Arranged Marriage: Creepy or Cute?

I think it is creepy and would not settle for someone my parents chose for me. Their taste and my taste is completely different. Just because someone comes from a good family doesn’t mean the person is a good person.

I think it’s more complex than being either creepy or cute. For many cultures and for many centuries, arranged marriage was/is the way to go because a ‘love match’ is considered too volatile a reason to be with someone for the long term – and for some people it works if you just kind of want to be with a friend/civil room mate for the rest of your life – certainly if no great passion is involved, no great fights over passion will ensue. I know my best friend’s parents (living in Pakistan) wanted to arrange the marriage for him until they found out he’s gay. His brother is also gay and the third brother married for a ‘love match’ and wasn’t arranged – he is now divorced. I would never agree to being arranged for a marriage. I am a hopeless romantic.

It’s worked out before. I mean, just look at all those people 100 years ago (or so) with happy marriages. I’ve heard that in some cultures the parents will give the kid a choice between 3 or 4 different people. I’m with you though – I want to do it myself.

If parents helped to facilitate a marriage between two people who knew (or got to know) each other and could truly make their own decision, then that’s fine, and perhaps cute or sweet. Arranged marriages as they actually exist treat women and property and give the people involved no real choice. They are abhorrent to a modern society.

I think it is fine as long as the two people being arranged into it are fine with it. I also think that they should be able to get a divorce if the marriage doesn’t work out.

Just my opinion, however, I believe the whole concept to be complete bogus. Different culture or not, I am allowed to have an opinion that it’s stupid. It was originally done because marriage was a financial arrangement. It had nothing to do with love. It was about dowry and getting as much as possible out of it. It was selfish on the part of the parents and had nothing to do with the child’s best interests.

I believe that arranged marriages work in certain countries because they are so used to it that they feel they must accept the person they are arranged to marry, so they did and pushed the negatives aside. But I do not believe it is a good thing to do. Imagine how awful it must have been for homosexual children to be arranged to marry someone of the opposite sex…

Choosing someone to live with should not be the choice of the people who are going to live with and love each other, not the parents who were originally in it for money.

Creepy, not only that, but unfair, cruel, outdated and just plain wrong. Now don’t get me started on child marriages…

I think it is fine as long as the people getting married have the right to say no with any of the picks. Arranged marriage does not have to mean forced marriage.

If it’s between the two choices, definitely creepy for someone else to make the decision on who you’re going to spend the rest of your life with. What if they suck as people, are going to cheat on you and hit you?

Really, what’s so “creepy” about it? It’s not like modern marriage is any kind of panacea, is it? I’ve had two so far that didn’t “take”.

Neither creepy, nor cute. Culturally appropriate. Interesting that fewer of such marriages end in divorce than do romantic marriages. Food for thought.

The idea is that if you don’t expect love, you tend to work your way into it after many years of living together and working together (as a family). Romantic love paves the way to disappointment because everything is a comedown from the high of romance. Since there was no love at the start of an arranged marriage, there is nowhere to go but up.

I agree with @Simone_De_Beauvoir. Arranged marriages are apart of many cultures. It’s a more complex issue than just labeling it creepy (wrong) or cute (right).
I’m personally rather indifferent about it. Part of me doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it and the other part of me hates the idea of a forced marriage. I can’t imagine how unbearable it would be to be with someone you don’t love. Granted, arranged marriages don’t automatically mean forced marriages, but in some cultures, they do.

Interesting that fewer of such marriages end in divorce than do romantic marriages.

I’d guess that that has more to do with there being a stigma around getting a divorce in an arranged marriage, which would be a huge disappointment to your family. Not to mention many places that have arranged marriages frown upon divorce much greater than we do in Western society.

And since many non-arranged marriages work out fine (such as my parents’ marriage), I wouldn’t necessarily say that a marriage based on romantic love “paves the way for disappointment”.

Personally, it is not for me. It could work for others.

I agree with @DominicX that reasons for planned marriages lasting might be for many different reasons, including that cultures who utilize planned marriages probably have many more pressures both culturally and religiously for people to stay married. But, I do think that young people are kind of clueless on what marriage is really like, and so if parents and families are involved it might lead to better matches. The weird thing to me about a planned marriage is when they happen after just a few days of meeting each other. I think there should still be a courtship of some sort, not just families being in agreement and two young people who simply don’t find anything objectionable.

@wundayatta ‘there’s nowhere to go up’ – that’s depressing…what does it matter that these marriages don’t end in divorce if they aren’t full of love and passion…maybe I have a weird view of marriage?

I think it’s really creepy.

Your parents want the best for you, and what’s best in their experience is much different from what you want. They will ultimately choose your “match” for the wrong reasons (heritage, money). Your parents want stability for you and you want love. I don’t think I could ever sit comfortably with that, knowing that I married someone for other people’s reasons, especially if it’s something superficial like money.

It can work. The cultures that have arranged marriages have used them for a long time. The people in the marriage know that they’re in the marriage for reasons other than passion, and have more realistic expectations, I think. The point of marriage is a partnership to build something solid. I think that people in this society have a very unrealistic view of marriage, and that’s why we have so many divorces.

@Trillian But what do they have more realistic expectations of? A friendship, sure, a partnership but not love and imo that’s what it should be about. Love should come with passion but love isn’t all about passion. Passions fade but love, connecting your souls can last forever – I don’t think that this is any more likely in arranged marriages, whatsoever.

I think it’s creepy as hell. Arranged marriages are a remnant of an antiquated past and should be outlawed, that is, unless both bride and groom wish it to be. I don’t believe in marriage in the first place because so few actually know what they’re getting themselves into, but if you’re going to do it for any reason other than love, you’re an idiot.

50/50

@Simone_De_Beauvoir It may not have the “Hollywood” idea of passion, but if it begins with mutual respect, it can certainly grow into love, even a passionate one.
I personally think that passionate love like what Hollywood portrays is over rated and unrealistic for a long term concept. That doesn’t mean you can’t look at your partner of twenty or thirty years and have a passionate feeling sweep over you, I hope to have that myself at some point, just that there is more to a marriage than physical passion.

@Trillian Of course there’s more to marriage besides love and passion but there shouldn’t be less to marriage?

Arranged marriages work for a lot of people, not creepy or cute. A lot of research and consideration usually goes into one from people who are usually more reasonable, practical and thorough than those of us who “fall in love”. Romantic love can occur in arranged marriage, they’re not all between circus freaks you know.

@Neizvestnaya It can occur and I hope it does. I just don’t think this should be what everyone needs to do.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir
I like the idea of un arranged marriages stemming from spontaneous (sort of) romance better but wish couples would put as much research and work into it.

@Neizvestnaya Agreed.

Very medieval habit. It could work out for older people who find it hard to find a mate. Or, it could help extremely shy people. In the 21st century I don’t believe that educated, independent, attractive and healthy young people need match-makers, arranged marriages and such obsolete ways of meeting their other half!

Some countries have religious guidelines and arranged marriages and don’t take into consideration the two persons that are the ones that are going to be together. For me if I arrange two people to get together I hand it over to them and let them decide if it ever comes to fruition.

The ‘arranged’ part should be the meeting of the two people. The rest should come from them.

Good choice = Cute

Bad choice = Creepy

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Possibly. Maybe I’m just old and cynical. I no longer believe in the “kiss, music swells, fireworks in the background” kind of thing. If it really exists, I have no evidence of it. That doesn’t mean it’s not there. Or maybe I associate all that with “forever”. I’ve certainly had my share of fireworks, just no permanence. At this point, I’d rather have mutual respect, affection and a deep abiding love than “Le Grande Passion”.Maybe, I don;t know, we’re looking at the same ting from different angles.

@Trillian Yeah the deep abiding love needs to be there from the beginning, for me – I know that my partner and I have only been together for 3 years but nothing has changed in terms of passion or love or inspiration or joy – and if we have anything to do with it, we will make sure it stays that way. It does exist – and in your case, good thing you experienced it…love doesn’t have to last forever to be meaningful.

There has been some research that has tentatively posited that women seem to choose men who are very different, genetically, from themselves when they rated how attractive men were to them.

Arranged marriages are something that I balk at due to why they historically became arranged to begin with. I know many families really do take into consideration the feelings of their children when giving them a choice. But I know many families do not.

I had a good friend of mine, years ago, announce that her marriage had been arranged and she was only to meet him briefly before the ceremony the day before. She was scared…and I didn’t blame her. Actually, I tried like hell to talk her out of it. The family pressure was extraordinary and she went through with it. She was put on a plane and flown across the country…away from every support system she had once she was married. I lost contact with her. I have often wondered how she was.

The one you want to watch out for, seriously, is the “rearranged” marriage. Bad news.

Not just creepy DAMN creepy as in sex slaves and human trafficking. The vilest stuff on earth right across the septic tank from pedophiles.

@shf84 this is not an inherent thing because the marriage is arranged – this is because of worldwide sexism and power differentials and poor economies

granted it’s about power differentials but it’s also forcing your self into the most personal and privet space of another persons life and that is very wrong.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I so much enjoy exchanging views with you. I often feel that there just isn’t space of time enough to say all that I feel about something, and am afraid I will be misunderstood in consequence.
I guess my bottom line now is permanence. I don’t want to risk what I’m building of my life to have it taken from me down the road, which is inevitable with a parting of the ways. I want something that can’t be taken by another persons whims. If I have to be alone to get it, I’m willing.
As always, good talking with you. ;-)

@shf84 (when you reply put @ and then my user name) so that I know you responded because otherwise I won’t come back to the q.
@Trillian likewise.

I honestly really really really hate arranged marriages. However, that being said, arrange marriages are hardly forced. People who get into it, know what they are doing and often suggest to their parents that, that is what they want.
That being said, the divorce rates are low with arrange marriages because in most cultures, divorce is supposed to be a last resort type of thing and is often seen as putting the family in shame and bringing great dishonor.