I really like this guy... he's about 15 years older than I am and he plays 'matchmaker' for me, but truth is I like HIM... how do I let him know this? I am 20 and he's 35...
I don’t have too much contact with him, but see him in real life several times a year. I work closely with one of his cousins, though. His cousin suggested him to me twice, but I said nothing because I was afraid of it being really awkward if it didn’t work out. Is the only way to let this guy know that I am interested is to say it outright? And if so, how do I say it? Or do I not say anything being I am the girl and he should be the one to approach me?
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The answer to all these questions is pretty much the same thing. Say it. Tell him how you feel and see what happens. You don’t have that much to lose. And – welcome to Fluther!
Find out if he’s already in a relationship first. That will save you some trouble.
who are you, @janbb? Miss Lonelyhearts?
You can ask his cousin to tell him. By doing so you don’t have to feel ashamed if he deny you later.
Thank you for the welcome, janbb!
Captain Fantasy- that much I know, thankfully. :) He is single!
Doctor D- I like that idea… especially since his cousin has mentioned him to me already. I keep hoping by some chance that his cousin will mention him again, so that I don’t have to approach it to him first. :-P
If this guy is helping you meet other guys, he is most likely not interested in you
Step #1.
Check your local activities… (find a gallery opening)
Step #2.
Call and invite him to the opening. (do some research on the artist so you have something to back up your interest in going).
If he accepts, he’s interested. If he declines, he’s not interested. You don’t need to come right out and say anything, nor ask if he’s in a relationship. Just call and see if he wants to hang out.
DON’T DON’T DON’T tell him that you love him or have fallen for him or anything like that at all. That will send him running!
Just call him and ask him to join you on something very specific and very casual. Then kick back and let the river do the rowing.
Violet—I’ve considered that, but I think there’s a possibility, I just haven’t shown him that interest yet. He did tell me “what a cutie I was” and told his cousin what a sweetheart I am…... so I don’t want to totally think he’s not interested at all being that I am! :D
I love your question and I agree with @janbb . If you are interested in him, you should make it known and I will address how you might do that in a moment. First, though, the age difference is such that he may be thinking that he is just sooooo old that you would laugh in his face if he made a move. (The age diff is not a problem, but he may be thinking it is) So you need to make the move. The worst that can happen is that you remain friends.
As for making the contact, I am just going to shutup and agree with @RealEyesRealizeRealLies Perfect answer. Do exactly what she said.
Yes….I like your username too
@Violet I think she’s right. The likelihood that the guy thinks he is too old for her but is really attracted makes it very worth a try.
Yes, I think that’s probably a situation as well- he thinks he’s too old. That’s partly why I mentioned his age and mine. I don’t mind that though but am I too young to be asking him out?? O-o
Love that idea RealEyesRealizeLies !
Too old? As long as you give him some Ginseng then he’ll be well able to remember where he put the Viagra.
Well thanks.
I’m just sitting here bored out of my mind waiting on some 20 year old hotsie to get the nerve to call me with something to do.
Okay, maybe not the art exhibit, but what about asking him if he wants to sit at Starbucks for a coffee?? Or is that too comfortable? Would a play or such be a better choice? I’m really not experienced in this kind of thing so I wouldn’t know what would be the best..
Although I respect the wisdom in @RealEyesRealizeRealLies’ answer, there is one catch to it: he might be “interested”, but have too much sense to pursue a girl so much younger than he is.
I speak from some experience. I have been contacted—more than once—by much younger women who made their interest very well known. Had they not done so, I would have been “friendly” and “interested”, but I never would have made a move because of an honest fear of being perceived as a dirty old man, cradle-robber, etc. (Not that I’m not those things; I am. I just don’t like to flaunt the fact, and I mostly keep those feelings to myself in real life.)
So he may be too reserved and “gentlemanly” to pursue an active interest in you unless you do come out in some fairly obvious way that your interest is more than “just friends”. If you make an honest declaration in this way, and he fails to respond to that, then you’re “just friends”.
@becomingme
Meeting for coffee suggests that you have something specific you want to talk with him about. Meet for coffee the day after, when you do have something to talk about.
@marinelife
You’re right, it doesn’t have to be an art opening. But they are great places to browse openly and not be forced into uncomfortable speaking. In fact, they’re great for actually getting to know a person. Don’t talk… listen! Ask him how he feels about the art… let him speak… keep your mouth shut and approving. You’ll need to get past this with an older guy. His maturity level will be impressed with yours if you encourage the man to speak. He will also be impressed with the mature activity that you’ve shown interest in.
Free wine at art openings!
Only problem is that I’m underage. ;-P
What does fit a 35 year old guy that isn’t too comfortable?? lol.. and something I’m not paying to take him to?
@CyanoticWasp
You are correct. It’s much less likely for an older man to openly invite a younger woman. That’s why she does need to make the call.
@becomingme
He’s not under age. It’s a perfect environment for an under age girl to hang with an older guy. You’ll probably see other couples there that are in the same situation.
“What does fit a 35 year old guy that isn’t too comfortable?? lol.. and something I’m not paying to take him to?”
“Art Opening”
@RealEyesRealizeRealLies I’ll have to try and find one nearby. :-) I am an artistic person, so I wouldn’t mind that myself… as long as he’s good with it. And I guess, if he’s really interested, he won’t mind where we go??
@CyanoticWasp Thanks for sharing your experience… it definitely gives me a better understanding!
You can always use the excuse that some available guys might be there and you’d like him to escort you… nah, forget that suggestion unless all else fails
Fifteen years is nothing if you love each other. When we married, I was 43 and my lady 22. You should find out if he is really interested in you though. There are some men (and women) who are reluctant to enter a relationship with someone significantly younger than they are. I initially had that reluctance, but Megs insistance that age didn’t matter made me feel confortable.
He did tell me “what a cutie I was” and told his cousin what a sweetheart I am
sounds like the friend zone..
If you’re artistic, then an exhibit opening or gallery talk is a great thing to do. First, it’s a public event, so free/not a “date”/not as personal as coffee—you have a neutral topic to talk about. If he goes, and is interested in art, you have something in common. If he goes, and isn’t interested in art, he’s interested in you. If he turns you down because he’s not interested in art, then it’s a good sign that he’s not interested in you, because at 35, he should recognize it as a chance to do something with you.
You two are the same age my husband and I were when we started dating.
We started off as “friends” (more like acquaintances, I guess… we talked in church, but that was about it), and then at one point he asked for my email address. We emailed back and forth for a while, and then I asked him to come with me to the Renaissance Festival. We’ve been together ever since.
Like @RealEyesRealizeRealLies and @PandoraBoxx said, a public event is the best thing. Ask him to the state fair, or a local theme park, or the (insert name of silly local produce festival). Somewhere you can learn about each others’ energy, and have plenty of time to explore your chemistry.
I think it’s a big age difference, myself. But if you are really interested, let him know.
Age doesn’t matter. if you are interested invite him to do something as friends for now and see where that goes.
@dutchbrossis That is my firm belief and by now I am pretty used to the idea that some people from the outside won’t always be happy with such a decision, but I’m okay with that. :) I am sure age doesn’t matter, and in fact, I think that in some situations it is good to have somewhat of an age gap. For me, I’m not interested in having a boyfriend just to have ‘fun’. I am not a player. I want someone who is looking for a serious, long term relationship, mature, ready to start a family, etc as I am. I consider myself pretty mature and I want someone who is mature as well. I work full time and work hard, almost all of my friends are adults (most of my friends are 35+ years of age, both male and female), I am open to different religious/ political views but I have standards that I hold in place. I don’t want to fall for anything, but I don’t want to ever be narrow minded!
@becomingme That is awesome. My husband is 26 years older than me so I am fine with age gaps as you can tell I am sure. Whatever makes you happy as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else. The only problem I see with people like you and me is that it is very hard to meet others that share non-narrow minded view points and that sometimes sucks and takes a strong person to stick with them. :-)
Jump his bones?
Kidding. Sort of.
Tackle him and beat him with a spatula until he asks you out.
Maybe his cousin knows something? Why else suggest him to you twice?
@Supacase Haha, yes… maybe his cousin does know something he isn’t saying because I didn’t let on that I was open to a relationship with him. Very real possibility. Should I dare to ask his cousin? :P
@Seek_Kolinahr thanks for the great answer. :) I’d definitely only be comfortable with a public event for the first time..
@becomingme
May I recommend that you do not do the “ask his cousin to ask him” thing.
It’s funny, my cousin had a crush on my husband before we got together, and she had a friend ask him if he’d be open to a relationship with her. That kind of junior-high behaviour is a major turn-off.
Don’t “ask the cousin to ask him,” just ask the cousin if there is any reason s/he has suggested this guy to you twice. Like, did he say is he interested or does the cousin just think they would be a good match?
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