Which is the most polite way to address someone?

I know someone like that too and I think it’s rude that they don’t honor my request. People should be called whatever they ask you to call them.

Some people don’t feel comfortable using first names. It is to informal.

Well Mr. Supacase, I believe it is rude for that individual to continue to use Mr. and Mrs. if someone requests that he discontinue it.

I think it is more polite to respect someone’s wishes than continue to make them uncomfortable being called something they don’t like.

A reason for having good manners is to make people feel respected and comfortable. This guy isn’t doing that.

I would just ask him why he insists on using such formal greetings and I am sure he will have a good answer for you. I am an adult leader in Boy Scouts and the the Scouts are required to address the adults as Mr. Mrs., or Ms. it teaches and shows respect. There are very few other groups or social organizations that I know of are children taught or required to show simple respect for adults with their greetings, with Martial Arts on that comes to mind.

I love how etiquette and respect seem to have absolutely nothing to do with one another.

If someone wishes to refute Mr or Miss or Mrs and be called by their name instead, then it should be done.

You may address me as Miss, Mistress or Ma’am ;)

But, seriously, I think that it’s rude to address a person differently if they specified what they would like to be called..

I generally put Mr. or Miss. at the beginning of someone’s name whom I’m addressing. I prefer formality, as I find it keeps people more at an arms length. Undue familiarity is vulgar and not something I care to deal with for the most part.
I feel like I’m stating this badly. What I mean is that people seem to confuse familiarity with license. Just because a person now knows my name does not entitle them to intrude on my space or speak familiarly to me. I find that formality discourages that. As I get to know people, a bit at a time, I’ll drop some reserve. I allow this to work both ways.

Some people use formality as an artificial barrier when they don’t want to interact with people on any basis other than professional. It doesn’t make it pleasant or even polite, but some people feel the need for that extra “distance”.

I think it is most polite to address someone as they have requested; to respect their wishes. Here is my questions from a long time ago on a similar subject http://www.fluther.com/disc/50443/do-you-teach-your-kids-to-address-adults-with-ms-and/ but I do think that some people think you can never go wrong with being overly formal, kind of the better side to err on, than being not formal enough,

@stranger_in_a_strange_land, for the record; if someone specifically requests that I use their first name, I’m not so lost to manners as to persist in formality.

Ah the simplicity of military life! Just look at the insignia and say “sir” or “ma’am” as appropriate~

@erichw1504 It’s Mrs. Supacase

I don’t think it is rude for someone to persist in using the formal address. Not everyone wants to be your friend, and that could be for several reasons. Some people have personal reasons to keep others at arms length, and that should be respected. On the contrary, I think it is rude to insist someone use the familiar address. It presumes a relationship that may not exist. It takes an agreement on both sides of a relationship for it to be familiar.

@Trillian I would do as you would. I was just positing a guess why some people would insist on not doing it. If their autistic condition was a bit worse that mine, for example. But someone with that condition would be unlikely to be a teacher or coach, at least not at the primary or secondary school level.

A teacher may persist in using the formal address as an example to students. I think that is a good example.

It is just respect and politeness, he has obviously been brought up well. I can see it getting annoying though, if you have asked him not too, but it’s probably like a habit for him to break.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land If you are in NY and call people sir or ma’am we know you are most likely from the south or the military. People in NY generally don’t like it, makes them uncomfortable. For sure they notice that you are not doing as the Romans do while in Rome. Which goes back to, we should address people as they request, which I know you and @Trillian agree is the best way to go. But my point is slightly different. It is one thing to address someone as Ms. Doe, and let them say, “please call me Jane.” But other seemingly formal salutations are out right out of place depending where you are. Ma’am on it’s own or Miss Jane in NY would go over like a lead balloon in NY also.

Most Americans prefer to be called by their first names. (More often than not, I think, by nicknames that are shortened versions of our “formal” first names.) It’s how most of us grew up, partly because of the myth of American egalitarianism, but certainly out of usage, habit and inclination.

Most Europeans (from my limited experience) are not nearly so informal, at least at first, and seldom in a business, scholastic or other semi-formal setting.

So it would be “nice” if the teacher addressed you as you preferred to be addressed, but it’s the teacher’s classroom (at least that is my presumption from this question), so it’s his call. He’s not being rude by sticking to his own inclination and rules. (And he may have many students’ names to recall, and doesn’t want to try to reserve memory for everyone’s preference.)

Smile and accept it. If you insist that he change his ways to accommodate your own idiosyncracy or preference, then you are the one with the rude streak here.

He should call you by your first name if that is what you prefer.Calling you by your full name implies that you did something bad.DID YOU?????lol

@CyanoticWasp so it’s his call And that goes back to my old question about what we teach our kids, to always address adults a certain way, or to let the adult choose how they want to be addressed by the child. Here in the south I find that the parent thinks whatever the parent thinks is the proper way to address the adult is teaching their children proper respect, I think it lack of respect to address someone differently than they prefer. A friend of mine said, “I expect my children to address you as Miss Leslie,” I asked, “what if I told them they can just call me Leslie,” her reply, “I would not let them.” So then I asked, “well, what if I said then please call Mrs. Smith,” and she said, “well then we would think you are uppity.” Come on! I’m from the Norteast, Miss Leslie is never going to sound normal to me, it sounds subservient to my ear. Thank goodness my name isn’t Scarlet. But, I am reasonable enough to understand that that it is a matter of cultural differences. That each person thinks they are doing what is respectful. No real right or wrong in the end.

My eighth-grade English teacher was the first to call me “Miss X—.” He said it was his practice to address students as young ladies and gentlemen because he wanted them to think of themselves that way. He called all his students “Miss” or “Mr.” with last name, and I do think it made us sit up straighter. People should not be afraid to be addressed with dignity.

In a personal relationship, an invitation to first-name address used to follow initial formality. Now we often have no such initial formality. It no longer has the same meaning. I still prefer a younger person (for example, my sons’ friends) to address me respectfully as “Mrs. X—” even though in the workplace I am used to having people the same age use my first name routinely.

A classroom environment is not a social setting or a workplace. The teacher has the right to set the tone and establish certain conventions. I believe that it is up to the teacher to get each student’s name right, but if a teacher wants to preserve a more formal instructional setting by using a proper title for each student (treating all alike), I think the teacher has that right.

At work, I address adults as either ‘Sir’ or ‘Ma’am’ unless I’m feeling like a wiseguy. For children and young adults, I use either “Miss” or “Sir.”

Are these retail customers, @Nullo, or clients, or patients, or coworkers? Context makes a difference.

You know, regarding @Jeruba‘s answer, I agree with starting off with the more formal, and in a school setting addressing the parent as Ms. or Mr. last name in front of the other children makes sense to me. But, @Jeruba would it feel odd to you if the teacher called you, as a parent Miss first name?

@Nullo You are sounding to me like you live in the bible belt? Just a guess.

If I have to address someone, I usually say sir or ma’am. For the most part however I don’t address them specifically, but I’m polite as I can (excuse me, thank you, please). Just because of that reason of I don’t know what they want to be called.

@TehRoflMobile You can just say, “excuse me” the ma’am and sir are unnecessary.

I for the most part, avoid the ma’am and sir but in a real conversation (not just asking a question), I sometimes just let it slip.

I think he is just being respectful and probably wants to address all the parents in the same way so that he doesn’t seem more chummy with some. Be glad respect is being modeled for your child even if it causes some discomfort.

@Jeruba
These are retail customers.

@JLeslie I live on the fringiest part of the Belt (literally, the fuzzy northern border stops about where my house is), but I’m a transplant. I did the bulk of my growing-up in California.

@Nullo In California did they use Sir and Ma’am?

@JLeslie
I don’t really remember. You might ask DominicX; he lives about where I used to.

@Nullo So the sir or ma’am you use is because of where you live now. I am assuming it is customary where you live?

I know for a fact that he is trying to be respectful. He is a very kind person. I don’t actually think he is being rude, it just feels so awkward to have conversations or emails start with Mrs. Doe and then respond with Mr. Smith after knowing each other for a while. (I do call him Mr. because that is obviously what he prefers.)

I don’t really care. I just thought of it after I got his email today and wondered what people would think. He is so nice that it would take a lot more than that for me to even manage a level of annoyance with him.

@CyanoticWasp Assume much? Who said I was forcing him to do anything? Where did I ever say he has a rude streak? Also, this is not an issue of being in his class. I am not in his class and he is not speaking to me in his classroom. We are speaking with each other in the lobby of the building outside of the classroom before or after the actual class.

No, not really. I just happen to like less-than-common modes of address. I like to think that once in a while, it gives somebody something to think about.
I address the younger people that way because I remember that in my youth (all of 5–7 years ago), I enjoyed being called ‘Sir’ or ‘Mr. X.”

@Supacase you mentioned “more polite”, and the flip side of politeness is rudeness. Teachers have a way (I can hardly say that I blame them sometimes) of treating nearly any social situation in and around the school as if it were a school function. Finally, I wasn’t just answering your question, but some of the other comments that had been made.

If they ask you to call them by their first name then you should do it lol. They probably are comfortable enough with you and think the formality creates a wall. I personally think being formal creates this annoying wall. In one of my schools we were allowed to and encouraged to call our teachers by their first names. I felt like she was my friend than a teacher but we still respected her.

Here in NZ people still say Sir and i find it soo annoying and feel inferior when I say it. So i dont, i just say Mr.name or Mrs.name

I’m all for addressing people however they choose to be addressed.

Persistence in referring to someone as Mr. or Mrs/Ms. after they’ve asked to be address less formally transcends politeness and becomes just plain arrogant.

Do you think if people prefer to be addressed formally, and they are speaking to someone who is more or less their same age, that they will be more likely to persist in calling a person Mr. last name, because it would be weird for people on the same “level” (wish I had a better word for that) to call each other with different levels of formality? Does that question make sense?

The scenario you describe, @JLeslie, seems unlikely as people are much less formal than they were in the past. I can only imagine that it would be an elder who preferred to be addressed formally, and I don’t think they’d expect the same level of formality from their “peers”.

I’d say it’s far more polite to address someone by a name they’ve specifically requested.

Actually, @CyanoticWasp, “more polite” indicates that both are polite but one is more polite than the other.

Also, he’s teaching swimming to a preschoolers – I don’t think most comparisons to school teachers are entirely on track, but I am open to the idea that there could be a connection.

As a parent, @JLeslie? I thought the question was about students; it did not mention parents. It said “everyone”—meaning, I thought, the class.

I would expect the teacher to call me “Mrs. X—.” This respectful form of address puts me on an equal footing with him or her. The teacher is customarily addressed by a title plus last name. I’m not going to be Jeruba while she is Mrs. Smith.

In a social situation, going to a first-name basis usually works both ways, but a parent-teacher relationship is not social. I would not expect a classroom teacher to forgo his or her right to be addressed with a title of respect just because I didn’t feel grown-up enough to be called the same way. On the teacher’s turf I think the teacher sets the rules.

If the teacher comes to my house for coffee and dessert, I will invite her to use my first name, and I expect her to have the social grace to say the same thing. So in her classroom, she is Mrs. Smith and I am Mrs. X—. At my house, she is Madeline and I am Jeruba.

@Jeruba Yes, I agree with that. I thought that the complaint was that he continued to call a parent by their last name in the classroom when it was requested he use a first name, and I can see how that would make sense, if the teacher is Mr. Lastname while in the classroom in front of students, basically it would seem more natural to me that all adults are Mr. Lastname in that situation.

@SABOTEUR This is what I was trying to describe. That if one adult is being called by a last name, then it seems logical that all are. And you spoke about someone who is older, but even if someone is 80 years old, it would be weird if they called another 80 year old by a first name while insisting that person call them by their last name.

Agreed

Maybe we need a clarification by the OP:

— Is this about a teacher and students, and if so, students of what age? children? adults?
— Is this about teachers and the parents of students? If so, in what setting? In the classroom during class, in parent-teacher conferences, in a social setting?

Regardless, I still hold that within the classroom, which is the teacher’s domain, the teacher sets the rules and that it is no insult whatsoever to address someone politely and with respect, using a title, and to treat all alike. Likewise, in any extension of the teacher’s professional role, such as in a meeting with parents or a meeting that involves other teachers, the teacher’s rules persist. Outside that formal setting, social rules apply.

I think it is a typically American fault to apply social expectations to every kind of situation and relationship. Confusing business with social affairs is an especially annoying habit, resulting in parties where people try to sell you things and wedding invitations to the nuptials of the boss’s offspring. If a teacher is trying to model behavior appropriate to different situations, I say hurray.

I agree with Stump. You may invite another to address you by your first name; you should not direct him or her to do so. It is awkward if that invitation is rebuffed, but the other person may prefer to keep things formal, especially if the relationship is professional and not personal.

I just started a thread on the same topic. I did a search first but this thread didn’t come up—but then it appeared in the “related” column. Guess I better work on my search-fu.