What is the purpose of praising our children?

Yes, and tell them to be ready to kick their opponent off American Gladiator style before they suffer the same fate.

I always thought the purpose was “positive reinforcement”.

What do you suggest would be an acceptable alternative?

I don’t know. What is positive about our reinforcement?

Because it’s better than offering no praise at all, and teaching them that nothing is worth trying for unless it betters their life directly.

That is to reward and encourage them so they can always be the best. Appreciation can differ overtime and people that have already grown up will realize that it doesn’t matter anymore since they will do their best without this encouragement and they will learn self-rewarding.

What would happen if we did not praise, compliment, or degrade and insult? What would happen if we just accepted?

It helps them build self-confidence. It’s a shame that there is nothing for you at the top of the mountain. Hope the children find out what a crock that is.

@Doctor_D

How will anyone always be the best?

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies You’re teaching them to appreciate themselves, and you reinforce this by showing appreciation for their achievements. You’re not teaching them to “strive for the appreciation of others”.

If living is as dire as you present it, why have children at all?

@davidbetterman

I’m not so sure. Praise and compliments can also build false confidence.

You are wrong, and you obviously aren’t going to change your pessimistic tune.

What is “false” confidence? Either you’re confident or you’re not.

@SABOTEUR

Is our life doomed to a dire fate without the appreciation of others?

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies Then he/she won’t know if what he’s doing is a good job.

A child can always try to be the best if his/her parent always support him/her(by reward,praises,promise,etc) in childhood if he/she’s doing a good work.

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies No, but a little pat on the back doesn’t hurt anything.

Thats quitter talk.

@SABOTEUR

False confidence is thinking you are the best at something when you are not. I coach a little league baseball team. And yes, a pat on the back is a powerful tool. Our team is specifically made up of bad players that could not play on the good teams. I picked up all the slackers, and joined a slacker league. We build confidence in those boys by pitting them against others of the same caliber.

Yet when we do play a “Blue Chip” team, they soon discover that they are not nearly as good as they thought they were, and there is nothing that anyone can do about it. Training, practice, hard work… they will never be as good as the Blue Chip athletes. They are not athletes. We’re just trying to have some fun.

According to education researcher Alfie Kohn, the point of praising children is to teach them how to work for pay. That is, if we praise too much, they will stop working unless they get praise. What we want is for children to be intrinsically motivated. Working for praise, like working for money, is working for an extrinsic motivator. As soon as it goes away, you stop working.

Praise should be given rarely, and only when it is real, not fake. Too much praise, or praise given inappropriately, teaches kids to climb that mountain that has nothing on top.

People should work because they want to, not because that’s what they can get paid for. Of course, only a small portion of society does that. I’m not sure if they are the only ones who can do it, or if it would be possible for most, if not all people to work because they choose to. I’d like to imagine we could achieve that society some day.

Great answer @wundayatta. Very interesting.

What you describe is not “false” confidence…it’s delusion…but I see your point.

There is such a thing as “not throwing the baby out with the bath water”. You don’t stop encouraging children to prevent them from being misguided in their abilities, you simply don’t praise or encourage them when praise and encouragement is not appropriate.

wow….we praise to build self-esteem. I have poor self-esteem due to alot of negativity from my mother. That makes me such an under achiever. I still will move mountains, but it will but in spite of, of instead of with encouragement and community, in most cases.
it is the next generation that make the new changes needed for the world. give then the faith that their vision can come true and their destiny is great, or they will settle for mediocrity.

false confidence i guess could be called arrogance.

@jazmina88

You’re actually proving my point. You will move mountains in spite of no appreciation and even in spite of negative reinforcement. How then will building self esteem assist in promoting success if you have overcome that need?

going to walk the dog. returning later

I’m an under-achiever also.
It’s not because I didn’t get praise or I got too much praise.
I’m an underachiever because I realized at a young age it doesn’t require much for me to be happy or satisfied.

I have an exceptional strong spirit. but do not have financial security because of my upbringing. isnt that what our kids needs to prosper? and I’m glad Saboteur is satisfied, but it takes all kinds to move the world onward. Finding solutions to new problems. More dysfunction in families…poor economy. Why not give a verbal step up in praise and allow kids to dream of going to the top, or the White House? You can do everything you set your mind to. but is very hard to do with low self-esteem.

Well said, @jazmina88.
(Welcome to Fluther!)

Praising children helps them to develop self-esteem and a sense of competence. As they grow this positive reinforcement becomes internalized and they learn to give themselves credit for their own efforts and accomplishments.

This makes it possible to work in environments where their work is not always (ever) given the recognition and rewards it may deserve.

Where is @skfinkel when we need her?

positive reinforcement of acceptable behavior

I have always taught my boys that the only thing they have to be is good men. I give them what I can to make that possible. That is true success, in my opinion. As far as praise, I think the point, my point, is to give them enough so that when the world knocks them down, they still have enough left to get back up again.

“I don’t know. What is positive about our reinforcement?”

Ok… Lets go in the opposite direction.

You are ugly and your mother dresses you funny.

How’s that working for ya?

It lets them know that there are at least a couple of people who are in their corner. It helps them navigate a world which depreciates them more and more over time.

Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho’ your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you’ll never walk alone,
You’ll never walk alone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imyW_g1lzzA

I have also talked about this in response to janbb’s question: http://www.fluther.com/disc/76227/how-much-should-outside-affirmation-play-a-part-in-ones-self-esteem/

In our parenting we have focused on helping our children be internally/intrinsically motivated. Which practically means we rarely offer generic praise and say things like “good job” or “you’re great”. This doesn’t mean we are dour or don’t provide ‘positive reinforcement’, we can be quite animated and excited in our interchanges. We even believe that we are positively enforcing an internal sense of motivation. We also believe that it helps our children understand that behaviors, while reflective of who they are, do not define who they are.

For long example, today was my son’s last hockey game of the season, it ended as a tied game. He game off the ice and approached me with the biggest smile on his face! I returned the smile and offered a high five. The first thing out of my mouth was “Look at that smile, what did you think of the game?” He proceeded to give an elaborate description filled with all sorts of emotions and questions. It was wonderful to hear questions that were not geared towards “how did you think I did?” but rather “did you see when I did such and such with the puck?” He pointed out mistakes that were made as well as the great plays. He said he felt happy, felt like he did good work, and looked forward to learning more during summer camp. Finally, after the pizza feast was over, the last “see ya later’s” were said, and we were slugging the equipment back to the car he asked me “what did you think of the game?” I pointed out something another player and he did that was quite dazzling stating “I yelled so loud and was so excited!” and noted a play where he ended up flat on his butt and said “that must have hurt”. To which he responded with yet again getting lost in his experience of the game.

Neither of my children are people pleasers. They generally integrate experiences as right or wrong and worth doing for themselves, based on their internal barometer, rather than our tacit approval (or disapproval). While they certainly don’t disdain it when someone directly and generically praises them with a “good job” or “that’s terrific” they certainly don’t think something is off when they don’t hear such kudos. Our approach also effects their relationship with negative evaluations, but that is for another topic.

Finally, I am not saying our parenting approach is exclusive to making this happen or that it will even work for another family. I am saying it has worked for ours.

@liminal How did you learn this approach?