tough cookies.

The things my husband is not allowed to do:
Clip his toenails where I can hear him. shudders
Eat stinky foods in the bedroom…like orange chicken, or anything teriyaki smelling. I hate teriyaki.

Mine are minor things and don’t affect our lives at all, and it’s mainly because I get grossed out so he respects that. It may sound silly to some, but it works for us that he’ll eat in the kitchen then come to bed if he wants something that I can’t stand the smell of.
My husband currently wants me to chop off my hair, which I’ve been growing for the past couple years. He doesn’t tell me I have to, but tells me how sexy he knows it looks and thinks about how great I’d look…but I personally don’t want to because it took so long to grow my hair! I might compromise and switch up the style…cutting off a couple inches, doing some angles. But, it’s definitely not going above my shoulders like he wants! lol

“Once one becomes an adult no one can tell that person what to do.” WRONG! You will always have someone telling you what to do. Government tells us what we can and can’t do. Employers tell us what we can and can’t do. Religion tells us what we can and can’t do. Physicians tell us what we can and can’t do. And yes – Family and Friends will always try to tell us what we can and can’t do. As adults, we can choose whether or not to follow the rules, but we are expected to understand the consequences of our actions.

If I break the law, I could go to jail. If I don’t do what my boss says, I could be fired. If I don’t follow my religion, I could go to hell. If I don’t follow my doctor’s advice, I could die. If I don’t do as my significant other wants, I could lose my relationship with them.

Everything in life has a cost and a benefit. I might benefit from a new hair cut, but if it costs me peace in my home, or having a veto on something my husband wants, it’s not worth it. We can never do everything we want. We can only do what we want the most.

it means they value their SO’s opinion enough to wait a little longer before getting rid of a favorite feature. obviously they can do whatever they want. what your friend wants, in this case, is to leave her hair long for her husband’s sake.

Once you become an adult, provided you’ve made good choices in life, there’s few things (legalities not withstanding) an adult is truly not able to do.

Instead of saying “I’m not allowed to do X,” I think people really mean “I’ve made choices that make it better for me to not do X.” It’s easier to blame someone else.

I’m “not allowed” to have a Snuggie. The boy hates them. But the truth is, I’m totally allowed to have a Snuggie, but the repercussion is tension with the boy. My choice.

I’m, surprisingly, going to go with @john65pennington‘s answer.
Not necessarily that it’s about getting (or not getting) nookie, but they’re minor sacrifices you do in order to keep the relationship alright.

Seriously though, how do you smoke anything, let alone pot, behind someone’s back? She has to know, right?

@tinyfaery I think you are being too literal. It is said with some fun. I think you tend to not find humor in things like this, my sister is the same. It’s just an observation, not a criticism. Like how I use the term “girl” loosely when talking about adult women. You both are offended by the term.

@emmtee Way to not get what I meant at all.

Relationships always involve compromise. If a partner has a particularly strong wish, then it may just be worth complying with that wish for the benefits of being with that person. They are able to do otherwise, but saying they are not allowed is just shorthand for “I don’t want to because it would hurt my partner and our relationship”. Some people can be relaxed about things, and others can’t.

I’m the same way as you @tinyfaery. There are things my boyfriend likes to do that I wish he didn’t but I would never forbid him from doing those things. The same is true about some stuff I do as well. I see an awful lot of people telling their SO’s that they can’t do this, that or the other thing or that they can’t see certain people and are deadly serious. I think that’s ridiculous.

As for why it happens, well I suspect that’s because everyone is a little bit controlling. little things like what @casheroo was saying certainly aren’t bad. I think that’s normal and even healthy for a relationship to set a few small bounds to maintain sanity. However, telling a woman she can’t cut her hair? That’s ridiculous. Telling a man he can’t eat certain foods? Also ridiculous.

I’m not offended by the term girl, and I do not mean harmless compromises. I mean when people actually don’t do something they really want to do because of the chance of causing some friction.

Sorry if I misunderstood.

Obviously people even commit murder and other hideous crimes. If there were anything you are, as an adult, not allowed to do, those things would be among the top of the list. There are things we aren’t allowed to do because the laws of nature are against them. There, it’s perfectly legitimate to say I am not allowed to do this. As in I am not allowed to shape shift at will, or turn myself invisible with an inner cloaking field. I can’t self replicate like Agent Smith could do in the Matrix. In fact, there is a very long list of things I can seemingly see people do in the movies that I can’t do in the real world.

I can’t even do some things that other people can. As a 65 year old man, I can’t get pregnant. I also will not be allowed to beat Tom Brady out of his job as an NFL quarterback. I could take voice lessons till my dying day, but that would never allow me to sing like Placido Domingo did.

But when it comes down to not doing something we wish to do and are capable of doing because we want to please our mate, or even please our community, the right wording is, “I chose not to do this.” Some people probably just mentally translate it into the more compelling, “I am not allowed to do this.” because that relieves them from thinking about wanting to, and being hamstrung by the competing desire to please the one/s forbidding it. It falsely pushes the constraining responsibility onto other/s thus freeing self from considering the option, “Yes, I can!”

It is just a way for one person to show a “rebellious” form of love to the other.

When I said I could not do something because my other half would not allow me. I felt like it was a way to show a commitment. It is kind of cute. :-)

It’s a great way to demonstrate that they haven’t a mind of your own and are under the control of their s/o,spouse,master,guardian,keeper,probation officer or “mother“It’s a less obvious way than to wear a t-shirt that says “Dumbass” ;)

You need to use the word “adult” very carefully here when applying it to some of these instances. Plus throughout long term relationships people change. Young lovers who get married early on are doing youthful things together and as they “grow up” one partner may abandon and even object to a behavior or activity and the other resists letting go of that activity they still enjoy. If a compromise can be reached you will begin to hear what you are stating here in your question or you will then see sneaky behavior ensue all in the name of the institution of marriage!

@eponymoushipster Fact from fiction, truth from diction! doing backflips I knew he was more than humorous quips That said everything and then some, fact over fiction, and with great truth over any diction (aka hot air). You don’t do out of love and respect not because you are a puppet being controlled by your dominating spouse. Good going @eponymoushipster keep it up now.

Doing something another doesn’t like can be negative to a relationship, not doing the same things is the best thing.

So far in our 24 years together my partner and I have not had to make any such rules. I can’t think of anything either of us has refused to allow the other from doing. Oh, except no kissing after I’ve eaten marmite. :-D

In seriousness, it always makes me worry a little bit about control issues. Unless the truth of the matter is that saying “I’m not allowed to” is an exaggeration, and the truth is “I choose not to because my partner doesn’t want me to”

It means that if we do this particular thing, it will piss off our spouse. You say it this way because it takes the responsibility off you, as if you didn’t have a choice. It’s a form of passive-aggression where people do not own their choices, or want some kind of sympathy for the unreasonableness of their spouse.

[Mod Says:] Please stick to the topic which is “What do adults mean when they say they are not allowed to do something?” All off- topic or personal remarks will be removed.

As @eponymoushipster said “It means observing the requests of someone else both to be polite and to show them a measure of respect, because you love and respect them.”

what am I not allowed to do? ski. ‘your’e too old you’ll get hurt’ oh what rot. I’ve been atheletic my whole life. there’s such a thing as bunny slopes. fly an airplane. I’m a trained pilot. “your’e too old something will happen’ drink- I don’t really care about that one. whatever. I’m not going to get into a screaming argument about any of it. but deep in my secret heart, I seethe.