How important, in a relationship, is love?

My definition of love is probably different, I really don’t even believe in it. But I could convert what people call love into trust. And that is all it takes I guess.

I guess it depends on what you want out of the relationship as to how important the love factor is.

@Blackberry… I guess in that case so long as you have trust in the other person then the emotional connection isn’t so relevant?

@slick44… Lets suppose the relationship is going to be the main one you experience in your life, not just a few months or few years.

then i beleive love is very important. i dont think the relationship would survive without it.

@slick44… thanks, thats what I figured too.

Love is the most important thing.

All you need is love.

you have no real relationship without love

I think that you could still be in a relationship with someone, without love, but it would therefore be a different kind of relationship. It wouldn’t be the same as two people who love each other.

@jfos… A great lyric from a great man!

@jfos…. I agree, the nature of the relationship would be different. A couple of follow-on Q’s if you dont mind. Would this type of relationship be enough to be happy? & What if one party was in love but the other not?

@TheJoker… your welcome:)

A relationship without love? It’d never be possible for me. That’s not a relationship. It’s a friendship, or an acquaintance. Love is what MAKES a relationship. Now as I’ve said 100 times before, there’s many kinds of love. There’s people right here on fluther that I love. Obviously, it a totally different kind of love that I feel for my husband, but it’s a form of love, never the less. I care deeply for people. I get involved with their lives, their thoughts, their problems, even. There is no such thing as a relationship without love. That’s the core of it.

love is 100% important! but love is different for everyone but there is always love.

@TheJoker The emotional attachment and the trust, plus some money, is all you need.

@jbfletcherfan…. very good point, if I were to specify a relationship without romantic love?

@bean… Very true. Would a relationship without romantic love make you happy in the long-term, but with perhaps some other sort of love in it?

@TheJoker what other sort of love do you mean? :P

Great question. Well as you know, I am in a relationship where love doesn’t go both ways, at least it has never been said both ways. That doesn’t mean I am not happy, I am. I am very happy with him and the life that I have with him. Love is very important to me, but we have been together for 2 and half years, and it is just as good as ever.

@TheJoker I don’t mean to be nit-picky, but that depends on, too, what you define a relationship as.

@bean…. Hmmm, perhaps affection, a similar love to what you’d have for a close or lifelong friend. Not the sort of love that makes you ache inside when appart, or makes that person the first & last thought you have everyday.

@Dibley… Hmmmmm, how about if it were the other way round? If you were the one without feelings of love? Not that I believe for 1 min he doesnt love you!

@jbfletcherfan…. For this question I’m assuming it’s the main relationship you’d have, akin to a marriage.

@TheJoker My last relationship was for about 5 years. I never loved him at all. I was never even attracted to him. I was at a bad part in my life and he was there, he was good to me, and really loved me. I was so horrible to him but he still loved me. I would of stayed with him if I hadn’t of met Paul, because of security and it was safe.

@TheJoker ”Would this type of relationship be enough to be happy?” I think that even people in bad relationships can be happy, and people in good relationships can be unhappy. So I wouldn’t say that a functional relationship alone determines happiness or unhappiness. That being said, I think that (if all other things were in accordance) someone could be happy in a relationship such as this.

”What if one party was in love but the other not?” I’m sure people would argue in defense of the person who “loves but whose love is not returned”, but I think it could even work under these circumstances. If a person loves someone, I’m guessing that he/she/heshe might be able to overlook the fact that the significant other does not love them back. As long as the other feels something towards them, i.e. caringness, trust, etc.

Now I have a question for you. What if A and B were in a relationship in which A loved B but B did not necessarily love A, HOWEVER B did love C, who is not in the relationship?

@TheJoker A marriage without love isn’t a marriage. It’s a living arrangement.

There is nothing else. I am an independent person, and I like to work alone. In fact I often keep my friends at arm’s length because I value my privacy and independence so much. Love is the only thing that can bring a couple together into a successful relationship, and it has worked wonders for me – I am with the person who made me reconsider my scepticism of the term ‘soul mate’. Love is the single greatest ability of the human mind, and is absolutely vital to any relationship.

@TheJoker, I’ve given this some thought. I think that a relationship based on commitment by both parties can develop into real, mutual affection and respect if not love. As long as both parties are committed, each to the other, that means they are in it for the long haul. If you can believe that about your partner, you can relax and get to work building a life together, something that will last.
By the way, and for the record. If by love, you mean that all consuming, passionate rush that you feel when you’re first a couple or whatever, that lasts about six months. What else you have is what makes or breaks the relationship. If that feeling is all there is, it will not withstand the test of time, and you’ll end up hating each other for not being what what or who you thought each other were.
So commitment entails respect for the other. Not just keeping it in your pants, so to speak, but not giving out hints about the fact that “I might be persuaded to fool around” type of attitude. Not telling lies, keeping secrets, etc. Giving the other person the full respect that your partner deserves as your…your ‘other’. So whether or not the two people are in love, if they commit each to the others keeping, then they are then able to take the next step.
Did that make sense?

@jfos…. Haha, well… quite! That is something of the million $$$ question. Would B value what he/she has with A (the good home, a loving & caring partner, security), over what he/she might potentially have with C….?
Could B live like that without suffering from issues such as depression which would adversly affect his/her relationship with A? Very tricky to determine…. cunning sod aintcha!

@TheJoker I’d say love overal, it can be wanting to make some one happy, being supportive to each other, taking care of each other, being a friend, being affectionate too… things like that. but love is different in so many ways.

@jbfletcherfan… Thats….. very true, but throws up some interesting issues.

Such as?.......Go on…..........

@FireMadeFlesh…. I’m really happy for you, it is the best feeling in the world.

@jbfletcherfan…. For example, that means I’ve never closely seen a succesful marriage, just a series of people with complex living arrangements. How could I, in that case, possibly guage what a proper marriage is supposed to be like?

My recipe for a good relationship:

40% Love
40% Friendship
20% Hard Fuckin’ Work

Où est Simone_De_Beauvoir?

@cprevite

”My recipe for a good relationship:

40% Love
40% Friendship
20% Hard Fuckin’ Work”

@Trillian….. Fantastic answer, many thanks. I wish I had something equally intelligent to respond with, but sadly, no.

@TheJoker Well, in that case, I guess you can’t. But I can’t believe you’ve never been a witness to a good, loving marriage. Do you not have it in your head what a loving marriage is SUPPOSED to be? Think of how you’d like to be treated in a marriage. How you’d like to feel about your spouse.

of course you would need other benefits, but it really depends on the person…. do you want to live your life with out emotional forfillments or would you rather have other luxuries and be with some one just to get by in life…. couldn’t you have both? love is important… how can you raise a family with out the enviroment of love.
I think after a while you would fill very unforfilled and unloved… over time things are more apparent… you would need love.
but you also would need other things in life… but being in a loving relationship is team work… you have to help eachother and create a stable life togather where everything else is included, with out love your not forfilled, with out other luxuries you have no life.

love is the key factor, because if there is no love in the relationship you are simply wasting your time. Wasting time is not an option because you can’t get it back and most importantly, you could have spent it with someone you do love.

@jbfletcherfan… I suspect some of it has to do with the way I think about things. What I’ve seen alot of in marriage is dishonesty, putting-up with, making do, cheating, substance abuse etc… As a consequence I’m still not really convinced that it can or does work. I can picture what would be perfect for me, to feel needed, wanted, like I had a place, the desire to protect & be the person I’ve always hoped I am…

@TheJoker how lovely, thank you. I don’t require a response, but I like thinking that what I have to say can help you or someone else, especially if the decision being made if really important. Anytime you want you can PM me or whatever, we can discuss whatever…
I think that being alone again as I am has helped me clarify some things. I know for a fact that if I do involve myself again in a relationship I’ll be going about it a lot differently this time. I’ve said this in another thread but it bears repeating here. We all need to stop letting the boob tube tell us how to live our lives and decide for us what we want.
Kissing is a mistake. It releases chemicals into the brain that tells us we feel more for a person than we really do. So by this one, simple thing that we all take for granted, we’re setting ourselves up for relationship failure over and over again. No wonder we can’t pick our partners by any useful, realistic criteria. That and what someone said in this or another thread about how we pick partners, which is generally looks. The best mate for you might be sitting over there and you’re not going to even look at her because her hair isn’t blond, or her ass is bigger than what you think is ideal, or….whatever.
Ok, I need to get off my soapbox and go to bed. I’ve been working all night. Be well and good luck, my friend.

@bean…. How indeed? The probable answer would be to not raise a family, to settle for less, perhaps to convince yourself that you dont deserve the spectacular… Both, do people really get to have both? & is a life without emotional fulfillment bearable… certainly things to ponder.

@TheJoker How important, in love, is a relationship?

@c_will103…. Time is a precious comodity thats for sure! Do you think there’s a cut-off point, beyond which you’d be better off sticking with the relationship you’ve got?

@Trillian… Thank you again, I’m sure you’ve guessed that this question is a little more than hypothetical, so I may take you up on your offer once I’ve mulled all this over.

Here is Cupids Official List: 1. respect each other 2. love for each other(in love) 3. trust 4. loyal 5. dependable 6. happy 7. being a real man.

I like Cupids List, but i would also add being a Christian. love will keep you together, but your religion will see you through the good and bad times.

@john65pennington…. Thank you John, as ever your no-nonsense approach is a welcome breath of fresh air!

@jfos…. I’ve been mulling that over. I guess the answer is, it’s not. If you love someone, thats it. Relationship or not the feelings still exist. Thanks for the clarity!

I’m debating whether to respond to you, @john65pennington.

We generally expect there to be love in marriages; certainly in romantic relationships. In some other kinds of relationships—friends, relatives—we also expect there to be love. Without love, it seems to me, a marriage is a business arrangement.

There are plenty of marriages without love. Some start that way (arranged marriages) and some just evolve into loveless marriages. I think that people could stay in a loveless marriage for several reasons, but I think the biggest reason would be security. It’s scary to have to go out and figure out how to live on your own again.

There are reasons to enter into loveless marriages, such as money or security or a safe place to bring up one’s children.

I have chosen a marriage that seemed to me to be more of a business relationship than a love relationship. I did it for the kids mostly, and partly for security. I think I also did it because I had made a commitment, and I loved my wife (even if I didn’t feel like she loved me), and I had hope that the love could come back, which it has, although that’s a work in progress.

@TheJoker Just don’t close up your thought process on love. There is someone out there who will click with you & make you feel all the things you should. Then you’ll know. :-)

@jbfletcherfan…. sadly, I know for a fact that you’re right, which is part of the problem.

@wundayatta… Thank you for your story, I appreciate your candour & it’s good to hear about a happy ending too.

@TheJoker I don’t know how old you are, of course, but I think you must be quite young. You have years ahead of you to find your love in someone.

I don’t know why…. and I don’t know how but when I think of the joker, ronald mcdonald comes to mind…. hmm….

@bean…. Hahahaha, except Ronald is far more evil! I guess if you ignor the scars they do look kinda similar…. I dont think there’s a Joker equivolent of The Hamburgler though :)

@jbfletcherfan…. Hehe, thanks, although I suspect I’m a little older than you think :)

@TheJoker The joker is like way more interesting and not so scary as ronald mcdonald…. when I was little he freaked me out so much! I was scared to eat at mcdonalds because there was a statue of him inside and I thought he was alive… not just that but clowns freak me out like crazy… but the joker was an awesome villian, I didn’t really look at the clown aspect, I was a big villians fan when I was younger.

Hmmm….PM me your stats & we’ll go from there. ;-) LOL

@bean…. It’s official, you-are-awesome!!! I’m the same…. clowns are freaky, after Ronald I think the scariest is Pennywise from Stephen Kings IT. What is it about them eh?! Yeh, I’ve always rooted for the villain, from Darth Vader to Hannibal Lector, to my namesake. I suspect they’re just more interesting… & cooler!

Less important than commitment and more important if you want to be happy honoring that commitment.

Love is very important in a relationship, but not the most important thing. The most important thing is to understand in a relationship is that she is in charge.

@TheJoker exactly! compared to villians superheros don’t have a really interesting aspect to them…. and batman wears his underwear on the out side! As if thats going to be able to compare with Jokers awesome costume, or the riddler! Stephen kings, didn’t he write the mist? and the happening? those were the worst movies I’ve ever seen…. Penny wise I’ll check it out, if it has clowns its bound to give me nightmares lol
But you have to admit, villians are just too cool! they are just way more interesting, in costume and personality!

@AstroChuck….. Hahaha, potentially the best answer here, many thanks!

@bean…. Absolutely, I mean look at all the fantastic evil characters over the years, from Dracula, & the insane Viktor Frankenstein, to more recent ones like Jason Voorhees, or Darth Vader. They’re all far cooler, more indepth & developed, & much more interesting psychologically.
Yeh, watch out for Pennywise, he’ll give you nightmares… I just googled the name & some decent pics popped up!

@AstroChuck that’s a good start, Chuck. LOLLLLLLLL

@TheJoker exactly! when i was little my friend would ask me who’d I choose, I was a Joker fan all the way, but she said batman was super cool….. I was thinking ‘laaammmmeee’
Villians just have so much more personality, and Bruce Wayne was just some up him self character who fought crime at night in a made bat costume…. yeah…. look who’s psychologically insane now…. weirdo… haha but yeah, villians have so much more depth and more complicated.

Love for me is one of gods greatest gifts to man. With out unconditional love i would have went ape shit when my nephew broke my xbox 360, instead i told him not to worry about it and just don’t break my ps3. I didn’t even have the urge to be mad. I knew that if he had any inclination that i was mad at him he would be sad, so i just smiled and said ” its okay kiddo, uncle dro isn’t mad. ” My point is this, love makes you forgive, even if your s/o cheats on you, you might not stay in the relationship, but you may forgive her/him and jsut walk away from the situation which is better then getting even and taking the chance of catching a s.t.d. Love is important because the more people in the world there ar that love each other the safer the world is for all of us.

how important is love in a relationship?

When it doesn’t let you down

Just like how I love marvel comics…. it never fails to keep entertaining me…. now that’s a relationship worth my time <3

@bean amen!! im going on 15yrs with marvel, but i have a little d.c on the side sometimes too.

@life_after_2012 yes! d.c not bad too! any one read…. the walking dead? .... I love it… love

Omg!! did you know that A.M.C is making a tv series for that? Thats my favorite right now that and Azreal. i like haunt too

@bean… I was always a Joker fan too, best comic I ever read was called ‘The Killing Joke’ fantastically evil story surrounding his origins. & think about it, even the movies agree with us. When was the last time a good guy in a movie didn’t cross the line, or was evil but also good, like Riddick. Give me an evil genius any day…. or perhaps a Zombie, you just gotta love Zombies!

@life_after_2012 gasp

@TheJoker O:Ｉam big giant extreme fan of zombie comics and movies

Zombie land! loved it!!!

@bean… You are a star! Cant even begin to count how many Zombie movies or books I’ve read. I’ve only just got my first Zombie graphic novel at the weekend, cant wait to start it.

@TheJoker lol! cool, which graphic novel? Day of the living dead is so good! cept for the ending where everyone just suddenly starts dying after the other…. kind of rushed the ending.. and marvel zombies is ok….

for any one who reads comics I HIGHLY recommend The Runaways by joss whedon…. best comics ever!

@jfos you’re on fire on this q – nice responses
My answer is that under no circumstances (unless otherwise my kids would be killed or somehow otherwise harmed) would I be in a relationship without love. However, I understand that many others don’t find love to be the most important factor for a relationship: many thing it’s a fleeting emotion, many others have never even considered that to be the reason to marry (think my parents’ generation) – it’s quite a new concept to marry for love, to get together for love (only a century or so old) and we’re still figuring it out.

Love I think is very important in a relationship. You can be in a relationship for many things such as money, housing, social pressures, but love triumphs all

@bean…. It’s called ‘Zombies: A Record of the Year of Infection’. I think it’s more like a diary, but it’s got illustrations etc. Seems quite good so far. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Zombies-Record-Infection-Don-Roff/dp/1847377629/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265708801&sr=8-3 I’ll have to keep an eye open for the others you mention. Have you ever tried to do anything abit zombie…? By that I mean writing, drawing… not wandering round eating people, that’d just be awkward.

@TheJoker haha yeah…. little awkward…
yeh, I use to draw, use to sell them too did some zombie ones but drawing isn’t my thing anymore…. some times i get the urge to write stories which is fun sometimes, but I give up later on haha…. um… thats about it, what about you?
I’ll check out Zombies; a record of the year of infection – it sounds alot like that movie diary of the dead which wasn’t too bad either…
runaways is definitley something to check it but it doesn’t have zombies haha :P

@bean… That’s cool. Well, I’ve been writing short-stories for the last 4yrs… but I’ve only just started my first Zombie story, & I’ve another in mind for when it’s done. I wouldn’t mind doing some illustrations too, I used to do post-apocalyptic type drawings, 2000AD type stuff when I was younger but haven’t done any for a while. Yeh, Diary of the Dead was a giggle, good ol Romero! I would love to see the book ‘World War Z’ turned into a movie, or even better, a TV series.
I just Googled ‘Runaways’, looks quite groovy, think I’ll pop it on my wish-list on Amazon…. I think any story could benefit from the addition of a few Zombies :) Hehe! (On that note have you seen the book ‘Pride & Prejudice, & Zombies’? I’ve just bought it from Waterstones, looks a giggle)

@ oh wow! your an artist I suppose, you must show me your work/stories when ever your finished or whenever is good haha
LOL pride and prejudice and zombies sound pretty interesting, i’ll look it up
Ye runaways is pretty interesting, the storyline is really good :)
at the moment I’m getting into science fiction, I’m a big fan of 3rd rock from the sun, i use to watch it all the time when I was little and comics and all that, now i’m so busy studying I don’t have time anymore, I totally have to update on comics and things… have you played left 4 dead? I started playing that last year…. and then left 4 dead 2 came out I didn’t get the time :P it’s all about zombies, pretty good too haha, but I’m currently playing sims 3 at the moment… I love sims haha, probably gotta grow up some time and get out of the gaming :P

@bean…. You, too old for gaming…. blimey, what does that make me? Hehe, I haven’t played it… yet. However I’ve been considering getting an Xbox360 ever since I saw a TV advert for it. I’ve only got a DS at the moment, & GTA:Chinatown Wars is surprisingly good fun on it :)
Haha, not sure if I’d call me that, but thanks :) Maybe I’ll email it to ya before I send it off. Fingers crossed I’ll have it completed over the next couple of weeks.
I like my sci-fi too, just watching the Battlestar spin-off, Caprica at the moment. It’s pretty bloody good so far! Used to watch 3rd Rock but an ex really hated John Lithgow so for the sake of abit of peace I stopped. Not such a cunning plan in retrospect.
So what are you studying, I did the ever useful History!

@TheJoker OMG you kidding John Lithgow is so funny! he’s the best actor out of all the other characters, but the others have some pretty good moments, that sucks she made you quit 3rd rock from the sun hahaha
DS is good, we got DS light and my mum had to get a WII… or 2 LOL so i’m buying the other one off her so I can take it with my when I move out in july. GTA I never played but I want to play it, it’s look’s pretty good and Xbox is not bad, but I love computer games haha and WII is just awesome, get a WII if you want a new console.
Ye difintley email me your work!　:D love to see it! fingers crosses you finish it soon haha

@bean…. He’s excellent isn’t he! & he’s got such a huge range, plays evil pretty decently too.
Gotta say I’m a fan of the DS light, without a doubt the best hand-held there’s been… am tempted by the Wii, but always thought it looked best as a 2 person console, will keep mulling it over.
Hah,yeh fingers crossed…. I was told once that the single most important thing when writing is… to finish! ;)

@TheJoker haha yes! he’s really talented WII is good, you can’t go wrong with WII