Can you control yourself?

It’s time for professional help. Please, please get some.

The best thing to do is to get help. A good psychiatrist can help with meds and counseling.

Cutiing releases endorphins that can numb the emotions. It’s part of our primal fight/flight survival thing. But seriously, it doesn’t do any good in the long run. You’ll just end up having to deal with the feelings anyway and also some embarassing scars. I made myself a promise years ago to stop doing it and just sit through the feelings. It’s hard sometimes but trust me, the only way through the feelings us through the feelings. Hang in there.

Instead of trying to find out the most efficient method for harming yourself, why not consider seeing a therapist to eliminate it.

I’m sure you realize that the relief you feel is very temporary. Why not work on healthier ways of truly being able to control your life?

@Zen_Again @Judi I already am.

@loser Been doing it years, the longer I try to leave it, the more I need to I’ve had enough of feeling like this

@Buttonstc I don’t know any other way.

Do you have any other things you like to do any kind of releases besides cutting , some kind of hobby,work-out,friends/family etc…?

Like when you go to cut maybe you can lean on something else , something positive you can do to relieve yourself?

If you don’t know any other way, that’s why the consensus seems to be to find help. That’s what a therapist does.

You learn about yourself and healthier ways to deal with the challenges in your life.

What you are basically doing is using this as an escape. You can’t keep escaping forever cuz it does nothing to solve the underlying issues. A vicious cycle.

@Steve_A If I’m not feeling too anxious and feelings are just mild, then just being on this site can take my mind of it, but when feelings are really f*cking with my head, then no, there is nothing else.

@Dibley What “feeling” triggers you to cut, maybe you need to understand your feelings better and how to deal with them and as to know when to expect them and divert it.

When I used to do physical self-harm I would do one big explosion of damage. There was no control at all & the level of damage was entirely down to chance. Now I just do things that will be detrimental to my life in general.

@Steve_A When I get anxious, paranoid, when I don’t know know what is happening in my life. Mainly, paranoia.

@TheJoker You would be last person I would of thought to do that. Sorry. How did you stop? What do you do now?

Dibley, is there not some kind of medication you can take when you get these feelings?

@Dibley You said you already are getting help via therapist or the like correct? I personally do not like for doctors to throw medication into the mix so quickly without or possible alternatives.

But maybe this could get out of hand, do you feel you might need to?

What tends to make you anxious or paranoid can anything set you off to feel or is it very specific that way?

If your therapist cannot find an answer, would change therapist!

@BoBo1946 I take anti depressants anyway.

@Steve_A Yes you are correct, I do take meds also. I don’t know what sets it off, it’s just me, the way I was made, I guess.

@Dibley ; You need to let your doctor know that the meds aren’t working. Sometimes these things need to be adjusted to find one that works for you.

@Dibley, understand that, know lots of people that have panic attacks and they can “pop a pill” to fight off these attacks..surely there is something they can you give you when you get these feelings.

What does your therapist say you should do when you get these feelings?

@Dibley…. Heh, I guess I wear my public face fairly well then :) To be honest, all I’ve really managed to do is substitute the physical harm for other damaging activities. Drugs kept me numb for a few years, & self sabotage in both my work & private life. Now I just feel numb, alot. Wish I could offer something more constructive. I know the psychological thing is to learn new ways of dealing with these emotions, basically substitute the damaging actions for more, regular reactions.

What makes you feel that you don’t have control over your life?

@lilikoi I just don’t. I can’t describe it. My head is wired up wrong, I can feel it.

@Dibley Maybe that is something you could explore with your doctor/therapist,you are right everyone is different and there is nothing wrong with that.

I would ask whomever is helping you to talk about your paranoia and anxiety and explore it a bit see if you can help find answers for yourself.

@Steve_A I don’t have a very high opinion of myself, and I don’t feel my boyfriend does either. I have a few issues with my parents, or more my dad, and I am not very good at dealing with things. I try to be everything I can for everyone, but I can’t tear myself in two.

Well, bottomline, if you are paying a therapist and you still have the problem, change therapist. About all i can say Dibley!

@BoBo1946 I think the problem is that they can’t seem to get in my head, it is pretty messed up in there.

@Dibley Oh well thats a problem I think you simply can’t cater to everyone Dibley first off you don’t have to nor should you really feel you have to be something for everyone else.

You need to satisfy and make Dibley happy before you can expect to help everyone else.

Do you feel you might possibly need closure or a good talk with family?

@Steve_A I don’t know how to make me happy, or put me first. I need closure with my dad, but it is just not happening.

@Dibley What attempts have you made with your dad? Or is your dad not giving you a chance?

@Steve_A He is giving me the chance but doesn’t see a problem. I love him, but he doesn’t realise that he has really upset me.

@Dibley Does he know the full extent of your problem? Do you feel he is not giving you attention enough?

I think possibly you might feel you need other peoples “approval” for some kind of recognition or happiness because you said earlier that you feel you can’t tear yourself into two.

You are right you can’t and I would say you need to stop trying to satisfy other family,friends,etc…

what goals and things do YOU, Dibley want out of life?

@Steve_A I think I have probably made this into like my problem is with my dad, sorry. The problem I have with him, started just before Christmas. My problems have been since I was 17. I would like some closure with what my dad did, it was totally wrong.

@Dibley Ah ok, thats fine though if you have a problem with your dad you should most certainly feel entitled to go and work-out it nothing wrong with that.

But you say since you were 17 , you began having paranoia and anxiety?

Dibley, that is what you are PAYING a therapist to do…to clear up your head and if it is not happening, change therapist!

@BoBo1946 I agree, you may need a new therapist

@Dibley Has he/she been touching up on all these subjects?

@Steve_A No, I’ve not told her, not told her much, find it difficult to talk to strangers, I’m no good with people, I would rather write to them!

@Dibley Anyways I don’t think I can help much, I did not mean to ask any questions that may have gotten you upset or anything if so please do tell me. I apologize.

But if anything you certainly need self-happiness. Least begin with that :)

@Steve_A You can ask whatever you like, this site is my therapy.

well, my friend, you ask for advise…and you are not listening! This site can be therapy, but you are paying for something (a therapist) with no return. There are answers to this problem and apparently your therapist is not doing the job. Seems like we are going around and around here!

@Dibley Well as a side thought I had, maybe if you like to write, you could keep a journal/log or something the like about things that you had bother you,anixety/paranoia “attacks” etc….

So not only can you go back and help yourself understand possibly but to read to your this to your therapist, as so if you can’t get your words out about how you have felt, it’s already written down.

Like its just an idea don’t know if it will help you.

But you will also need to speak and tell your therapist exactly how you feel is very important its there job and you are paying for it.

Also just to add your therapist , I believe should be trying much harder!

@Steve_A I do write things down, I even email suicide support groups.

@Dibley Thats good you find that helpful then?

@Steve_A No, they are not allowed to give advice, just to try and talk, I think they got fed up with me, they hinted for me to go away.

@Dibley…. well, that hardly seems in the spirit of things!

@Dibley Hm wow and they are considered suicide support groups.. :|

But I think what I would recommend to you Dibley whenever you see your therapist, take all the things we touched up on and talk to them with your therapist and see what he/she says.

If you feel that your not getting much help from them, then you may want to consider a new therapist.

@TheJoker It’s the Samaritans I’m talking about.

Everything I’ve read makes conventional sense. @Dibley my motivation was suppression of aggression your’s sounds different. This is a maladjusted coping mechanism, OK maybe obvious. I’ll give you a short narrative. I first did it once just to offset drama and bad social skills. Next I resumed out of feelings of isolation and the mentioned displacement of aggression. The doctors had me on some heavy medication, it kept me out of trouble but also out of life. I would be having delusions, hallucinations and admitted as much,but after months of answering the same questions I just gave up and said my symptoms were not there. Big time denial. Both to psychiatrist and psychologist and myself. You need more than just talk, you need to be ready to work on this. I basically had one boring conversation with therapist for years. Now I have a great counselor and we are close, and guess what? no judgment! If you cannot open up, try in a letter, change if you need to, if just to get a fresh start. And soon and work and open honestly. You need to know the doctors are trained but you do your part to. You need a personalized plan of wellness, not cookie cutter pop psychology. So don’t let your doctor get lazy nor yourself. Journaling is good but also you may try to write just stuff. Self-monitoring is the way to go but give yourself a break, even a few squiggles or a random list can reinforce a “normal” disposition. I hope I have not been too vain by writing about my experiences. My greatest concern is your well being

@Dibley… I’ve heard they can get abit like that.

I am really shocked at that, it completely takes the point/purpose of what they are doing.

I mean I guess its free so in such they are not obligated in any way, but I feel if you are going to make such claims as “suicide support group” you certainly don’t try and give a “hint” and turn somebody away.

I can’t help but think what if you turned some one away or gave a “hint” to stop getting help and only later to find they did something.

That’s really disappointing to me….

@Steve_A
Nurses cannot give so much as a Tylenol if not in doctors orders. The only way anyone can intervene is if the person is a threat to themselves or others and the procedure for that is a 72 hour hold in mental wing of the hospital

@Dibley It sounds to me that you have a lot bottled up inside and you really need to open up to someone…change therapists. My son has emotional issues and we changed therapists 3 times before we found one he would talk to, and she was smart enough to suggest a group therapy session and that is where he has made the most progress. At first he wanted no part of it and would just sit and listen to the other boys and a couple sessions in he started to communicate what was going on inside and what he was feeling. Have tried or thought of group therapy?

Also, when I went through a rough spell, I found writing a letter, sort of a good bye to the pain letter, I was able to at least communicate that pain to that person who caused the pain…even though I couldn’t send it I was able to put that pain somewhere else than inside me. You say you can write what is in your head easier than talking. Write your dad a letter…give or send it to him so he can see exactly what you are dealing with. Also I can’t recommend this enough…take a meditation classI Meditating will help you learn to breathe, relax and establish calm in your head if even for just those 15–30 minutes it is so worth it. Good luck I wish you calmer days.

@12_func_multi_tool I did not say anything about medicine, but yes you are right.

I had meant the fact that it seems they try to turn people away or “hint” it is a bit sad, because all they are doing is just talking and your going to turn them away for that?

I am so sorry. I hope you find a way through this.

@Steve_A
hold on, give me 15 minutes, but for now, wait never mind. Look meds are default procedure. The similarity between drugs and turning someone away is very close. Someone says the wrong thing and they get their license taken away. I do not want to scare this girl, I’m sifting words. Disappointing? You’ve been to the ER.
Treatments are often times meant to be trying, ‘cause the hospital or organization does not want anyone to become dependent on them. That is where the responsibility ends.
Compassion waxes and wanes. If these types of things took the care wanted by the patient, they would be in conflict of existence and become a non-profit organization. They are only designed to give a little structure, a little time lag between fits of illness.
About turning people away, It’s just the way it is.
I’m sorry, is that better.

@12_func_multi_tool I see what your saying good point. Though maybe they could at least direct the person to a more suited place for the person?

@Dibley @Steve_A
I think you Dibley need to check into the hospital. pack warm clothes and warm socks, some allow smoking others don’t

@12_func_multi_tool Agreed!, but why does @Steve_A need to do that?

Dibley, your original question was ‘Can you control yourself?’. Yes, you can. I have found it possible to lessen, and even eliminate anxiety and regret associated with memories and fears using pranayama yoga. Emotions are physical bodily reactions to thoughts and memories. They are patterns of physical tension. That is what we feel, the tension; the contracting of muscle tissue. Pranayama yoga is a set of breathing exercises that trains you to consciously relax. Once you have learned to relax, then you can think about the things that you normally find painful or frightening without feeling any emotion. And you can use it the other way around. When you start feeling the difficult emotions, you can use the exercises to relax, and deal with the problems without the anxiety and pain. I have been doing it for years, and certain thing still get to me. But the little things don’t get to me anymore, and the big things are much less painful. And I have found that joy, love, and other emotions that we think of as positive are actually the relaxation of tension that we carry with us in everyday life. So these exercises make these emotions easier to achieve.

The most basic exercise goes like this;
Sit in a comfortable, relaxed position in a dark, quiet room. I do this right before going to bed every night.
Take several deep, slow breaths, expanding the abdomin first and lifting the ribcage slightly at the end of the inhalation. No need to lift the shoulders. Then let the breath flow out.
While doing this whole exercise, imagine white light flowing in with each inhalation, and black tension flowing out with each exhalation.
After several deep breaths start counting to four with each inhalation, then hold the breath in for a four count, exhale for four, and hold breath out for four. This is more difficult than is sounds and will take practice. Try do it without any trembling. After some practice, you will be able to achieve an unusually deep state of relaxation.
This is just one of many, many exercises that may help.

@Dibley
because he was concerned about what a program should refer a person to. I’m very sorry, I meant no offense. We are all concerned.

@12_func_multi_tool I didn’t take offence, (not that you did), but no one on here can hurt me more than I do myself, and I never self harmed today, I was so close but I didn’t, I was obviously not feeling as bad as I thought.

@stump Thanks, I’ll give it a go.

No. I can’t control myself, either. Only the way I try to get endorphins is probably a bit more fun than yours. I find someone to fall in love with. Of course, that’s equally destructive to my life, if not more destructive.

Makes me wonder what self control is and how you can know when you are out of control and when you are making a choice.

i bet you don’t ever need to self harm.
i bet you’re entirely wrong about your “need” to do that.

@ninjacolin You obviously have no idea.

Technically, i suppose you “needed” to up to this point.. otherwise you wouldn’t have done it. But from this point on. (like this one here.. and on..) I bet you could potentially go the rest of your life without ever doing that and you’d be fine.

on the concept of “needing” to do that to cope, i’ve got a tough question for you: what do you feel is the difference between your actions and the actions of an alcoholic who claims to “need” a few swigs of JD when he’s feeling rough?

As you can probably tell, I’m worried that you have an addiction to this action. An addiction that can, with effort, be broken and once broken, you’d be fine with a less self-abusive coping mechanism.

@ninjacolin I needed to last night, and I did. There was no way I couldn’t not do it. Maybe I am addicted, it’s a good feeling.

I’m glad it felt good. :) I don’t know if it’s actually harmful or not. I mean, we weren’t meant to cut ourselves.. anyway, there’s also the social stigma of it all. It’s important to consider what a stigma the knowledge of a social stigma puts on your conscience…

Anyway, dibley, if you would prefer a new method of coping, you should look for one. Ask for one. You won’t find it without looking.

Anyway, to answer your question..

@Dibley said: “If I bleed a lot, then I feel great satisfaction and that for those few moments, it was ME that had control over my life.”

I can sympathize with the feeling of having control. but i’ve learned that this is only a delusion. We don’t have control. Everything we do is caused by something else. The feeling of having control is caused by the cutting. The cutting is caused by your memory of how you deal with anxiety. Your memory of how to deal with anxiety is caused by the presence of your anxiety. Your anxiety is caused by.. ignorance, in the true sense of the word, not the slang/insult.

Be rid of your ignorance and you’ll be rid of your anxiety.

@ninjacolin You may have a point there, but I have too much going around in my head to even know how to stop. But thanks.

@Dibley… the fundamental problem I think you have is that you don’t have any alternative methods of dealing with your pain. This leads to feeling of a loss of control as your emotions become overwhelming, feelings of anxiousness, depression, etc & so cutting gives you the sensation of regaining control. You control the blade, you can decide how long to cut, how deep, how many time, & you match it to the level of pain you’re feeling inside. I think…. & I’m making some fairly giant sized assumptions here, that you need to focus on gaining control in all aspects of your life, where-ever you feel it’s needed, & to speak to your therapist about alternate ways to self-sooth. If you’re able to do these two things you might be able to stop.

@ninjacolin It’s an emotional disorder and thought disorder. You really must ignore this if you do not believe in any conventional mental illness theories. It’s more than just coping. Some people jog, that is an acceptable way of coping. It’s not even comparable to her situation until her head is right, then and only then can she add this wonderful, acceptable coping technique. One emotion morph to another, you may can delusion and emotion has a strong effect on behavior. In her thought disorder this is what her brain is saying as right, it’s right to cut. She can write using proper intellect and “know” its wrong, but in her core the primal brain cutting is the reflex reaction. Also all the community can say cutting is wrong so how can she refute that as an integral part of the community. Take a hot stove, if someone accidentally touches a hot stove their reflexes don’t even take time to go to the brain a short loop causes their hand to with drawl. Her mind and reflexes are tendencies to cutting

There’s an important difference. Cutting is a complex and learned behavior: A habit. While withdrawing your hand from a fire is a reflex. You don’t have to practice withdrawing your hands from fires, you just do it. You would, however, have to practice to keep your hand in a fire, in order to train your reflexes to stop. Cutting is a complex behavior that you have to train yourself to do. Once learned, it becomes a habit and an addiction.

With the same kind of practice and persistence, you can unlearn the habit. But you have to find out how.

@Dibley I have a friend who used to cut herself and I e-mailed her and asked her if she had any advice. This is what she wrote;

hmm… well first you have to relize it has become a problem, more of an additction really. Then condition yourself to replace with more healthy activities that will still release the endorphenes (i dont think its spelled like that). maybe come sort of physical activity, writing or dancing has always helped me out. Just be very careful not to replace it with some sort of substance, they can release the same chemicals in the brain, but they also lead to much worse places. hope this helps! all i can think of at the moment, if i think of anything else i’ll let you know

@stump Thanks for that. I do know it is an addiction, sometimes I can stop it, it is just when I am hurting too much that I can’t.

@Dibley said: “Thanks for that. I do know it is an addiction, sometimes I can stop it, it is just when I am hurting too much that I can’t.”

this isn’t an accurate statement, Dibley. :)
the truth is only this: “when you are hurting a lot, you haven’t been able to stop yourself in the past.”

but we can’t say for certain that you “can’t” or “won’t” stop yourself in the future.

to say that you can’t is to mentally “curse” yourself to that fate. it’s like betting against yourself. psychologically, it puts you in a state of readiness to fail your own goal. before your next encounter with such hurt, you may find you’ve learned a new technique to deal with it in a better way.

If you promise yourself that you will react only by cutting, you only increase your chances of success at more cutting. Is that what you want?

Of all the advice of yours I have seen, I think that is the clearest advice about dealing with mental issues, @ninjacolin, that I have ever read. Or maybe it’s because I agree with it.

Whenever I feel like saying “I can’t,” I do try to pull myself back from that brink. Perhaps for that very reason. But there are many other thoughts involved with that thought. Mostly I think that “I can’t” is a way of letting myself off the hook, and I don’t want to let myself off the hook.

But can I sometimes, I wonder, let myself off the hook? It doesn’t mean I’m not going to try next time, or that I’m going to think I am incapable. It’s just that I’m really tired of beating myself up. It doesn’t help anything. And if I’m too tired this time, or even if, God forbid, I’m actually using it as an excuse to let myself go, so what? I mean, don’t I get a chance to fail sometimes? Don’t I get to be lazy sometimes? Can’t I get a rest sometimes?

I’m so fucking hard on myself just about all the time. You should feel my back muscles. I don’t think they’ve been relaxed in two decades. It’s not like I’m not trying. If I whine or moan about the pain—surely someone can listen? If I want some pity, surely I can get some sometimes without people getting tired of my shit?

If I can’t control myself this time, so what? So fucking what? I get to take advantage of people’s sympathies sometimes. I don’t do it all the time. And I need support. Or I want support. I’m not manipulating you into giving it to me. It’s your choice. But believe me, I am grateful to those who do support me, even if I am out of control. Especially when I am out of control!

@wundayatta said: “I’m not manipulating you into giving [support] to me. It’s your choice.”

this is inaccurate. my support to you is directly caused by your actions. you’re using the word “manipulate” in some kind of negative sense that isn’t relevant. manipulation isn’t negative or positive. it’s mechanical, it just is. i support you because i see that you need support. this is to say that your actions have the consequence of support. just like how you can’t help but react the way you do to your hurt, i can’t help but react the way i do to your hurt.

@wundayatta said: “But can I [...] let myself off the hook? It doesn’t mean I’m not going to try next time, or that I’m going to think I am incapable. It’s just that I’m really tired of beating myself up. It doesn’t help anything. And if I’m too tired this time, or even if, God forbid, I’m actually using it as an excuse to let myself go, so what? I mean, don’t I get a chance to fail sometimes? Don’t I get to be lazy sometimes? Can’t I get a rest sometimes?”

yes! you get a break to be lazy and let off the hook every single time you lose sight of your goal. the rest of the time, however, you are achieving your goal.

@ninjacolin what kind of goal are you talking about?

well, you didn’t feel the need to get specific in that last exchange, so i didn’t either.
i was really speaking about the general goal of not indulging in an addictive behavior, whatever it might be. i assumed maybe you were speaking about cutting as an addiction, but i don’t know if that’s what you meant.

@wundayatta said: “Of all the advice of yours I have seen, I think that is the clearest advice about dealing with mental issues, @ninjacolin, that I have ever read.”

ahem! i tend to think all my advice is 100% poifect at all times. ;)

@ninjacolin I don’t really care if I cut more or not at the moment. It helps me, and I won’t turn that away.

If you can’t find some self-control yourself, you somebody to help you find it, but at least you seem to know it and that’s a step in the right direction. If you’re willing to work on it, this does not seem to present too mnay difficulties

@Dibley: I know exactly how you feel…..I used to do that & my boyfriend still does it.