(NSFW) Do you think love between three people could exist?
I was chatting to a friend of mine today, about how I would like to meet a couple and perhaps enjoy a loving relationship. Ideally it would be a loving relationship between all three of us. I am not talking a “threesome” but rather a committed three way relationship. How common is this? How plausible is it in terms of most couples just wanting a “sexual threesome”? Have you ever met anyone that accomplished this?
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Polyamory, I do like the sound of it.
All the time. It is called Menage a trois, I believe!
Great Question, by the way!
Also keep in mind these song lyrics,
“One girl is too many, Two’s a crowd and Three you’re dead…”
A female friend of mine entered into a relationship with two other women and they adopted a baby (although only two could officially be parents). Sex was round robin and they also alternated pairing off for date nights. Last I saw her they were still togeter and doing well. So, yes it is possible.
@Original question: Love can exist between everyone.
@Specification: Maybe if it was all the same gender. I think that a relationship with 2 guys would end in jealousy and an eventual jocking for alphamale status. Unless maybe it was one straight woman, one straight male, and a bisexual male. A relationship with 2 girls seems more plausible.
Possible? Absofreakinglutley. We underestimate and put restrictions the human heart’s capacity for love.
I think it’s quite possible, so long as everyone has agreed to whatever the arrangement is. Different societies have different norms & polygomy & such likes have been accepted throughout history after-all.
Psf, two people can barely do it seems as is and now you want a 3rd fool in it?
I say NO
Love or lust? I guess that love is possible between three.Who am I to say that it’s not?
Ever heard of the saying “two is company and three is a crowd”? in my lifetime, this has never worked and never will as long as jealousy remains in the human body. can a person be in love with two people at the same time? yes, i think so. the only problem is that jealousy word again. i don’t believe the Lord intended for humans to love more than one person at a time. this is why jealousy is instilled in all of us and why domestic violence and homicides are on the rise.
Of course I think it can exist because it existed for me when I was in a relationship with my now husband and an ex-boyfriend for about 6 months. It was intense and really great for all involved.
My experience is that the level of love may not be equal. The relationship between my ladys female partner and myself was more of a very good friendship than actual love. I know that Megs love for both of us was genuine.
@john65pennington I hear you, but not all people are jealous! I am not for example. But it may be hard to find other partners that are not.
@john65pennington Domestic violence is a result of a sexist culture, not because the Lord instilled jealousy in us.
I am not sure how common it is. I think you would have to be a very secure and strong person.
@Just_Justine I don’t think it’d work for everyone but for the three of us it was an exersize in liberating our minds and our souls.
I think so.
Look at Larry ,Curly and Moe ;))
I don’t see why that is impossible
I’m sure that it’s not only possible, it probably surrounds us. I would be willing to bet that the amount of emotional work necessary to sustain any such relationship goes up logarithmically with the addition of the supernumerary partner.
Here is a classic example of why one person cannot be in love with two other people at the same time: answered a call where this woman had just used an ice pick to stab her husbands lover. the lover died with over 20 ice pick stab wounds. did this threesome work? it may have for the husband for a while, but here is that J word again….jealousy.
Beauvor…......have you never been in a situation where jealousy raged your body? over a girlfriend, over your friends new car, or someone winning the lottery? thats jealousy thats just part of our DNA and can never be changed. we were born with it.
@john65pennington That example proves nothing except that that woman has serious issues, and her husband was a cheater. I don’t see how it is relevant to consequential polyamory at all.
The people I know who are practicing polyamory conscientiously do find that the scheduling is complex.
@lucillelucillelucille
“I think so.
Look at Larry ,Curly and Moe ;))”
OMIGAWD Woman!! Please…Stop…I almost spilled my milk all over the keyboard!!!
@john65pennington We weren’t discussing my jealousy, were we? I was only responding to how non-sensical your statement sounded. and yes in my life I have felt jealousy and decided that it was a low emotion and that I don’t want to experience it and that it is better to overcome it and open yourself up to trust and new experiences and a mindset of compersion…I have never felt jealousy over another’s possessions or someone winning the lottery – I am better than that…and it is only your opinion that jealousy is in our DNA…that makes no sense to me as nobody identified where in our genome there is this ‘jealousy gene’
@john65pennington I have personal, intimate knowledge of at least three trios of people who have maintained loving relationships for decades. Perhaps your occupation exposes you to a biased sample of human behavior.
The jealousy gene is there. all of us have it. when you least expect it, it will present itself.
@Simone_De_Beauvoir personally I don’t envy at all either. I used to as a youngster I’ve outgrown it. I know I should have said @john but thought I’d add it to the general conversation. I don’t weigh love either, I think if the people are mature, and committed and understanding it could work very well. The hard part would be the making the other people understand it is not just a shag three some. I reckon it must be quite hard to find.
@john65pennington Okay, all of those statements are vague and do not express any kind of truth. If you find that you are a jealous person, that’s fine but you can’t just tell everyone who will listen that they’re a jealous homicidal maniac just waiting to strike if they venture into polyamory – that’s ridiculous.
@Just_Justine the three of us never slept together. I had two separate relationships with them both at the same time.
All i can tell you is this: three people loving each other at the same time, has never worked in my lifetime. it never has worked and never will work. approach this as you may, but somehwere, sometime down the line, jealousy will come into play and someone will be hurt. its been repeated over and over again in history.
@john65pennington Why do you presume to know what is and is not possible for all people? Some people experience too much jealousy for polyamory, others do not.
@john65pennington I’m sorry but you sound like an angry two year old that puts two fingers into his ears and screams ‘nana nana nana’ – I know what I’ve experienced and I know you’re 100% wrong.
@john65pennington Anecdotal evidence is no evidence at all. Show us a peer-reviewed study, or drop the subject. We know your opinion; that doesn’t help at all with the facts.
I don’t get why this q is marked NSFW, :)
@john65pennington Lots of unfortunate things have been repeated throughout history – like domestic violence, homicides, hatred, etc. Doesn’t make ‘em right, doesn’t mean people can’t overcome whatever others think are ‘human nature’. Some of us care for more than base feelings and urges.
NSFW due to perceived answers this one might get…And it looks like @Just_Justine was correct in marking it so…!
Likeradar….......i have been there, done that in my 66 years of living on this planet and hearing peoples problems. this opinion is not just mine, its comes from the people arrested for domestic assaults for jealousy, many involving the other man or the other woman. some arrested for killing their spouse over jealousy. its out there and it does exist. believe it or not.
@Just_Justine @davidbetterman
And interesting point you both make in that people assume that polyamory is more about sex than a monogamous relationship. I think we, as a society, mark any sexuality or ways of being with others that goes against the norm as more sexualized and therefore more deviant.
dpworkin….......you may have a valid point. thanks for reminding me.
LOL…The guy is 66. They didn’t do this sort of thing back in the olden days. If they did, it was kept a big secret!
@john65pennington It doesn’t have to exist for all people – what does it matter how long you’ve been here…it was your job to meet psychos and people who can’t handle their emotions – how can you not see how biased that is?!
@john65pennington perhaps, and I may be wrong, but the people you mentioned were not entering into an informed relationship. Meaning they had no choice in it. I do believe it would take massive doses of maturity, consensus, understanding and willingness to take part in a “decision” such as this.
@john65pennington Just consider that you don’t know all people who are in a successful polyamorous relationship. The fact that you meet people who exhibit jealousy and violence does not mean that all people do. You deal with a select sample. and this question has NOTHING to do with lying or cheating in a monogamous relationship
I know quite a few people in successful, long term polyamorous relationships. I have never seen or heard of any DV between the members. Following your logic, it can be assumed that polyamory always works out nicely. It’s in our DNA! See how foolish that is?
Yes. However, commitment can’t. You have to make a decision.
@thriftymaid committment can be made to both partners – I know people who have done this and have been in these arrangements for decades…and otoh, I made a committment to my ex husband – the marriage didn’t even last 3 years…who’s to say what a ‘real committment’ is and what would work
Jealousy and violence can come about in any relationship. Jealousy being a subjective word.
Polyamory just adds an additional individual/‘s to the equation. By it’s nature it becomes more complex. Getting everyone on the “same page” is a challenge.
I believe it can work and it does work. For some. But, how society looks at it and the nature of it in today’s society, makes for a lofty goal.
I would love to have two (2) wives. One to do the dishes, one to cut the grass. Both to keep me warm at night. ;-)
Okay, folks i have been pounded on enough. i can see a clear generation gap has prevailed and its evident we do not agree, but thats okay. this is what America is about, freedom of speech. i do wish the three people together good luck in their endeavor. just a reminder to hide all the ice picks, knives and weapons. you never know what could happen overnight, when two is company and three is a crowd. adios.
@john65pennington yeah, thanks for the vote of confidence…there are plenty of people your age who have championed polyamory
In terms of love evolutionary biology seems to favor monogamous relationships. One clue could come from the hormone called oxytocin. Wikipedia mentions that recent studies have begun to investigate oxytocin’s role in various behaviors, including orgasm, social recognition, pair bonding, anxiety, trust, love, and maternal behaviors.
Love between three people could exist but it might be an exception.
Here’s a little kicker to keep things going. Three might be tricky, with the J word, how about four people. How would that change the dynamic or would it?
@mattbrowne perhaps society rather than biology surely?
@john65pennington I guess the lord only put jealousy in the DNA of people in your generation?~
I can think of at least 5 polyamorists who are older than 60.
@ChazMaz Hahaha, you are quite simply ‘the man’!
@Adirondackwannabe Sometimes it’s a couple that is polyamorous with another couple – in that each couple can be with or married to their primary partner but they, as a couple, involve themselves romantically or sexually with another couple.
@john65pennington Your argument doesn’t work. If that is your “proof”, then no relationship works. You can find an example of violence in any relationship.
I think it’s probably more difficult to maintain and takes more of an effort, but I don’t see why it wouldn’t work for some (more emotionally mature) individuals, if that is their preference.
Absolutely can and has existed. It’s clear that it’s existed in sexist societies in the past, see size difference between men and women and can and does exist in a non-sexist way now. I’ve been in such a relationship with @Simone_De_Beauvoir and another man, and it worked well for quite a while. Jealousy is a dangerous part of us, much like rage – it can and should be overcome, just as any dangerous part of us should be. We don’t need to repress it, just to grow through it into something greater (eg compersion)
@Simone_De_Beauvoir It’s an interesting issue to just set back and think about. I’ll have to chew on this a little more. What this must do to the straight laced members of society.
@Likeradar way up there I meant consensual polyamory, not consequential. Didn’t even know I could spell that.
Our relationship worked beautifully for twelve years, no jealousies or “scheduling issues”. It ended only with the death of one of us (not by icepick). We each had our roles; Meghan was the central, nuturing, personality, I was the provider, Genevive ran the farm. All equal, perhaps Meg being “more equal” by unanimous consent.
I am 60, and was familiar with polyamory by the time I was 15. I can’t imagine there is much of a generation gap.
Certainly unusual but not unheard of. If the relationship is truly intimate amongst all three participants it depends upon a common trait of bisexuality. Strangely – at least in my view – it seems that, except for transexuality, bisexuality is often the least tolerated mode of sexual behavior these days. If my perception of that is correct then, although a loving relationship between three people is certainly possible, it would probably be one of the most difficult relatioships to be publicly open about.
Okay, so I stopped reading every comment about 30 or 40 comments up but I want to throw my answer in anyway.
I’d be willing to bet that a lot of people are closer to this arrangement than they would care to admit. Think about all those groups of three friends who always go everywhere together. There may not be a sexual aspect, but it could be said that these people are in a loving three-way relationship. They each depend on the others for love and emotional support and I have witnessed a certain amount of jealousy when an SO is introduced.
I think introducing sex and admittance of love is just a small step into making these three way relationships.
@semblance Agreed – tricky. I think there are certainly things beyond bisexuality that are less tolerated…
@KatawaGrey – Then every Marine is in a polyamorous relationship.
Brothers (and sisters) to the end.
It is the intimacy of a relationship that makes a difference.
@ChazMaz: I don’t know if you’re agreeing with me or trying to point out how ridiculous my statement is but I will respond to it anyway.
In the military any branch, not just the Marines you have to depend on one another. You form bonds with those men and women that you can’t form anywhere else. In wartime, these people go through hell and back together. They watch each other’s backs, they save each other’s lives. They sleep together, eat together, do everything together. They are each the only ones who know what the others have gone through. There may not be sex or romance, but, yes, I would call that poly-amorous relationship.
Edit in response to @ChazMaz‘s edit: How is spending every waking second and facing death with someone not intimate…?
“trying to point out how ridiculous”
Don’t get sensitive. :-)
“but, yes, I would call that poly-amorous relationship.”
I would not.
Unless that devotion becomes intimate. Meaning, (right hand thumb and index finger touching to form a circle. Left hand inserting (repeatedly) index finger into hole) an intimacy that two (or more) share that causes them to come home every evening and snuggle on the couch to watch HBO.
@ChazMaz: So a relationship can only exist between two people having sex? Two people can’t love each other unless they fit the classic relationship mold?
Are you a Marine? Is this why you are so vehemently against the idea of the men and women of our armed forces loving each other?
as i’ve mentioned before Tibetan women are known to coexist in a relationship with a man and his brother, possibly for male/female ratio reasons, but nonetheless, it happens. So yeah, it’s possible.
Sex is not the issue. That is why I brought into the discussion cuddling on the couch.
Bringing up the Marines was to exemplify the point you were trying to make. And, how it does not work. My opinion. :-)
There is love and then there is LOVE.
The ladies were bisexual, I relate sexually only to women. We were a tight and peaceful triad.
I think I’d subconsciously pick a favorite
This is just my opinion: Yes, but only if they are all the same gender. I’m sure there are exceptions to this, but I have never come across any.
I don’t know of anyone who has a functioning “3 way” loving relationship but I know of quite a few who have multiple “loves” and do very well juggling their time. Now if the other found out it might be a whole new set of dynamics!
<3 way! seems the heart is against this proposal….
Anyway, I would just like to say that I think that it is a go. Um, lots of relationships have jealousy and infighting. Why should it be any different. IMHO, and I certainly don’t want to turn this into a discussion of what marriage is, I believe that we should leave the official relationship that is mandated by government as traditional marriage. However, I do not think anyone has the right to limit what people do, and I think equal protection under the law should be granted across the board as long as it is interspecies.
I really believe that if anyone could “marry” anyone and the mores that exist that keep things pretty under control ( and some control is nice when you want to get lunch at your local pub, or bring your kids to do the same kind of things you did when you were little.) were eroded then woe be to us.
It’s about culture. I’m not against changes as long as they are subtle and don’t turn everything upside down without damn good reason. I really don’t want the future to be packs of men and women that have spawning seasons or something to keep the population up. Not to mention that only western countries will contrive to allow these situations to thrive. Our communist, and sharia law competition will not play so loose, and would soon overtake us and wipe us out. We are already outnumbered, and if we keep making new reasons not to have kids (i.e. college) then these other cultures will simply inherit western society.
@Ltryptophan yes ‘cause college is the devil! A Muslim Communist Devil!
It deserved that particular bash. And alot of the energy that is directed toward college is misplaced. College is super fantastic. People should go, but it needs mending, desperately.
Western values, should win the day. If we don’t join the competition for souls, your precious colleges are going to go the way of the dodo inside the next century. There’s a chance nothing anyone does is going to stop it at this point. Numbers just hate lieing.
@Ltryptophan Okay, it is one thing to argue to restructure education (and some restructuring is necessary, imo) and another to say that instead, we should have babies because some of us (ahem) are uber paranoid about the russians, the muslims, the godless, the whatever the current scapegoat trend is.
I am not suggesting you have babies, but rather that new concepts about relationships can quickly cause our culture to be comparatively sterile. We have lots of variables that have never been seen at play. The interconnectivity of the world, and the ease of access to information is rapidly informing westerners of their likes and dislikes. Two generations from now our culture may be unrecognizable from that of my youth. One not so nifty possibility is that people become much more interested in living their lives rather than investing their lives into a new generation. This is proven by the aging of Western culture. Americans are older than ever. This is a result of failure to replace our stock. If you consider these concepts uber paranoia, it doesn’t really mean much to me.
@Ltryptophan: Actually, I think the “older than ever” thing is due mostly in part to the baby boomers. Their generation is something along the lines of 25% larger than their parents’ generation. Now, they’re all hitting retirement age.
Of course it’s possible. It’s just not meant for everyone. I personally prefer monogamy.
Sure! Myself, the Wife and her BFF reside together in a 2 br house and other br is for storage.
the secret is communication between everyone and a really large bed…
I dont think love between three people can exist, I believe love is between two. Maybe there is attraction and a kind of love but I think that love is between two
@polycinco I have four children. Can we count how many people love one another in that group?
I know love can exist between 3 people. I only know of 3 relationships, in which 3 people are all in love with each other.
When you asked “How plausible is it in terms of most couples just wanting a “sexual threesome”? Have you ever met anyone that accomplished this?” are you talking about casual 3-ways, involving a couple, and 1 other person? I have only had one 3-way in which I was in a serious relationship. It went fine.
well loving your children and your wife is different, of course you love them but you don’t see them the way you see your wife.
I knew you would come back and redefine love.
@polycinco What makes you think it can only exist between two people?
@polycinco how do you know this? were you ever in a polyamorous arrangement?
@polycinco De-defines love to exclude polyamory. That smells like bigotry.
@Just_Justine – I think there’s a strong biological component at work here in conjunction with societal norms.
@Violet I am not talking a “threesome” but rather a committed three way relationship. How common is this? How plausible is it .. I realize threesomes are common. I was not talking about purely sex threesomes which are as common as dishwater.
What’s with the attitude some people have of “I couldn’t do it, so therefore it could not be done?”
@JeanPaulSartre And I think it’s just plain sad. Instead of living in wonder and awe of what people can achieve with their hearts, they assume the people are destined for failure (or stabbing with ice picks). Personally, I doubt polyamory would be for me, but how sadly limiting to say never or assume other people can’t…
I agree @JeanPaulSartre and @Likeradar now to find my two new loves!! where to start? That in itself could be a question. But perhaps I do not dare to post it. :))
@Just_Justine Good luck! I think, like with all love, trying to hunt it down might be counter-productive.
I’ve seen proof that three (or more) way committed relationships can work long-ter. It’s all a function of the personalities involved. Mosy of the one’s I’ve seen have a female central personality, I don’t know why, perhaps the male ego isn’t up to leadership in such an arrangement.
@JeanPaulSartre oops sorry posted that in the wrong thread lol. Now can’t delete it just ignore.
Of course. I’d say being part of a 3 person relationship is definitely doable. Hell, I’ve been happily married to my High School sweetheart for 14 years now, and we’ve been in a relationship with another married couple for over a year. Swinging? Nope. We’re committed to each other. And trust me, it is definitely not about sex because we’ve had one bumpy ass ride throughout the year. Who wants the extra headache for extra sex. Swinging would definitely be the way to go if were about that.
So yeah, to answer your question….it is plausible. More than plausible in fact.
@MarcoNJ so glad to hear. I was telling my friend last night that is what I wanted. She was totally confused loll. How did you meet? I simply do not want that, hey we are a couple looking for a threesome. Yak!
@MarcoNJ Wecome to Fluther!
I hope that I’ll be able to write about our relationship again some day. We weren’t truly a threesome in that my lady’s female lover and I were good friends, but not in love with each other. We remain business partners and friends after my lady’s death, but there is no physical relationship any longer.
It’s definitely not for me, all I can say.
I forget his name, but this (quite famous, older) guy was on TV the other day with his mistress of 20 years talking about his life – and marriage of almost 50 years. He had told his wife some 20 years ago about the mistress, but they decided not to get a divorce – as they loved each other, and she actually got along with the mistress, too.
Three people who love each other? Maybe.
This can ABSOLUTELY work! My wife and I have found a WONDERFUL woman to share our life with. We’ve been together for two wonderful years already, and it’s getting BETTER every single day. None of us are at all jealous and we all get along fabulously. Both of the women are bi-sexual and enjoy each other, just as they both do with me too…but, it’s ALWAYS BEST when all three of us come together and all enjoy each other…together! And, our relationship goes WAY BEYOND sex…in fact, sex is merely a by-product of our love for each other. We do EVERYTHING together…run errands…shop…cook…keep house…watch TV…cuddle together…etc. It’s absolutely amazing and wonderful, and life would never be the same with only two again. We are making plans to all be married together, and can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together, growing old and enjoying every single moment that life has to offer!
I’m skeptical. I’m not bi and I would never share my husband. My biggest gripe with this is why is it almost ALWAYS two women with a man? I’m not interested in having another guy in my marriage but the double standard bugs me. The polygamous lifestyle would seem more legitimate to me if women sometimes had a bunch of husbands but I never hear about that .
Is it possible/plausible? Certainly, and by all means.
Would it complicated? Certainly, and by all means. A love between two people is complicated enough – for that matter.
Would you, the person and the other person be happy with that? That’s a question for precisely the three of you (and only the three of you) to answer.
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