How do I deal with my wife's revelation that she doesn't want children?

My feelings on this are that partners come and go, but children are forever. I would divorce a partner if they refused to have kids.

Welcome to Fluther!

How important is it for you to have children? What is more important, your wife, or your desire for children?

@FutureMemory Thank you, do you mind me asking if you have children?

@Dibley Thank you. Well, that’s just the problem. It seems important to me now, but for years the idea really didn’t appeal. All I can really say is that when she said what she said. I understood what people mean when they say their world was turned upside down.

I do not have kids. But I do want them, badly. I’m unmarried at the present time, but when I do get married this will definitely be a deal-breaker scenario for me. I didn’t feel this way when I was younger, though (I’m in my 30’s).

@Athamas Then I think you need to decide which is the most important. To me, I would rather be childless than be without my partner.

I would choose the relationship over children… who knows, maybe she’ll have a change of heart sometime later down the road.

I wouldn’t see that as a deal breaker in my mind though. I might be a bit upset in your shoes, but I’d stick it out with my wife and hope she changes her mind.

I suppose you could replace any birth control pills with fake ones :p

I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination (I’m quite the hardcore atheist, actually) but to me creating and raising a family is why we’re here – job number one.
I personally feel that marriage without children is kind of silly.

This should not be taken as any sort of attack on childless marriage, it’s just not what’s right for me.

As far as your specific situation, I think you should take some time to consider what’s most important in your life and what sacrifices you’re willing to make.

@FutureMemory @Dibley Thank you again. This has all been a big shock & I’m still struggling to know exactly how I feel about this. For the last year I had been expecting us to start planning for a family & now I don’t know if she’s been lying to me the whole time, or if this is a change of heart. I don’t know if this has any impact on your thinking but my wife is quite a high-powered person, a Dr. She’s older than me & is in her mid 30’s. She said there was just no way, given the way her career is developing that she could take a yr off. She also said that the only way she would have been prepared to have a baby is if she could stop working to bring it up. & Unfortunately she is the main earner & while I am on a decent salary, I could not replace her income & maintain our standards of living.

@Athamas Could you not stay at home and look after the baby? What is it about not wanting to have a baby is the problem? Is it because of something more?

My biggest worry for you is that, was this a premeditated thing? I’m not married, nor do I have kids, but I would have thought this was a subject that most people would have a fairly fixed opinion on, & not subject to too much change.

From what you’ve said it seems pretty clear she has made up her mind. The ball is in your court now, learn to accept her decision or consider a huge life change that may or may not result in kids. (not to mention being able to find another woman you could fall in love with and want to marry!)

@Dibley I’d be happy to. But as she pointed out she’d still need to take some time off to “have the thing”. I don’t want to gossip about her past, suffice to say her childhood was traumatic & this provides her motivation for working so hard, & to be frank, being the best at what she does. It also was the motivation for her not wanting children, however when she ‘changed her mind’ before, she said she was so happy as it felt like she finally had permission to be normal. It was this that convinced me to go through with the marriage, as before she said this I did have grave concerns & would have called it off had she said no.

@Athamas Have the thing?! That doesn’t sound great. What would she do if she fell pregnant, by accident?

@Dibley I honestly don’t know. We had discussed the possibility, & before last night she’d always said it would be one of those things & we’d deal with it. Although given the amount of protection she insists we use I don’t see that happening.

I have kids and they are the greatest achievement of my life and would not trade a single day or minute of this experience. I could rattle on that you did in a way participate in you and your wife’s original agreement to not have kids and even though you may have both had a change of heart I don’t see her current position on now not wanting kids as a big surprise based on the prior mutual agreement. So now it is up to you to make that big decision….kids or her. For me that would be easy as pie.

This is a tough one. It’s unlikely that she will change her mind, although I do know several women in similar career paths that did have children. In the long run, having children were good for the mothers, because it forced a level of balance on them. However, I’m not so sure their children would say they were wonderful mothers. The whole balancing act of high powered career and family is difficult, let alone the nine months of pregnancy.

How would you/she feel about adopting?

The hardest part of this is the realization that she is choosing her career over the relationship. Does she really understand how important this is to you? How is this going to impact how you feel about being married to her? Will you be able to adjust? Do you have couple friends where the wife is a doctor/lawyer and has children and a career?

I don’t understand why she wouldn’t be able to have a child, go back to work and allow you to take care of the baby… She wouldn’t have to take off thaaat much time.

If kids mean than much to you then it wouldn’t make sense to stay.
I also knew someone who said one of their reasons for marrying a certain person was to have kids…like a “breeder”—not my words—Lucky girl ;)

@RandomMrdan I don’t think it’s that she wouldn’t be able to go back. What she said is that if she were going to have a child, she would want to do it a certain way, or not at all. & That certain way is her stopping work for the first few years of the baby’s life.

@PandoraBoxx Personally, I would happily adopt, or foster. My wife on the other hand has long since dismissed these as possible options. I doubt she really understands how I’m feeling, to be honest, I’m struggling to know exactly how I feel myself. Logically I fully understand her point, the interference to our lives, the cost, the desire to do it ‘right’ or not at all. & I cant really counter her arguments with anything other than, ‘but’. I don’t have any friends in the position you described, she might, but I don’t really know her friends from work. They mostly seem to be contacts etc, people like consultants, hospital managers & CEO’s etc. A little bit beyond me.

We did not have children for two reasons. Injuries had caused my ladys tubes to be obstructed and abdominal injuries would have made pregnancy dangerous. We had discussed having a child by IVF, with Megs fem lover as host mother (our baby would have had a daddy and two mommies), but then I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. This killed the idea, as I don’t want to bring a child into the world with the same problems that I’ve faced. Knowing what I know now, I will never be a parent; I’m too old now anyway, I’d be in my mid 70s by the time the child was grown up.

Having children was never an issue in our marriage, as we were both ambivalent about it from the very beginning and we knew that Meg would never be able to carry a pregnancy.

@Athamas , I have been in your shoes, sort of.
It wasn’t a matter of if to have children, but how many.
Before we married, we agreed about this, but my husband changed his mind later.
I don’t think it’s right to try and force a person to have a child if they don’t want one, to trick a person into becoming a parent, although I do know women who have done this. I was in control of the birth control. It would have been easy to say Oops! I would never do that.
I don’t think that this was the only reason for the end of our marriage, but it certainly was the beginning of the end.

@RandomMrdan LOL you saw that episode from desparete housewives with Carlos manipulating the bith control of his wife when she said she didnt want any children! That’s a bad idea!
And @Athamas; she might have said it because she was looking for a specific answer, like you talking about your feelings about children or maby she’s insecure and feels like she wouldn’t be a good mother for example.
I’d only say something upsetting like that to my boyfriend if I was actually trying to tell him something else, about my own feelings, or when I’m not sure of something. Maby she just wants to make sure that you wouln’t want to have kids with someone else b/c you love her so much, and by leaving you would show her the exact oppisite. Like, “ok, well if you wont have kids with me then I’ll just find me someone who does.” She might be searching for “honey but I would only want to have your kids, please reconsider what you just said” and give her some time aswell.
Good luck!

@whyigottajoin. Haha thats funny, but I don’t watch that show and haven’t heard about that episode.

I hear how surprising and upsetting this has been for you. It is no wonder that you are reeling. It sounds like there are quite a few more conversations to be had between you and your SO. Peace to you both.

This is the sort of issue that reveals as much to us about our relationship and its dynamics as it does about each other’s personal desires. I hope for you both honesty and transparency.

Some women start getting more interested in children in their late thirties and early forties when they start hearing their biological clocks ticking down. You could wait and see if this happens, but there’s no guarantee.

This idea that she has to take a year off is probably just an excuse. There is plenty of evidence that children in daycare from the age of three months do just as well or even better than children who are with stay at home parents. We put both our children in daycare at three months. My wife felt a little guilty about it, but a decade later, she never even thinks about it. They are, of course, the most special children ever in the whole wide world, but that’s neither here nor there! ;-)

Your wife is gaining a lot of prestige in her job, and she doesn’t want to give it up. She believes there is a “Mommy track” and she doesn’t want to be shunted over onto that track. This may or may not be true. You might research it. It could be that women are doing just find career-wise in the medical profession even if they do have a child or two.

But I think these are all just excuses. I think she really doesn’t want to have a child and never will. I don’t know her, of course, so my feeling isn’t worth a hill of beans, but I’ll give it to you anyway.

So, how badly do you want children? Badly enough to leave this marriage? Badly enough that if you stay in the marriage you’ll be forever resentful?

Most of us have a strong urge to have children. If we didn’t have it, the species would die out. You have that urge. She doesn’t. You, however, would be satisfied with an adopted child, so that means you want to parent more than you want to pass on your genes. She clearly doesn’t want to parent. She’d resent the child no end, even if you adopted.

If you want to be a parent, I think you have to get out of this marriage. It will be no guarantee, but at least you will be trying. If worst comes to worst, you could adopt on your own. But, unless she honestly changes her mind, and comes to truly want a child, this will always be between you, and there will be resentment on both sides. Not good. Personally, I think your marriage is over. But again, I don’t know shit about you, so my advice isn’t worth the pixels used to display it. That’s what you get for asking a question like this online.

I think that it is a huge difference in preference, and it may (or may not have) led to you saying, “OK, lets get married.”

So now that things have changed, I think you may have to decide what is more important, b/c I don’t think “wanting to have children” is something you can just stop. So what do you want MORE. If you stay with her, she may change her mind, but don’t count on it.

My personal thought (from an outsider, granted it may be different if I were on the other side of things), is that it’s too big a deal, and that if you tried to make it work without having kids, you are sacrificing too much (beyond preference, our bodies are PROGRAMMED to want to reproduce), I think you will end up unhappy and things are going to end sooner or later.

Well this is certainly a difficult issue – it is her right to not want to have kids and it is your right to want to have ‘em – of course you love her so this makes it a problem because you don’t want to just drop out after so many years together. You might give yourself some time to think this over, to figure out if you’d be okay with this and maybe work with kids instead or something (it’s not the same but it’s something). If you can’t see a childless future, your future is not with this person.

If you love her deeply and want to stay with her, there are other outlets where “parenting” could occur. Being a great Uncle for example. She may not be “lying” as such, perhaps her career has taken off and her energy is low now, due to her commitment there. This could change in a few years. After forty a lot of women realize careers are not all they are cracked up to be. So it is not an entirely closed book so to speak. Perhaps give the idea time to settle in both of your minds. I think everyone here, pretty much gave you some great insights. After pondering it for a while you will make the right choice.

I seem to be finding my place in the world by being a mentor and teacher for young women with self-confidence problems. My style of gently explaining things and my willingness to listen to their troubles (without any ulterior romantic motives) seems to be what these young ladies need. My wife had often used me as an example of what a “good” man can be; not bossy, dominating or abusive. Maybe this is my karma, to carry on Megs work in this way, as a “trustworthy” male mentor; a father, uncle or grandfather figure that they don’t have to fear or play romantic games with. Teacher, protector, mentor, role model and mature friend they can confide in.

Can you live without her? You already know you can live without children.

Children are not the only way to cultivate your nurturing instincts.

Since both of you have changed your minds, it’s likely that one or both will change again. Give it a few more years to see how you feel. Don’t be rash. Don’t consider divorce or anything yet. Give yourself three years or so (but don’t set a deadline) and see how much your minds have changed by then. If they’ve changed very often, my advice would be to abstain from having children for your relationship’s and child’s sake- there could be resentment and that’s no way to raise a family. If you’ve both remained the same, then go from there. You’ll both have to weigh your worth for each other.

If I were you then I’d start asking questions and opening discussion as to why her change of heart again. Children are a HUGE issue between couples and this is horrible to have to happen to anyone gone this far into a relationship, sorry. Maybe she’s feeling after all these years together the two of you aren’t likely to be in a position anytime soon to support and raise children in a way she’d envisioned? Who knows but I’d look into it.

My husband’s first wife always told him she wanted children; then, the subject came up when they were in their mid-twenties – understand they were married at 18, and she had changed her mind. Her change-of-heart wasn’t due to a career, she just didn’t want to risk “wrecking” her body. her words My husband came from a situation where his father married women about as often you breathe. He waited a couple of more years – well, about 4 more years and she still hadn’t changed her mind. They divorced – that was one of the leading reasons…and her boyfriend. She later had two children with him.

When we were planning, he told me up front that it was important; however, since I already had a daughter, it was something he could live with -not having one of his own. I decided to see the doctor and start seeing the likelihood of conceiving. I had problems in the past. We struggled, but we had a son. We would have loved to have more. That’s just us, though.

Thing is, if she is focused on her career and really wants to move up the ladder, it’s going to be very time consuming for her. You may not want to rush out of the marriage; however, if she holds onto this feeling and you want children, it may not be the relationship you really stay in – as hard as that may be for you. If you keep asking, she might feel pressured and resentment then creeps in. Resentment may creep in on your side, if you give up you hope of having children.

It probably needs to calm down for a bit, then discussed again. When you aren’t quite as shell-shocked. That’s exactly how my husband said he felt. It’s tricky. No one can really tell you to stay or to go, but if she really doesn’t want a child, and you do – clearly, you are on different paths. I’d give it a little more time, though.

@Athamas I’m finding out now, much to my amazement, that biological parenthood is not necessary to have a caring and nuturing relationship. I’ve gone almost overnight from depressed, grieving widowhood to a warm, protective relationship with eight teenaged girls. Most of them come from dysfunctional home situations. As the sole male in this household, I initially feared that I would be overwhelmed by the responsibility of being a proper role model.

Far from this, I seem to be fitting naturally into this role of mentor and father/grandfather figure. I feel as if I have acquired eight daughters and all of the concern and protective instinct that goes with the role. In many of these young ladies experiences, I am the only non-abusive man they have ever known. I feel a huge responsibility towards them, but not in any oppressive way. This is an added dimension to my life that I am finding satisfying and fulfilling.

My late wife Meghan had been in a severely abusive situation before we met.After a lengthy period of physical and emotional recovery, Meg dedicated her life to helping abused women pick up the pieces of their lives. I fully supported her in this cause, but with the exception of Meghan herself, never felt it in a deeply personal way. I now feel myself transitioning from sharing in my wifes “cause” to experiencing this as a passionate avocation of my own. It deeply saddens me that Meg didn’t live to see this wonderful change in me.

I’ve found a reason to keep living and a role that I seem to fit into. While I will never be able to fill Megs role as a psychological counsellor, my niche seems to be demonstrating a positive male role model to girls and women who have never known such.

My apology for going so far off-topic in this response.

@whyigottajoin Now those are some possibilities I hadn’t considered. My wife is such an intelligent & powerful person it’s not easy to think of her doing something out of a sense of insecurity.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land I want to thank you for telling me about your life experiences with Megan, she sounds like she was a truly wonderful person & I cant begin to imagine how hard things have been for you since her passing. I’m quite sure she looks at what you’re doing now, your achievements, with a huge amount of pride. Take care.

I understand why you’re disappointed. At the same time, I agree with @tinyfaery. Don’t throw your marriage away in haste, but think carefully about where your priorities lie. Presumably, your wife is an important part of your life, or else you wouldn’t have stayed with her for 12 years. Do you want to get rid of a happy, loving relationship with someone you’ve known for so long, for the sake of one that doesn’t exist yet (meaning a hypothetical relationship with your potential future children)? Since you both seem to have changed your minds already, it could be that one of you will change your opinion again. Give it some time (perhaps a year or two) and see how both of you are feeling. If, after that time, you’re still eager to have children and she’s not, then you can decide what your next step will be.

I feel for you, but don’t push her. A baby deserves to have two parents happily awaiting its arrival.

@thriftymaid Thats one of my concerns too. I really dont want to have a child with someone who isnt 100% on board.