We have a great connection, but he says he's not over his ex. Was it real? Is there even a chance or possibility?

I am so sorry.
It sounds like you two are done.

Was it real? I’m sure his attraction to you was real and the good times he felt while with you were real also but more than that, it sounds like the typical scenario of having a plan A, B and so on. His ex has probably always been his plan A and you and anyone coming along has been plan B for him to enjoy life with while he tackles the issue of how badly he believes he can have plan A.

Is there even a chance or possibility? We don’t all meet each other at the best times in our lives and we’re not always single in mind and in body. Tell him you have enjoyed his company and would like to be together with him but you also realize you are the plan B and it’s up to him to decide which he really wants to pursue, which he believes will be best for him. By him saying he wants to be just friends, he’s pretty much told you it’s her he’s choosing but you should still have your say and let him think on it. Some people get smart and stop beating a dead horse and some don’t but there’s no need for you to join him in that behavior when other available guys deserve a chance to make you their #1.

I don’t know if I’d want to make him think that I were still an option. But I have issues, so….
Plan A and plan B sounds like pretty much what went down here, which says something about his character. Or lack thereof. You may need to have some say, just for closure on your part. You say you want to know if it was real. I don’t know. Maybe he wanted it to be, and maybe he told himself it was, maybe he didn’t. What I do know is that he seems to have been marking time, trying to get back with this other woman. In complete disregard for your feelings, or any foundation he was laying with you, he’s turned his back on something he could have had and is reaching for something that is probably going to slip through his fingers like smoke again.
I hope you’re ok. Keep in touch with us, ok?

It sounds like he really liked you but that his feelings for his ex overrode his feelings for you. Some people have a hard time moving on from old relationships and he sounds like he wants his relationship with his ex back. Even though you two had a great time, I think you will be better off to move on, as hard as that is going to be. He will never commit to you as long as he is in contact with his ex.

He’s not over his ex and until he is, or is back with her you’ll never have clarity. I would back off and protect your heart.

He sounds like he’s been very upfront with you all along. Ten years is a long time to have invested in a person, and he is not ready to give that up. From what you said, it sounds like he tried really hard to make it real, but it’s really difficult dating any one person seriously until you are over your ex.

Being in a triangle is very difficult, and it not working out has nothing to do with you as a person. You are simply just not the other person.

There is no chance or possibility of it working out.

Thank you for your responses so far. I know that it’s not conventional for me to say I’m going to wait, and I’m not necessarily sitting here pining away for him but I don’t want to close off the possibility that things could work out (in the future) should he finally sort himself out. I am going to do my best to be happy and live my life regardless because otherwise I will continue to be miserable beating myself up about the failed relationship. The hardest part of all this is that it really makes me come down hard on myself and think there is something wrong with me. It makes me feel worthless and compare myself to the ex even though there really can be no comparison. I don’t believe that there is “no chance” because anything is possible. Call me a completely hopeless romantic if you will…

Anyway, I should have gotten up the courage sooner, when he told me he still pays for his ex’s sister’s cell phone bill which she continues to rack up over $100 every month since her own sibling (ncluding the ex) refuse to help her any longer, and that she (the sister) wanted to live at his house because her family was fed up with her and that he actually considered it. But I didn’t give up on it at that point because we had and could have something great – if he ever gets over the ex. Why is she still keeping him around? Why don’t they just get back together?

I feel so sorry for you. Someone going back with their ex causes you to question your whole relationship. Even the good memories that normally stick with you after the break up shock probably seem tainted because it’s hard to know how important you ever were to that person. I’m sure that he has no idea how you feel and might not even understand. A person in the situation never really thinks about your feelings. I think he did a real disservice to you by getting serious while he still had feelings for someone else. But then again, some people feel they need explore in order to know what they want. They key is to try not to get in the way of those people.

Think about the situation as it were a movie. If the movie were about him and his ex, what kind of character in that story would you be? Would you even want to be in that movie? Now there’s another movie where you are the main character. What kind of movie is that?

Not giving you space for your own relationship isn’t being a very good friend. In my experience not a lot of overly confused people ever “sort themselves” out. I know it’s hard but be happy that you know what you want when your with someone. It sounds like while your situation hurts more, you’re a whole lot more emotionally functional. Who knows he might be pining away for someone who will never love him. Both he and his ex might be totally confused about what they want and stuck in some turbulent horrible cycle. Or they could get together and someday you might all be friends (once he apologizes for misleading you). I would suggest that you devote your energies to someone who will appreciate the love that you give them- clearly it hasn’t been enough so far. Try to remember that there aren’t really winners and losers here- though that’s tough to say and tougher to handle.

Why is she still keeping him around?
Paradoxically or maybe not it can be equally as hard ending a relationship as it can to be the one left behind. Sometimes we know that something needs to happen but it is still emotionally hard to cut the strings. I have been in such a position myself and ended a 6½ year relationship that would have just gone on and on forever it seemed but was not what I ultimately wanted from a long-term committed relationship. We humans are a strange bunch.

@hurtntired I’m sorry people have been mean to you here, I hope your situation works out and that you can be happy. If it is meant to be then it will be.

@hurtntired
Anyway, I should have gotten up the courage sooner, when he told me he still pays for his ex’s sister’s cell phone bill which she continues to rack up over $100 every month since her own sibling (ncluding the ex) refuse to help her any longer, and that she (the sister) wanted to live at his house because her family was fed up with her and that he actually considered it. Why is she still keeping him around? Why don’t they just get back together?

This is an interesting development there. He’s paying for his ex sister’s phone bill…hmmm I would question if there were other monetary ties to the ex and her family. Could be the reason why she is keeping him on the line. There are some distinct possibilities
1. He could be seriously codependent with her and she takes advantage of this.
2. The money has nothing to do with the sister but the ex herself.
3. He is not being completely forthright with you
4. He is being naive and is being used imagining he will get back in her graces
I am guessing that he is just being used by her and if he has been paying for all this time that explains why she is just stringing him along.

@Dibley “I’m sorry people have been mean to you here…” I just re-read all the answers and cannot find any comment that could be even loosely described as mean. I think people have been honest and straight and perhaps you define that as mean but I certainly did not read any meanness behind the words.

@hurtntired I hope you have a little more clarity about your situation today.

@Dibley, thanks for your concern…I didn’t really take anyone’s comments as mean. I do appreciate the responses that are thoughtful and really try to answer my question.

Today is about the same as yesterday, minus the nonstop crying. I can’t help it, I’m just an emotional person. I feel like a pit is just sitting in my stomach and heart.

@Adagio, did you finally cut off the ties to your relationship after not cutting the strings at first? How long did it take you, and what was it that kept you attached? Just curious…

And to his credit, he has been honest with me for the most part up front. It was just hard to “walk away” (figuratively) sooner because we do have such a great connection and he admits it as well. So I’m not giving up entirely. Like I said, I’m not trying to sit here pining away forever, but I’m not closing the door. I’ve met and dated enough people to know that it’s not often you meet a person with whom you click and have a connection with. Timing is just bad….bad…bad. And on my own end, I do need to do some healing unrelated to my relationship with him (prior relationships) in any case, so it’s best that we don’t date right now…

@Dibley I, too, reread all the answers here and I thought everyone was very nice. I didn’t see one mean comment. Is it because no one said they thought this was a relationship worth pursuing? If so, they were being honest.

@hurtntired Yes I did, went cold turkey, no contact, period, it was the only way. In retrospect I can see it was best for both of us, neither of us was getting what we really wanted from a relationship. It took 6½ years to get to the place where I could cut the strings, that was almost 14 years ago and I have no regrets whatsoever about my decision. Any regret faded after about 6 months, in case you are wondering. “What was it that kept you attached?” Without wanting to sound flippant, the answer to that question, pure and simple, is great sex, and habit.

And you’re all clueless because the money is an issue. A man does not give money if there’s not a strong connection

Or he wants there to be a strong connection.

zactly

@Adagio, it took 6½ years after you broke up? Well…I know for a fact that he’s not having sex with her because for one, he was with me for almost a year the past year, two, I trust him in that respect, and three, she has a boyfriend…and I was with him so much there wasn’t a time where they could have really had sex if they wanted to.

@SeventhSense, I’m confused about your last response…I do think the money is an issue and I think it’s ridiculous that he’s still paying for it but it’s an obvious indicator that he is still attached for who knows what reason. (Not arguing, just don’t understand the meaning of your last comment, “you’re all clueless”?)

I was just being a nudge. i need constant recognition for my narcissistic supply..:)

@hurtntired No, we were in a relationship for 6½ years, then I ended the relationship, but it had taken a lot of thinking prior to that point. No contact, cutting the ties, was the way I chose to achieve the outcome I needed, the outcome that had been inevitable, from the very beginning, I came to understand later. The decision to break away came about after a lot of soul-searching and talking with a couple of very close friends.

@hurtntired I hope things eventually get better for you. Have you ever spoken to his ex? Did she leave him alone before you were on the scene?

@chyna No! It is because no one seem to take her feelings into account, maybe everyone was right, but she is hurting, she didn’t need to read all that.

@Dibley, I haven’t spoken to his ex aside from one “run-in” where she just stopped by his house (which she never usually does) to show him their dog’s costume for Halloween and I happened to be there. She was extremely rude to me. Didn’t say hi, just said “Awkward! Good thing I didn’t use my key to get in!” and proceeded to talk to him about his mom.

I think that before I was with him, she didn’t talk to him nearly as much. But she even had the nerve to tell him that she thinks he can “do better”. She doesn’t even know me.

Woke up today with everything hurting. :(

@hurtntired I’m so sorry about that. She sounds so much like my boyfriends ex, she thinks I’m not good enough, and tries to get him to go out with anyone but me. There are names for people like her, I really hope he wakes up to her and leaves her alone. Men can be so blind.

Well, the ridiculous thing is she knows nothing about me and for her to make that judgment is wrong. She doesn’t know how I interact with him, or what he likes about me. Only that I used to date one of his friends VERY BRIEFLY before (a whole other issue) and that is what she uses as ammo. Apparently the girl who was his real rebound right after they broke up, she found out about and went to his house and threw dirt on his bed and wrote nasty things on the mirrors. What gives, she’s the one who left him (cheated on him, so he says), she has a new man, and she relinquished her right to have an opinion about who he dates when she left the relationship.

@hurtntired She sounds like one hell of a bitch, my boyfriends ex is like that, she is with someone else and still texts him like she is running a dating site. I hate her. You need to get him and be happy, you don’t know what crap she is telling him about you.

@Dibley, well, I know she can’t really tell him crap about me because she doesn’t have a clue who I am and he knows me way better, but obviously the two of them need to get their own crap figured out because one or both of them hasn’t let go. I’m so angry today…well, that’s how I feel every day lately. Angry, hurt, confused, sad, empty. Yes…I know I need to pull myself together.

@hurtntired I wasn’t going to say that. She needs to back off and get on with her own relationship, whether he will be with you or someone else, she needs to back off. Him being male will probably not be able to tell her.

Since the last time I actually was on Fluther actively was so long ago, I just wanted to update everyone who listened and supported me with this question—the guy in question and I went through an extremely rough patch for a few months (around the time this was posted, natch). This was all at the same time the rest of my world was falling apart as well, so I sank into a very deep depression which didn’t help anything.

Anyway, around June of last year I started to re-read Eat, Pray, Love (I would call my first read more of a quick “skim”) and it truly connected with my state of mind. I really believe I went through a sort of paradigm shift in the way that I viewed life and finally accepted things for what they were, even if they weren’t exactly “perfect” or awesome at the time.

During this time, I also reflected a LOT on my relationship with said boyfriend above and came to a realization that there is no canned prescription or path for a unique relationship to follow. I had been so stuck in the rut of my prior relationship (with my son’s father, who I was with for 6 years before dating this guy) and the expectations of what a “relationship” was supposed to be, that I tried to port over all the “methods” of my old relationship to my new one. Funny how that didn’t quite work—what was I thinking? It ended in disaster the first time with my ex, and had flirted with disaster a couple times with this one.

OK, before this gets to be too much of a ramble—long story short, we have a wonderful, healthy relationship together now. It’s definitely not what I had envisioned because I had all these ideas of what a “real”, “perfect”, “serious”, “loving” relationship was supposed to look like and let me tell you, I think that everyone except the two of us is completely baffled by us. All that being said, I have learned so incredibly much about myself, about relationships, and about being happy. He has taught me so much without even knowing it, how to be secure in being alone and not have to be with someone 24/7 (I lived with my ex, I don’t live with this boyfriend although we see each other several times a week and stay over). And I think, most importantly, I have experienced happiness for the first time in the longest time that I can remember in terms of a relationship without having the “classically defined” laundry-list of things I thought were important in a relationship.

Does any of that make sense? :] Thank you all.