How do you deal with someone who is angry and refuses to calm down?

I have to deal with each angry/wont calm down person differently. The woman you described could have been my mom (although she usually wouldn’t knock something off the counter on purpose). With someone like her, I don’t try to get a word in edgewise, I just zone out while she rants (it’s best over the phone, then I can play spider solitaire), wait till she’s done, and make an empty promise to try to fix whatever she’s pissed about, or if it’s not my fault (hallelujah) then I say something about being sorry she’s having to go through that. Besides zoning out (The trick is to not show it, but it really helps you keep your patience and not flip out at them back), the other thing I do is try to end the encounter as soon as possible, ie. get her the thing, repeat that you’re sorry she had to deal with that, and excuse yourself.

I stand still and pay attention even if I don’t like what I’m hearing. I make sure I look attentive and not annoyed or smug. All through whatever rant I think of who to ask for assistance, some resolution (if any) and some deflection if they decide to focus on me instead of the issue. It’s my job whether the customer is right or wrong to listen as long as they want to rave until backup comes unless it’s an issue I can correct immediately myself. I bite my tongue and kill them with my mind instead once they leave.

I don’t think it’s about getting to a place of vindication—rather, it’s getting to a place of calmness and reason. Nobody wins when everybody is angry. Disengaging from an angry conversation, if possible, is the best thing to do. Give you and the other person a chance to calm down and get back to a more rational place.

That very angry person is probably in a lot of emotional pain. For some reason what has happened in that moment has triggered the hurt feelings and the way the person displays their sadness or feelings of being treated unjustly is by being very angry. It might be very difficult to calm them down. The best you can do, I think, is thank them for their complaint/feedback, and reinforce that you want to correct the situation. My view is these people want to be heard, heard in many aspects of their life, and you are catching the brunt of it at that moment.

If they are actually rising to the level of being abusive that is unnacceptable.

I listen to everything the other person has to say. and continually remind them that I would understand them better if they toned down a little bit. I also offer a drink or a seat, if available, to make them feel comfortable and important.

I always try to speak in a tone that is lower than their tone….in a very respectful manner.

If needed, I will apologize that the situation has caused them inconvenience or trouble. If I have the authority, I will offer to rectify things. If I don’t have aithority, I will respectfully inform the person that their issue will be expeditiously forwarded to the manager concerned.

Wait till they calm down.

@dannyc What does wait mean? Are you silent during this waiting period? That would just piss me off more. Does that work for you?

I agree with everything the crazy person says. It’s all about parrotting whatever she (usually “she”) says, and occasionally throwing in an: “Oh, I can’t believe that happened to you! You’re absolutely right; I’d be fed up too!” ...and so forth.

After all, it’s not my responsibility to help these people with their insanity, just to keep their business.

Yes, I prefer a logical approach. Anger is a manifestation of primal instincts overcoming logic. Thus, logically a thinking person waits till that subsides. Otherwise non-helpful confrontation at a primitive level will result in the opposite effect of what one would want to optimally achieve, the secession of the negative behavioural pattern resulting from anger. Waiting makes sense, being pissed off is illogical in that case. Hence silence is golden. I used the same approach, I must say very successfully, in my parenting of my young children, for example to their temper tantrums. It worked amazingly.

I work as a supervisor at a retail store. I do a lot of customer service. Generally mad people will calm down when they realize you are trying to help them. When they refuse to calm down and continue to yell and act like an idiot, I just tell them, Lookit, I’m trying to help you but if you want to continue acting like this, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. This works a lot of the time-they realize you are done taking their shit. The best thing to do is just try to stay calm. If you get mad too, the situation only gets worse. I just tell my cashiers that someone already ruined that assholes day and don’t let them ruin yours.

In my personal life, I will just walk away. I don’t have the time, patience, or energy to deal with people throwing temper tantrums. I’ll come back to discuss things when they’ve calmed down enough to be reasonable.

At work, ugh.. I hate that I have to suck it up and basically reward someone’s bad behavior. What I’d really like to do is give them a piece of my mind and I probably would if it wasn’t work. Instead, I just shut myself off and turn cold as ice. Not rude or anything, but whatever it is I do when I get to that space seems to be very effective at getting my disdain across. Interestingly, no one has ever complained, so I don’t think I’m coming across as rude or anything.

The way that i would deal with an angry person would most definitely not be appropriate for the manager of a workplace =/.

In medical school, we learned the NURSE acronym for dealing with angry people:
Name “I can see that you are angry (frustrated, embarrassed, sad, etc.)
Understand “I understand that why you are mad. I would be mad too if…”
Respect “I respect you for sharing your concerns…”
Support “I will do whatever I can to support you, including…”
Empathy Say everything and try to be empathic.

I’ve found that this technique works 90% of the time. The other 10%, well, that’s what Haldol is for. ;-)

My example may have skewed the answers toward work-related situations, although they are very helpful answers. What about when you’re off work and you’re just two people having an argument?

My answer would basically be the same. The only difference might be that I would not use the phrase “correct the situation” towards the end, but rather figure out a way to keep the situation from happening again by trying to understand the underlying emotions that are causing so much anger.

Since work issues have been thoroughly discussed, I’ll talk about a personal situation (even with a co-worker). In a face-to-face or phone confrontation like that, if the other person doesn’t calm down, in a calm voice say “I can’t continue this conversation until you are calmer.” Then, walk away.

Also, when it is not at work you are more likely to become defensive, try not to do that, it escalates things. People who are very verbal when they are angry tend to become more desperate if you shut down or give a silent treament. I disagree with @augustlan (rare) slightly. I would say, “I want to discuss this with you if you can calm down.” Slightly different, but less of a power struggle in my mind. People from cultures that tend to argue a lot perceive a shutdown of conversation, even if it is a yelling, as a witholding of love, the calm person appears apathetic to the hyped up person.

@JLeslie Good point. :)

Don’t get involved. Just nod and say uh huh every once in awhile.

I haven’t read all the answers yet, so pardon me if I repeat.
I used to work in a psychiatric hospital ad they taught us a technique for diffusing volatile situations. It has helped me out through several careers in the last 30 years, especially my stretch in retail.
They said to use empathic listening. If you acknowledge the persons feelings and agree with them, it takes all the air out of their sails.
Her: “You guys screwed me out of my damn product!!””
You: “You’re really angry aren’t you?”
Her: “You’re Damn right I’m angry!”
You: “I would be so frustrated If I got all the way home and realized my product was incomplete.”
Her: “I had to drive all the way across town with 3 little kids!”
You: “Oh man, What a hastle. What can I do to make this right?”
Her: “I just want my product.”
You: “Here, let me get it for you.”

Be ever patient. It annoys people to no ends.

If it’s my toddler, I take him to the bathroom, wash his face with cold water and give him some water to drink.