What the hell does a guy like me do?

First of all, at 20 stay out of bars. 18–20 yo girls who are in bars are looking to get drunk and stupid not for nice guys. There are almost unlimited social opportunities in a college town. That is always assuming you are looking for a social relationship not just to get laid. Widen your horizons, join organizations. If you are out there, rhey will come.

Ive looked. There is nothing I’m interested in. The social groups through the university are either things I’m not even close to interested in ( like learning arabic) or only are for competition ( like the skiing club, I love skiing, but i don’t want to turn it into something I don’t like because it becomes a competition and not just something to do for fun….)

What kinds of activities do you like to do?

What hobbies interest you?

You are going to have to seek out people like you. They might not find out.

I think the most important questions you can answer is what kind of girl do you want to be with? What do you want to have common interests in? If you don’t find the right girls at bars maybe she is looking somewhere else too.

How about starting a group for writers? poets and writers? Not a critique group, more of a special interest group. Find a place, pick a date, post a notice. What’s the worst that can happen?

Are you looking for a relationship, or are you looking for some tail?
You’ve described yourself as an “extreme introvert” elsewhere. Bars and house parties don’t sound like an introvert’s realm, and unless you pull a 180 on your style of existence, you shouldn’t expect to get it to work.

If you’re looking for a relationship, go somewhere with activities you like, or at least something similar.
What are you interested in? Sports (playing, watching?)? Computer games? Music? Religion? Beer pong?

You’re only 20 and you’re worried about not being able to find girls and fun? You’re so young you have nothing to worry about! I think it’s more important that you learn to like yourself a lot first, before trying to seek out happiness that is supposedly “out there.” Once you do that, things will come. I never dated, and still met the girl of my dreams and married her at 26! Today I’m happily married with two wonderful small children. Life is not a game or a contest. There’s no rule that says you have to be like this or that in order for you to be happy. However, there is truth in the matter of “things will happen if you don’t stress over them,” and “wanting and desiring brings suffering.” Cultivate a sense of self-worth and reward yourself first, and don’t try too hard over things that are really, in the big picture of things, “insignificant” and not that important, especially at your age. I am of the belief that being 20 and the early 20s are NOT best years of a person’s life. At that “unripe age”, a person can still easily make foolish choices and bad decisions, and these can forever mar your life. People generally don’t really begin to wise up until they’re in their late 20s and 30s——for me, the best years of your life begin after your mistakes are made early on in life, when you’re in your late teens, and early 20s.

@MRSHINYSHOES Ok I didn’t even read your entire post before I decided that you’re not worth listening to.
Here’s why: ”Life is not a game or a contest” and ”you’re worried about not being able to find girls and fun?”

It isn’t a contest. But the thing is, I’m clearly not having fun. You literally stated my issue and told me to not worry about it.
Ok, I’m not going to try to fix my problem, I’m just going to continue to go around being miserable. Man I wish I knew more people as wise as you.

@Jeruba Look at what @Sarcasm said… I’m way too shy to start anything.

@Sarcasm There’s no interesting social groups around here. I’ve spent days looking.

@Shield_of_Achilles, I hope your unwarranted dismissal of @MRSHINYSHOES (who did have something to say; I read it) isn’t an example of how you treat people who don’t deliver exactly what you were expecting.

@Shield_of_Achilles
Your response to @MRSHINYSHOES ” Ok I didn’t even read your entire post before I decided that you’re not worth listening to.” might go some way towards explaining why you are in the position you are in. Quite rude, don’t you think? The guy was just trying to help!

@Jeruba Your swifter typing beat me to making the same point.

I don’t know how to word a response without coming off like an asshole.

I guess all I have to say at this point is ”You’re only 20 and you’re worried about not being able to find girls and fun? You’re so young you have nothing to worry about!”. If I’m not worried about not being able to have fun, and I’m doing fine in all my classes so I’m not worried about grades…. What am I supposed to be working on?

You want a fine lady? Don’t go to a bar. Just be yourself. If you go around hunting for girls, they’re gonna avoid you.

Just be yourself and I’m sure you’ll be fine :D

Oh and by the way @Shield_of_Achilles
You may have fine grades, but if what you said to @MRSHINYSHOES is typical of your behavior, then it is no wonder that you’re not having any fun and can’t get a girl.

You need to be compassionate and learn to accept everyone’s input, and listen to them even though you disagree with their views…the wise man can play with thoughts in his head but still not accept them, the fool doesn’t play with or accept any ideas at all…

@Shield_of_Achilles ” What am I supposed to be working on?”
Looking back (quite a way back) at myself at 20, and now seeing the same thing to be evident in my own kids and others of a similar age, I am of the belief that the period of life
( late teens – early 20s) tends to be characterised by a sense that one knows enough about life. That one has arrived at adulthood – fully fledged. And that one has (or should have) acquired enough social skills to make life run smoothly and in accord with ones wishes.

Well, repeated knocks against reality as it actually is ( that you don’t know enough) tends to lead to frustration and disappointments. Only time and further experience (and mistakes and setbacks) will correct this. The you of 5 or 10 or more years from now will look back and know just how much you yet had to learn.

Meanwhile, you could try :-

* Being open to well meaning advice from those further down the road.

* Apologising for any clumsy mistakes that you make.

* Accepting that you perhaps don’t know enough ( and like the rest of us, will probably never) yet.

* Understand that you are not expected to be an expert. This alone can be very liberating.

* Relax, laugh and try not to be too serious when out socially. People tend to gravitate towards you if you do and away from you if you are uptight.

The list could go on, but I already see plenty of good advice in the above postings.
Especially from the one of bright footwear!

Finally, well done to you for asking here for help. A very encouraging sign and a good start toward resolving your difficulties.

Speaking as someone who’s been incredibly shy for my whole life, I’d say that giving up on something because you’ve decided you’re too shy to do it is not the best way to go. If you’re not seeing any organizations or activities that interest you, you should really think about starting one of your own. It won’t be easy for you, and it’ll go against everything that you’re comfortable with for a little while, but once you do it, you’ll likely find some friends who you’ll be very comfortable with, and who will accept you in all your introversion.

Think of something you really enjoy doing – be it writing, skiing for fun, reading a certain kind of books – and post something on a central bulliten board at your school, saying you’re starting this group that’s meeting at a local coffee shop (or someplace similar), with a date and time. Pick someplace that you’re already comfortable with, so you don’t have to deal with too many new experiences at once, and plan something to say to get the ball rolling – even something as simple as “So, what’s the last book you read that you really liked?” or “Where did you learn to ski?” And then just keep in mind that you just have to get through the discomfort of the first meeting – after that, you’ll know the people, and planning the next meeting won’t be nearly as scary.

Believe me, I know this is an incredibly hard thing to do, and I’m the first person to stand up and say that introverts work differently than extroverts, and we shouldn’t go around trying to be more extroverted. But I’ve also learned that we can’t just let our introversion take over, because we’ll end up missing out on a lot of great opportunities. What we have to do is create situations that we’re comfortable with – even if the actual creation part is way outside of our comfort zones. It’s hard, but I know you can do it!

Good luck with everything!

I hated the university scene. I found the entire experience to be a waste of my parents money, and a breeding grown for immature little boys and girls to play and make merry sport with each other. Honestly, I always looked to the internet to meet people in a more controlled environment. Stay away from bars all together! Those provide nothing but trouble. Or you know people knock on it but finding a nice wholesome girl in church can be the way to go. Thats how my parents met! Been together 50 years. I met my girlfriend through myspace :) :) Shes an angel! Perhaps you should try it.

@Shield_of_Achilles, perhaps you need to change your perspective on what you must do in order to attract girls, and the purpose of activities for interactions. For example, take ski club. Ski club is only a competition if you’re playing one-upmanship with the boys. Girls are more interested in having someone to ski down a slope with. So what if you’re helping girls down the bunny slope for part of the day? You get a chance to talk to them, and they think you’re nice for helping. And that’s the whole purpose, right?

With respect to other interests, is there an Eta Sigma Phi chapter at your university where you could volunteer and attend events? Is there an international studies center? Are there classes in ballroom dancing, salsa dancing, modern dance? Guys are always at a premium in dance classes, and while ballroom and salsa are social, modern is great for your overall flexibility. Boldly go where most guys don’t go. Rock climbing, hiking clubs? Again, the thing is to meet girls, not show off your prowess.

One mistake I see guys making is that they take an approach in focusing on one girl, ignoring all others, put all their energy in trying to impress her, and then get disappointed when the girl blows him off. You can get much further by being nice and attentive to a larger group of girls. It’s a bit slower process, but more effective on the long run.

It sounds to me like you have a rather large emptiness in your life and you are looking for something to fill it… but that will most likely never happen if you continually look to other people, activities, or things to fill that void. In all due respect, you should focus on your studies and learn more about yourself. Because it isn’t until you are able to feel whole within your own skin… with yoourself, that anything outside of that skin will ever give you a sense of fulfillment. I would start the search within.

I didn’t have time to study the questions and answers thoroughly because I’m scrambling to get some stuff done, so if I missed something and look like a dork, my apologies in advance. I’m 48 yrs old, and I have never successfully picked up a girl anywhere. Bars, parties, etc. I never have been able to delibrately go up to a girl with any success. I can’t count how many times girls have picked me up. I’d go out with a good group of friends, be myself and just enjoy the hell out of myself. I love to laugh and make others laugh. So I ‘d be having a good time and a girl would just show up without me even noticing, or we’d make eye contact and she’d let me know she was interested. And it just went from there. I never got aggressive or that would cause her to back off. Let her lead the way and set the pace. It works amazingly well. Even when you’re making out let her set the pace and boundries. I’m an average joe, but I look back and I can’t believe some of the success I had.

When stuck in the river, it is best to dive and swim to the bank yourself before someone drops a large stone on your chest in an attempt to hoosh you there.
Eeyore
Eeyore’s Gloomy Little Instruction Book

ALL advise is worth listening to.

Second thought,Do you have a group of guys that share your interests? I should have lead with that, because finding friends is the first part of my first answer. Just relax and be yourself. You have to be honest with yourself first, people can always pickup on dishonesty.

You are at college to get an education. Everything else is secondary to that. I was very shy as well (it turns out that I had Aspergers Syndrome, but I didn’t learn that until many years later). Turn your lack of social skills to an advantage. Spend the time that others are wasting on social frivolity studying. The study will result in higher grades, better grad school, better professional prospects. The social aspects can wait. Bars and drunken parties are about the worst way to find a stable, loving relationship; it’s just a meat market of shallow appearances and potential STDs.

My brother is a jerk.

My bad about last night. Bombed a few energy drinks to try and have a good time. I couldn’t taste the vodka my brother kept putting in my coke…

You sound just like my younger brother, poor baby. I know it’s not much comfort now, but if you can wait it out for a few years, things will get better.

Here’s my take on the situation: Girls around your age want to be treated like shit, whether they want to admit that or not. That’s why they fall for the douchebags, the assholes, the jerks who just want to sleep with them. If a guy actually treats them with dignity and respect, they blow him off. Obvoiusly, this doesn’t apply to all girls in that age range, but a majority of them. Anyway, from what I’ve seen, around 25 or 26 is when girls start to realize that guys like you are the ones they really want to be with, and they start getting bored with the jerks. Some realize this sooner, some take longer. I still see women my age (approaching 30) who haven’t figured it out, and it saddens me, but oh well.

Bottom line is this, one day, you will meet a girl who appreciates your sincerity. You will have a long lasting, mature, deep, loving relationship. And the jerks? They’ll either be lonely, or wind up living shallow lives in hollow relationships.

I know this doesn’t help now, but you can at least look forward to the future! Chin up, honey.

@essieness Wilco
Thanks

I’m not so sure they want to be treated like shit as much as they want to be the one who is not treated like shit by a guy who usually treats women like shit. “Tame the bad boy” project. It isn’t going to happen.

Oh, dear, @Shield_of_Achilles. If you’re saying that what we saw of you last night is not you acting normal but you acting drunk, I’d have to say that a bar is not the place for you to meet people.

I want to give a hearty second to the excellent guidance of @sdeutsch. If your first response to a good suggestion is “that’s too hard for me because I’m so shy,” you’re pretty much going to stay where you are. I suggested a writing group because I read your profile. And I know that many shy introverts do like to write and that a lot of girls write poetry. Most of all, a focus on something other than meeting girls is a much better way to meet them than going on the prowl.

@Jeruba That’s why I’ve given up alcohol until I get more restraint over myself. I’ve had anger issues since I was a kid, and they really get bad when I’m drinking. It also made me treat someone I really loved like shit, so yeah. It’s not like I can’t go out without drinking, I just didn’t know what I was drinking. And I’ve known that I’m not a bar go-er for a while, but it was that or stay in and do nothing, plus I promised someone I’d go out and try to have fun.
And I understand all that, it’s something I’m trying to work on. I think it’d just be easier to find something to join, ya know?
And I know how the question is worded, but I’m really just trying to find people to hang out with and to have fun with.
Who knows, maybe I’m just being dumb.

@Shield_of_Achilles You asked a question, so you should be open to any kind of response from anyone. When someone offers to help you in life, you should always accept it with an open mind and be appreciative of what others do for you. Help is very hard to come by these days, and you will find time and again in your life no one will want to help you if you carrry such a negative attitude like you do. I didn’t have to answer your question as nicely as I did. I could have laughed in your face and told you “Shut up and take it like a man you cry baby wimp!” but I am not that kind of a person (and guaranteed there are many out there that probably WOULD love to answer your question like that!). In no part of my answer was I condescending or mean. On the contrary, I felt for you and was giving you what I’ve experienced, so that you won’t make the same mistakes that I did when I was 20. Saying that I’m “not worth listening to” implies to me you are not worthy for others to give you advice. It takes a certain amount of maturity to have an open mind, and at your age you still come off as impulsive and negative, two qualities which will continue to work against you until you learn to be nicer to people.

Read the rest of the thread here. It’ll make things make a lil more sense. I’m not exactly the best at apologies, kinda tried earlier, but I guess it didn’t really make it so, I’m sorry about last night.

eHarmony

edit: Actually I’m going to say your problem is that you hit girls apparently.

@JONESGH They hit me. Rangerr just wants everyone to see me as a bag guy.

@MRSHINYSHOES… “I could have laughed in your face and told you “Shut up and take it like a man you cry baby wimp!” but I am not that kind of a person.” You must be a little bit like that or you would have left it unsaid period.Two wrongs don’t make a right, two rights make a left.

@Silhouette 3 rights*

@Shield_of_Achilles LOL Right you are.:o)

=D

Two do make an airplane though.

@Sarcasm heheheheh

Ain’t nothin wrong with being a bag guy.

@Mike_Hunt It’s not who I am.

Oh look, it’s Mike Hunt! hahah

I can’t believe this old fashioned granny is saying this, but have you tried any online dating sites?

@Silhouette Two wrongs don’t make a right, but it sure hell makes it even. I won’t be re-visiting here. Goodbye. :P

@Silhouette It appears he has cancelled his account.

It used to be rare around here that people walked out and slammed the door. Now it seems to happen at least once a week. I’m wondering why the incidence of drama has shot up so sharply.

I thought that he made an impressive and mature seeming apology before he went.
Even after taking some, needless and excessive admonishment from @MRSHINYSHOES, (Who seemed to be milking the occasion) near the end of this thread.
I, for one, hope that this is not the last that we see of you here. @Shield of Achiles

I’m 20 years old and have the same problem. Except I’m a girl. I like going out, but to a certain extent and I never really connect with anyone when I do- guys or girls. Guys are blatant assholes or sweet talkers and girls just use me as spacefiller or just too concerned about themselves. I don’t think ALL girls that go to bars are just looking for one thing. You could meet someone. Then again I always have a secret hope at least one guy will spark some chemistry..yeah no just ass. Parties and bars are empty and lonely. I feel less alone when I stay home by myself, which pathetically enough is what I end up doing ‘cause those social situations get exhausting. I don’t know where to go to meet anybody (who will actually immerse themself in conversation) Maybe try going to a coffee shop, strike up a conversation? Music store? Lame suggestions I know. Haha.

@onesecondregrets
Please allow me to introduce @Shield_of_Achilles (as was).
Intuition informs me that he might return, under some guise.
Let’s hope that a conversation develops between the two of you.
;-)

@lloydbird He should not have left so soon huh… ;)

Oh don’t you worry. He’s still here, he’s just picked a new name.

@Sarcasm oh

…....“bag guy”.
hahahahaha.
brb.dying.