Can you advise me on my emotionally abusive ex?

My professional and personal advice.. stay away!! Believe me I was in the same situation with my ex wife. She was very abusive but would say thinks which would get me right back on the perpetual wheel of misfortune and round, round we go. You deserve something better then someone who only seems to love you out of convenience. Perhaps he will truly understand what he lost after a while of separation. Once someone treats you like that they rarely change and the relationship is pretty much broken. Once again, try your best to avoid temptation to go back and find someone who will treat you with respect, love you for who you are, and treat you like you deserve to be treated.

You’re not fooling yourself. I will be very blatant and candid. The guy is a selfish dick. You did the right thing by breaking it off permanently, now try to make it stay permanent.

Ok, now to you. To get over it…I would suggest that you stay away from this guy. People who have a sweet mouth usually have rotten teeth…and I really do hope that you can get over this guy as soon as you can.

Ok, he is only sorry that he is not in control anymore. You are, and he hates that. I think you need to get an injunction out on him. Have nothing to do with him or his family. Don’t answer his calls or anything. Keep notes on everything he doing. He sounds crazy and scary.

This is the classic abuse cycle that Meg would counsel her clients about continuously. Verbal buse, sweet talk, apology, get back together, worse abuse…repeat until severe violence. Please, break the cycle now, while you are emotionally and physically intact. I’m not an expert but my late wife was; she constantly spoke on this topic. Dump this jerk. There are far better men out there who will honor, respect and love you as you deserve.

@I agree 100% with @stranger_in_a_strange_land

Run. run as far away from this zero as you can and dont look back. Been there. Hes not sorry and he wont change. Find somone who truly loves you. You will no it when you meet him.

What they said! This is a classic cycle of abuse and I would further guess about him on a personal level to have emotional problems in that he intellectually knows what emotions are but cannot feel them himself. he knows that you have them and he knows how to manipulate yours but he feels nothing.
I recognized my ex in your words, and it strengthens my resolve to stay the hell away. that business of blaming you and then not sticking up for him is almost word for word…
Stay away and call us anytime you feel like you’re on the verge of doing something you’ll regret later.

How you describe the situation of repeated breakups that ended short seems that you have already given him not just a second chance, but several more. I think it is extremely unlike that he will change if you get back together and that you are spot on in fearing that he will hurt you again. He probably will, and worse. Don’t go back.

And as to how to get over part hurts, time has healed worse wounds. Friends and family (the sane ones) help. Having your own life helps. And if you need is, there is professional counseling. Just give yourself the chance to heal by not going back to where you are hurt.

Stick to your guns. He is doing his best to continue to manipulate you. It’s unlikely he will ever change. In addition, it seems you have self-respect issues. It certainly wouldn’t hurt to see a counselor who can help you identify and begin to overcome these issues, just for your own future peace of mind. All of us tend to make the same mistakes in relationships time after time. Get some help to break the cycle. Just remember that you don’t have to face this alone.

get out… now, it will hurt you so much more later on. He’s bad news.

I see my ex right there. You are very strong to realize that you were getting hurt, and took action to stop it. Unconditional love is only for those who understand what love is, and about.
It is obvious that he doesn’t have a clue what love is, and what commitment is.
You are strong, and can remain strong by not talking or seeing him. You know his tricks, and know whathe is about.
Step to the future and don’t look back.

You are NOT fooling yourself! He is a jerk and you deserve much better than that!!!

Don’t you think someone who would e-mail your parents and tell them you don’t know what love is, is a bit ahhh, well nuts? You made the right call, stay done with him.

Keep the protection order in tact. If it has expired, use the texts to show that he has not honored the current protection order. If he is texting you, I believe that is a violation. Report it to the police and have him arrested. he needs to realize this is over and you will not look back!

Excellent point @Judi . Keep the documentation for the authorities.

“he has been messaging me saying how sorry he is and how he’s had realization of how much of a jerk he was”

STAY AWAY FROM THIS PERSON!

You are being played by nothing more then a textbook narcissistic asshole.

@ChazMaz Very well said.

“I will not be dumped!”?? Who the hell is he? King Henry VIII? Stay away from this guy. He will most certainly lay it in worse and be even more emotionally abusive and controlling if you went back to him, becuase in his mind, he’s got something against you now.

And what gall to tell your parents that you don’t know what unconditional love is. He’s totally twisting the meaning of that around. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to subject yourself to their cruelty! Your safety and physical and emotional well-being come first in this instance! Stay far, far, far away!

Be very, very careful. This sort of man can become a danger. Give him no encouragement, respond not at all (a negative response is still a response and should be avoided) and report any threats received second-hand, in person, or by email or text immediately to the police. Even something vague that just feels like a threat.

You made a wise decision by dumping him.Life is too short to waste on people that hurt you.

Agree with the narcissism comments. A very similar thing happened to me…just when I think he’s bettered himself and grown up, he says something STUPID and reminds me exactly why we split.
Like everything else, it’ll take time. Good job on breaking it off, it can be a hard choice.

Restraining order, injuction- _whatever it takes to keep the distance and _ your sanity intact… contact a lawyer and document everything he does!

As already mentioned, this behaviour is very typical in the cycle of abuse. An abusive relationship is all about power and control. While in the relationship, your ex maintained and strengthened power and control over you by breaking down your self-esteem and confidence. Through manipulation and bullying (emotional and verbal abuse) he worked to make you feel as though you were responsible for any and all problems, that you were useless, stupid, and too incompetent to make it on your own (this is speculation based on the information you gave and the usual patterns in abusive relationships). He further secured his power and control over you by his attempts to sabatoge your relationships with family and friends. His disprespectful behaviour toward them was likely due to a conscious effort to try to cause trouble in your and their relationships. By damaging your other relationships, you would be less likely to turn to others for support and guidance and the risk of others seeing the problematic behaviour and/or trying to convince you to leave would be greatly reduced. What you are now experiencing is called the honeymoon period. He has lost power and control and is trying all that he can to woo you back. He may sing your praises, profess his love, promise that he is a new man, buy you presents, etc…. but all of this will be fleeting. Someone who is abusive does not and cannot completely correct this behaviour this quickly simply because “they have seen the light”. They need to honestly acknowledge and address their behaviour. They need to make a comittment to seek help and support for their behaviour and should be made to show their sincerity and ability to change by following through and utilizing whatever help and supports are available. They should show a genuine interest and understanding of your feelings, emotions, fears, expectations, and boundaries. Any kind of positive change takes more than words and it absolutely takes time. If he is not willing to give you space and respect your boundaries while working to do all that he can to learn what a healthy relationship and healthy behaviour is, he is merely putting on an act. Do not give him the satisfaction of regaining power and control over you. It can be very hard to stay strong so get support from family and friends. Try to visualize a relationship in which your partner makes you feel good about yourself, happy, supported, special, and loved. This is what you deserve. Try to cut contact with your ex and establish some boundaries for yourself. Try not to jump into another relationship right away. Being single can be great and gives you the time to build confidence and self-esteem, and to re-establish friendships that may have been neglected.
Sorry – this is a little long winded! :) Stay strong and best of luck!

If he’s that violent after a break up stay far away. My one ex didn’t like the fact he was dumped but I broke it off because he was controlling and working his way up to being abusive. I saw this my family saw it and I ended it before it got any worse. If you are afraid of him, don’t even think of giving him a second chance. My ex emailed me saying how much he loved me and was willing to change. Then I realized why be in a relationship with someone that treats me like that and that I’m going to be afraid of what he’s going to do. Were I you I just forget him and move on, you deserve better than that.

Block his e-mail and phone numbers (through your phone company) and get a restraining order.

Thanks everyone so much for the great advice. @Violet I already have had a restraining order on him, and still he sends me messages online. I also found out he talked to my friend saying he couldn’t live without me, and that I had bad influences. That was a wake up call for me, proving he isn’t sincerely aware that he is abusive.

@Kokoro I know others said this already, but it bears repeating: if he attempts to contact you despite a restraining order to the contrary, keep the evidence, and report it to the authorities as soon as possible.

If he breaks a restraining order, call the police immediately. He will go to jail.

It is important to remember that contact is not limited only to direct in-person contact. I am not sure the stipulations on your restraining order, but indirect contact such as messaging you online or trying to use people you know to act as a go between should be included. It is helpful to keep a record of the date, time, and details of any direct or indirect contact in addition to reporting it to the police. Good for you for looking at the situation with open eyes!

You have received excellent advice here. Follow it. Stay strong. You deserve better.

That’s one insecure and immature ex you have there. If your ex still wouldn’t change, if it is already emotionally draining, you just have to get off. It may take time for you to ‘heal’. I wish you luck. You deserve someone better.