Should I wait for my girlfriend to decide if she wants to be with me?

Welcome to the collective.

First, I think that you should listen to what your ex-girlfriend is saying to you.

She is saying not to wait. She is not holding out hope that it is “just a break”. She is telling you that you two have broken up for good.

If you have any hope of getting back together with her, it would be if you were willing to give up your family of origin or to tell them who you are and ask them to accept her as your girlfriend.

Are you prepared to do that? If so, then you could ask her if you did that if she would consider returning to you.

But I don’t hold out much hope.

If she needs a “break” from you, obviously she can be without you. I think you deserve better, there is someone else in the world that wouldn’t take a “break” from you.

Wow! That’s tough. There have been so many couples who let love keep them together despite their family’s opposition, Now you have a girlfriend who won’t be with you because your family doesn’t support you?

It sounds like a couple of things are happening, I think she is upset that you have not come out to your parents. I suppose she could worry that you are not serious about being a lesbian, but that’s kind of silly. Perhaps her greater fear is that you may leave her because of your unwillingness to stand up to your family.

The other thing I’m detecting here is that she has pretty much left you. If she says not to wait, that’s a supposedly gentle way of saying, “no way I’m coming back.” She is pretty damn sure she doesn’t want you any more. Which makes me question how much she loved you in the first place.

I suspect you’ve been trying to protect yourself from the pain. You don’t want it to be over because that would mean you have to face the pain of rejection and loneliness. Worse, you have face this pain with no one around who understands… and really cares. Unless you have some friends who might get it. So you cling to that little hope that she might come back. It gives you an excuse to put your life on hold,

I think it is time to face the music. I don’t think you would have asked this question, otherwise. What you feared most has happened, and you are alone and you are in that unbearable pain that still must be borne, All I can say is that you should find friends wherever you can—preferably in real life, but if not, then here. You’ll need a lot of support and you’ll be doing a lot of crying and feeling so very alone. It’s hell. But I’m afraid I don’t think you can hold it off any longer.

[I hope I’m not being too dramatic, and I really hope it isn’t as bad as I’m thinking. Best of luck to you.]

I personally refuse to hold on to someone that doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t mind putting up a good fight, but some battles are pointless. i always end up better off, but thats just me, ya know.

Warm welcome to the collective.

Do what’s best for you. From what you’ve said, not to be harsh, but it sounds like she has moved on. It might be hard to cope with, but if she is what’s best for you, then I advise you to never give up. I just went through the same thing. And I got my girl back. It’s still tough, but I’d rather hve it that way then any other way. Keep on keeping on girl.

c:

Thank you all for your helpful suggestions. I know I should do what’s best for me and honestly I have been ready for so many years to just be with her. There is no one I would rather be with she is my everything I honestly feel lost with out her. When I pictured my future it was her I pictured. We are currently living together and have been for the past five years and now it’s just hard because I can’t just go up to her and kiss or hug her. She tells me that she still wants me in her life but just as friends. She says that at the very beginning we were friends. I don’t think I would come out of the closet to my parents because I know for a fact that they will not understand. Their vision of a couple is man and woman. I just wish I can go to someone but I can’t because all the friends we have are her friends. It’s hard but I have kept everything inside for so long there are times that I just cry myself to sleep. I have already asked her time and time again how long she needs and she tells me that she doesn’t know. She tells me that she doesn’t like hurting me but that she needs to do this for herself because she doesn’t want to do this in the future. She tells me not to say that we are NEVER going to get back together. So I still have a little hope as days go by I try my very best to keep myself busy but there is only so much you can do before I start thinking about her.

Is she out to her parents and friends, but you’re not out to yours?

No my ex-girlfriend isn’t out to her parents but our friends know that we have been together for so long.

I am reminded of how much, much easier it is to be objective from the outside looking in, as opposed to the inside looking out

Perhaps I should first state that I have absolutely no experience with coming out but I would like to comment that 5 years seems like an extraordinary period of time to live with someone in a love relationship without one’s parents being aware. I’m not suggesting that the parents of an adult need to be apprised of everything in one’s life but by not telling them you are all so not giving them the opportunity to extend themselves beyond their comfort zone by accepting your personal choices. Admittedly, they may choose to remain in their present mindset but at some point, unless you want to continue hiding this significant aspect of your life from your parents, you are going to have to come clean, surely.

@kelmo You need to think hard about why you are not coming out to your parents. Why do you give them (and their disapproval) so much power over your life? Especially if you have been out of their house for at least the five years you have lived with your girlfriend.

If you decide you can’t or won’t come out, you need to move out from your girlfriend. it will be impossible for you to move on emotionally while you are still living together.

i had a similar problem, although it wasnt becuase of gender it was becuase of religion. my parents are EXTREMELY religious and never approved of anyone from a different religion as theirs (jehovahs witnesses) so any girl i would have they would not even want to meet. so i assumed this was still the case and never spoke to them about any girlfriend including my current one. one day we had an argument and she told me she is very family oriented and felt bad that she was not welcome at my home. she felt really bad that i was so close to her family and that mine didnt even know about her. ive always wanted to have my family close with my gf but i knew that could never happen but becuase my gf means more to me than anything i decided to give it a try. i spoke to them about her and told them that even though im not their religion and neither is my girl i am still their son, and they should at least try for me. to my surprise they agreed and i had her over my house and my mom actually cooked for her that very weekend.

- you may not want to do it, but its who you are and your parents are going to love you regardless, your their daughter and even if they dont agree or approve that wont change how they feel for you.and to your surprise they may actually be more understanding then you may realize like my parents were. you never know until you try, and what have you got to loose now? your already broken up. 9 years is a veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrryyy long time to have a relationship in secret. and i know that its very stressful to not be able to include your family with someone you care so much for….

-so thats my opinion.

@bigboss GA

Thank you all for you responses they were very informative. Yes I know that 9+ years is a long time to have a relationship kept as a secret. But I do know for a fact that my parents will never accept me being gay because they have always wanted me to get married. The way I see things is that no matter who I choose to be with doesn’t matter as long as that person makes me happy. Your right no matter what my parents will love me regardless but just the fact of hurting them is hard. I really can’t move out of our house because I still have hope that we will get back together. No matter what happens to us I know that we both can’t afford to live alone right now. When we were together my money and her money was our money. I kind of want to move on but I can’t because I love her so much and feel that she is the one for me. One thing that has me wondering if we will get back together is that she paid for my car insurance and my truck tires this month. What do you guys think that means?

@kelmo
arnt gay marriages legal in some states?

and about the car insurance and truck tires. that means that she just cares about you and wants to help, maybe you needed it, i dont know. but a 9 year relationship cant just be forgotten overnight, and even though you two are not together does not mean that she doesnt care about you and wants to help out or make sure your doing ok.