I need advice on handling a difficult mother/daughter relationship?

Not to give you a short answer, but there are two sides to every story and we are only hearing about your side. is it possible that your mother can also give us her side, here on Fluther? i ask this for a reason. the bottomline for you is to move and you have stated this. i know its hard to avoid each other, since you live under the same roof. where is your father? can he intervene in your behalf or is he out of the picture? this is a serious situation for you and your mother.

I don’t think there is anything you can do to change her behavior, so you will have to change yours. The only advice I have for you is not to engage. If she accuses you of something you didn’t do, apologize. If she says something outrageous, agree with her. There is no value in arguing with her, it just makes you nuts. And then get out as soon as you can, and try to remember when you grow up never ever to do that to your kids.

@john65pennington You’re right that there’s two sides & I do appreciate that my mother has her own issues. I think she wants her own space and maybe feels stuck that I’m here. It is not possible to have her explain her side on fluther. The thought of that ever happening makes me smile. She’d laugh at that. My father is out of the picture – we have a relationship, but not a close one. besides, I am an adult and would not want him to intervene on his behalf. I’ve tried to sit down and talk to her so many times now. I’m sick of the whole situation frankly, but I’m stuck as I need to keep a roof over my head.

@dpworkin Thanks :)

I’m sorry to hear about this situation. It sounds like moving out is the best option, and I’m guessing you can afford to move, you just don’t realize it. A place that houses two (when you’re not spliting the rent) is generally more expensive than a place that houses one – are there any efficiency apartments around?

But if you absolutely cannot move because you’re stuck in a lease or some other set of circumstances (for example, there are no efficiency apartments around), then I believe you need to make clear boundaries in the house. It sucks to treat your mom like a roommate but if that’s what needs to be done then that’s what need to be done. You could:

1. Remind her that since you’re paying rent, you have the ultimate authority in the house and would like to be treated with respect. If your name isn’t on the lease this becomes a little bit more of a sticky situation.

2. Talk it out. Help her recognize that you don’t want to get into these conflicts and that they’re not moving the relationship forward in a positive direction. Attempt to get to the root cause of her behavior: Is she scared of letting you go? Does she want attention? Does it make her feel more in-control of her life if she paints you as someone who is deserving of being belittled? Does she really just want what’s best for you and doesn’t know how to express that?

3. Listen to someone else’s suggestions.

PS: In regards to your other question about finding work abroad… I think this is probably a good catalyst for that.

You’re old enough live on your own now. but you can still help to sustain her life if you think that’s your responsibility. An adult cannot control another adult. Please just be patient until you can get on and move out. After that she can do no more. She always try to treat you like that because she always think she’s the ‘right’ mom,and the chance to do that seems bigger and happen more often since you live in the same house with her.

The mother-daughter thing can be tense, and we don’t know what your mother was like when you were growing up—is this normal behavior for her, or is this different from the way she was before? What are her hot buttons?

@StephK Thank you! I think our relationship is a bit unhealthy and because we’re around each other so much, it adds fuel to the fire. She thinks she knows whats best for me and I know she means well, but she’s really crossing the line.
Maybe I can explore my options about moving a bit more, but I think they’re very limited. I’ve alread looked into that so often.
@Doctor_D Of course & I’m more than aware that I’m at an age where I can support myself. The issue is that I’ve had to move back home due to circumstances beyond my control. Not everything is so straight-forward, but thanks for the input
@PandoraBoxx She’s always been over-protective & very ‘involved’ in my life, from the very big to the very small. I’m open to advice, etc from her, but I am not open to being ‘told’ how to live my life. It makes me sad to think that we have so many of these issues. If we had distance, we’d get on a lot better. We did in the past when I wasn’t living at home

Stardust, thanks for your response. have you tried to move in with a friend and pay half the expenses? this would be a fast solution to your problem. have you confronted your mother and advised her that you moving in with a friend is a possibility? if so, what was her reaction? you guys are too close for comfort and it appears there is a personality conflict between the two of you. you need your space and so does your mother. having “personal” time(boyfriend) has really got to be a problem for both of you. search for a friend. this may be your only solution for the time being.

Can you take her to psychologist?. I’m sure that will help to solve this problem.

Dig deep and find the will to ignore. She can’t argue with you if you don’t engage. She can rant AT you, but that’s about it. Sometimes it’s tough when two women are living in the same nest. If you can’t fix it, you gotta stand it. Grit your teeth and stand it until you find a way out.

@john65pennington This is something I’ve been looking into since before christmas. I’ve even posted on my facebook page for a flatmate. It’s proving tough due to my own limited resources. Things like a deposit, which I’ll need a lump sum for. I need time to save some money for that. Hopefully something will come up soon and I’ll find someone who’s looking to share. Thanks for the response

Your mother probably feels powerless over her own life with an adult daughter still at home, and damned if she does (let you continue living with her) and doesn’t (makes your need to make changes yours and not hers). Your decisions are undoubtedly what got you into your position of still living with your mother at your age, and so every decision you make affects her life directly. You haven’t been responsible for anyone else for almost a quarter-century. Believe me, it wears one out and down, especially when there’s no end in sight. She’s getting older and would probably love to enjoy her own space in her own way, and though you pay rent and for your own food, does she need that? From the little you’ve shared, you need her, she doesn’t need you. And yes, there is both shame and guilt to deal with when you’re the parent of an adult child who is incapable of taking care of their own life. I’m not condoning her belittling you to others, but suggesting that it’s coming from her feeling that though you need to live in her home, the two of you can’t even discuss that issue.

I don’t see anything odd or unusual about a 24 year old daughter living at home. School debt and lack of decent paying jobs has young people returning home in droves.

How well do you manage what she knows about your life? She doesn’t have to know everything. Several of my daughter’s friends are experiencing problems because their relationship with their mothers has been “my mother is my best friend.” Eventually you do have a parting of the ways, and your mother needs to be your mother, and your friends, your friends. Don’t tell her everything.

Manage her need to give advice by asking for it before she has a chance to offer it, and question her about why she thinks a certain thing is the right thing to do. You can learn to factor in what makes sense to do, and what’s a matter of personal taste.

My daughter told me that I did a pretty good job with her, and she promises me not to make any big mistakes, but she does need some room to make mistakes, or she will never learn. Ask your mom if she thinks that she did a good job raising you, and if she thinks she’s taught you how to make good decisions.

@Dracool I think what you’re saying might be true in some respects. Maybe she feels held back by the fact that I’m living with her for the moment. However, I think ‘you need her, she doesn’t need you’ is an understandable, but simplistic statement. Every mother and daughter have their own dynamic – healthy or unhealthy. She has issues with not letting me spread my own wings too. On the one hand, she tells me I’m an adult & I need to live my own life(very true), but on the other, she ties to control how I live my life. Thanks for the input :)
@Silhouette Thanks, i think I’ll have to do this for the time being

@PandoraBoxx Thank you. This is the kind of advice I was hoping for. The very reason I’m at home is due to repaying student loans, bad paying job after bad paying job… As far as I can see around me, there are plenty of people my age who have had to move home
As it so happens, we have had that ‘best friend’ relationship. So yeah, I know that needs to change. Maybe I wouldn’t take what she says too personally if the relationship was different.
Thank you very much :)

You have been given a lot of advice. The only thing I can add is to remind yourself that this is temporary and it will end. I find difficult situations easier to bear if I remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

@stardust I was coming at it from the financial end because that’s sort of how you presented it in your explanation. Of course there are dynamics galore. I’m the parent of two adults and the grandparent of six, and we’ve had a boatload of issues that arose over their needing to come back home in their mid-20’s to restart their lives after making bad decisions. That comes with such a mixed-bag of dynamics that to list them would take longer than anyone wants to read. It affected our relationships long after they turned their lives around by making better decisions, and it all boiled down to not knowing how to talk to each other about it. Tensions build, as you mention, and love gets frayed, and we say and do things that we’ll regret for years to come ~ both you and your mother. I wrote you needed her and she didn’t you strictly from a roof over your head, heat, lights, showers, laundry and all the luxuries that cost beyond partial rent and your food. Since I feel I know the place your mother is in, and yours ~ but only since my family and I had years of carrying around pain and resentments that we’ve only recently been able to discuss. Time does heal all wounds, and wounds all heels. I now understand the pressure, failure and frustration that young adults in these situations feel. I now know, that you and your mom, deep down, want the same things: your success and to be seen, heard and appreciated. But hindsight’s everything. I wish I’d had an outlet like this when I was going through it. I wish you both the very best, and that you’ll both find your way back to the special love and bond you have with each other, and figure out a way to listen to each other and start ‘saying your peace’ to each other. It’s really hard to move forward when we’re so actively creating obstacles.

@Dracool Thanks for that. It helps to have another perspective & I appreciate your seeing it from both points of view. Yes, you are right. She does not need me in any financial respect and clearly, I need to stay here for the moment.
Your reply has given me some things to think about – our relationship needs to change. We need to be more transparent with each other and less close in some ways. It’s not worth falling out with her, if it can be helped. Thanks again
@Supacase I’ll remember this, thanks :)

can you meet a guy and live with him? not very good offering I know but it would solve your problem

your 24, stop complaining and move the fuck out.

@bigboss C’mon bigboss, smile! The world will be a nicer place ;)

@stardust lol sorry i just know what its like to be annoyed with ppl your living with, sometimes you just want them to leeeeeaaave.

@bigboss well I can understand that. I’ve lived with difficult housemates in the past :)

Oh my gosh – I have the exact same relationship with my mother!!! We’re the same age too lol. but I don’t live with her. What I do is fire back at her – We will fight tooth and nail – but it seems to make things better after that

@the women here. oooooh you guys have it good! ive heard of fist fights between mothers and daughters! be glad its not like that.

@bigboss I do have fist fights with my mother – I have since I was 13 :/

13? holy shit your a scrapper! i like that lol. but seriously stop hitting your mom..she took enuff pain pushing your violent ass out of her vagina…did you punch the doctor that delivered you?

@bigboss woah woah – It’s not like she didn’t hit back – Shes a scrapper too!

hahaha, now I’m relieved it hasn’t reached that stage…yet

@LethalCupcake DUCK!!

@stardust yet?! lol….you too..duck!

I’m 25, I am a mother of 2, my mother lives with me and your detail section might as well be mine – just today we had 2 fights about meaningless shit – if I had a choice and she was a friend, I wouldn’t waste any time on the friendship..as it stands she is my mother and does help out with the kids and I don’t want to leave her during her aging days so we just fight, so it goes…

You got a lot of good advice already, so I’ll just add a bit of hope: at about your age I used to have a bad patch of relationship with my mother, where she did not approve of certain choices of mine and really let me know, which drove me nuts. But 10 years later and with some distance to the hurtful things, we have gotten over it, she did even apologize to me (and I to her for stuff I did stupidly at the time), and I feel we have a much closer and healthier relationship than ever before.