Why is it that concern is so often interpreted as jealousy? Are you guilty of this?

Because unasked for advice is always suspicious. Don’t give it. If they want your opinion, they will ask. Otherwise, keep you mouth buttoned up.

I see the reverse far more often. That is, I see jealousy masked as concern.

What is an example? What you describe sounds normal caring.

@faye For example, if girl A says to girl B, “I’m kind of worried about your boyfriend. He seems really smothering and overprotective, he never lets you come out with us and he demands a lot of your time. Your grades are suffering. He seems really emotionally unstable and I’m not sure it’s healthy for you to be with him.” Girl B might react with, “Whatever, I know you’re just jealous because you’re attracted to him” or “You just don’t want me to be happy! You try to sabotage all my relationships!” instead of, “maybe you’re right, thanks for sharing that, I should think about this.” or at least coming up with a decent logical defense as to why girl A is wrong…

@wundayatta In a situation like the one above, would it really be wise for a close friend to “keep her mouth buttoned up?” A good friend wouldn’t let something like that happen to someone she cared about, sitting by idly and watching her suffer.

I am never jealous. I am insightful.

I think it’s good to let your friends know you’re concerned. But if I’d been offered the barrage of “concern” you’ve written here, I’d feel attacked. Maybe better to say less, e.g.
“I don’t see you as much as I used to, and I hate that. I guess I’m a little bit jealous. Would you be willing to talk this over?”

@le_inferno Yes, I’m afraid that’s exactly the kind of situation I was thinking of. Some things have to be seen by the person themselves. By offering that advice, you actually have the opposite effect you want. You drive her towards the guy, and away from you.

Maybe some day it’ll be “I told you so” time, but that’s sour pickings.

Girl B believes she want the best for Girl A, but that’s not the way to do it. A good friend would draw out Girl A on her feelings. How do you feel about him spending so much time with you? Are you concerned about your grades? Etc.

Ask questions and listen. Don’t tell. Everyone hates to be told something like that, even if they think it themselves. Let her figure it out. It’s the most effective way for it to happen.

Unless someone’s life is in danger, the best approach is almost always to wait for others to come to you for advice. When we offer unsolicited advice to others, we not only have no idea what their reaction is going to be, we often have no idea what our own motives are. Best to wait to be asked for counsel than to offer it unsolicited.

@le_inferno, in your example it does sound like jealousy. You should be expressing concern about your friend, not about her boyfriend. And you’re choosing to describe his behavior in negative terms.

How about “I miss you! hardly ever see you any more, and I feel like when I’m hanging out with you and Jim, he’s not comfortable with me talking to you. Can we plan a shopping trip or go to lunch? I’d like us to get caught up, just the two of us. Oh, Jim doesn’t like for you to do anything without him? Is that hard for you to get used to?”

If concern is perceived as jealousy… there is typically a reason why jealousy is a concern… There may be more at stake with the concerned than has been realized. I once had a College Professor ask the class: What is the difference between jealousy and envy?” No responses… He answered by stating: ” Envy is wanting what you do not have… and jealosly is wanting something you already have!” I found that infantly profound. And it holds true to what I stated earlier. Makes little sense to most, I am sure… but it makes sense to me. The person feeling jealousy alreadys feels they have “skin in the game”...