Why do I get insane crushes on women I meet?

I bid my thoughts to become consumed with thoughts of on the wonderful attributes of my SO. Then I think, “what are the chances of this stranger being as wonderful as him?”

Is it one of us, Kev? Tell! Tell!

We are not monogomous in nature my friend.

It happens. As long as you recognize a crush for what it is and don’t make a fool of yourself, everything is fine.

@susanc, not this time. She’s a sparkling señorita, which is odd for me because I usually don’t go for Hispanic girls.

These women probably have something you admire in them, right? Or maybe it’s purely physical attraction? Either way, a crush is a crush. It can be silly or turn into something, though 9 times out of 10 it’s just a few qualities about them you admire, nothing more.

Starting out noticing the attraction is normal guy stuff. The crush is your fantasy bump working overtime.

If you want to stop the crushes, you need to ruthlessly haul on the reins when you start to go down the fantasy path. Remember your actual encounters with these women not what you imagine.

Remember your main relationship, the sweetest parts.

I think it’s totally normal to have crushes while in a committed relationship, so nothing strange about that. How I handle them, well, honestly it’s never been a problem. I see the crush as kind of an admiration/fantasy thing and that’s it. I try to stay anchored in reality and don’t fool myself into thinking it could or should be anything more. I’m very loyal and faithful when in a relationship and can’t even imagine cheating or exploring something romantic with someone else.

Of course, I’m fairly realistic anyway and I also have been cheated on, so I know how shitty it feels. If I’m dating someone long-term, then I at least love and care about them as a person and I would never want to put them through that. So, basically, it’s honestly pretty easy for me… however, I recognize that it may not be easy for others.

Kev, it is how we were programmed…we as in boys and girls are genetically wired to be attracted to more than just any one other prospective mate in order to propagate and further the human race.

@Cruiser, if only it were a simple matter of answering nature’s call. ;-)

@kevbo Are you maybe projecting? You look at a someone and think how pretty she is, or whatever attribute that catches your eye. Then you remember something less than perfect about your SO and how this girl is probably not that way. So since she didn’t do whatever your SO did to irritate you, you then project all these other good qualities on her. Since you aren’t in a relationship with her, she hasn’t been able to piss you off, so all you know of her is good. You can ascribe to her all the good things and none of the negative. I think that’s how a lot of people mess up their relationships. They think this other person will be so much better, but when the involvement progresses, of course the best behaviour mask falls off and poof!!, the same issues rear their ugly heads. I hope you consider carefully before you do anything rash. I personally think that crushes feel the way they do because they’re not based on reality, so to speak.

You should figure out that permission to play – no open relationship will work until you work those kinks out.. as per the rest of it, it sounds like you just like the high of each new person, it’s deceptive.

It all depends on whether what you are feeling is a crush or just lust. If its more about their personality, and you say you are in a relationship, than it may be the attention they give you is really what crave. So you find yourself going overboard to keep the attention going. Especially if you find they have a quality that in your eyes defines them as being special than the attention is extra flattering to your ego.
However if they seem completely indifferent to you but you still find them to be special in your eyes than it is the thrill of the hunt that may be what motivates you. Best thing to do is look at yourself and see what is missing and figure out what is it that makes their appoval of you satisfying. I find with crushes its usually more about the ego than the person of interest.

I think we all have the urge to connect. The deeper the connection, the better. We want to be known and loved.

I think that making love is one way of cementing a connection. It is when people can be at their most vulnerable and the most relaxed. You have to have a certain level of trust (when there are no power disparities) in order to choose to make love. Sure, some people manage to divorce their emotions from their feelings, but I think that is the wrong path leads nowhere.

So when you get a crush, it’s that feeling that you could really like this person, and you would really like to get to know them to see if that is the case. I think that mad crushes are a way your body urges you to reach out and to make a connection and to make a powerful connection.

I find it interesting that my best friends have all been deeply intimate with me. Not sex all the time, although that is often enough. It seems to me that I have difficulty trusting or feeling truly safe with someone if I have not been very intimate. It’s easier with women, because the norm is heterosexuality. However, I also need that with men, and that is a lot harder for me to find, because it takes a lot for a guy to be willing to let down those barriers in a situation where it’s not about love or sex. So, I have far more women friends than men friends/

I say this because many of my friendships with women start with a crush. Sometimes it moves on to more intimate things, and then, when that is over, I often end up with a real, solid friendship. If someone has seen me at my most vulnerable, and they still like me—even if I have hurt them, then I believe I can trust them.

Having said that, I want to point out that there is an even deeper level than that—a level rarely achieved—at least by me. Sometimes I think our crushes point out to us that something of that order may be possible.

@Trillian nailed it.

This happens to me too. I fall for women in my mind, even if I’ve only met them once or twice. I never act on it though.

@Trillian, GA. In this case, she is (as opposed to probably) quite different in some significant ways. But, yes, I don’t know much about the “real” her.

@Pandora, most definitely it was about the personality (although she is very attractive). What little face time I got wasn’t nearly enough.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir, it is deceptive. My crushes from this past year or so are all in the trash can since meeting this girl. This time, I think there’s an aha moment of wanting her or someone like her. Somewhere along the way, I think I got the idea that girls like her (part of her present allure is rooted in a tomboyish youth) didn’t exist. I don’t immediately recall ever dating someone like that.

@kevbo so it’s something new – is that enough?

Because you put them on a pedestal too quickly and lose perspective. I go out with a girl once. If it’s mutual and there’s a spark another date but if not I don’t pretend. I used to really bend over backwards to try to make something happen but now it’s either there or it’s not. It’s 50/50.

@kevbo it’s normal. Plain and simple. Both sexes are tempted.

If you were to re-word the question to “how do you resist temptation to protect your marriage”

- that’s easy, I remember just how fxxked up my childhood was during my mother’s affair. I think of my children. I think of the pain it would cause my spouse, and the chaos and disruption it would cause in my life.

I have been sorely tempted so bad it hurt.

- this is just one of many sacrifices we make for the relationships that we are in.

I’m presently not of the opinion that if you get away with it, then no one will be hurt.

What if in doing so you fall out of love with your main squeeze? You would be hurt.

I meet a lot of older people in my line of work and they say things like “too hard to train a new one”

There is a spiritual angle on this too that’s important but it gets a bit off topic so I’ll leave it at that.

@kevbo I forgot to mention that “open” relationships puzzle me. The scientist seem to agree on that one too.

Neurotransmitters, neuromodulators and endogenous opioid polypeptides. Enjoy, my friend! A crush will make you feel good.

@kevbo
I’m sorry I missed the LTR- long term relationship thing. But it’s not entirely my fault. Don’t abbreviate in a question if it’s extremely germane to the topic.
P.S.-I miss your conspiracy questions :)