Would you consider this abusive?

The relationship sounds about as unhealthy as one could get. Why are you two together? Why do you respond with physical violence?

Why are you still pondering this question rather looking for answers, like an adult?

If you are very serious about this relationship, and you are becoming distressed by your behavior then I suggest now is the time to seek some good counseling.

You definitely have anger issues as well as problems controlling your impulses. Yes, it’s abusive and he is abusive to you, as well. End this relationship and get some counseling or you will probably end up repeating the same patters over and over and over…

@gailcalled people don’t choose their feelings, they just have them.

If you’re just going to hit him and push him away when you two are together, why bother being together in the first place?

Edit: Yeah, I’d consider that abuse on your part.

Yes. And I think you know it is, too.

Relationship ended a few months ago…. I’m just asking for personal reasons…. just getting perspective

Dear girl you ARE being abusive. There is no need to every ever slap anyone. It is a violation and you are fortunate he has not pressed charges on you.

When people stay in an abusive relationship is usually because neither of them think they deserve any better. IF he is ignoring you, it might be for a reason.

GET SOME HELP. STOP BLAMING HIM AND USING HIM AS AN EXCUSE FOR YOUR ANGER.

@pdworkin: I do know that one cannot control one’s feelings, but one can control the response. Hitting, slapping, kicking, and the like are unacceptable behaviors even for toddlers, never mind a 19-year-old at uni.

She makes this relationship (or ex-relationship) if you will, sound like the World of Wrestling.

If he set off feelings in you like that then you should stay away from him until you figure out where the feelings come from in the first place, for both your sakes. It’s abusive.

Did you even have to ask?

@gailcalled I can’t possibly disagree with that. But I am glad she is examining the issue, and I believe that deserves encouragement.

@avvooooooo yeah, I did – it’s important to me… as I said I don’t want to be like that again… are you listening or just judging…

You hit, kicked, pushed and threw bleach at him.
That’s abusive.

Yes, I think anytime you touch your SO in a way meant to harm, that it’s abusive.

However, while I don’t think that physical abuse is ever an answer, it does sound like he’s not helping out in the relationship very much. I think you should probably try to examine the relationship as a whole and whether or not it’s really healthy for either of you to be a part of. A good counselor can help you with this, as well as your anger issues.

Yes, that is abuse. It wasn’t just a one-time loss of temper and control. You’ve done it repeatedly. From the description you’re giving, you have a lot of issues that you should see a counselor about before you cause serious harm to someone else or yourself.

reason for arguing was he lied to me all the time… while still asking for money… while still talking behind my back and when I asked him to just come because I want to just hug him because i wanted things ok between us.. he said ‘no… my friends are more important at the moment… give me space..” and turned off his phone… every time… so I got upset…, and worse

the pushing away doesn’t come until after I buy things and he suddenly tells me “oh by the way… I’m going to see a friend now”

That’s like saying “I only smack her when she mouths off to me,” though.

Yes, the actions you described are very abusive. If he wanted he could press criminal charges against you, and guess what, they would stick. Do you realize you could have really harmed him, by throwing the bleach at him, even if just a small % of the bleach got in his eyes. Your apologies mean nothing, because you continue with your abusive behavior.

Slapping, kicking, throwing objects, this is not a good thing at all, and ask yourself, “how would you feel if he had done these things to you.” Your actions are in no way justifiable at all, there is no excuse whatsoever, for abusing him in this manner.

Just a suggestion, see if you can find a qualified therapist who will help you with your behavioral problems, because if you don’t, you are going to end up very lonely, or even in prison. If you don’t seek help, it most likely will happen again, in your next relationship(s).

I commend your ex for not striking back, and not bringing criminal charges against you.

Yes, of course this is abusive. If you don’t want to ruin another relationship, you should get counseling on impulse control.

@laureth I was putting out there what happened into the thread… I wasn’t saying this is what happened, this is what I think…. that’s judging… I didn’t say what I did was ok… and I wasn’t justifying it… at least give me advice I can use… I’m trying to gather perspective to understand what we both did wrong… and what I can do or say if me and my ex speak again… OR just understand what I did wrong…

Yes,it is.

Yes, this was abusive behavior on your part, but I think you know that already. I know that you were also angry and felt used…since he was always asking you for money. Whatever you were doing, was out of sheer pain…but you need to find out where your pain originates from….and it is not all from your ex.

The question is….why did you keep a guy that mooched off you around? I think there is a key if you can answer that question.

What are you going to do now? Honestly, I think you should get some professional help. Figure out why you are so angry….because the chances are that even though your ex was the target…you’ve been angry for a long time at someone…probably from childhood. Why did you allow yourself to be used? These are deep issues that need some exploration with someone who can really help you.

If you can get some counseling (Catholic Charities has free counselling even if you aren’t Catholic——and you don’t have to pay and they won’t try to convert you either) and also there are a lot of other agencies that will help you to understand the roots of your anger and transform it. There is help…just do some investigation.

You really need to come to terms with this now…so you can be set free. And whatever you do, don’t get involved with anyone else until you clear this out of your life.

I really applaud you for being so honest with yourself and to reach out for help…please get some professional counselling…you will feel so much better about yourself and life in general.

Best of luck.

There is no question it is abusive behaviour. I think there would be less uncertainty if the same behaviour was being exhibited by your boyfriend toward you. Abuse is not determined by who it is coming from, but rather from the actions and behaviours displayed. Regardless of one`s gender, any type of physical aggression or threat of physical aggression is physical abuse. Women are entirely capable of physical, emotional, verbal, financial, and sexual abuse. It often is ignored, hidden, or viewed as humorous due to gender stereotypes and expectations, but this does not diminish the damage that can be done to everyone invovled. Good for you for taking an honest look at your behaviour and taking steps toward change. This type of behaviour does not only effect the person it is directed toward. It is undoubtedly reflective of problems you are dealing with and will only add to the weight of any negative aspects of your own life. As already mentioned, you may want to seek counselling for support and guidance. Good luck!

@DarlingRhadamanthus THANK YOU for giving me advice I CAN use….

I know what I did wrong… call it what you will, it was wrong… but I wanted to ask what was the best way to approach this situation… what was the best way way to view the situation to understand both accounts… but despite the fact there are wrong doings on both sides… I’m quite irritated about the first thing people go for is the judging… only a few have given me decent advice that I can use… I think what I was trying to get at, is trying to understand the situation better… but all you people seem to do is tell me the obvious… that it’s bad… obviously… I don’t care if you tell me yes, it’s abusive… I’m trying to ask what is the best action or thoughts on the subject but at the same time… are you really telling me I was all completely utterly wrong? because that’s all I’m understand at this moment… so it’s ok for a guy to ask for money from his girlfriend constantly… lie to her at the same time while back stabbing her… I’m hurt at the moment… but besides that… he’s totally right? well you know… maybe I made that so when I even pushed him at least… but where is the advice I can use? instead of naming me the obvious on my behalf – wrong…

If he mistreats you so much, then leave him instead of doing something harmful and illegal.

Edit- my apologies, I missed the last line and assumed you had broken up then gotten back together.

@ubersiren please read the above, I already said we had broken up for a few months… I’m just trying to understand something the best I can… for my own purpose of improving my self

haha its ok, no worries, thanks for your advice :)

When you ask, “Would you consider this abusive?” and people answer “Yes,” they’re answering your question, which is (by nature) asking for a judgment. If what you want is helpful advice, it may make a difference in the responses you get if you were to ask the question differently, such as, “How can I learn how to be less abusive in situations like these?” or “How can I avoid mutually abusive situations like this in the future?” or “Where can I find help in learning to deal with my anger issues?”.

@bean…the beginning of your question did ask…is this abuse? Then at the very end of your question, you asked again…Is this considered abuse on my behalf?

The best way to view/deal with the situation, is to start controlling your abusive behavior. Give yourself a few minutes to calm down, before you react. Also, look for a qualified therapist to help you deal with your issues. Also, don’t be paying for things, if you are hostile about it, just start saying NO, if it bothers you, and you rather not do it.

HOLY SHIT @bean haha poor guy. in my opinion this is abusive but he does seem like a looser if u keep payin for things, but he doesnt deserve the kicking..maybe the slap yea..what a jerk.

im not attackin or anything..i think it is abusive..but the dude had it coming..asking for money when your crying..jeez a guy shouldnt be askin a girl for money EVER unless he is really in trouble and needs to borrow some and pay her back….but to do it while your crying? he needed to pick the right time, he had the slap coming hehe..

.@bean you evil , me like

@laureth yea true, I could of worded my question better, but I’m not being hostile about it, I’m just asking so I can understand, what every ones saying a bit better… I’d like to learn… not get judged

@bigboss thanks for your advice but it’s also true I didn’t go around it the right way…

@bean…..You are welcome.

You are at a huge crossroads in your life…and you can make powerful choices for your life…a new life where you can let go of the pain and choose to be with only people who support you, love you and nurture you…but first of all, you need to clear away all the old stuff and make room for the new….especially to learn to love yourself to know that you deserve so much better. And to forgive yourself for whatever happened. You know what happened and only you know…and only you can set things right.

Clear out all the old….clear out the clutter in your life…old clothes, old shoes, old letters from him….whatever was left in your house…apartment….clean…literally…the floors, the cabinets, the garden, your closets…throw it away, give it away….whatever you don’t like and doesn’t make you happy. Clear it all out, ....and make way for your new life in this new year. Find a good counselor, go back to church (or temple, or synagogue or Buddhist meeting, or just pray on your own) and put the right things first. This is also the year when you can learn to say, “No,” And feel okay about it.

Forgive yourself…and move on…..make this the best year in your life!

@DarlingRhadamanthus thanks, it’s been a few months now… I’m exactly who I am now, and I’m ok… but I was just wanting to find deeper meaning and solution to what had happened…. just to understand the past a bit better, but your advice helped quite a bit, it was nice to understand what is wrong and how or why it was wrong and where should i go from a different perspective. I know what he did wrong and I know what I did wrong… but you’ve explained what I should be doing… not what the hell were you thinking… so i appreciate this a lot.

Hitting, slapping, kicking and throwing objects at someone (when it’s not done purely in self-defense because the other party started or threatened violence of their own) is prima facie abuse. Yes, you are the abuser in this case. “Pushing” may or may not be abusive; that depends a lot more on how, when and where. If you push someone on a stairway, then it’s clearly abuse. If you playfully push someone away, then that’s clearly not. There’s a lot of gray area in between.

That’s not to say that he’s not triggering your behavior with his own passive-aggressive behavior. But you asked, so there’s your answer.

@bean, hey, don’t the rest of us get a thank you too? I see many gave you some really good comments and advise, including myself.

It sound like he was being insesntive to you, but you should have severed the relationship rather than getting violent with him. It sounds like you need to find more constructive ways to deal with your anger. Violence is for self-defense only. You are lucky that he did not return your violence.

Yes, most of that is mildly abusive, but throwing the bleach bottle is downright dangerous! If that had opened, and splashed into his eyes you could have blinded him.
You need to talk to someone about getting and maintaining a grip on yourself.

First of all, why were you together if he takes advantage of you, and you respond by physically doing something? I think it’s a abusive, but I don’t think it’s dangerously abusive ..yet.. You both are wrong on both sides. He shouldn’t be treating you like crap, and you shouldn’t be beating the hell out of him. Why did you two get together in the first place? I agree especially with @stranger_in_a_strange_land , violence is to protect yourself physically. You weren’t physically hurt, and also, you are down right lucky to not be given the violence back. That would be a disaster.

Somehow along the way, you’ve picked up the idea that slapping people and throwing things is acceptable behavior. You have to break this pattern. Emotionally healthy people don’t act this way.

wow how did you escape a domestic violence charge this long

I would suggest you read your question and answer it for yourself. From my POV, you seem like you are very angry at something whether it’s him or a combination of things. At least your are letting the anger out…not healthy to keep that strong of angry emotions bottled up!

Violence, unless in self defense, is always abuse in my book.

If you have to ask that there is something seriously broken in your machinery. Get some help.

No one has a right to put their hands on another person and cause pain. Any judge isn’t going to care that he did something to hurt your feelings first. I thought we discussed this in another thread, and I gave you some extremely thoughtful advice. My loser ex wanted me to get up out of a sick bed and take him to get drugs, even though he knew I was sick, had worked that day and had to sleep for a bit before going into my night time job. I knew how insensitive it was of him. I didn’t hit him though, I just laid my plans and then left him. If I had hit him every time he did or said something insensitive, I’d have been steady pounding on him.
It’s been since August, and my life is SO much better. And I have the occasional perk, like last night when he called and wanted to stay at my house. As if.
Good luck ;-)

I’m sorry to say, but yes, you are physically abusing him

Hitting is never cool.

thats abuse. relationships can really suck, but you just gotta always try to do the right thing, even if it means letting the other person have the upper hand for awhile.

Abusive and unhealthy on all sorts of levels. He is wrong for discounting your feelings and your wrong for thinking that slapping, kicking and the like are OK responses to anything he did.

Wrong across the board.

You were being neglected and taken for granted in the relationship. You eventually got angry at him and probably more so at yourself for allowing him to use you and mistreat you. Your rage was justified but your physical striking out was way out of the range of what is acceptable behavior and was clearly abusive.

Don’t ever let a man treat you like you don’t matter. That is allowing they to emotionally abuse you. Stand up for yourself and protect your dignity and you will never have to be so angry that you will feel that physical abuse is appropriate again. If you do ever act that way again, get some help before you harm someone or get arrested!

@bean I think you need some counseling and some help with your self esteem. I think you may have some anger inside of you from something and have taken it out on him because you have never been taught how to deal with conflicts, especially in a relationship like that. I think you should get some counseling and help dealing with things. Best of luck to you

it is abuse but I don’t think you mean to be abusive to him, you just don’t know exactly other ways to deal with your feelings

Yes. It’s abuse. If a man were doing these things to a woman it’d be completely unacceptable and 100% labeled as abusive. It bothers me that some woman think they can get away with it because of their gender. If what he did bothered you to the point of feeling like physically pushing him or hurting him, you should’ve left the relationship. There’s no excuse for putting your hands on someone.

@smashbox lol, sorry your right

I appreciate every ones advice, thanks for leaving a comment :)