How do you find the right girl (or guy)?

First you become someone well-rounded and interesting – that will attract others to you. Second, you look for someone active in more than just the martial arts – only because you’re limiting your searching criteria.

Third – be patient and don’t rush it. If you go looking too hard and too quickly, you won’t end up finding what you want.

Don’t walk around fighting girls until you find one that is a formidable opponent.

People say or so I have heard, she/he is often found when you are not looking or least expect it.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Yea, those aren’t the ONLY places I have looked, but those were the only places I could think of that would give me what I wanted. Any other suggestions? And I am really working on that well-rounded and interesting part!

@Bluefreedom Yes, I agree, but are you saying I should just sit back and relax?

@jfos Damn, there goes my plan B!

@Steve_A So I should stop looking, and just let it ‘happen’?

@pikipupiba Are you ALWAYS at martial art clubs? If not, maybe she isn’t either!

@jfos No, I have just peaked in on them. I figured those would be the best places to find a girl who can take a hit. I REALLYYYYY want a girl who will legit fight me. I see this as a huge turn on and a really fun way to bond.

@pikipupiba I feel like you have some sort of a fantasy in your head – like you’ve got to get a girl…but the point is, live your life and take risks and you will find someone – be braver than usual, if you see someone on the train – on the back of your card or a napkin, write ‘hey, you’re beautiful, please call….” ( this used to work for me)

Stay out of bars.

@pikipupiba I think your trick will be to find the right girl (most likely outside of the specific martial arts interest you have right now) and then also get her interested in that. As @Simone_De_Beauvoir suggests, you are needlessly restricting your search criteria right now by looking for the girl who is “already” interested in that activity. Out of the entire population of “people interested in martial arts who get into it beyond a ‘movement’ thing—that is, who are into the ‘hitting’ part”, how many of them are female? It seems to be a vanishingly small population.

So you’d be more apt to be the kind of person who has enough other interests and qualities as to attract a fair number of potential partners, and then convince one of that population to join you in the activity that means so much to you.

If that’s not already clear enough: Although a large number of women like sailing, and it really wouldn’t be hard for me to hang around marinas and find “a willing partner”, I select a partner that I really like from the “general population” and suggest, “Have you ever been sailing? Let’s go.” Every woman I’ve taken sailing has enjoyed it (part of the trick to that is not to take someone out for their first sailboat excursion on a ‘survival’ day, but a nice warm Saturday with gentle breezes and decent sun, etc.)

I suspect that your task is going to be more difficult than mine, because, face it, a lot more women like sailing because there isn’t any hitting! It can be physical and strenuous, but it’s not often bruising.

But if you’re the right guy, and she’s the right girl—or is so into you that a few ‘friendly’ bruises won’t turn her off—then you’ll have more luck this way.

@pikipupiba. Not necessarily ‘sit back and relax’ but don’t force it either by trying to date a lot of women quickly thinking you’ll find the right one really soon by going that route. You’re going to naturally meet and interact with people from day to day and that person you’re looking for might just end up being one of those you met casually instead of someone you tried to forcefully pursue. I hope that makes sense.

Also, @Steve_A‘s comment is a very relevant one, in my opinion, because this is something I’ve heard in the past from others too.

She found me. Or to be more accurate my sister found her for me. We were introduced the day of my sister’s B-day. They were co-workers. Fell in love the second we saw eachother. have been together ever since…. are engaged.

Beats me. Any time I’ve found someone, either I didn’t expect it at all or it just kind of happened randomly. No point in looking, as far as I can tell, all it does is drive you nuts.

@MissAnthrope I respectfully disagree that one shouldn’t look. I think you do need to look, to remain open and interested in the possibility of “a relationship” (if that’s what you want) ... but to expect to find it in a different area than where you were looking. (I do agree that sometimes it appears to come from out of the blue. Boy howdy, does it ever!)

It doesn’t mean that the time and effort you spent looking in one place weren’t worthwhile. I think it’s impossible to predict “which” butterfly’s wings will start the storm, so you need to be looking for all of the butterflies you can find and stirring them all up. (If that metaphor’s not too arcane.)

You know there are a few online dating sites like eHarmony that can actually match pretty well. I didn’t have the patience for it but I heard that people actually do meet on there and a lot of them end up getting married. A lot of other online dating sites are crap like (in my opinion), match.com, yahoo personals. I have had some serious bad luck on there. IF you are actively looking for someone, online is the quickest and to me, safer then hitting bar after bar hoping you run into some high class person there.

@CyanoticWasp – I think it’s a waste of time to look. Being open to things is always good, though.

@MissAnthrope but again, I think “looking” is part of the process of “learning” so that you can “recognize” when the right one finally finds you. I’m speaking from some experience here.

@CyanoticWasp – As am I. :) The learning comes from dating different people, making mistakes, figuring out what works, what you like, etc. Spending a lot of time looking for a relationship is a waste of time in my experience. It’s far better to work on yourself, to try to be the best you can be, to get to the point where you are good with who you are.. How can you know what you want if you don’t know who you are?

Dont go looking for it as much as you are. I think having a list of things you need in a potential girlfriend is a bad idea. Often you’ll be surprised I think because sometimes you end up with the last person you ever thought you would.

@MissAnthrope maybe we agree more than we think: I would have said that “dating” is part of the process of “looking”, and I agree completely that this whole process helps us to learn to refine our own needs and wants (and to recognize and work on our own shortcomings!) to both improve our aim and our own “marketability”.

I agree with @Simone_De_Beauvoir ; If your not finding her at the martial arts clubs then you need to someplace else, there are athletic girls that can give you a run at other sports so you have variety in your lives. There is nothing more fun for me to play softball with mixed teams and get tackled by several woman!

Go for variety and explore hiking groups and camping and you might find her right in the boat next to you as you paddle down through river rapids…

Typically it happens when you least expect it to. Stop looking, let it just happen.

@Oxymoron ; exactly… found my wife in a department store line!

@phil196662 – So random! Found my long time boyfriend online from a completely random message ( not a dating site ).

@Oxymoron ; don’t you just love how things happen, the wife was surprised I wanted her number because she had just left work and smelled from bathing and grooming animals and was covered in fur…

@phil196662 @Oxymoron hell yeah! i found mine on craigslist rideshare. when he showed up to pick me and my friend up i almost fainted. it was as close to love at first sight as i can imagine :p

Awwwwww…wonderful… and you sat in the middle next to him?

well it was not a bench seat so i sat in the front and stared at him the whole time while we chatted and my friend sat in the back and stared out the window hahahahah

No idea

Lol, I know two girls in one of my honors classes (smart!) who take jiu-jitsu. One of them I know is taken, though.
Why is it so important that they are interested in martial arts anyway? That’s awfully limiting, you’re ignoring tons of other girls that could make you the happiest man alive, even if she doesn’t like to fight you :)

I’m sure this has nothing to do with you, @pikipupiba, but sometimes guys love martial arts or other sports that require close physical contact because it is their only socially legitimate chance for close contact with guys. Anyway, if a guy fantasized about other guys, but felt like that would make him unmanly or something, he might think he would like a woman who acted like a guy. Pretty convoluted and, as I say, not applicable in your case, I’m sure.

We fantasize about all kinds of relationships but when something is so specific, it’s more like a fetish. Which is cool, but is not the stuff of which relationships are made. People are, well, a lot more than fighters or soccer players or lawyers.

I know so many people who have this fixed idea about who they can partner with. A lot of them are still single even though they are in their forties. They never found their “perfect” match. I’m not telling you not to pursue your dream woman. Just letting you know that life won’t be holding still while you’re waiting.

Ah, grasshopper, that which is straight, always bends. Plans of youth rarely match the reality of later years. Best not to miss your destiny by narrow sight.

The eyes that only look towards a goal, move quickly down the road to nowhere.

The heart that is open sees in all directions, and realizes – ah ha!. I’m already there.

The open door draws guests, while the speeding carriage passes by.

Meditate on this grasshopper.

Opportunity finds you, you only have to smile when fate commands it, and run away when reason dictates it.

If you bend with reality, instead of forcing it straight, you will be repaid manyfold.

Good for you @deni .. And you took him home!

Thank you everyone! All of this advice has really helped. There are still some uncertainties I have, but I will single them out with additional specific questions.

As of right now I am still not sure how to approach relationships, but I’m hoping I can learn from people with much more experience than me. Learn from their mistakes and triumphs. Thank God for the collective!