What should I say to my daughter?

What is your goal? Are you wanting her to feel okay to share with you about her relationships, or are you mainly just wanting to keep her behaviors “in bounds”?

I was going to suggest bringing up relevant topics in the abstract and asking her what her opinions are, but from your first paragraph that kind of already happened. Perhaps she was testing the waters with you by floating a balloon to see how you’d respond. Do you think you met the threshold?

In the future, I would maybe try to have these abstract conversations again, but do more listening about her attitudes and offer relatively little about your own position. That might encourage her to open up.

I’m not a parent, by the way, so take that with a grain of salt.

I have a 12 year old daughter who just recently asked when she could date. I told her not yet. We could talk about it when she maybe 14 or 15. She has friends like your daughter on fb who take on the last names of the bf. It is a passing thing I assure you. I am narotic and have all my kids friends on my fb. These boyfriends are gone in a week. None of these girls want to talk to the parents. I had been asking my daughter for 2 years. Trust me she asked her question and that was it no conversation. It is all childs play at that age if the parents monitor the kids.

When I was thirteen, I would have needed my parents to pull out my finger nails with pliers before I discussed my social, private, or stirring sexual life with them. I used my girl friends; and today there are huge numbers of forums, blogs, info sites and resources in general.

This is young ‘love’, and a very special time for her.

Start telling her about when you were younger, who you met and where you used to go. Tell her ‘you were teenagers once upon a time’ so you know exactly how she is feeling.

Then gently, very gently, try talking to her about the boys AND girls in her peer group. Ask if any other girls are friends with other boys, and see what her reaction is.

I think she will eventually open up to you if you tread carefully.

My way is pretty straight forward. I would casually ask her to tell me about this boyfriend of hers. She would probably say he’s not her boyfriend. I would say the indications are that he is. I would tell her it’s important to include me in the loop about these things because questions and situations come up for which her 13 year old girlfriends will not be a reliable source of information. Remind her you were 13 once too and that hers is not the first generation to deal with those excited feelings boyfriends give you. If you have any doubt that she doesn’t know what she needs to know about sex and abstention it’s time to have that talk (perhaps again).

Sorry, but I don’t know…
But at least I have put a star, which stands for “Great Questone!”

Re: Facebook, be aware that you can now slice and dice your privacy settings to create differing levels of access among your friends (and parents).

Whatever you do, don’t mention the Facebook post! That will close the door.

I hate to worry you, but I’m pretty sure they’ve at least kissed, or plan to very soon. When someone says “you guys are cute” it’s usually acknowledgment of an “item”. Hopefully, that is all they have done, as of yet. Don’t start with “When I saw the facebook picture and comments blah blah blah,” but I would say either talk to her about relationships/safety or have your wife do so.

I wouldn’t press the issue about him being a “boyfriend.” She might be uncomfortable about the label, and that’s ok.
Ask her about her friends, male and female, and what she likes about them. Mention that you’re seeing pictures of this guy and ask what she likes about him. Whatever she says, it’s ok. Don’t make her feel like she’s talking to lame ol’ dad (no offense :)) about a relationship that may or may not actually exist. Just get her talking.

good luck!!

I wouldn’t push it. My daughter is that age and see stuff like this on her fb too , and my son’s. they do have ‘boyfriends and girlfriends’ but it’s more like they go around in groups. My son told me he would never have sex at 13 but I haven’t talk to my daughter about it- they seem to just be going about in groups.

Nothing I read there seems particularly alarming to me. In my experience, parents generally take things on facebook far more seriously than we younger folks do. I’ll put up a status on a whim (and I’m almost 21), and my mom will call me, alarmed that something is wrong (and she doesn’t even have a facebook; she just looks through my dad’s newsfeed). It’s never really all that serious, but she gets all in a tizzy about it for no reason at all. When people post comments like “you guys are cute,” it’s usually just a fleeting thought. I’m of the opinion that 13 is an age at which you can have a conversation about sex in which questions are answered and expectations are set. If I were you, I’d have a conversation with her, but not be detailed about specific boys or facebook posts. Introduce the subject of sex as a topic that is open for discussion, let her know that she can be comfortable sharing these things with you, but don’t try to pry too much.

I go back to how you handled her question about Jesus being a savior. To me, the beauty of that exchange is that it happened. Keep doing what you are doing that produces communication in your family. Look for natural opportunities to explore thoughts around sex and emotional intimacy. I have a sense you explore the world with your kids all the time, this situation just adds more content.

Thanks @liminal. I want people to be sure that I am not objecting to the activity, and I am not worried about it. She’s a very responsible girl and I believe she knows how to take care of herself. And yes, they all go around in groups and usually it’s just girls.

What I’m wondering now is whether some of her friends have talked to their parents about it. Anyway.

What I want to do is what @liminal, among others, spoke to. I just want to be able to talk about it, and to let her know that we’re there for her should she need us—should her emotions be battered, or should she decide to batter someone else’s emotions (which I doubt she would do—she is usually the peacemaker in her group).

I suspect that what I want is an impossible thing. Kids must explore these things on their own. But I was so lonely as a teenager, and I couldn’t imagine talking to my parents because I knew they wouldn’t understand (and to this day, I think they wouldn’t have). I hope to spare my daughter from that kind of pain. Maybe I don’t need to worry. She is so much more socially adept already than I will ever be, but still, just in case. I want to know what’s going on so I can catch her if she falls.

You two have to be friends on facebook so she can have facebook? What on earth for? Anywho, I’m not sure what you’re asking – your daughter sounds pretty stable to me…she doesn’t have enough self awareness yet to state specifics about any ‘relationship’ she’s in…and she doesn’t feel like she has to give you all the details, which is perfectly fine. Just because she doesn’t want to share something doesn’t mean there is something to share – just means that we all deserve to have certain things to ourselves.

I wouldn’t say anything. I’m betting she has a crush on him. Obviously she doesn’t want to talk about that with you. It sounds like you trust her..you know she’s not having sex or doing anything like that. I say let her have her privacy and puppy love crush on this boy. Very harmless and healthy.

More along what you asked…I talked to my mother much more than my father when it came to boys. But, she’d always embarrass me by telling extended family (like my aunt and grandmother) so I never wanted to share anything with my mother because of how gossipy she got. Some 13 year olds share and some don’t…it really just depends on the individual.

I would say the best thing to do is to show that you trust her. That and keep your listening ears open, and also your arms.

When my boys were about the same age (and yes, I know it’s different with boys, but they still need care, guidance, and protection; they can’t get pregnant, but they can get hurt in all the other ways), or just a little older, I realized that I was going to have to do one thing if I wanted to keep their confidence, and that was withhold judgment. In my own mind, maybe not, but I had to not come down on them. Who’s going to tell their parents things if they catch hell when they do?

This was a difficult line to walk, but we already had some things in place:
— One was the policy from their early childhood: if you always tell me the truth, I’ll always believe you.
— Another was the freedom of movement, which I encouraged from the time they were old enough to ride the bus alone, so they’d learn how to take care of themselves out in the world and how to find their way home: you have to tell me where you’re going and when you’re leaving there to start home.
— And another was the bad-guy training from about age three: How do you recognize a bad guy? Not by what he (or she) looks like but by what he (or she) does. And what do you do when a bad guy tries to do something bad to you? Run like hell, scream your head off, and tell us about it. We will never blame you. And if you ever get lost from us, we will never, ever, ever stop looking for you.
— And finally, very important, from the age of four they got a half hour of uninterrupted time with a parent every night at bedtime. At first it was storytime; later on it was just talking time. Just talking quietly, not lecturing or coaching or prodding, just talking. This lasted into early teens and laid the groundwork for a relationship of communication and trust that was never really broken, even through the rough periods.

I always thought arming them with knowledge was better protection than guarding their every move. I didn’t try to keep them inside the wall. I wanted them to know how to handle what they might meet on the other side of it.

In their teens, when things started to get complicated, I kept a close eye on them, but always discreetly. I never snooped in their rooms or spied on them, but I paid attention to what they said and did, both what they told us and what they didn’t, the silences, the casual word, the chance remark overheard, and so I had a pretty good idea of where they were at.

I did not expect them to tell me everything. I told them, “You don’t have to tell your parents all your secrets. You shouldn’t. I’m not going to tell you all mine. But I am always interested in you and I always care about what’s happening with you. You can talk to me any time, and I can hear anything you have to say.”

This latter means I won’t go ballistic and I won’t cry and I won’t go into horror shock. I will listen with my ears and not with my mouth and I will do my best to understand, asking for help when I need it.

When the teen trials came, I found that I had to add one more policy to my list, and it might have been the most important one of all; because if I launched into parent mode the minute they started to talk, they were going to shut down and I was going to lose the contact. It was this, and I had to say it aloud to them more than once, and I had to absolutely believe it myself, which I still do and always will: My connection to you is more important to me than anything you do.

So instead of coming down on them, I would ask gentle questions to help them see the risks they were taking, the ways of doing things more safely, the tests of friendship, the line between wisdom and folly, and all the other things that I might have wanted to say in a lecturing tone. I used the Socratic method, you might say, and gave direct advice only when direct advice was asked for.

Which, as a result, it was—many, many, many times.

My sons are in their twenties. Both have had some difficult periods, and one has walked a very stony path of his own making. Neither is settled in life yet, but they are both okay. And we can talk to one another openly, we love and trust one another, and maybe best of all, we like one another and are comfortable together. We haven’t lost anyone.

Maybe your answer, @wundayatta, is not in what to say to your daughter but in what to let her say to you—and how you receive it. I think she will watch your reaction carefully and guide her own behavior from there. It’s best if you are clear in your own mind on what message you want to convey, and don’t let it get lost in the noise.

I would totally confront her smoothly and have “the talk”.

Would it hurt to let her see you purchasing condoms from the grocery store? Sure it would be odd but I am sure it will provide you the opportunity to discuss things with her regarding “boys” or the “talk.” It will also most likely spread. I am sure she would tell some of her girlfriends and they would talk about it and maybe even some of her girlfriends will tell their mother or father which could open the door for them to have the “talk” as well.
I have a 9 year old girl who is just starting to think of boys as cute. I do not envy your position right now. Good luck. I am sure you will do what is best for your daughter.
I also read that someone mentioned leaving the facebook posts out if the conversation. I could not agree more. Do not violate her trust if you expect her to trust you through her teen years.

@judochop so (I don’t get it)...he should look at her posts but not mention that he’s looking and that way she will trust him more?

If you haven’t already done so, it’s probably a good time for “the talk”—you know the one about how touching a penis will make her hair fall out if she’s not married.

lol, wild guess.. maybe she’s confused about family vs boy friend girlfriend relationships and she thinks you will get jealous of her new boyfriend because she kinda thinks boyfriends and dads are the same thing?

cause she tried talking to you about it but she chickened out. somehow she expects to get in trouble it seems.

@gorillapaws hahahhaha

@Simone_De_Beauvoir
Exactly. I have a child and if her facebook was up I would look at it. It is your job as a parent in able to help you must understand what is going on.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I have been forbidden to post anything on her wall.

She has been given the talk many, many times, I think. She keeps on saying that she wants to go to college and it would be really stupid to get pregnant before that happens.

@wundayatta ; be careful about the stuff you see on her fb, just ask her about her different friends and perhaps if your curious invite them over for pizza and games so you can meet them and check in. see how she interacts with them around the house but don’t be too snoopy.

sounds like a normal 13-y-old to me. I know it’s easy to freak out, but these things happen whether we want to or not. The only thing you can do is keep an eye and make sure they don’t go too far too soon or get too dangerous.

There’s no easy way to do this. Too lineant, and your kid turns into a slut who doesn’t respect you. Too strict, and you lose the connection, and have no clue what’s going on, or any control over it. It’s good that there are still 2 parents involved (as opposed to divorced parents with little or no cooperation between them). Perhaps you could try play good cop/bad cop with her. Seems to be the safest way to play this. Whatever you do, you have to work together with your wife though. You don’t want to scare the kid and make her lock up, but too much freedom also doesn’t help. You can never really be friends with your child, and that’s not what they need. They have their own friends. Plenty of them. But only one set of parents.

@judochop Well if I was looking at my child’s FB then they would know about it. And what my job as a parent is is up to me to decide. After all, I am one.

At that age, like @gailcalled, I would have rather died than have a conversation with either of my parents (especially my dad) about boys, kissing, and/or sex. I would have found it terribly embarrassing and in a way, I kind of didn’t want them to know what I was thinking, feeling, experimenting with, etc. However, at that age, the main obsession among my peers was kissing and having boyfriends/girlfriends, not sex or anything dangerous.

I think it’s best to not push too much, but keep trying in a very gentle low-key manner; just show that you’re open-minded and available for discussion if she ever wants. You could imply that being a guy, you have insight on how guys think, and that may prompt some questions directed your way like, “Why does so-and-so act this way? I don’t get it.”

I think you’re doing a wonderful job with your kid. The best part is the no-judging. You know, if anyone in the world does, how harmful judgment is. Sparing her this is heroic, since you have it in you to judge yourself so hard.
Does she bring friends home quite a bit? Big safety technique to welcome them…

Blah blah blah. If they left their facebook up and walked away from the computer they would not know. I don’t really get what the hell your point is. Did you even read what
I typed or just the last sentence?

@judochop Im not talking to someone who uses ;blahblahblah; as a response.sorry

Fine by me because that is really all I am hearing from you. Cheers.

Welcome to the Wonder years (as in “I wonder if my child and I are gonna make it out of this alive?”)

@filmfann nice, ;)

@Simone_De_Beauvoir @judochop We get it.Your parenting styles are different. Shush. Judo is a fantastic dad.

@rangerr wait, hold up…I never said he wasn’t…I wasn’t arguing or criticizing…I only got pissy after the blah blah blah comment, that’s all…but thanks for checking in

I remember when I was 13, almost 50 years ago. I had a girlfriend with a Ouija board. It told her that we were going to be married with 6 kids. The next week I had a new girlfriend. It idea of a steady, lifelong relationship at that age is frightening. I would be careful what I ask her lest you drive her toward a more lasting and indepth relationship with a boy in which she is, now, finds only mildly interesting.

My son is 13 and I just caught him for the first time with an arm around a girl.

Weird to see. Good to know. Bad to judge.

We’ve been talking about boy/girl relationships for 13 years. He doesn’t want to talk about it any more with me. Enough has been said already. My job description has changed from one of instruction, to one of support and friendship.

If that just so happens to be my son in your daughters photograph… I assure you she is in good company.

Here’s one idea that was good for some meaningful conversation. The boys played a lot of music, as kids do, much of it unfamiliar to me (and not just alien-sounding but in many ways repugnant). On several occasions when they were not too wrapped up in something, I stopped by their rooms and asked about the music: “What’s that you’re listening to?” This led to “Can you play me something you really like, something that’s one of your favorites right now?” I listened carefully, and then—“What is it that you like about that song (or group)?” (Not “why do you like that stuff?”)

The song can offer a good springboard for a real exchange of thoughts if you are careful how you draw questions out of it and if you offer some comments of your own and not just a quiz. It might, for instance, remind you of a certain time in your life or a song you liked at that age.

Common ground + a way to raise some sensitive topics indirectly = opportunity for communication.

Have you asked your wife this question? What does SHE think? Might be a valuable opinion to add, along with all these anonymous ones.

My wife had no idea. I brought it to her attention to see what she thought. My main concern is that if she does start investigating her sexuality, that she not get pregnant or get anything unfortunate. However, I seriously doubt she will do anything more than a little hand holding or smooching.

Her class is a pretty tight group. They got in trouble with the head of school because they are too affectionate with each other. Boy, is that I problem I wish I had! They are all pretty good kids and the parents who do know things tend to share those things with the parents who don’t know. Most of us are pretty laid back, so nothing has blown into a scandal—that I know of.

Facebook is kind of cool because I can see some of the things that happen. I never say anything about it because she asked me…. uh, told me not to. I am forbidden to post anything, either. She has entered that age where her parents embarrass her completely.

But it’s funny not even being invited to her recital. We rarely hear her sing unless she and her brother are doing something at home. We don’t know much about what is going on in school, except for what the teachers tell us in our meetings. Even then, we find out little because somehow my daughter has bamboozled her teacher into saying nothing other than “she’s great in all areas. Any questions?” I have to dig and dig to try to get her to give me examples so I understand why she thinks this.

She does have one problem. She is always working so hard to help others (she provides homework help, advice, mediation and comfort), that she never does anything for herself. Her teacher would like her to take some bigger risks—not worry so much about breaking the rules and do what she wants to. When did you hear a teacher telling parents that their daughter needs to break more rules?

She’ll do fine, I think. And I suppose it’s too much to ask to have her talk much, especially to me, when all her friends are instantly available on Facebook. One friend (or maybe my therapist) of mine told me she’d need me more around now, as she tried to differentiate herself from her mother, but that hasn’t happened.

Like any father, I think she’s the most wonderful kid ever—except for her brother. Sometimes just thinking about her brings tears of pride to my eyes. You know—like the first time you heard all kindergartners singing together. The lump in my throat was about the size of a football that day.

Sounds like you’ve got a great family. I think the most important thing to remember when dealing with your daughter during this tricky phase of her life is to always remember that she is building a template for the man she wants to mary based on what you say and how you behave. So you should act like the kind of man you would want her to one-day marry and that should go a long way towards launching her in the right direction.

I still think warning her about her hair falling out is a good idea :P

@wundayatta Sounds like you have a lovely family. You should be very proud. :)

I was thinking about your question today, and I realized that my dad (who I am very close to and always have been) rarely asked me questions or made obvious attempts to get me to talk when I was young and upset and not want to my lame-o parents (of course even the best parents are lame to a 13 year old). He’d just hug me, and I’d enviatably start crying and it would all spill out. I don’t know if it was an intentional tactic on his part, but it worked. So you might want to try that with her if you need to. Or not. Just an idea.

Still sounds like a normal kid to me. She’ll be ok :)

@wundayatta I agree that it sounds like you’ve got a great family…the very fact that you’re looking for answers on how best to help your kid through this time is evidence that you care deeply. Either that, or you’re just nosey. ;)

One thing came to mind, primarily because of your comment about your daughter not inviting you to her recital. Take this how you will, because it’s my belief, not yours, but I think you need to make a point to be involved with those things, no matter what your child desires. If your daughter isn’t keeping you informed, find out when the events are from teachers, and attend them anyway. I grew up in a family where my mom went to many of the recitals, but pretty much no sporting events. My dad was a non-event for just about everything. No matter how much your daughter thinks you’re an embarrassment at this very moment in time, she will never forget your presence, and as she matures will realize how much she actually valued your involvement in her life. You can’t get this time back, so try to make the most of it while she’s young. She WILL thank you later.