How do you know which of your behaviors are in your control and what isn't?

@wundayatta: Don’t regress. That much you may be able to control. This question has been asked and answered dozens of times (loony as that seems).

. How’s the weather where you are? I have the tips of daffodils sticking up, and the weeping willows are showing that tantalizing tinge of yellow, that means spring will eventually come.

Every behaviour i have exhibited is a choice…even when blotto ;)I wish I could blame it on Budweiser,but Bob was a choice…a very poor choice,but a choice just the same…

You know what, @gailcalled? We ask that question in my group every other week, and even though we have a lot of experience with it, we still don’t know. I’m not getting depressed, if that’s what you meant.

Pretty much every decision has been of my own accord besides a few events that I participated in that resulted in me feeling a certain way that I couldn’t control, but that’s how I decided to not make those mistakes again. For example that falling in love thing, I know it will happen again and I know I may get married again in the future, but it seems i’m trying my hardest to make sure it doesn’t happen because I’m aware of all the bad stuff that can come along with it.

@lucillelucillelucille – What about Bob? Or is that asking too much? ;)

I don’t think you can be in control of something unless you’re conscious of it. If you’re not conscious of when you slide into a depression, for example, and one day you wake up depressed, I mean, how are you supposed to stop that? The only way to figure out what’s going on is to keep talking, communing with yourself and exploring with the appropriate help to become more conscious of your behaviors, emotions and patterns.

i have a dilema im dealing with and its alcohol abuse. I stopped drinking when i was 21 because i realized i was an alcoholic. Im 27 now and i relapsed 2 months ago and haven’t stop drinking since. Its like a monster was awakened and he’s stronger then before. It scares me so much because now i have alot to loose. I feel like i should just decide to stop, but i always minimize my behavior by telling my self as long as the bills are paid its okay. Truth is ive been beating my self up about it and i too read Dlbey’s qeustion, but i couldnt answer that qeustion. I promise you that i will not loose this battle, but im going to seek professinal help and handle it the right way this time.

I know that there is a great deal that I am not in control of, either from brain chemistry (depression) or basic hardwiring (Aspergers). I’m taking steps right now to force myself out to the “comfort zone” (rut?), swallow the fears and march forward. I have no idea where this will take me, but it’s got to be better than wallowing in self-pity and grief. The worst that can happen is failing at it and being back where I’m at now, so I have really nothing to lose.
As for love, I have made the concious choice never to head in that direction again.

@life_after_2012 I understand that’s not an easy thing to deal with, speaking from experience. But if you were able to stay away for 6 years, you can do it again! Best of luck!
@stranger_in_a_strange_land Hang in there. I understand you’ve been through quite a lot lately. I really do wish you the best. hugs

@bennett thank you that means alot to me..

It all depends on whether you choose your instinct or your common sense.

You are asking a very difficult question to answer. Addictions and or addictive personalities are some of the most challenging issues for both the person and the people trying to assist the person. From a drug and alcohol perspective all the friends I have had go down that path have all had to have extreme adjustments and modifications to their lives to eliminate any and all expose to the drug or booze and the people associated with that activity. Very difficult to do and sustain but doable if you want it bad enough. That in itself seemed to be key….needing and wanting to make that change(s) bad enough. You have to want it bad enough.

@bennett and ((hugs)) to you, my friend

Depends on what you can blame on the dog.

It’s all choices.
you will always have that. a sort of…...onechoiceatta

I like to think that every behavior is in my control; if I feel like I can’t control it, it’s just that I haven’t figured out how to control it yet.

This is over-optimistic considering I am likely not cognizant of all my behaviors, but it keeps me active when looking at how I interact with the world. I think that’s the best way to change my behaviors that are self-destuctive – or just destructive to other people. In many cases I have been able to change my behaviors, but it does take time and practice.

even the addictions you can’t control you can control getting over – there are ways to get help.

Well, if you start with the assumption you have certain behavior that you have no control over, you leave yourself an option not to be responsible for certain actions.

It’s a lot more production to start with the assumption that you have control over all of your actions. That whenever something happens you ask yourself, “how did I contribute to this occurring?” and discover in the process that you have more control than you think you do; or at least own up to the fact that you have more control than you’re willing to exercise.

Everything is in your power to control unless you choose to give that power away.

@wundayatta: i believe you have 0 control over your actions in a given moment.
instead, whatever you happen to believe is true in that moment, is what you will act on.
cause and effect.

If you have the power to control everything, how do you explain self-destructive acts when you are happy? The only conclusion is that you can’t stand yourself, happy or not.

@SABOTEUR i disagree that the delusion of control is useful.
It’s better to recognize the truth that your beliefs cause all your actions.
managing your beliefs will manage your actions.

and you can only do that to satisfaction.. by first believing that managing your beliefs will lead to managing your actions ;) and of course, first you have to give up the delusion that you can control yourself by some mystical thing called “will power” alone.

Two criteria: Empirical Feedback and Objective analysis

Or, what do other people say, and how do you feel about it.

@aprilsimnel -I can only speak for myself when it comes to my actions.Bob was bad bad bad!lol!

@wundayatta That you are controlling how much happiness you allow yourself to feel.
Your hand is always on the dial.

Turn it UP for HAPPPEEEE
Turn it down or off for miserreee

Always, your choice

It’s an unbreakable knob

You do have the right to feel misery. ...but why?

@OneMoreMinute I have read that there is an exception to your statement; when the brain malfunctions and a chemical imbalance is created that does not allow the voluntary choice of feel good or feel misery. This is a medical fact.

@ninjacolin I think we said the same thing in different ways.

@SABOTEUR sort of, yes, but I think there’s a very fine but important difference in our approaches

@YARNLADY and I have read that the foods that we choose to eat effect us in many ways. The thoughts we hold will effect our emotions, and our chronic emotions can make us ill or even kill us.
Places we choose to go effect us. People we choose to associate with effect us. Our Judgements can effect our chemicals…etc etc etc
Yet No one else controlls our level of well being outside of us unless we choose to allow it.
I won’t believe in a powerless human no matter what book is shown to me.
Medicine can evolve, and also be proven wrong.
It is ok that we have different views.

Your power is forever because that comes from the place inside you that has no limits.

@OneMoreMinute My view is in agreement with yours. I am convinced that we can choose how we respond to our surroundings, and choose our feelings in response to the events we encounter. I am just saying that I have read that there are other factors that might interfere with our choices.

I have very little control over anything. I try so hard not to do certain things but end up doing them. When I first met my s/o, I tried so hard to want him and told myself to leave him alone, I couldn’t and didn’t. I tell myself I am fat and to leave the chocolate alone, I don’t, and then hate myself for being fat. I say to myself not to self harm, but then I do it. Some people are stronger than others, and those others have Depression, then it is even harder to have any control.

@Dibley “You have very little control over ANYTHING?” ... Did you really mean to say that you have challenges staying within your personal INTEGRITY? That is, making healthy choices that serve and benefit you?

@yarnlady ok that sounds more empowering, and also I like that you placed the word “MIGHT” in there.

I will be out until this evening to continue with this conversation.

@Dibley l. Don’t hate yourself for not meeting your goals. That in itself is defeating.
2. Make up your mind that you will take control over yourself. That is the easiest part.
3. Once you make up your mind, the hard part starts, but take it one step at a time.
4. (Using your example)OK, eat one piece of candy – then walk around the block a couple of time to make up for it.
5. Try not to deny yourself things you like. I love french fries, but I can feel good about taking just 5 of them, and stop. I count them out on my plate or napkin, and give the bag to someone else.
6. Ask your doctor for some tips and a referral to a dietitian.
7. Eat more fruits and vegetables and less meat and snacks. Drink at least 6 glasses of water a day – avoid soft drinks. Walk at least one mile a day, or equivalent exercise. Get enough sleep so you don’t feel tired. Resolve to do something good for yourself every single day.
8. Write down everytime you do something good for yourself, and also everytime you miss your goal. That can help you recognize your ‘triggers’.

@YARNLADY. I actually eat very well and I exerise at least 15 miles each day, think it is my mental attitude that is my boundary.

@Dibley Good, a healthy body is a very good step toward developing a healthy mind.