The best joke ever?

by all means, folks, do tell – I could use some too. I feel too darn un-funny at the moment. Bring it on!

Not everyone at once.

Lol, ok I’ll begin.

An incredibly inappropriate joke to tell to those with…interesting senses of humor
“Hey! whats the best thing about having sex with thirty one year olds?”
“I don’t know, what?”
“THERE’S THIRTY OF THEM!”
^Terrible I know^

Something to tell your spouse when you have found out she is pregnant
“Whoops”

Your turn.

What exactly do you find funny?
My sense of humor is a little off according to most people’s standards.
Personally, I’m a fan of dead baby jokes.
http://www.skrause.org/humor/deadbaby.shtml

My favorite is #22.

@Vunessuh I am simply saying jokes that would work well in social gatherings, even though honestly I am a personal fan of DBJs as well.

@ChaosCross The people I hang around with love those jokes. I guess they’re as dysfunctional and heartless as me.
Unfortunately, I don’t have many appropriate/non offensive jokes because I find none of them funny.
What about this one:
Q) Where does a waitress with only one leg work?
A) I Hop.

@Vunessuh I know what you mean, those kinds of jokes never move a crowd, usually you just need to use the right one for the right situation.

@ChaosCross Damn. Sorry I was of no help. I just can’t do G rated jokes. Well, I can, but they’re too G rated.
Like,
Q) How did Simba’s dad die?
A) He couldn’t Mufasanough.

Hardy har har

Q: What goes in dry and comes out wet, is all wrinkled up before and after use but stretched during, and starts with the letters “DI…”?

A: A Diving suit

Bush and Obama are seen drinking in a bar, all joyful and friendly. A journalist sees them and is surprised, so he goes nearer and asks what they’re talking about.

“Oh I was just trying to persuade my friend Barak here to go ahead with a plan I had. I was going to kill 140 million Muslims and Angelina Jolie”, say Bush.

“Why Angelina Jolie?” asks the journalist.

Bush turns back to Obama: “See, I told you nobody would give a f*** about the 140 million Muslims!”

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and says make me one with everything.

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange Yen for Euros.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat Euro fo Yen.. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people too”

A woman is to get married to the man of her dreams in just a few weeks, but her family don’t trust him, so they decide to test his love and devotion.

The wife to be goes out to the gym every Thursday night, on this particular night the bride to be’s sister pays a visit to the future husband, she is slightly younger and it has to be said a little bit hotter too! She starts to do a very provocative strip tease in the living room, the husband to be all a fluster runs out of the room and heads for the front door, where he finds his future in laws, they throw their arms around him, telling him how wonderful he is and how they are proud that he is going to be their son in law.

Moral of the story…Always keep your condoms in the glove box of your car!

An elderly British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

“You have been to France before, Monsieur?” the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

“Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready.”

The British gentleman says, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!”

The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained;

“Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn’t find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to.”

don’t like long winded jokes, but this is the funniest joke I’ve ever heard…

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

“You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we started cussing.”

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with ‘hell’ and you say something with ‘ass.’” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, Hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can just stay there until I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?”

“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. “A couple of inches.” replied the Irishman.

So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.

“That’s odd” thought the Irishman. “The water only goes halfway up on them ducks.”

Old bull and a young bull was standing on a hill over looking a valley with a bunch of cows! “Young bull said to the old bull, “let run down there and make love to one of those cows!” “Naw,” said the old bull, “why don’t we walk down there and make love to all of them!”

nymphomaniac convention! (please take time to read this one..very funny joke)

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago”.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really, ” he said, “what myths are those?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.

We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck.”

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba..

Superman flying across the sky.
Looks down sees Wonder Woman catching some rays naked on penthouse roof.
Thinks “i’ll fly down & fuck her, i’m Supeman so fast she won’t know what’s hit her.”
Fly’s down does the deed.
Wonder Woman sits up shocked.
“What the fuck was that.” She said.
The Invisible Man says,
“I don’t know but my ass sure as hell hurts”

I didn’t know there was an invisible man.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, ‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, ‘No…not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

@simone54 Sure.He’s very transparent & shallow though.Not worth the effort of getting to know him really.

A husband tries his luck with his wife but she says “Sorry darling but I have an appointment tomorrow with my gynaecologist and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband rolls over and thinks about this for a while then whispers “Do you have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow?”

Our fuse box blew yesterday so my missus waited in for the guy to come and fix it.
“It’s all working now” she said, when she phoned me. “Ian did great job”.
“Ian?” I said “His name’s Jim”.
“Well that’s funny,” she replied, “it said ELECTRIC IAN on his van”.

I saw a blind man being attacked by a flock of seagulls the other day

There were more of them than you could shake a stick at.

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them. He asks the first duck, “What’s your name?”“Huey,” replies the duck. “So, how’s your day been?”“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Huey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles all day.” The bartender asks the second duck, “What’s your name?” “Duey,” replies the duck.”So, how’s your day been?” “Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Duey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles all day.” Finally, the bartender says to the third duck, “So I guess your name is Louie?” The duck replies, “No, I’m Puddles.”

Duck walks into a bar, looks up at the bartender and says “Got any grapes?”

Grumpy Bartender says “We don’t serve your kind, and I don’t have any grapes, get out of here!” And the duck leaves.

Duck walks in the next day says “Got any grapes?”

Bartender, more frustrated says “No, I don’t have any grapes. If I see you again I’m going to nail your feet to the floor!” Duck ruffles feathers and walks out.

Duck wanders in the next day, a little nervous says “Hey Barkeep, got any nails?” Bartender says “Uh, no…” Duck replies “Got any grapes?”

@BoBo1946 I actually laughed. Good one. Edit: I laughed at the cussing joke – then I read your second one about the bulls. I didn’t get it. Is the punchline missing?

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

@Zen_Again…will change up, the way i should told it in the first place… an old bull and a young bull where standing at the top of a hill watching the cows in the valley below and the impetus young bull said the old bull, “hey, lets us run down there and fuck one those cows….the old bull, being the wise one says to the young bull, “nawwwww, let us walk down there and fuck them all!

loll..the girls will not like this one..a “little” sexiest….

A couple of South Carolina hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Duck walks into a bar, bartender says “Hey your pants are down around your ankles”.

(( you’ll get that one later ))

what are the two sexiest animals in the world ?

BrownChickenBrownCow (say it out loud)

What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen
If she’s on a BBQ grill ? Patty
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pool? Bob
In a ditch? Phil
In a bush? Russell

True story and funny: Groucho Marx, during his show, “You Bet Your Life,” asked a contestant:

“How many children do you have?”

The lady replied, “I’ve 13 children!”

“Wow,” said Groucho, “why do many?”

The lady replied, “I love children!”

Groucho said, “I love my cigar lady, but I take it out ever once in a while!”

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty space.

The young family’s 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew—gems in the rough all of them—more or less adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar bill.

The little girl was very happy and took it home to her mother, who expressed her admiration and suggested that they take the dollar to the bank the next day to start a savings account. At the bank the little girl told the teller that the dollar was her pay for last week’s work. The teller was impressed; he asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a construction crew building a house for people to live in.”

“My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week?”

“I will if those useless cocksuckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the fuckin’ drywall,” replied the little girl.

A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder. The bartender says “Hey, where’d that come from?” The frog says “I don’t know, it started out as a bump on my ass.”

So, there’s this guy from Boston and he dies and goes to Hell.

When he gets there, the Devil comes over to Welcome him. The Devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem, I’m from Boston.” So the devil goes over to his thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 100° and the humidity up to 80%. He then goes back to the Boston guy to see how he is doing. To the Devil’s surprise, the man is doing fine.

“No problem; this is just like Boston in June,” the man says.

So the Devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150° and the humidity up to 90%. He then goes over to the see how the Boston man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.

“No problem, just like Boston in July,” the man says.

So the Devil now goes over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 200° and the humidity up to 100%. When he goes to see how the man is doing, the guy is sweating profusely, and has taken off his shirt. Otherwise he seems fine.

“No problem, just like Boston in August,” the man says.

Now the Devil is really perplexed. This time, when he goes to the thermostat, he turns the temperature DOWN to -150°. Instantly Hell freezes. The whole place becomes an icy, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back to see how the Boston man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man jumping up and down and cheering in obvious delight. The Devil immediately asks the man what the hell is going on. To which the man replies….......

“THE SOX WON THE SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“THE SOX WON THE SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a rodeo and livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes….

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and begins to speak softly, “At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.”

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward. “Once my people were few.” he sneers. “Now we are many; why do you suppose that is?”

The cowboy shifts his toothpick to the side of his mouth. From the darkness beneath his Stetson he drawls, “That’s ‘cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe we’re fixin’ to.”

Picture a musty old saloon in Texas filled with Old West and cattle raisin’ memorabilia. At the bar an older rough-and-ready cowhand with a dirty Stetson, well-worn boots and faded Levis sits with a glass and a half-empty bottle of red-eye whiskey. A beautiful young lady comes in and sits right beside him. She looks him over and asks, “Are you a real cowboy?”

He looks at her and says, “I get up at the crack of dawn, saddle an old horse, round up longhorns, corral dogies, rope and brand calves, eat dust from moving herds, live on half-baked beans and bad coffee 365 days a year. Yeah, I’m a real cowboy. Are you a real model?”

“No,” she says. “I’m a lesbian. I wake up in the morning thinking how empty my bed looks without a sweet, young, naked girl lying next to me. I bathe wishing there was a young nubile body in the tub with me that I could lather up with soap. I go to breakfast thinking of pert little breasts and nice flat tummies that I would love to massage. I spend the whole day thinking of nude girls and even naked mature women. Yes, I’m a real lesbian.” In a little while she leaves.

An hour later, some tourists sit beside the old cowpoke in the saloon and ask, “Are you a real cowboy?”

He looks at them and says, “I always thought so, until an hour ago when I found out that I was a lesbian.”

Three active duty men get stranded on an island, A sailor, an air force puke, and a marine. The natives explain that they are all going to be killed and skinned. The skins will be used to make canoes. They even show them some human skins being processed and a finished canoe. They allow them each to kill themselves in the manner of their choice. The sailor opts to hang himself, and does so. The puke cuts his wrists in a tub of warm water. The marine asks for a fork. Puzzled, they give him one. He immediately pierces himself over and over, hollering; “Fuck your canoe!!

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’ So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’ And that’s how the fight started…..

@jazzjeppe loll..good one!

Why did the man cross the road?
Why do they do anything?

A priest, a rabbi and an imam are out fishing on a lake. The rabbi says,” I’ll be right back, need to pee.” He gets out of the boat, walks across the lake and pees in the bushes. Walks back across the lake and sits back down like nothing happened.

A while later, the imam gets up and says the same—walks across the lake, pees, and comes back.

The priest is flabbergasted, stands up, steps out of the boat and falls in the lake.

Rabbi turns to the imam and says “Think we should have told him where the rocks are?”

Did you hear about the hijacking? A plane load of product liability and personal injury litigators (lawyers) were on their way to a convention. Terrorists are hold them in the plane on the ground at JFK. They are threatening, if their demands aren’t met, they’ll release one an hour.

footnote to the question: when i first joined Fluther, asked this question and was told it would be best to tell jokes in the chatroom. (mod must have been in a bad mood that day)

ummmm…%$&%$*

I’m going to have to with my first marriage.

@AstroChuck ?

“W”

Guy goes to prison He is freaking out.
Sure enough, he is put in a cell with this big hard-core dude. Just like in the movies.

The big dude turns to the guy and says, “I know you are going to be here for a while.”

The guy is thinking, “Oh shit, here it comes.”

The big dud goes on to say, ” this is what I am going to do. You can be the husband or the wife.”

The guy thinks, “wow, this might not be such a bad thing after all.” then says, “ok, I will be the husband.”

The big dud says, “good, now come over here and suck your wife’s dick!”

@BoBo1946 Well, that didn’t help much. Is it because if they run down they will frighten the cows? This would make sense, yet still not exactly promote any actual laughter, methinks. Keep trying. Your first one was funny. Beginner’s luck?

Edit: The Grouch Marx one is well worn known.

Edit: @ wasp – long but surprisingly funny.

@Zen_Again cool…beginner’s luck…thank you for the backhanded compliment Zen. Think about that joke some more…it will come to you! Lurves for you! Because i’m just a nice guy! @%#$%*&^)

Don’t take my compliments or anything else too seriously. This is the joke thread, right?

:-)

I’ve posted this a couple times before but it’s still one of my favorites-

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his wife on the road?

@Zen_Again cool my friend…everything is lovely today. Beautiful day outside and life is good…you have a good one!

There was mother unicorn and she had 3 baby unicorns. The first baby unicorn came and said “Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?” The mother replied “Because the day you were born, a daisy fell right on your forehead.” She said “Ah that’s sweet.” She kissed her on the cheek and left. The next baby unicorn comes in and she said “Mommy, why did you name Rose?” The mother replied “Because the day you were born, a rose fell right on your forehead.” She said “Ah that’s sweet.” She kissed her on the forehead and walked away. Then the third baby unicorn comes in and she was like “DERREDUBUDUBJEHDK” and the mom said “SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!”

Here’s my favorite Emo Philips joke:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me, too!”

Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

Here’s a true story one!

I went into a convenience store a few years back, and for whatever reason the cashier and I got into a discussion about kids and dogs…..she told me this story:
When her son was five they moved next door to a guy who had a dog. After their first few days in the new house, her little son came running into the house in tears!
“Mommy! Why does our neighbor keep calling his dog a bad, bad word??”
“What bad word?”
“Oh, Mommy…..It’s so bad I can’t even say it!” The kid was really distraught.
Well, a few days later she had occassion to talk to her neighbor. She asked him what his dog’s name was. The answer?
..........“Baxter.”

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery. She sees the doctor standing close by and says. “Doctor, something is wrong… I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replies, “Yes, we’ve had to amputate both your arms.”

@BoBo1946 “walking down and doing them all” makes perfect sense to an old man, as it should to any “slightly older” man. It was a good joke.

I’m not so sure about @Zen_Again‘s sense of humor any more, after “Edit: @ wasp – long but surprisingly funny.” I mean, really! ’Surprisingly’? ’SURPRISINGLY’ funny? My god, the man has no comedic sense at all, apparently. WTH was he thinking?

@AstroChuck I’m almost afraid to see what you’ll come up with next. (The Emo Philips one is good.)

My wife has just announced that she is pregnant with my son.

I didn’t even know that they were f***ing.

The Aristrocrats.

With apologies to the ladies. But you pick on us all the time so fair is fair

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
—————————————————————————————————-
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
——————————————————————————————————
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
—————————————————————————————————-
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with “A man once told me…”
—————————————————————————————————-
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
—————————————————————————————————-
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
—————————————————————————————————-
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.
—————————————————————————————————-
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told
—————————————————————————————————-
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
—————————————————————————————————-
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.
—————————————————————————————————-
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
—————————————————————————————————-
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
—————————————————————————————————-
I

@Cruiser You’re fired!

@Val123 Just for you!

Subject: Men!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “Penn State.”

And they say blondes are dumb…

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.” The woman replies, “I’ll miss you…”

“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”

“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

He said – Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said – That’s a good idea… you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60’s, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger… Whoosh…immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

A PRAYER….

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I’ll beat him to death.

AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals”

@Cruiser I have tears in my eyes!! Ok. You’re rehired and you get a raise. :)

@Val123 I am so happy now!! ;)

@CyanoticWasp My sense of humour has changed in the last few weeks that you’ve known me. I, however, expected your reaction from the term “surprisingly.” The question now is: which one of us is actually joking. Blink?

Women. You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.

- Emo, again.

I’m pretty good with the ladies. I bet. – Emo

St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.

After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, “I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly.”

Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, “Daddy!”

The old man replied, “Pinocchio?”

@Cruiser I sent all those to my husband. Now git back to work!! cracks whip

@Val123 You can’t make me!

@Cruiser Uh oh! I feel a lawsuit coming on!

@Val123 don’t make me post more women jokes….women lawyer jokes that is!! :)

On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what
she wanted to do first, Rose replied, “Get weighed.”

So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked
at Rose and said, “One hundred and twenty pounds.” Since Rose weighed in at
one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked
Rose what she wanted to do next. “Get weighed,” she said. So they went back
to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose’s weight correctly.
Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After
they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. “I want to get
weighed!” she said again.

Now Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the
evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

Rose’s roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening
went.

“Wousy!” she replied.

A: My dog’s got no nose!
B: How does he smell?
A: Awful!

A man walked into a bar with his pet monkey. The bartender said, “You can’t bring that monkey in here!” The man said, “Don’t worry, he won’t cause any trouble.”

Within seconds the monkey jumped on the pool table and swallowed the cue ball. The bartender yelled, “Hey, he just ate my cue ball. No one can play pool anymore! Get out!”

The man left but came back one week later with his monkey. He apologized to the bartender and promised no more trouble. The bartender let him and the monkey stay.

Later that night, the monkey walked over to a bowl of grapes, put one in his ass, and then ate it. The bartender said, “That’s disgusting! Why did he do that!”

The man said, “Since he swallowed the cue ball, he sizes everything up before he eats it.”

Is it Dan Quayle?

@Pseudonym Took me a minute but LOL!!

@Cruiser Do I have to fire again you to get you to tell me your women lawyer jokes??

A man goe sto the doctor
man: Doctor I don’t know what is wrong with me, just look at my penis, it’s bright orange!
Doctor: I’m perplexed, this is something I have never seen before, let me run some blood tests.

A few weeks later man goes back for his results

Doctor: I’m sorry my friend we really don’t know what is wrong, just out of curiosity what do you do for a living?

Man: I am unemployed.

Doctor: So what do you do with yourself all day?

Man: I sit on my sofa watching porn eating Cheesy Wosits!

for those who aren’t british, wotsits are orange cheesy puff crisps!

A long one… but wait for it!!

A neighbourhood celebration, a new arrival on Bridge Street, The Jones’ have had a baby! All the street are really happy, but they find out the baby was born wih no ears. Not a problem the neighbourhood decides that each day for a few months they will take it in turns to go and support mum and baby.
It is the day of Mrs. Smith, she has 2 children of her own, Mary a really sweet little girl and Tommy a bit of a tearaway! Mrs. Smith warns Tommy before they go round to the house,
“Don’t you say anything about the new baby having no ears, I am warning you, deep trouble if you do!”

They all traipse round to The Jones’ house. Little Tommy peers into the cot and says,
“Aw isn’t he sweet! Cute toes, little fingers, how’s his eye sight?”

Mrs Jones is thinking how sweet of the uually rudeTommy,replies,

“Very good thank you! Why?”

Little Tommy looks up and says,

” That’s great… Coz he’d be f***ed if he needed glasses!”

In the middle of the night, a doctor was called out to deliver a baby at the home of hillbillies living in a remotely located house in the backwoods. There was no electricity so the doctor asked the woman’s husband to hold up a lantern. After some time a baby boy was delivered and the husband put down the lantern. But the doctor said “Keep that lantern up there, I think there’s another one coming” and soon he delivered a baby girl. Again the husband went to put the lantern down but the doctor told him sternly “Stay there with that lantern man, here comes another one!” Breaking into a nervous sweat, the doctor delivered a second baby girl, at which point the husband, looking increasingly agitated and concerned, asked the doctor “Do you think they’re drawn by the light?”.

What do you call a Jamaican Proctologist?

Pokemon.

@Zen_Again back at you…not funny! loll just kidding!

;-)

Q: Do you know why divorce is so expensive?
A: Because it’s worth it.

Two men walk into a bar and one spies an extremely attractive, but seemingly underage Native American girl sitting at a table. The guy tells his buddy he thinks he’s in love, and his friend tells him to go talk to her. The guy says, “I dunno, she might be under 18, and I don’t want the CP to get me.”

“What’s the CP?” inquires the friend.

“City Police,” replies the guy.

They have a few more drinks and this guy is still just staring at this young lady, and his friend says, “Aw, c’mon, go talk to her, ask her if she’s 18, if she’s not, just walk away.”

“I can’t,” says the friend, “I’m afraid if she says she’s 16 or 17 I’ll go for it, and I don’t want the SP to pick me up.”

“What the hell’s the SP,” asks the friend.

“State Police,” replies the guy.

A few beers later the young Native American woman gets up and leaves, and the guy’s buddy says, “c’mon man, go after her.”

He’s just drunk enough that he decides to do it, so he walks out of the bar. 5 minutes later he comes back and his lip is busted, both his eyes are blackened, his face is covered in blood, he’s missing three teeth and his clothes are torn to shreds.

“What the hell happened to you?” asked the friend.

“It was worse than I thought, the FBI got me!”

“The FBI?” asked the friend.

“Yeah, guess she was just here waitin’ for her boyfriend…a Fucking Big Indian.”

Man goes to the doctor, says “promise you won’t laugh”
Doctor says “I promise, I’m a professional. Been a doctor for 25 years, and I’ve seen everything.”

Guy drops his pants, the contents are so tiny, you can barely see it. Doctor starts laughing. After a while, he manages to control himself. “Ok, sorry about that, don’t know what got over me there. Sorry, won’t happen again. So, what seems to be the problem?”

“It’s swollen” :(

The teacher was giving a lesson on human anatomy to her fifth-grade class, and she was asking for class participation. “Humans have pairs of many organs in their bodies. Can you think of some examples, and say why?”

Little Betsy spoke up, “We have two eyes. With two eyes we can better judge distance, and see a wider field of vision.”

“Very good, Betsy,” said the teacher.

“We have two ears,” said Little Richard. “That way we can tell the direction of sound and hear sounds all around us.”

“Very good, Richard,” said the teacher.

“Boys have two penises when we’re older,” said Little Johnny.

“Two penises? Why do you think so?” asked the teacher.

“My dad has two penises,” said Little Johnny. “He has a small one that he pees with, and a big one that he uses to brush Mom’s teeth sometimes.”

A young man comes home from Iraq after a 2 year deployment, and he’s never felt happier to be alive. He gets off the plane and his mother is there to greet him. She says, “son, you look just awful, what have they done to you?” He replies, “actually, Mom, I feel great, never felt better.” His mom drives him home and waiting for him is a big surprise party with all his friends. One by one his friends welcome him back, but each one tells him that he looks just terrible, and he tells them “but I feel great!” He must hear about 100 times that night how dreadful he looks, and he can’t understand it because he just feels absolutely wonderful. The next day he heads out to look for work, and runs into his favorite high school teacher, who immediately says, “Oh my God, you look TERRIBLE, what happened?” He tells her that he’s just back from Iraq, but that he feels just great. He had hoped some of this was just jetlag and a good night sleep would make him look as good as he felt, but obviously something was wrong. His teacher told him that he really ought to see a doctor because you just never know what kind of chemical warfare they might be using over there. So, he decides he should go see a doctor about it.

He gets to the doctor, and the doctor sees him and immediately exclaims, “Holy….you look AWFUL.” The guy says, “I know, I know, that’s what everyone keeps telling me, but the thing is, I feel great, I’ve never felt better.” They discuss this for a while and the doctor says, OK let me look this one up in the PDR. So the doctor grabs this big book off his desk and starts flipping through it.

“OK….looks great, feels terrible….no, that’s not it…..hmmm…looks terrible, feels terrible, nope…closer, but not quite there….OK…...ah, here it is, looks terrible, feels great.” The doctor reads on for a minute and pauses. He looks up at the young man and says, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but son, you’ve got a bad case of vagina.”

@dalepetrie I LOVED IT! I didn’t see that one coming until after I had read the last word.

@dalepetrie Ah! Had to read the ending a couple of times before I “got it”!

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

“HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.”

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you . . . you have no legs!”

The old man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you!”

She snorted. “You don’t have any hands either!”

Again the old man smiled, “Nor can I beat you!”

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. “Are you still good in bed?”

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, “I rang the doorbell didn’t I?”

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.
” The Irishman replies,“Well you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it at that. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for a second round, the bartender says,“I don’t mean to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.
” The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.“Oh, no,“he says,“everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”

@dalepetrie sorry I still didn’t get it. Did he have sex or did he turn into a woman because of the chemicals? Or is it some pun I missed? (I feel stupid now)

@Jack79
The doctor looked up the keywords “looks terrible” and “feels great” and ended up at an entry about vaginas.

@Fyrius thanks, got it now :)

At your service. :)

@Jack79 – he doesn’t have A vagina, he has a bad case of “vagina”, which is what the doctor found when he looked up something that looks terrible but feels great. The doctor thought “vagina” was a condition that he had contracted that made him look terrible, but feel great. Hope that helps.

What worse than a dog chewing your slipper?
.
.
.
.
.
A Killer Whale eating your trainer!

@Mat74UK I actually laughed out loud, does this make me a bad person?

A man tells his doctor his wife hasn’t wanted sex for months, and the doctor suggests a consultation with her.
so the wife comes into surgery and tells the doctor: ‘Every morning, i take a cab to work. I never have any cash on me, and the driver always ask: ‘So, are you going to pay today, or what?’ And i take the ‘Or what’ option.
‘That means I’m late getting to work, where the boss asks me: ‘So, are we going to make a note of your poor time-keeping, or what?’ And I take the ‘or what’.
‘So by the time i get home, I’m tired out and i don’t want any more sex.’
The doctor pauses then asks: ‘So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?’

@RareDenver – No mate! It means you have a sense of humour!

Two men were on safari when they strayed off the path and were apprehended by a tribe of savages. They were tied to stakes while the tribal elder pronounced that they were guilty of tresspassing in front of a crowd of 100 men from the tribe, and as such, they would have to be punished. The elder explained that as was custom with their tribe, they would each be given a choice of punishment…death, or rah rah.

The elder approached the first man and asked, “what will it be, death, or rah rah.”

The man asked, “what is rah rah?”

The elder replied, “SILENCE….you are to answer questions, not ask them. Now what will it be, death or rah rah?”

The man, not wanting to die, decided that nothing could be worse than death, and said, “rah rah.”

The tribal elder proclaimed, “I hereby sentence you to rah rah.” At this time, each of the 100 men, every one of whom was freakishly well endowed, stripped naked, and each one took turns anally raping the man. The men each had great stamina, and the punishment took over 2 full days to complete. By the end, the man had gone through every stage of shock imaginable and lay there bleeding and incoherent, in a greater amount of pain than anyone could imagine…his mind was completely destroyed, but he was set free and he stumbled back into the jungle in a haze, not really even comprehending who he was anymore.

At this point, the tribal elder went to the second man and asked him, “what will it be, death, or rah rah?”

The man had not wanted to die, but he had been forced to watch what happened to his friend and he realized that this truly would be a fate worse than death. So, he opted for the “easy” way out, and said, “I choose death.”

The tribal elder proclaimed, “I hereby sentence you to death by rah rah.”

A man was forced to go to the doctor for a physical for his work, and after reporting to the Dr’s office, having some blood drawn, answering questions, etc., the part he most dreaded came. The doctor told him to drop his pants for the hernia test and prostate exam. When the man dropped his pants, the doctor stared in awe at his balls.

“My god,” he said, “this may not be professional for me to ask, but how do you get your balls such a lovely brown color?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” said the man.

The doctor continued the exam, but then piped up again, “I’m sorry, but I really need to know….tanning spray? Cocoa butter?”

“I said I FUCKING don’t want to TALK about it.”

“OK, OK, calm down, I just really want to know because I want to do that to mine, so you know, doctor patient confidentiality…you tell me and it doesn’t leave this room, OK?”

The man gets pissed, pulls up his pants and storms out of the room.

He goes home and he’s in a foul mood and as soon as he sees his wife, he starts taking it out on her.

“Goddamn it, those dishes have been on the counter for a week. And what the fuck, why isn’t dinner ready, it’s not like I can afford to take us out to eat every time you’re feeling too lazy to cook. And what’s with the….”

She cut him off, “Listen here, Mr.! Don’t you pull that attitude on me, I work like a SLAVE in this house, I don’t even have time to wipe my ASS!”

“That’s ANOTHER thing I want to talk to you about,” he replied.

OK, last one for the night.

A woman goes to a pet store looking for an unusual pet for her animal lover husband’s birthday, and is approached by a salesman who listens to her needs and tells her he has just the thing for her.

“It’s called a Foo Foo bird,” he said, “pointing to a cage with a small, unassuming bird inside.”

“So, what’s so special about this Foo Foo bird,” she asked.

“Watch this,” the salesman replied, opening the cage. “Foo Foo bird…the table.”

At that, the bird flew with lightning speed out of its cage towards a wooden table, and proceeded to reduce the table to a pile of sawdust within a matter of seconds, much like the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes.

“May I try that,” she asked.

“Certainly, have him destroy that chair,” he said pointing to a wooden chair on the sales floor.

The lady said, “Foo Foo bird…the chair.”

At that, the Foo Foo bird flew to the chair and turned it too into a pile of sawdust within seconds.

After being assured that this bird would absolutely destroy any object at which he was directed, the woman decided this was the gift for her husband.

She brought the bird home and left it out of the cage so she could surprise her husband.

Her husband came home in a foul mood as he’d just been passed over for a big promotion. He saw the bird sitting on his dining room table and was a bit perturbed, not knowing that this was his birthday surprise. “What the HELL is that thing,” he asked his wife.

“That, my dear, is your birthday present…it’s called a Foo Foo bird.”

“Foo Foo bird my ASS.”

@dalepetrie the previous joke reminded me of this one:

A plane falls in the jungle and the only survivors are two Englishmen. When they are captured by a group of natives and taken to the leader, he asks sternly:

“So….where is the Irishman?”

@Jack79 – I liked that!

And one I remembered last night. This has to be the best joke I heard, since I heard it in 1998 and still remember it.

An English journalist is driving around the Highlands of Scotland for some story when she runs out of petrol. So she walks around a bit, and finds a farm in the middle of nowhere. She asks the farmer if she could have a ride to the nearest town or something, but he tells her everything will be closed anyway, but she’s welcome to stay the night and he’ll give her a lift in the morning. “You can share a room with my two sons” he says. “Don’t worry, they won’t touch you. They haven’t seen a woman since their mother died 15 years ago, and they are too shy. Besides, they’ll be too tired anyway and go straight to bed”.

Sure enough, as soon as the girl has a shower and gets ready for bed, two tired-looking boys, all muscles from working in the fields, come in, and are pretty surprised to see her. They try to ignore her and go straight to bed, not saying a word. The journalist, who hasn’t had sex in a while, what with travelling up and down the country and all, nudges the first one. “Hey, want some of this?”. The boy stares in awe but doesn’t know what to say or do. To cut a long story short, she shows him, but puts on a condom. “Don’t take that off!” she says. “Why not?” “I don’t wanna have a baby, ok? Just keep it on”.

The boy has the best 3 minutes of his life, while the other one just stares. When they are done, the journalist turns to him. “Would you like to try it too?” He nods frantically. “Ok, now let me see if I have another condom. And remember, you’re not supposed to take it off, ok?”

….

The boys being still young and fairly fit, they both have another couple of goes each, until everybody’s happy and sleeps with a smile on their face (the journalist included). The following morning, the farmer gives her a lift to the next town, where she gets some petrol, goes back to her car and drives back home.

A few weeks pass, and one day, as the boys are working in the field, one turns to the other:

“Hey, remember that woman that slept in our room last month?”
“Yeah. That was great! What about her?”
“Remember those baloony things we had to wear so she wouldn’t have a baby?”
“Yeah. So?”
“Well, I don’t give a f%$& if she has a baby or not. I’m taking mine off. I really have to pee!”

A man goes to his doctor and says “Doc I’ve been feeling like a pig”, doctor asks “how long have you felt like this?” man replies “oh about a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeek”

@Jack79 A plane falls in the jungle and the only survivors are two Englishmen. When they are captured by a group of natives and taken to the leader, he asks sternly:
“So….where is the Irishman?”…... I don’t get it.

If at first you don’t succeed…..so much for sky diving!

@Val123 if you look at dalepetrie’s joke 2 posts before that, it’s a typical format of jokes for decades. It’s either an Englishman, a Frenchman and a German, or a Christian, a Muslim and a Jew, or 3 blondes, 3 blacks, 3 Jews…the list goes on, but it’s usually 3 people involved. In this case, the leader expected that there should be 2 Englishmen and an Irishman, as in other jokes (typical in Britain where the Irish are the scapegoats).

I also know one with a Dresdner and two Berliners, but you’d have to be East German to get it.

Now for some clean jokes:

A woman was pregnant with twins, one boy and one girl. Her husband had to travel a lot for business and as it happened, on the day she went into labor, her husband was 1,000 miles away. So, the only person she could count on for a ride was her brother, and he could drive, but he wasn’t exactly right in the head. So, she called him and he picked her up, brought her to the hospital and stayed with her. But the lady had to have an emergency C-section, so they ushered him out of the room. When she came to and they brought the babies to her, she asked the nurse, “when do I get to name them?” The nurse said, “Oh, but your husband has already taken care of that,” as she pointed at the woman’s slow-witted brother. She didn’t think about correcting her nurse, instead, her first reaction was to ask, “Oh my God, what did he name them?” The nurse replied, “well, he named the girl Denise.” Well, that wasn’t TOO bad, thought the woman, so she asked, “what did he name the boy?” To which the nurse replied, “Denephew.”

And this one which is great for your church socials…

Every thousand years or so, God decided he needed a vacation. So, he asked his assistant, Phil, where do you think I should go? Phil replied, “how about Pluto?” God said, “no, went to Pluto 10,000 years ago, froze my butt off.” So Phil asked, “well if you want something warmer, maybe you should visit Mercury?” God replied, “I went there 5,000 years ago, took me 3 years to stop peeling from that sunburn.” So Phil said, “well, if you want somewhere a bit more temperate, might I suggest Earth.” God replied, “NO, that’s the worst of all. I went there 2,000 years ago and they’re STILL accusing me of knocking up some Jewish chick.”

And the last one for now:

A smart guy and a dumb guy were drinking together in a bar when the news came on at 10pm. The top story was about a guy standing on top of a 20 story building threatening to jump. So the smart guy looks at the dumb guy and says, “I’ll bet you $100 he jumps.” The dumb guy says, “OK, you’re on.” Just then the guy jumps off the building. The dumb guy pulls $100 out of his wallet and hands it to the smart guy. The smart guy says, “Nah, man…I can’t take your money. To be honest, I knew the guy was going to jump because I saw him do it on the 6 o’clock news.” To which the dumb guy replied, “That’s OK, take it. I saw him jump on the 6 o’clock news too, but I didn’t think he’d be stupid enough to do it again.”

@dalepetrie Ba dah BOOM! :)

I just came across this consideration.

“I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.” – Emo Phillips

@Jack79 – Do you mean an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman kind of jokes?

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!”

——————————————————

An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, “The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free”. Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,”..yeah. That’s quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free.” Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says “Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag”
The English says “WOW! Did that happen to you?” and the Irishman replies “No, but it happened to my sister.”

——————————————————-

An englishman, scotsman and an irishman are on a plane together when it begins to divebomb, sending them to certain death. In order to escape, the plane has to loose lots of weight quickly to allow it to continue to fly. They decide that each man has to throw out a possesion.
‘I’ll throw out a rose, ‘cos theres lots of them in my country’ says the Englishman.
‘I’ll throw out a thistle, ‘cos there’s lots of them in my country’ says the Scotsman.
‘I’ll throw out bomb, ‘cos’ theres lots of them in my country’ says the Irishman.
Luckily, their plan works and they survive, and they each go home to their families.
As the Englishman comes home he sees his dad weeping and says ‘Dad! Dad! Why are you crying!?’ to which his dad replies ‘a rose fell out the sky and the thorns slit your mothers throat!’
As the Scotsman comes home he sees his dad weeping and says ‘Dad! Dad! Why are you crying!?’ to which his dad replies ‘A thistle fell from the sky and the prickles blinded your mother!’

As the Irishman comes home he sees his dad laughing and says ‘Dad! Dad! why are you laughing?!’ to which his dad replies:

‘I farted and next doors house blew up’

———————————————————-

There was an englishman, irishman and a scotsman who worked on a building site.
It was time for their dinner so the englishman opened his bait box and said “if I get cheese sandwiches tommorrow i will throw myself off that bridge” and the scotsman and irishman both say the same.
So the next day comes and the englishman has cheese sandwiches, so he jumps off the bridge.
The scotsman looks and he also has cheese sandwiches, so he jumps off the bridge aswell.
The irishman looks and he also has cheese sandwiches so he jumps off the bridge too.

At the funeral the wives meet up and the englishmans wife says “I wish I could of just made him another kind of sandwich”
The scotsmans wife says the same.
The irishmans wife says ‘I do not know why he jumped…. he made his own sandwiches.’

Two old school friends who hadn’t seen each other for years, went out for a round of golf. They debated over who should t-off first. Finally, to setting the argument, one guy said, look. Here’s a red brick and a yellow brick. Let’s throw them up in the air and whoevers brick comes down first that person t’s-off. So they throw the bricks up. The red brick comes down but…..the yellow brick never came down!!!!

A plane full of delegates from the United Nations is flying across the Atlantic when the pilot announces “We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it is to lighten the plane” so they throw out all the baggage, but they are still too heavy, so they throw out all the seats, but they are still too heavy, so the English delegate takes a deep breath and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps. But they are still too heavy so the French delegate gets really inspired and hollers “Viva La France” and he also jumps. But, they are still too heavy so the American delegate, from Texas, gets up, hollers “Remember the Alamo” and chucks out the Mexican !!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL…YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING
ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ..
‘YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,’ HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
‘WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?’ I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, ‘IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?’
‘YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’, I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ASS,
GREY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED:

‘WHAT DID YOU TEACH’?

@Mat74UK CAPS LOCK = HILARIOUS, RIGHT? I’M DYING.

My ears are ringing….

My eyes are ringing.

Wtf am I missing re the yellow brick joke?

I’m guessing in a few more posts the next part of the joke will appear this joke did the rounds when I was about 10 (23 years ago!!) I know what’s coming ;)

A moth flies into a podiatrists office. The podiatrist says, “what seems to be the problem?” The moth then starts talking about how he hates his job and his pinhead boss, how his wife is fat and lazy and never has sex with him, how his kids are spoiled rotten and stupid, and how life just seems to suck and he’s thinking of just ending it all. So the podiatrist says, “buddy, you know I’m a podiatrist, not a psychiatrist, right?” The moth says, “yeah, I know.” So the podiatrist says, “well, why’d you come in here then?” To which the moth replies, “the light was on.”

OK, how could I have forgotten about THIS gem?

A woman decides that for her 50th birthday, to celebrate, she’s going to get tattoos of her musical idols…Elvis and Michael Jackson. And she decides she wants to get the King of Rock on her left inner thigh, and the King of Pop on her right inner thigh. She shops around, asks for some recommendations and settles on a tattoo artist who comes highly recommended by a number of people she trusts. She goes in on her birthday and tells the tattoo artist what she wants, and he does the job. When he’s done, she’s not happy with the results, but he assures her that if she lets it heal, once the skin peels it will look great…if she’s not happy once it’s all healed up, she should come back and they could talk.

So, she heals completely but still doesn’t like the way the tattoos look. She doesn’t think either tattoo looks like who it’s supposed to, so she goes back to the tattoo artist and shows him her thighs and says, “look….this looks NOTHING like Elvis, and THIS one, I know Michael Jackson had a LOT of different looks, but this doesn’t look like ANY of his faces.” The tattoo artist tells her that he thinks they are perfect and accuses her of just trying to get some money back for a job well done. They argue and finally they agree that the way to settle it is to consult an impartial third party.

So they walk out to the street and see a homeless guy, so the tattoo artist says, “hey buddy, I’ll give you a buck if you help us settle a little argument.” So, they bring the guy into the studio and the woman sits down, spreads her legs, and they point to her left thigh and the tattoo artist says, “who does this look like to YOU?” He replies, “I’m not really sure.” So the lady points to her right thigh, and says, “what about this one, does THIS look like anyone famous to you?” He asks, “can I get any kind of a hint,” so the lady says, “they’re both supposed to be famous singers.”

The homeless man thinks about it for a minute and says, “well, to be completely honest, I’m not really sure who either one of those fellas is supposed to be, but I’m pretty sure that one in the middle with the scraggly beard and the bad breath….that’s GOTTA be Willie Nelson.”

Two older guys are on the golf course. A funeral procession goes by. One guy takes his hat off, puts it over his heart and bows his head, standing quietly until it went past..
“Gee Fred!” his friend says. “I never knew you were so devout!”
Fred says, “Well, we were married for 50 years.”

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he’s getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: ‘My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it’s at the panel beaters it’ll simply never be the same again!’

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

‘I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,’ he says. ‘You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.’

‘How can you say such a thing at a time like this?’ sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, ‘Didn’t you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.’

The Banker looks down in horror.

‘F***ING HELL!’ he screams….....‘Where’s my Rolex????...

Why is there no such thing as a Chinese phonebook?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Because there’s that many Wings and that many Wongs you might wing a wong number.

A London lawyer and a Yorkshireman are sitting next to each other on a
long flight to Leeds .
The lawyer is thinking that Yorkshire men are all ‘cloth cap and clogs’
and that he can fool them easily…

So the lawyer asks if the Yorkshireman would like to play a fun game.
The Yorkshireman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that
the game is a lot of fun.
‘I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only
£5; you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you £500.’
As may be expected, this catches the Yorkshireman’s attention and to keep
the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. ‘What’s the distance from the Earth to
the moon?’
The Yorkshireman doesn’t say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a
five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the Yorkshireman’s turn.
He asks the lawyer, ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
with four?’
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses
the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library. He sends
e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an
hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Yorkshireman and hands him £500. The Yorkshireman pockets
the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.

The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the
Yorkshireman up and asks, ‘Well! What the hell does goes up a hill with
three legs and comes
down with four?’

The Yorkshireman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back
to sleep.

Don’t mess with Yorkshiremen; we only talk different.

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home…

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,

‘I’m having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.’

She looked down at his shoes and said:

‘You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!’

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen..

He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
‘No, not this time!’

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician
commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.’

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

‘I have something to show
you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed,
‘Schwartz is dead!’

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

‘Don’t move until I tell you,’
she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied.
‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.’

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

‘Here,’ he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’

‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
‘How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?’

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.

‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man.
‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

The bartender replied:
‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs
with your wife?’

The bartender replied:
‘The same thing I’m doing
to his business down here.’

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
‘I have something I must confess.’

‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.

‘No,’ he insisted,
‘I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!’

‘I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

A Mohel made a decent living circumcising babies for over 40 years, but he was old now and ready to retire. One secret that he’d never shared with anyone was that for all these years, he had saved every foreskin he’d ever cut off and kept them perfectly preserved in a huge jar. The time had come to decide what he was going to do with his “collection”, and he decided to take them to a leathersmith he had known for many years, a man he could trust with his secret. He explained to the craftsman how he had saved all of this human skin, and was wondering if this guy could tailor something nice for him out of these thousands of foreskins. The leathersmith agreed and took the jar, telling the man to come back in two weeks. Two weeks passed, and the man came in at 3pm, sayng he hwanted the finished product. The leathersmith handed him a wallet made out of foreskin. The Mohel was furious and demanded to know….“I gave you a HUGE jar of foreskin and all I get out of it is this tiny wallet? The artisan said, “though it may look small, if you rub on it for a while, it converts to an entire set of luggage!”

(Q) What’s the best form of birth control after 50?
(A) Nudity.
__________________________________
(Q) What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
(A) 45 lbs.
__________________________________
(Q) How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
(A) None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
__________________________________
(Q) Why do men want to marry virgins?
(A) They can’t stand criticism.
__________________________________
(Q) Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
(A) Because those men already have boyfriends.
__________________________________
(Q) What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
(A) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
__________________________________
(Q) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
(A) The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
__________________________________
(Q) What do you call a smart blonde?
(A) A golden retriever.
__________________________________
(Q) Why does the bride always wear white?
(A) Because it’s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
__________________________________
(Q) A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
(A) The blonde, because she’s 18.
__________________________________
(Q) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
(A) Ask your Mom.
__________________________________
(Q) What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom?
(A) Say, “Nice Dick.”
__________________________________
(Q) Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?
(A) Because they have cotton balls.
__________________________________
(Q) What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
(A) A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
__________________________________
(Q) What did the blonde ask the doctor when she found out she was pregnant?
(A) “Are you sure it’s mine?”
__________________________________
(Q) What’s the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
(A) Beer Nuts are under $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
__________________________________
(Q) Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
(A) Mace will do that to you.
__________________________________
(Q) Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
(A) Everyone has the same DNA.
__________________________________
(Q) What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
(A) A speech impediment.
__________________________________
(Q) Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
(A) Breasts don’t have eyes.
__________________________________
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying “Yo.”
__________________________________
(Q) What’s the difference between a Southern zoo,and a Northern zoo?
(A) A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
__________________________________
(Q) What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
(A) Row row row your boat.
__________________________________
(Q) What’s the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
(A) A Northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time.” A Southern fairytale begins ”‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit.”

Subject:   Instructions In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.” (and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: “Defrost.” (but, it’s “just” a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.”  (well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.”  (...and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me more time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine:“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (and…I’m taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (as opposed to…what?)

On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)

On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:“Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my freshman year, ”...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true. Thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only “A”.

this is a good one! don’t like long jokes, but this one is worth reading!

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
“I have some good news and some bad news.” says the surgeon. “The bad news
is that I have to remove your right arm!”

“Oh god no!” cries the man. “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the
good news?”

“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s
arm! I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant”

“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon. “Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

Just great” says the business man. “I’m playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great.” said the surgeon.

“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve
learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes
in watercolors.”

“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was
such a great success. I’m glad you didn’t have side affects.”

“Well, just one problem,” said the golfer, “every time I get an erection I
also get a headache!”

thank you for the love whomever!

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears, but….

every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye!

My best friend is blind, and one year for his birthday I gave him a really nice cheese grater from Williams Sonoma. He told me it was the best book he’d ever read.

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a
petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump
attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir,” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the
nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the
ground.

“What are those?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on the God’s green earth are they for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving,” says Tiger.

“My, my” muses the Irishman. “BMW thinks of everything! ”

How many Catholic Priests does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Depends on how many kids they want to rape while the room’s still dark.

just made that one up on the spot, tell me what y’all think

@dalepetrie
I was expecting a pun on the word “screw”.

@Fyrius -

So, same question, only an answer like,

“Depends on how long Lightbulb has been an altar boy”?

Okay, I chuckled.

@dalepetrie another in the same vein:

How does a Catholic priest know when it’s time for bed?

.

.

When the big hand reaches the little one.

@CyanoticWasp – loved the play on words there.

I agree. That’s clever.

You’re being gross.

@Val123 – no, THIS is being gross:

Two Catholic Priests were trying to one up each other in a discussion about the Altar boys they’d molested. One finally says to the other, “my favorite was this one boy, he was 9, but he had the body of a 4 year old.”

Alright. This is where I get offended. <unfollow>

@dalepetrie true dat. But funny, in a sick, twisted, perverted and awful way.

Right behind you @rangerr

Boy do I know how to clear a room.

What do the Cambridge University Netball Team abbreviate their name to?

lurve it @Mat74UK GA x 2 for you :)

@Mat74UK – that reminds me of this joke…

The pope is doing a crossword puzzle and he gets stuck, so he summons one of his Cardinals and asks him, “What’s a four letter word for woman that ends in unt?”

The Cardinal replies, “aunt”

The Pope says, “Thanks! Got an eraser?”

@dalepetrie keep ‘em coming.

@CyanoticWasp – OK

Q: What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

A: The flavor.

@dalepetrie
O_0

P.S. I wish Fluther had an embedded preview thumbnail function for linked images.

Well, that about says it all!

LOL at dalepetrie, those last few jokes are crass so why am I laughing, love the cheese grater :))

Crass is my middle name!

MISSING MAINE WIFE

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident off the coast of Maine, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced State Troopers. “We know it’s late, sir, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the Troopers.

“Tell me! Did you find her?” the husband shouted.

The Troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, “Give me the bad news first.”

The second Trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”

“Oh my God!” exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

The Trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 6 twenty-five-pound snow crabs and 12 good-size lobsters clinging to her.”

Stunned, the husband demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?”

The Trooper answered, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”

A guy was bragging to his buddy.

“I picked up this girl down by the railroad tracks last night and took her back to my place…she had the best tits I’ve ever seen and the tightest snatch. We screwed all night long, in every imaginable position. It was the best sex I ever had.”

So his buddy asks, “Did you get anal?”

“Yeah, like 3 times, I tore that up.”

“What about oral?” asked the friend.

“Well, not last night, but I’m hoping if I go back to the spot by the tracks where I picked her up I might be able to find her head.”

CyanoticWasp’s joke above just reminded me a similar one with two computer geeks.

One geek is describing his date to the other one.

”...so we went back to my place, and man, was she hot! She started stripping, and her tits was amazing. She threw her clothes on the floor next to the printer and started kissing me. I grabbed her and started rubbing myself against her. I took off my clothes too, threw her bra over the modem and we started doing it right there on the desk next to the laptop…”

“Man! You have a laptop? I didn’t know that! What model is it?”

This thread is on a roll for jokes that make me go O_0

A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks: ‘Can your dog perform other tricks?’. ‘But of course’, the man answers, ‘he can even gratify a woman’. Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed. The dog looks at her and does nothing, and the man then shouts to the dog, ‘OKAY’. I’m only going to show you just ONE more time how it’s done”.

A wife is complaining to her husband:
“I know you’ve slept with hundreds of other women! Admit it!”

“None, my darling. I only sleep with you. With all the other ones I stay awake all night”

titters behind hand @Jack79

OK, time to break out the jokes about hookers…

A guy is broke, 5 bucks to his name, but he’s looking to get laid. So he starts cruising the worst parts of town looking for a streetwalker. When a girl asked him if he wanted a date, he’d ask what he could get for five bucks. Some told him he could get “lost”, others said “a hug,” “a kiss,” and even some of the uglier ones offered a handjob, but he couldn’t get what he was looking for. Then he saw not only the ugliest hooker he’d ever seen, but the ugliest human being. She looked like she was about 150 years old, and hadn’t eaten anything for the last 50. Her hair was very thin, and what little was left was gray and wiry. Her eyes were crossed and bloodshot, she was missing about half of her teeth and had scars all over her body. She smelled like week old garbage and had thick, dark facial hair on her upper lip. But for 5 bucks, she was willing to ride him right there in his car. Fortunately it was dark, so the man just laid back and closed his eyes. As she tried to put him in, he felt like he was being scratched by coarse sandpaper, she was bone dry and he couldn’t get it in. So she reached down and said, “hold on, I’ll take care of it.” A couple minutes later, she slid herself down over him and suddenly she was smooth and wet. It didn’t take him long to blow his wad, and as he laid back, gasping, he said, “my God, what did you do to get so wet so fast?” To which she replied, “ah, honey, I just picked the scabs and let the pus run.”

———————————————————

Another guy goes into a brothel, this guy is he opposite, he’s got all the money he could possibly ever want. He was a regular customer, visiting 2 or 3 times a week, dropping 10 to 20 grand a visit. On this day, he’d just made a huge deal, and he was celebrating. He told the madame he wanted her absolute best girl for the night, and slapped down 50 grand. She said, “right away, sir” and walked upstairs to fetch her best “merchandise”. As he sat there, he saw a bowl of apples on the table, and he thought, hell, I’m gonna need the energy, so he went over to the table, and when he got there, he saw these weren’t apples at all, but rather peeled tomatoes. He thought that was a rather unusual snack, but he wasn’t about to turn down any snack, and he was pretty much in the habit of making himself at home there, with the kind of money he spent.

So, he grabs a tomato and sinks in his teeth, but he doesn’t even get a chance to taste it, because just then, his date, the most gorgeous blonde he’d ever seen, came walking down the staircase, but she took one look at him, screamed like she was being chased by a serial killer, and turned around, running back upstairs as quickly as she could. The shock made him swallow the bite in his mouth without even tasting it, and in surprise he dropped the tomato on the ground where it splattered. He was a bit stunned, but he figured with what he was paying, they could clean up the mess, and he’d just grab another tomato, there were plenty in the bowl. So, he looks at them, picks a nice juicy one and sits down. Just as he’s taking a bit of this one, the most incredible brunette he’d ever seen came sauntering down the stairs towards him, but she took one look at him, screamed even more loudly than the last girl, and turned tail and ran.

Again, he swallowed the bite in his mouth without even tasting it, and dropped the other on the floor where it splattered all over. By now the place was looking like an absolute fright, and no one was coming to clean up. Again, he thought, not my problem, and grabbed a third tomato from the bowl. By this point he was going to have a word with the madame, but figured he’d build up his energy first and maybe they’d take care of it on their own. So, he’s contemplating, and just as he starts to bite the third tomato, he spies a redhead who is even MORE beautiful and well built than the last two girls combined. But again, she also takes one look at him, screams bloody murder and runs up the stairs. He swallows that bite of tomato and tosses the rest of it on the ground with the others, thinking it tasted terrible anyway.

He marches up the stairs, sees the madame and starts shouting, “what the hell kind of place do you think you’re running here? Three women just screamed in my fucking face and ran off…”

She interrupted him, “NO, the question is, what the HELL did you do to MY girls? These girls have seen it all and done it all, and now 3 of my best girls are sitting in a room, rocking back and forth and shaking, and telling me they want to quit…”

“Look here, lady,” he protested, “I was just sitting down, minding my own business. I paid you 50 grand for one girl and I’ve spent that much here practically every week for the last two years, and I will NOT be treated like this…”

“Well, I don’t know WHAT the hell you did, but you’ve ruined 3 of my best girls, even YOU don’t spend enough here to cover what THEY bring in. Now I DEMAND to know what the HELL you did to them?”

“Look, I already told you, I didn’t do a god-damned thing…I was sitting at the table, minding my own business, snacking on that bowl of peeled tomatoes, which taste like shit by the way, and…”

“Tomatoes? What are you talking about?”

He grabs the madame by the arm, “I’ll fucking SHOW you,” and he drags her downstairs and points at the table with the bowl of peeled tomatoes sitting on it, and 3 tomatoes splattered all over the ground and walls in front of the table. The madame turned ghostly white, passed out and went down like a sack of bricks. Now, this guy wasn’t about to just leave her there, so he started shaking her…“wake up” he said. After a couple of minutes, the color starts to return to her face and she slowly comes to.

“Now, what the FUCK was THAT all about?” he asked. To which she replied, “well, I think I figured out what you did to my girls.” So he says, “OK, I told you I didn’t do anything, but I’ll humor you, what are you talking about?”

To which she replies, “well, those weren’t tomatoes…those were last week’s abortions.”

———————————

Three guys go to a brothel, where they are offered a menu of services. At the back of the menu, there is a desert menu with three surprise deserts listed, one for $50, one for $100 and one for $150. The first guy says, I’ll take the $50 surprise desert. He comes back with a huge smile on his face, and he says, “Man, that was fun. This girl came in and she blew me until I was hard, then she took a pineapple ring and played ring toss till it landed around my dick. Then she ate the pineapple. It was AMAZING.” The second guy says, well if it was THAT good, I’ll go with the $100 desert. So he goes in and comes back with an even bigger smile on his face. “You were right,” he said, “that was the most fun I’ve ever had. This girl pulled on me and sucked on me, massaged my balls, did a little exotic dance for me, and then SHE grabbed out TWO pineapple rings, played ring toss with them until they landed over my dick and proceeded to eat them slowly until I blew my load.” So the third guy says, “well I’m going for the $150 desert.” So, he goes into a room, and a while later he comes out. But this guy, who was 6’ 4” when he went into the room, came out of the room hunched over so he was only about 3’ 2”. “What the hell happened to YOU…” his friends asked in unison.

“Well,” he explained. “It started out just like you guys said, only better, she rubbed my cock and balls, sucked on me until I was hard and even rode me for a few minutes. Then she took out 3 pineapple slices, and played ring toss with them. Then she pulled out a can of whipped cream, and sprayed it all over the pineapple. Then she sliced some fresh strawberries on top, drizzled it with chocolate syrup and poured some sprinkles and nuts on the whole works…”

“Yeah, but how did you get all hunched over,” asked one of his friends.

“Well, it looked so damn good, I tried to eat it myself.”

A young man and his date were parked on a back road, a long distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $60”

Q: What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?

A: Erotic is when you tickle her with a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

30 years – what a long strange trip!

1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it’s cool
2002: Moving to California because it’s warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal’s office
2002: Calling the principal’s office

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid

1972: Passing the drivers’ test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!”. After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

Here’s an old one.

A blonde goes to an electronics shop looking for a TV. She sees one she likes and decides she wants to buy it. She addresses the shopkeeper.
“I’d like to buy this TV.”
The shopkeeper looks at her and says, “I’m sorry, we don’t sell to blondes. Official policy.”
The blonde leaves angrily.
But she still wants that TV. So she dyes her hair brown and tries again.
“I’d like to buy this TV,” she says to the shopkeeper again.
“I’m sorry,” he says again, “we don’t sell to blondes.”
“What? I’m not blonde!” she lies. “Can’t you tell? My hair is brown! Where did you get the idea I’m blonde?”
“My dear madam,” says the shopkeeper, “this is not a television, this is a microwave.”

I remembered this joke earlier today because I realised that in a few years, it won’t make sense any more to most people.

@Fyrius – reminds me of this one…

A blonde gets off a bus, and is immediately confronted by a female police officer.

“Ma’am, cover yourself up immediately or I’m going to need to cite you for indecent exposure.”

“What’s wrong,” asked the blonde.

The officer points to her chest, she looks down and sees her right breast hanging out. She immediately covers it up and bursts out into tears.

“It’s alright,” says the officer, “I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who saw, and I can tell you didn’t mean to be hanging out like that, so I’m not going to arrest you…”

“It’s not that…” sniffed the blonde, “I’m upset because this means I left my baby on the bus again.”

@dalepetrie- Pretty damn good. :D

A blonde was in the audience at a comedy club and a ventriloquist had just finished his blonde joke routine when the blonde approached him on the stage and said “I’m sick of your blonde jokes and I’m going to knock the shit out of you”
“I’m sorry, it was all in good fun,” replied the comedian.
The blonde retorted, “I’m talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee.”

Umm… Shouldn’t a question about jokes by definition be in the “social” section? One-liners are definitely a possibility here! :-)

You beat me to it, @Dr_Dredd. Too bad that according to the new Guidelinewuffe (or is it the Waffenguidelines?), both of these comments will be modded out in short order.

How can we have a “best joke ever” Q… that doesn’t allow humorous or one-liner responses?

(Or should I ask that as a meta Q? Or even bother wondering at all?)

Agree with you, my blue friend.

I think putting “Best Joke Ever?” into a thread category requiring serious responses only could kind of qualify, though, in an ironical Meta kind of way…

I made the mistake of slapping my fat girlfriends arse while I was fucking her doggy-style earlier. As I watched the huge tsunami of flab travel up to her head and then back I knew that it would catapult me across the room when it hit. Please, if you all donate just £2 a month, I can buy enough Stella to have sex with her again.

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived
on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
Not yet, said the little boy. His mother tells
him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his
chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to
feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes
to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to
feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives
him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don’t get any
eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal? he
asks.
Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken,
so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig,
so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you
kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this
morning.
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast,
and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a huge grin, and says, AND?

A young man was so in love with his fiancé that he decided to have her name “Wendy” tattooed on his member, however when he was not in a state of arousal all that could be seen was the W & Y.

After they were married they went to Jamaica for their honeymoon and one evening while in the gents at a local bar the young man noticed a large Rastafarian at the urinal next to him also had a W & Y tattooed on his penis.

Pointing at it he queried if the Rastafarian was also married to somebody named Wendy.

“No my young friend” he replied, “Dis say ‘Welcome to Jamaica, Have A Nice Day’ !!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KhvaEK3wKXI&feature=fvw

What’s Irish and stays out all night?
Patio Furniture

Sorry.

A couple are celebrating their 25th anniversary when the husband asks his wife: “Dear, I love you so much, and to honour our special day I want to give you whatever you want. Just name it”.
The wife thinks a little bit and then says: “Well, actually I do have this sudden urge for some snails…”
So the husband leaves for the local market and buys a lot of snails.
On the way back he sees his mates in a bar, they invite him in for a pint. One pint turns to two then three and he ends up on a major session for a few hours. Suddenly he sees this bucket of snails waiting to him near the entrance and remembers that his wife is still waiting.
He starts running like crazy carrying the bucket in his arm. seconds before his angry wife opens the door he hears her nervous steps and drops the bucket, so that all the snails are scattered around the floor.
When his wife opens the door and sees him with all the snails, he says:
“Come on boys, just a few more steps, you can make it…”

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
He said, “You must be single.” The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, “Well, y’know, that’s right. But how in earth did you know that?
The drunk said, “Cause you’re uglier ‘n shit.”

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you doing there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbour was very concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your
fucking cat.”