What is the consensus of continuing a friendship after it has been disclosed that you have cheated on your SO with that person?

Your self confidence is amazing. Bravo to you. I think you already know he is not right for you.

She wants him to “sort her gadgets out” for her?

Sounds like you need to end it with him, if he continues to want to be friends with her, but you continue to feel suspisious about them seeing each other. If I were you, I wouldn’t be able to handle that all the time. Either he ends it with her or you end it with him.

You must do what you feel you must do. If it is so terribly important for him to help her despite your wishes, I would consider that a deep, red, blinking warning lamp.

@erichw1504 @dpworkin Yep, my thoughts exactly. Well said.

@dpworkin With a tornado siren going off.

Your SO is the one that is off the beam here. How dare he continue this friendship after having sex with her while he was “with you”.

It is insane that he continues this relationship at all.

It is insane that he wants to.

I think you guys need some couples counseling ASAP!

It’s not even the sex part as much as it is the fundamental disrespect. People can make mistakes they regret; I’m not seeing the regret here.

I am going to start out by saying this would be different for different people and depends on you. For example some people live in open relationships and are happy with that, while that might be painful and unacceptable for others. I can only view this through my own feelings and what I would find unacceptable, but that is imposing my feelings and values onto you.

I would advise you to play with a few thought experiments though. How do you believe he would react or feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Have you gone out to meet male friends and have you been given the same amount of freedom, or is there a double standard going on?
Do you believe he cares about how you feel, how his actions affect you, or does he seem oblivious to your feelings and situation? Don’t you deserve a guy who cares about your feelings?
9 months in I imagine you have formed some strong feelings and a bond with him, but… I will just say I think you deserve better, for no other reason than it seems like he should understand how that would make you feel.

tell him you don’t write the rules, you just follow them.
tell him you wish it could be different and you agree it might be bizarre the rules are as they are.

a decision to hang out with her is a decision to break off with you.

Odds are they’ll boink again in the future if only out of familiarity. Watch out.

@escapedone7…thanks for your response…well boot on the other foot I know he would allow me to have male friends and explore the ‘open relationship’ concept. I’m adamant that this is not what I believe in and my expectations of a relationship. We are at totally opposite ends of the spectrum on that score.

We almost ended the relationship last Sunday but when it comes to the ‘crunch’ we don’t want to break up. I’m finding the whole situation frustrating and feel like we are going round in circles. We just can’t agree on the subject and he says he is able to compartmentalise and is adamant he won’t go there with her again.

The issue here is with him, not you. It is not bizarre at all for you to want your SO to stay away from the woman he had an affair with. No you are not coming across as a bunny boiler. To me you come across as an incredibly understanding and patient girlfriend. If you are going to have an exclusive relationship with this man, you have every right to tell him he should not “sort out the gadgets” of a woman he slept with in the very recent past. I understand that you don’t want to break up with this guy, but before conceding to his wishes here, be sure you are on the same page and wanting the same type of exclusive relationship. Given his reaction to your request, I’m not convinced you are.

You need to understand that he’s using this other girl as a threat to you.

If you piss him off, he can always go to his fuckbuddy for nookie. Is this fair to you in any way?

Can you be certain he hasn’t already cheated on you?

@definitive I think you gave him the benefit of the doubt the first time when you accepted her as a legitimate friend of his. He abused your trust by screwing her. Now, he has some damn nerve to expect you to turn your back on the fact that he’ll be hanging around her house. He should be willing to let this “platonic” relationship with his “friend” go; he should want to move on from the past and build a future with you. If he’s making a stink, I think it’s because he still wants that girl. Like @Captain_Fantasy says, are you sure he hasn’t already cheated on you? How many times does he have to wrong you before you learn the lesson? You need to decide where your limits are and stick to them.

He doesn’t seem to understand how inconsiderate he is being of you….not a good sign, IMO.

Have you two ever talked about the the idea of you being present when he is with her? Are either of you open to this? Or is he trying to maintain a relationship of exclusivity with her?

I’m interested in why you gave him another chance the first time. What is he like? Why do you want to share your life with him? Why have you tolerated all these other meetings in public areas, but don’t think the one in her house will be ok? Why would she tell you she’d have your SO in a New York minute if she could? Why would you even ask this question when the answer is so obvious to everyone else?

Something doesn’t quite hang together here. I don’t know what it is, but it doesn’t make sense.

Hmmm…and what sort of “gadgets” might those be, that your SO would be more adept at “sorting out” than her girlfriends would be? Is he a very organized person that “sorting” is an unparalleled area of expertise?

I think you’ve been very reasonable through this, maybe TOO reasonable…. many would not put up with this behaviour and I think you are certainly right to have your suspicions. Given everything you already know was said between them, there is a lot more that you do not know. I think it is dubious that they have kept each other so close at hand and the way your SO is behaving is incredibly insensitive.. Ask yourself if you want to be with someone like that. You are understandably and rightly suspicious, and he has done too little to reassure you.

You know what the right thing is to do.

Oh dear, you’ve been incredibly understanding and he’s eaten the whole arm and chewed off your head after you’ve given him a finger, so to speak – please there’s one thing trying to forgive and another being a blanket to walk over – tell him that you have rethought some of your original concessions and that you no longer feel this is appropriate.

I think he is easing into a relationship with both of you. He is a convincing kind of a person in that he has your deep “understanding”. He probably has the same with her. Fixing her gadgets is also pretty much a “the man in my life sorting things out for me” kind of vibe.

When he told you he should of ended any contact with her. If you really do understand in a way I can’t, then the friendship should have included you. In that it was open to and included you so that it was transparent,

Some people do not mind sharing lovers and it works well for them. But doing it without full permission from all parties is wrong.
.

They should not meet at all. He should lose all contact. Keep an eye on him, and check out his stories if possible.

You made it perfectly clear…good for you!

Fire him.

Be prepared to go through it again

And again.

Friendship with that person may be the least of your problems in this case.

It is a sad situation your in because it sounds like you love him and he probably also loves you also. However with this other women dangling around as a constant temptation for your SO the chance that your relationship will make it sounds slim. He needs to cut it off with her for you for the simple fact that he had sex with her while with you. You have every right to be suspicious. Let him go now !!!