What signs are there if your S.O is using you? When to know it's time to break up?

I dont know if there are any prescribed, set, signs that prove this, or not. It’s about detecting whether the person is acting out of character. Were they once highly attentive, yet now seemingly uncaring? Have they stopped making plans with you, or do they just go along with what you say rather than venturing their own opinion? It also depends on what they’re using you for, as it could range from sex, to finance etc.
No-one should be in a relationship if their partner is using them, so I have to recommend getting out.

When he/she always demand something from you. When he/she denied when you demand something from him/her after you help him/her. The easy thing to spot is that there’s no mutualism relation between you two. I’ll try to investigate his/her intention first,then if he/she’s just using me I’ll use him/her back in some certain way. I’ll consider to break up when he/she demands so much but contribute nothing in return toward myself.

When you feel used.

When the communication is bad.

I would consider breaking up if my partner was cheating on me. If my partner started living a separate life, but was still living with me.

I think the need to ask this question is reason enough… I would say you know your SO better than anyone, and asking other people honnestly makes it worse. Just take some alone time and think about what his/her actions and what the intensions may have been. Sometimes we don’t realize we’re being used because the other person is “so sweet”, and we don’t see what they’re really trying to get out of us.

Very good question.. I’m not sure how well I can answer this, although I am in a similar position.. Your S.O. is probably using you if – (and these are crafted from my own experience so i apologize if it is not really what you are speaking about) ... You argue all the time, and they always expect you to work on things, and never end up working on things themselves – ie they are being selfish and expect you to do all the work.. If they seem to lose interest in a lot of things except one or two – for example, my ex-ish girlfriend always still wants to have sex all the time, but when we aren’t doing that, we tend to argue a lot, about stupid things – she tends to start arguments over nothing.. and finds silly reasons to break up, and ends up wanting me back two days later when she realizes she wont be able to have sex with me anymore and I actually won’t be there when she has a bad dream, or to sing her to sleep, or make her laugh, or all those things that make us happy together.. as for dr d above – a lot of what s/he says is true – and going a step further with it, if they are demanding, and you ask for something reasonable, and they completely deny your request.. especially if you have already done a lot for them.. they are probably either ready to move on, not ready for a relationship, just completely selfish, or using you, which is really hard to accept, but I believe is the case, at least in my (non)relationship.. It could be immaturity, or any number of things. I suppose the easiest way is just to be direct about it. Ask them directly, say Seriously, what are you looking for in this relationship, I’m not going to be angry with you, I want to know where I stand, and it may make things easier for both of us if we just level it out. Or something to that effect…. As for breaking up – it depends how much you care about the person. That’s completely your decision. All of my friends and family have told me to move on, but I havn’t yet because I’m convinced that she is the one [and yes, I know this sounds cheezy, and i was one of those people who thought this idea silly, before I met her], and I have never felt this strongly about anything in my life. I’ve had my fair share of LTRs, but there is something different about this one, as cheesey as it sounds, I was not a believer in fate before her, but there is just this immense connection there from the moment we met, and it just feels right, feels like we are supposed to get married and have children together. And with anyone else I would not have taken as much as i have from her. So, really, as to when is the right time to break up, that is completely up to you – no one will be able to advise you in matters of the heart.. the heart is illogical, as it is illogical that I would still give her another chance, but I know I still would, because I love her, but it is the last one I’d be able to take.. As for me, I think the correct time to move on is after you’ve tried everything you can to try to preserve the relationship, if that is what you want, and none of it works. After the breakup, if thats what you decide to do, just keep yourself busy. get your mind off things, dont torture yourself by reading old texts or letters, or looking at facebook pictures, in fact it’s probably better, if you do want to successfully break up, to delete, or have someone hide these things from you if you don’t want them to be completely gone. You will defiantly still miss them and that will be hard – which is why i say I would only do it after every other option is exhausted, so that even if you do end up seeing pictures and things and you get hurt, you will always know that you did try everything that you could. And also – if you really feel someone is very good for you – life is a long twisted road. Even if you do break up, you may meet again and it may be better the next time. I hope at least some of this helped.

so…. if your boyfriend does the following;

You be there for him when he falls into bad depression, you’re there when he thinks you will break up with him, but when you are depressed he ignores it.

get’s you to pay for him every time…

get’s you to pay for him and then tells you after he’s spontaniously made plans with his friend but ‘forgot’ to tell you or ‘didn’t’ tell you because he was a bit worried you’d be upset with him for making plans over the plans you made togather.

He ignores you when your upset and crying because he rather take some space and see his friends than be there when you have bi polar depression.

Asks money from you while your crying.

While your crying he just sits there and doesn’t comfort you.

Ask’s you to buy things and talks behind your back to his friends

Doesn’t call you.

Break’s up with you via txt message and two weeks later you try and speak to him only to get a txt message saying ‘I don’t love you, I dont care at all, I’ve moved on. and so should you’

he had it good…. will he regret? or does he just not care at all….

Why aren’t you regretting wasting yourself and your life on this user person?

@odali omg…. i totally agree with you!

@marinelife true…. I’ve moved on and done alot now with my life.. i’m just asking for future references…. i don’t want to fall back into that, and if a guy was doing the same thing and I was 100% sure he was using me i would break up with him before I let him hurt me. or anyone hurt me ever again.

@bean, sounds like you are in almost the same situation I am in.. Yes I am sure he will regret it.. but it sounds like he needs time to mature, you sound like a good person and deserve better than that. I know that won’t really change what you’re feeling because i’ve been told that a lot, and it doesnt change the fact that I keep taking her back. I go through cycles when we break up that I am completely over her and then I go back to missing her – but it’s normal, so if its the decision you want to make, just stick with it. The worst thing that happens is he doesnt come back, and you find someone that appreciates your kindness and wants to be by your side through your problems. I know I was good to her, and by her side through her bipolar, and other issues, and as long as you know you were a good person, that makes the whole process a lot easier. Still not easy at all, but much easier than if you didnt try and you werent a good person to them.

@bean…. He sounds a total cock! I’m sorry you invested your time & emotion into this relationship. It’s tricky to say exactly what was going on, even after the detail you added. Depression does tend to make people deeply insensitive & self-absorbed. So perhaps his behaviour was due to this rather than a conscious effort to use you. Either way though you are best rid of him, especially if you have bi-polar tendencies. You don’t need to be in the role of caregiver!!

@odali yeah, problem is…. i regret not being my self at all, I did get quite upset and physically push him away, probably a lot of times when I couldn’t handle my own problems… I think i hurt him in that aspect…. but for one year, i put up with it and I was calm and not angry, and when i realised he wasn’t giving anything back…. or ignored me it hurt so much…. and you know, he probably tried loving me in his own way. But it really hurt, alot…. especially to be thrown aside like that, it was my first relationship so I felt slutty after wards, I felt like i was just used… but my friend’s told me don’t ever think that…. but overal, Im really glad, cuz I’m myself now, and I was never confrontational, or angry, or upset ever! and i never ever want to go back to that again. He’s probably seeing other girls anyway lol, so I should just forget it and move on, it’s not like guys would really think about it at this age… it just hurt because he just dissapeared where I thought he was going to stick by what he said ‘being friends’ I guess now…. I can see it’s all lies. He hurt me alot, but I do hope it’s for the best and that he’s happy too, because I’m happy being me again, quiet and not upset anymore! haha, and I met some one else now and we kind of togather…. but some small part of me just wants to make things good between me and my ex boyfriend, so we don’t have to be upset with eachother… but he doesn’t want to contact me at all… so i will leave it.

@TheJoker haha yeah, I think because I tried taking care of him so much, trailing around after him I forgot my own needs and then i was too overwhelmed I started demanding more of his time where he probably felt sufficated and needed some space…. but he should of been there for me, instead he turned off his mobile and ignored me…. which just made things worse. I don’t really hope for him to regret anything… i just thought I was more important then being ignored so easily and thrown aside. :P but on a positive note I’m soft, quiet and not depressed me again!

@bean .. well, allll of this sounds all far far too familiar.. it is good that you are kind of with someone else now that will help you get over him… however…. do whatever you like, but it might be wise to not to get heavily involved with someone that quickly after this intense a relationship, as you may not be able to give your whole heart to them and that would cause a lot of problems. just take things slow..

@bean I think you just listed the signs. I agree with @TheJoker, he’s a cock, unfortunately you’ll find a lot like that, but you’ll learn each time.

@odali yeah…. we are taking things really slow, and he really helps and is a good friend too…. but its been months…. it’s not like my ex boyfriend hasn’t met any one new either…. he probably had people coming on to him the day they found out he was single LOL but things are ok….. hope he’s happy lol, and i just got to learn from this and be stronger in some ways, and more compromising in others :D

@Dibley true, learning is definitley the key word

i guess best thing is to think no regrets! and have fun, and focus on other things! i’m definitley happy and no point in regretting, i dont regret… he broke up with me… so it doesnt matter… neither of us could give each other what we needed or wanted… it wasnt the right time…. time to move on.

@bean Learning isn’t fun though.

but how can you get rid of the hurt….. because first few weeks just flat out pain…. :S something I don’t want to do ever again. and it still hurts…. or empty sometimes…. and I sometimes it will come into my mind and I try and forget it…. what are some good ways of really ridding it from thought…?

@bean that’s good.. and yes, my ex girlfriend and i have broken up about a week ago, and i have had 3 girls come to me and want to have sex, but i could not bring myself to do it, even though I am about 98% sure we are not getting back together. I don’t know if he has someone else now, but im sure he isnt treating them any better, if he does, so screw em. to put it bluntly.. haha sorry.. and there is another girl who helped me though this and is much more stable (she wont leave every month, or start arguments for no reason) and on a better path, more intelligent, kinder, i don’t really want to say this to be cruel, just an overall better person.. still doesn’t change my heart right now though.. which is why there is nothing happening between us yet, because we both know that I won’t be able to give her my full heart yet…

@Dibley – full agreement to both comments, learning, in this aspect, is certainly not fun.

@bean I don’t know, I only know how the bad way to do it. I wasted a lot of years, but I gained experience. I think it always hurts, some more than others depending on how you felt about them.

@bean i don’t think there is any sure-fire way to stop the hurt completely, it will fade in time, but just keep busy, go out with friends, work a lot, if you are still in school/college focus on that too, if you like music, go to concerts, or acting, go to shows, do whatever makes you happy! edit: and whatever you do, don’t start reading old notes, letters, texts, phone messages, pictures, facebook, myspace, or anything like that.. that only makes it hurt much, much more. and if it’s facebook or myspace, you may inadvertently see a picture you don’t want to such as them kissing someone else.

@odali But if you didn’t treat your girlfriend the way my boyfriend treated me obviously something more problematic….. if my boyfriend actually just once, came over to just hug me while i was crying I would of just thought ‘omg…. he actually loves me… you made me feel special I would totally leave you alone now because that’s one aspect completely taken care of’ but he ignored me…. and the feeling made me sick…. and worse…. on top of other things… I’ve completely filled up my time though, I got accepted over seas to study a short course, when I go back home I’ll be doing university and the course I’ve always wanted to get into, i’m been offered an apprentaship job from a friend to work for international media…. I was so trilled, but I have to wait till after university haha. plus I got back into singing and i got to record some thing and my friend’s are sending me demos, its heaps of fun, It’s stupid though….. I really loved him, hoped things would work out…. and I still love him, that will never change…. but I dont want to love him anymore… because it hurts and it’s stupid. and it’s rediculous, a small part of me is hoping he’ll still be in my life….

@bean Boys are not good at the whole emotional thing. If I cry, I go upstairs (why? because I want him to follow me) he doesn’t come up. If I want a cuddle I go to him and then I get one. How did your relationship end?

@Dibley not good…. he sent me a txt message and dissappeared…. and then two weeks later I was overwhelmed by the thought of him seeing some one else, so i txt him and try and call him…. doesn’t work he sends me a message saying he doesn’t love me and doesn’t care….

You sound like you’ve been through alot of pain…. and i feel sorry for that, because it’s just incredibly hurtful and a yuck feeling… I think i just need to be a stronger person from now on, and not let any one push me around….

Plus i would say to him over the phone ‘could you come and hug’ :( he doesn’t…. but hugs i get from my wonderful friends who really helped me through the break up
but having bipolar depression and adjustment disorder with mood depression is incredibly painful…. especially when you feel used… i’m glad i’m out of the depression

@Dibley i dunno, I don’t think all guys are good at it, some are though. There were times when I’d be talking to the ex girlfriend on the phone, and i could tell she was upset, and I would just go over to comfort her, i’ve been there through her mental problems, and never got upset about, no matter what she said when she was like that, it even though she thought I would, and family problems, etc. There was even a time or two I didnt have a car, and I walked the 5ish miles (at the time) to her house, just so I could hold her. Will all guys do that? no, probably not. Does it mean they love you any less if they don’t? Well, im not sure about that, it depends on the person. Some people just like to be left alone when theyre feeling crappy, so that could be a reason why some guys don’t come around when youre feeling crappy..

@bean it will hurt for a long time, especially if you really love(d) him.. there is no avoiding that… I suppose the only way to shorten it is to not take him back anymore, so you can continue to move on.. and the fact that he didnt do those things for you, even though it hurts now, in time will make you realize you made the right decision in leaving him, and will actually make it easier when you think of all the bad stuff he’s done to you.

@odali lol your absolutely right about the facebook and messages thing…. definitley killed me to read or see anything

@odali thanks so much, your advice really does help, and dibley too!
@TheJoker and definitley maybe felt a little bit of satisfaction when you said he was a cock :P

@bean Then he is a coward. I have been through a lot, and I dealt with it badly. What I also did for 7 years, was only date men I wasn’t attracted to because I knew I wouldn’t fall in love with them. It worked. (though I don’t recommend it, because it’s lonely) Then I met my s/o.

@odali yeah…. if my boyfriend did what you did for your girlfriend I wouldn’t be here right now asking for advice…. oh well

@Dibley im really glad you found your s/o! and you sound like you’ve been through so much crap, and been with some stupid guys who didn’t treat you right, no one deserves crap like that.

my ex wouldn’t even take the tram to come and see me in the city to talk…. but with his friends it was no problem. he lived like 10 minutes away after I moved out…. and only had to take one tram for 20 minutes to my old house… but it was just soo difficult for him.

@bean well, don’t get discouraged. there are guys like that out there, im living proof of it, haha. I hope this new guy treats you well and, if he does, please appreciate him for doing so, i think that’s one of the main things that perturbs me so much about this girl is that I really did help her through a lot, and she appreciates none of it. I don’t do it for reciprocation, or appreciation. But, it kills me that someone could ‘love’ someone, and not appreciate the sacrifices and care that said person gives them. I’m not even sure that its even her as a person that bothers me anymore, but what she has done, and that someone is actually capable of that… i feel almost the same about your situation, it is terrible that someone can do such things.

@bean and, I am glad at least some of what I have said has helped =)

@bean You have a new boyfriend?

@bean…. Hehehe, I just call it the way I see it :)

@odali of course, your advice has really said some good points and you’ve been in a similiar situation so we can almost relate and understand things better… but yeah, did you ever ignore her, turn off your phone while she just wanted you to come and hug? did you never make the effort to not see her… and while she was depressed you didn’t leech off of her, ask her to buy things and bitch behind her back.
He was patient when I got upset…. but if I yelled at him or couple of times I said i dont want to be with you, i hate you… every time, straight away I knew i was in the wrong and I apologised. But he never bought me anything, do something like come over at least, he only lived 10 minutes away…. I think he did use me even during the first year we were togather I was incredibly patient, never ever angry and let the constant lies and excuses slide, and he was the same when I was patient and not depressed and I took it.

@Dibley yeah, I kind of have a new boyfriend… and I’m definitley appreciating him alot, and he doesnt ignore me, he speaks to me over msn, he sends me a txt every few days while i’m away…. I’m loving it! but at the moment i’m still just letting go of the ex boyfriend…. but he knows at the moment i’m scared, but he says to me we take it at what ever speed I want and i don’t have to even start anything yet, he said he’d wait…. he’s so sweet…. problem is…. he grew up with my ex boyfriend…. but they see eachother once every few months, but they consider eachother best friends…. but this new guy thinks if my ex is over me he would like to see where things go with me because he likes me, and he’s been my friend for a long time, and he recently told me how he felt. so we are taking things mega slow.

@TheJoker I have the urge to say; good call :)

@bean So will your ex still be in your life? Why did you change your picture? Your a pretty girl.

@Dibley I think thats up to my ex boyfriend…. at the moment he’s just dissapeard and my roommate/bestfriend lent him her guitar…. she keeps asking for it back he never brings it… and while i’m away when I first came overseas my exboyfriend suddenly txt messaged me and I was polite and nice and we just kind of caught up, and see how each other was doing. he made some really out there jokes…. i don’t know wether to take that as flirting… and he still wont bring her guitar back while i’m away…. but we think he might be waiting till i get back because I mentioned to him i still had some of his things and he said yeah no problem, we will exachange when I get back…. but he says alot of things so I don’t believe him… but i’m not sure.
haha, thank you, but I love the blue jelly fish icon haha…. you really think my icon is better? :P

@bean yeah, my ex did that to me as well.. telling me she hates me, that she doesnt love me, she doesnt want a relationship with me, that she cheated on me, anything to get me to hate her, but I knew what she was going through, and I knew nothing she said was true, so i just reacted calmly saying.. I know you love me, and you didn’t do any of those things, you don’t mean what you’re saying and you’re not yourself right now. You’ll be fine in an hour or two, maybe tomorrow, maybe a couple days, but you’ll be fine. It wasn’t hard, because I was so confident in what we had.. she apologized and was embarrassed the first couple times it happened after she leveled out, and i told her she has nothing to apologize for, its not her fault that she gets like that sometimes, and we can get through it together. If you want to get help for it, we can do it together, or you can go alone, or if you don’t want to, although i think you should because not everyone can be so understanding and i dont want you to hurt people, ill stand by your side no matter what.. if your ex cant understand how you get sometimes, it probably isnt a good match anyway..

@Yes I do. I don’t mean to sound funny or a bitch but I don’t think your ready to have another boyfriend just yet. Your clearly still holding out for your ex who I happen to think is just stringing you along for his own benefit, or just because he can..

I think you know it is time to break up when the relationship is ‘one way traffic’, ie one partner is doing all the giving, and the other is doing all the taking.
Get out quick I say… it will never work.

@odali it’s hard, but I would never go as far to say I cheated, i have strict morals about cheating and saying it to some one is something i couldn’t do. and when I realized what i said (which is the same night) i apologise straight away. But the biggest problem was me physically pushing him away… because some part of me was saying he didn’t come in the first place…. he turned off his phone and it hurt so deep, and another part was trying to forgive him….. Even when I over heard him bitching about me to his brother while I was over for the night I cried so hard, he apologised…. but I couldnt break up with him because I loved him. things like that just made things worse…. and sometimes I don’t think I helped…. he told me I should be more compromising.

@Dibley true… but he’s gone… my ex is a lost cause… that’s what i’m trying to get myself to believe… it’d done, and when some one does that to me, I wont be going back to them.

@partyparty your totally right, its over.. it wont work

@bean I have strict morals about that, too. But she does get very bad and you can tell that she is manic almost immediately, and it really is not like her at all. different speech pattern, very antsy (pacing a lot, etc,), dilated pupils, elevated voice.. etc, she is not just faking it, she actually is not herself at that point, which is one of the major reasons i was able to deal with it.. and yes, it is defiantly a one way street if he is demanding that you need to be more compromising when you seem very compromising as it is. Same thing with my ex, she has recently been putting ridiculous delimiters on reforming the relationship, most of the times things she tells me that I need to do, but they are really things that she needs to do, such as, that we need to stop breaking up… whereas she is always the one who breaks up with me and comes back a few hours later, or two days later.. I believe they are doing the same thing, which is projecting themselves and own shortcomings onto others..

@Dibley I agree.. unfortunately.. I don’t intend to sound mean, but if you still have feelings for your ex, it probably isnt time for another relationship.. maybe a close friendship..

@partyparty agreed.. easier said than done, unfortunately though.. a lot of people make the appearance of trying when they actually are not..

@bean…. I entirely agree with Dibley here, it’s way to soon to be thinking about a relationship of anysort, & that includes with your ex. You need to sort this ‘stuff & guitar’ thing out asap, then get some space. If he keeps contacting you & you keep responding you’ll never get rid of the feelings you have in full. Then all it takes is a moment of weakness…. & you’ve made a mistake you’ll regret. Alot of men do this deliberately as it’s alot easier getting an ex to sleep with you than it is a totally new person.

@odali yeah, we actually agreed on a really close relationship as friends, just to make things easier, cuz we both don’t need a relationship at the moment but he said he really wants a girlfriend and he wants me. Just being wanted like that is so wonderful, and the way he treats me…. i’m so happy… yeah, being depressed is very difficult, but at the same time you WERE being compromising and giving her support…. it just didnt work out, but for me…. welcome to a whole lot of pain, giving, giving and giving, not get anything back and back stabbing while going through depression…. but I hope your ex girlfriend is ok and getting out of her depression, she definitley needs some help, and i hope later on she is better. But if my boyfriend helped me and stopped what he did, things would of been completely different. but yeah, the breaking up is definitley something that you both just wanted to stop. With me, once i said it something hit me and I have to apologise later on, no one wants to be that way, it is very dificult, but i think in the long run just seperating is the best you can do, for eachother. Because I don’t think a relationship can help once your in that state. especially if you don’t get ANY support, but you did the best you could do…. maybe, i think my ex boyfriend tried. but he used me. thats one thing i’m sure of now.

@bean well, just keep moving on, don’t do what I just did. I just texted her about 10 mins ago saying have fun in (said state) tomorrow, because we were planning on going there, tomorrow. no response. Oh well, she’s an idiot, just like your ex, giving up something very good that they both had. Maybe they should get together. Hahaha

edit: also, it is definatley a good feeling to be wanted, even if nothing comes out of it, to help you get over things.

@odali good on you though for txting her!!!! I think it’s a good gesture…. lol i’m absolutely jealous, she’s definitley lucky your there for her…. or was there for her. hahaha, but txting my ex boyfriend or anything like that i’m scared to do, I cant do that anymore, even when he started coming back on msn I didnt initiciate any convosation. He hasn’t either. But he has a very big ego…. I think he’s waiting for me to initiciate something…. but the balls in his court…. nothing for me to do. But if he contacts me I’ll be nice, but the relationship is gone. once some one does that to me… its over

I can clearly see you were THERE for her, and she was very lucky :) also just understand your in a better position because she’s going through something really hard, but you did your best and you did well trying to help her

@bean…. by responding you’re opening yourself up to more potential hurt. Ask yourself, does your life really need another friend? Especially when he may well have an agenda.

@bean thanks for the luck, and yeah i thought it was a good gesture. She won’t respond if she hasn’t already, she always has her phone with her and responds instantly, if she is going to respond at all.. and I agree with Joker, at least for now don’t try to be friends.. I’m friends with some of my exes, but only after a long time, I just recently started talking to an ex of 2 years, been broken up for maybe a year and a half, 2 years.. and we are starting to become friends again, and last year I lived with one of my ex girlfriends from when I was 14, and we were completely fine with eachother… roommate situation didnt work out too well, but we are friends nonetheless… but it takes time.

@TheJoker and @odali true…. but making friends with my ex, i wont do that… I dont know… i’m so confused… but maybe I still need more time away…. and no contact, I havent contacted him, I think i’ve done pretty well compared with what i thought would happen…. I did really well, haven’t hasseled him, or spoken to him….. i’ve left it. and I’ll keep leaving it.

@bean… you should feel proud of yourself girl. I know it’s not easy when every cell in your body is screaming out to know how the other person is, what they’re thinking, feeling. However, you’ve got to be kind to yourself in the longrun, & stay strong. The pain does fade, even when it’s the real thing, & at some point you’ll suprise yourself by going a whole day without thinking about the other person.

@TheJoker Full agreement.

@TheJoker lol, thanks, what you said made me feel better and I can’t wait till that day where he’s completely out of my mind!
I like the idea of just having this new guy as a really really good friend, we’ve decided we can both rely on eachother, be there for eachother, go to eachother for comfort and when we just need some one to come over any time to be a shoulder to lean and just talk we’ve promised to be that person and to support eachother.

I love this guy too… he told me he loved me a couple of times while i’m away studying… I haven’t said I loved yet him but I said I do feel like I love and care for him alot as a friend, and my feelings are growing. He’s really different, and I can see he really does like me…. but we’ve decided at this age and during this year, we can be really close and there for one another. It was his idea, and I love it because it’s how I feel. But he really really wants a girlfriend but said he really just wants things to be perfect between us.

he also said whenever I need to talk, I just call him up and he’ll drive over and take me for a drive to relax or any where I’d like…. he’s really sweet and I like how he treats me :)

@bean =) sounds like youve got a keeper there! just try to take it slow so ya dont hurt him!

@bean…. that sounds really sweet. & the fact that he’s happy for you guys to take your time, just be friends & see what may happen is a good sign…. I hate to be, well, me, & I’m sure I’m wrong & I know I have a suspicious mind, just be sure he’s not angling you towards being a FWB, you’re far to nice to have to settle for anything…. right I’m signing off for now, night everyone :)

thanks all for your advice! :D really really helped! and I feel way better! haha, when he was telling me about the friend idea, I kept asking so what about cheating where does that fit in D: and he was like nono! i meant being there for eachother, and taking things slow and just building a friendship first haha, so I’m glad he’s really sweet :)

@TheJoker thanks :)
@odali yeah, good idea! :D

Fact from Fiction, truth from diction. Clear signs or supple signs. Either way it comes down to how you feel. No matter what you should feel comfortable, the relationship should be comfortable like wearing an old shoe. The “in your face” actions and traits are quite easy:
• Cheating, having someone one else.
• Stealing, taking your stuff with out asking, shows a high mark of disrespect.
• Violence, he punches, kicks or strikes you in some way.
• Insults, calling you less than flatting names or demeaning your intelligence.
• Controlling, you have to ask to do anything or risk a fight.
• Lying, he won’t or can’t tell you the truth, where he was at, why he was late, etc.

ANY one off that list should be sayronara. There is no way you can ever feel comfortable in a relationship with that type of toxic ooze floating on the surface.

There are supple actions that tell you that you are on just as slippery a slope:
• Apathy, hardly knows you are in the same room with you. Avoids conversation or anything where he might have to engage you other than boinking.
• Selfish, where he would gladly let you have the last piece of pizza etc. he now don’t care. In the bedroom as soon as he gets his he bolts from the bed. He insist on going Dutch where he would have paid before etc.
• By Convenience, he wants to see you on his terms for his benefit. He will make plans to do things when it is advantageous to him or he thinks it will get you in a better mood for sex.
• Uncaring, something goes wrong with your car, computer, exercise bike etc we won’t even take time to look, if he does manage to look and could repair it he won’t and if it is not his he won’t care to touch it.
• Argumentative, no matter what you say or how you say it you are wrong, the comment was stupid etc. You can’t have a conversation with out it heading to a fight.
• Two-faced, they say all sorts of lovely things in front of you but you keep hearing rumors of all the nasty things he say when you are not around.
• Secretive, you catch him sneaking around, the places he goes, who he sees, what is on his computer, he seems terrified or even defensive if you know any of his business

But basically if what is going on you feel he is getting more out of the relationship while not caring or putting in minimal effort or you being there is more task oriented and not someone he really wants there……time to leave and don’t look back.

This is not totally off topic, but it comes to mind. I once looked up features predictive of marital infidelity

The study showed many couples followed longitudinally – of what i recall.

1) narcissism
2) lack of compassion for the spouse
3) hostility
4) a jealous spouse

Now here’s my secret weapon I will share for free..

If your spouse is hostile, shows no compassion, and narcissistic, how is that going to make you feel? If you are suspicious, you are jealous, how is that going to make you feel?

I was once told by a colleague regarding patients: “If you think someone is lying to you, you’re probably right”

The key is not what “might” be happening, but what you definitely are feeling, and how they behave.

If your spouse is selfish, narcissistic, and has no compassion for you call em on it. If they refuse to go to marriage counseling – divorce.

Don’t even waste your energy wondering if someone made the same mistake as you dating your worthless spouse.

What is or is not happening – is impossible to correct without a private investigator. Trust your eyes and your feelings. Call em on it.

@odali Was that meant for me?

@Dibley Eh? was what meant for you? sorry..

@odali This @Dibley I agree.. unfortunately.. I don’t intend to sound mean, but if you still have feelings for your ex, it probably isnt time for another relationship.. maybe a close friendship..

@Dibley Oh! no not for you, personally, I was just responding to your comment; it was directed at bean but a response (in the affirmative) to your comment.. sorry for the confusion

@odali That’s ok, just a little confusing.

@Dibley yeah, after re-reading it I realized it was kind of confusing, sorry about that.

They say how much you spoil them but they really don’t the same for you.

They frequently ask you for money.

They say yes to just about anything you suggest but rarely follow through.

To your face they’re all smiles but out of sight then you’re out of mind.

They’re all for being with you for all the good times but if you get down then they suddenly feel repressed, stiffled, pressured and “need space”.