Do you know any good limericks?

I know this looks like a 5-year-old designed it, but there are plenty of limericks here.

A remarkable bird is the pelican
His beak can hold more than his belly can
Inside of his beak he holds food for a week
And I don’t know how in the hell-he-can.

I only know dirty limericks, sorry.

There was a man named Dave.
He kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, “I admit,
I am a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save.”

Here are some good ones from a game I used to play.

So you meet this gelatinous cube,
and it roars “I’ll absorb you, you rube!”
You: “We’ll see about that!”
as you hammer it flat,
and end up with a puddle of lube.

There once was a man named Enis…

There once was a fluthering jelly
Whose questions and answers were smelly
“I don’t want to boast, I have nothing to post
But there just nothing good on the Telly”

@filmfann Gets extra lurve for relevance and originality!

@Allie That’s ok. I should have mentioned, most limericks are naughty. That’s fine with me.

There once was a man from Timbuktu
Whose limericks stopped at line two

Though he tried for some more, he could never make four.
So he gave up and played his kazoo.

@Criuser, this one was just for you!

Yeah, most of mine are unsuitable for mixed company too, but…

“There was a young lady from Norway,
Who hung by her heels in the doorway.
She said to her man,
Get off the divan,
I think I’ve discovered one-More-way!”

Ah yes, KoL… it’s been a long time…

I’m a poet
and didn’t know it
and now I say
hip hip hooray

“There was a faith healer from Deal,
who said, ‘Although pain isn’t real,
When I step on a pin
and it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel.’”

You know the one about the man from Nantucket, but do you know the real version?

Having grown up on that island that limerick has definitely gotten on my nerves. They sell T-shirts in the myriad souvenir shops that say things like “I am the man from Nantucket” or “I married the man from Nantucket.” Sigh.

Well, I wish I knew some that weren’t so…so…oh, you know. But I just can’t resist a couple more from my college days:

There was a young plumber named Lee,
who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
She said, “Stop plumbing, someone’s coming!”
He said, “The only one coming is me!”

And now, since I’ve offended about one third of flutherites, might as well go for another third:

A gay man who lived in Rangoon,
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night,
over who had the right,
To do what, and with which,
and to whom?

Might as well get the last third of you. Please try and understand, these were from a very long time ago, when I was young and foolish.

There was a young lady named Alice,
used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina,
In North Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Dallas!

As far as the Nantucket one, the version I heard would REALLY be too much to post here. Wouldn’t it?

The gorgeous young daughter of Nisus
had breasts of two different sizes.
One was so small,
It was nothing at all,
But the other was large,
and won prizes.

I think that’s the last one I remember. Aren’t you glad?

@Dilettante Aw – we’ve seen and done much worse than that here! You’ve probably only offended two of us.

Oh no, I just dredged another one up from long ago:

There once was a man named Magruder,
Who met a nude, so he wooed her.
She thought it was crude,
to be wooed in the nude,
But Magruder was shrewder,
and screwed her.

@Dilettante Now I am offended. :-)

A mathematician named Hall
Had a hexahedrical ball
The cube of its weight
Plus four fifths of five eighths
Was two fifths of five ninths of f*^! all