How do I get over my annoyance with my boyfriend's ex?

Leave ASAP. Don’t be a mom to some guys kids.

Actually marry him first, then leave so you can take all his and her $$$

@FlutherAlot I’ve never met his kids

It doesn’t sound like they have been broke up very long and it seems she still carries a torch for him.Good luck

Well, you did say you knew what you were getting into so either be accepting and deal with it or pick-up and go.

It’s tough because you could easily be perceived as trying to get between them (as parents). But clearly she expects more than that.

I would ask him what he expects for boundaries between he and his ex. Sure they must parent together, but what else is he OK with (errands, chatting etc.).

Basically, whatever he says he’s OK with, you’re gonna have to be OK with too.

Otherwise, you need a new boyfriend. Sorry.

My daughter is in the other womans position. She has a son with a guy who thinks he is Johnny Appleseed. She doesn’t want his attention for her, but demands it for her son, who wants to see his dad. His dad is pretty good about this, but I understand how awkward it must be for him, while dealing with any new relationship

You are probably going to do better in a relationship with someone that does not have children from a past relationship. It’s wonderful that they get along well and can communicate; far better than her referring to her in hateful, spiteful terms.

I would take the fact that you have not met his children as a sign that he’s not sure about you and your place in his life.

He sounds like a great dad.

If you are going to stay with this fellow you are going to have to set some boundaries toot sweet. He should absolutely be in contact with his children, but his relationship with their mother should be a business relationship and nothing else.

I am recently divorced from the father of my three children and have just been through the process of renegotiating our relationship to be in the best interest of all concerned. I have to remember that it is best for my kids that I have a civil relationship with their father, but that we are no longer married and he is nothing more than a partner in raising our children. If your man doesn’t see this I am afraid your relationship is headed for trouble.

Getting involved with a decent parent will always put you in second position.

Your jealousy is your issue. If she is asking more of him than he wants to give, that’s up to him. If you make it a problem in your relationship he might decide he doesn’t want to put up with you pressure. Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant to tie him closer to you, don;t get married or pregnant at all until you deal with your jealousy.

I know he has strong feelings for me, we’re together every day, and he’s said things that indicate he really likes me. I I actually think it’s too soon to meet his children, and am willing to wait until he’s ready. We have been together for 4 months, but I’ve known him for years. When we first started hanging out after his breakup with his ex, they were done for 6 months. She even wrote me letters telling how done she is with him. Thanks for the responses so far…there’s some great ones.

@galileogirl I do not have raging jealousy. Just small tinges sometimes. I don’t think it’s something I really need to control. And yes, I’m fully aware of not having kids with someone to pull him closer to me.

I think you can bring it up if you have a good relationship with him, but I don’t see how you have any wiggle room considering it seems like you knew what was going on from the get go and you willingly got involved, which seems like a nonverbal agreement to take the bad with the good.

It reminds me of the relationship between Alan and Judith on Two and a Half Men.

@mrrich724 Very true. I did know what I was getting into, and since I really care about him, I was willing to put up with it. And I still am. Wow and there she is calling!

What’s the guy doing about it?

You are a rebound…he hasn’t let go. Put your foot down but be prepared to see it for what it is. He will forever be tied with this woman and from the sounds of it she is playing him for all he is worth. He is being used and so are you. Give yourself some “me” time…you deserve it!

He needs to think about setting boundaries with her. He needs to be the one to tel her not to call so often, and only to call if it involves the welfare of the children. He needs to not be available to do little errands.

You can ask him about how he feels about her calls. You can mention that you have noticed how often she calls, and how it is not always about the children. You can even tell him it bothers you a little bit. Then leave the ball in his court to think about things and get back to you on whether he is willing to change.

Next step if he is not is to decide whether you want to make him taking her calls all the time a deal breaker for your relationship.

@marinelife

I don’t think he needs to do any of that stuff. It seems like he doesn’t mind doing those things. He “laughs” on the phone with her etc.

And I’m sure if he didn’t like the calls he’d probably hang up the phone and be like “ugh, Gosh” but it doesn’t seem like he’s doing that.

I agree with the OP, I would be mildy jealous, and majorly annoyed, but a successful relationship doesn’t work when one person is happy, and then the second person comes in and decides “I knew this was going on, and I just don’t like it so now we are going to have to talk about it, and you have to set up boudaries, and it all has to change”

Especially b/c it seems like he’s ok with it, and more importantly because it’s not just him and his ex, I think things are really complicated by the fact that the children are also involved.

@Freedom_Issues
How many of those favors she asks for personal favors, and how many somehow directly or indirectly relate to the children, or her ability to raise them? Just curious . . .

@mrrich724 He is annoyed by her, but makes nice so parenting goes smoother for them. He’s not really ok with her calling all the time, but puts up with it because, I think you’re right, he indirectly is helping out, and being a good parent.

@mrrich724 I don’t think there is any evidence that he likes what is happening. He may not have thought about it, and it may have just evolved as a pattern.

Well if he is annoyed, he really might have to draw some sort of lines in the sand, I mean they are both parents of the children and if, when he has them, he can successfully “handle them” without calling her 100 x a day, then she should be able to do the same.

There is one other thing…he never mentions that he’s with me when she calls. She wanted him to take the girls shopping with her for new clothes, he hung up with her to discuss it with me, and then called her back and said he was in the bathroom!!!! She knows about us, and he says he just doesn’t want her to get involved in our relationship. Maybe THAT is something I will have to discuss with him.

Yea, that would bug the shit out of me. I mean personally, if he never ever wants her to know he’s with you, I would think (but maybe I’m mildly paranoid) that he thinks there might be a chance for them, and doesn’t want her to know he’s really involved with someone else.

The kids are one thing, and extending himself to make sure they have a better life is ok, but going out of his way to keep you “hidden” is not something I could imagine any S/O being ok with.

@mrrich724 I hope that’s not the case, but I am going to ask him why he never mentions he’s with me. She is kind of overbearing, and controlling, and seemingly manipulative (she used to write me letters) so I’m trying to understand his side. Ah well…I’ll bring it up to him when he gets back.

It sounds like his purpose for being with you is to help him get over his children’s mother. It may change over time, if you can stand it. If her calls really annoyed him he would put a stop to them. There is nothing you can do to change him, his feelings, or his behavior. You can only decide what you are willing to do.

OMG, she wrote you letters? Good luck.

@thriftymaid I don’t think he’s using me. Maybe in the beginning I could have been a nice distraction for him, but things between us have developed into a real relationship.

I didn’t mean the letters comment as sarcasm BTW. I just think that’s a sign that she’s way to intrusive in his life apart from his children.

Oh, Freedom issues- this is a sticky one. Everyone above has given pretty good advice, but a couple of things.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all – and I think this kind of behavior would cause even the most confident and stable in a relationship to go insane. Every day? There’s simply no reason why their correspondence has to carry on like that. The fact is, he is till treating her as his primary relationship and you’re kind of getting the scraps. Of course it feels like shit and you’re completely justified in having these responses.

I think you should be honest with yourself and question whether or not he would get back together with her, if given the option. If it’s even in the ‘maybe’ category, I think you should start thinking of getting out of it. If not, and you’re certain he’s committed to you, and only you, tell him you want boundaries immediately that involve her in your lives on an absolute needs-only basis. You really need to stick up for yourself or you will always take the back seat to her.

@mrrich724 I didn’t take it as sarcasm. And you’re right, she is very intrusive, and the thing that irks me is she has no interest in being with him.

@figbash Very good advice, thanks. It makes me think. I don’t think I’m getting the scraps, he always answers my calls, and calls me all the time. He rarely calls her. He dreads going to see her, or that’s how he acts at least, and him and I are very happy spending time with eachother. I don’t think he would go back with her. There are holes all over the house from her throwing things at him. I think he may treat her, as you say, as his primary relationship because he has kids with her and feels an obligation.

@Freedom_Issues If you don’t lay it on the line for him how you feel and then let him decide, you’re going to continue to be unhappy. It is unreasonable for him to keep your presence an unknown. Is he afraid of her reaction? Not a good sign. It is unreasonable for her to continually call until he responds. that indicates ownership issues for her. She has let him go but apparently doesn’t want him to be available for someone else. That’s a problem.
In a relationship, lots of it has to do with how much of the other person’s crap one is willing to put up with.
You cannot stop him from being in the children’s lives, not do I believe that you want to. But the thing with the ex stinks to high heaven to me. If she is a controlling person and he allows it, it may be more trouble than it is worth in the long run. Ask yourself if you want this kind of thing in your life for the next ten or fifteen years.
Personally, I’m all through sharing something that should be mine, or at least I’m through not being in the front seat. I need to be first for someone or alone. The view from the bottom of a priority list never improves.

@Trillian Bravo. I very much want to be the first woman in his life, and think I am, and understand being second to his kids. I’m okay with that. Now that I’ve discussed this, the only thing that bothers me is how he doesn’t say he’s with me when on the phone with her. I’m at his house right now, and he is at Old Navy clothes shopping for his kids with her, and I’ll talk to him when he gets back and go from there. Thanks again everybody.

why don’t you talk to him? tell him how you feel. if the situation doesn’t change then leave him. it would be for the best.

@crazy_twilight_chick That’s what I’m planning on doing when he gets home (talking to him I mean). Thank you.

no prob. can you answer my question next? its on my profile

From a few past experiences I can tell you it’s better if he is amicable with his ex rather than raging and moping. Depending on when the two of you started seeing each other in relation to their split then it’s not unheard of for him to still feel love for her but it might be the love of the past and of the family rather than of her and who she’s become for the split to have occured in the first place.

Why don’t you talk together and tell him you like the idea of them not being the typical fighting exes even though you are a bit jealous at times because he needs to hear from you what’s acceptable, expected and also truthful about your feelings in this. People who take up with a partner who’s got kids and ex/s deserve some explanations and reassurances, it’s not an easy thing to come in and say you’ll accept always being less than #1 and that’s exactly what the position is, for better or worse.

@Freedom_Issues Exatly who said anything aboit ‘raging’ jealousy? Oh yes, that was you! Who brought up jealousy in the 1st place? ” I also feel little tinges of jealousy” Oh yes, you again!!

If you ask for advice, you may get some you don’t like. Your choices are to pay attention or not. But it is uncool to try to start an argument with someone who offered a reasonable suggestion. Even if it was uncomfortably close to home.

Well first of all don’t be jealous, she is old news. The kids will always pull them together and it is a good thing. You sound mature as you said you realized the package you were getting into. I agree though, their calls should be a bit more constructed, not random, unless it is an emergency. You can only talk to him, and tell him you find constant calls and infringement of your privacy. But that you do realize she does have to contact him from time to time and work it out from there.

I think you’re perfectly right to be concerned over this situation, it would set alarm bells off in anyone’s head! She’s on the phone non stop, he was with her 5 yrs & has 2 kids, he loved her & she dumped him, he does lots of favours for her… I hate to say it but there’s only one way this is heading if it continues like this. He’s gonna end up doing the horizontal monster mash with her!

hi, i can answer your question. If he is communicating with his ex on the regular, you need to check that. For the simple fact that it’s his ex, but just because the have kids together doesn’t mean that they are suppose to act like they are still a couple. i have three girls and both of my daddy’s and myself don’t even talk at all unless it’s about the girls, and that’s every once in a blue moon. if i found out that my man was talking and laughing on the phone with his ex period, OH, TRUST AND BEST BELIEVE IT WILL BE SOME MAJOR PROBLEM. Girl, watch out for a massive Heart attack, save yourself the drama, if he loves you like that, then he will not jepeodize the relationship. i have a fiance’ and he felt the same way you did, but the difference is i respect my man enough not to do that to him. if i didn’t want my man, i wouldn’t be with him, so yeah, you need to bring it up next time or everytime you talk with. Take care, blackpearl29

@blackpearl29 Sorry to hear that you seldom talk to your children’s father. That would indicate limited visitation or a very tense environment during pick up and drop off. Either way the children will be affected. Why couldn’t there be relaxed pleasantries. I don’t mean ask the guys in for coffee but why not a “How’re ya doing?” “Ask Susie about her spelling test, she did great” “you guys have fun, see you on Sunday” Much healthier for the kids.

@galileogirl Are you okay? I think I’m being pretty level headed here. Sounds like you have some attack issues you need to work out. Have you not gotten laid in awhile? Or is something shoved far up your butt and you let out your tension through your fingers? Please don’t comment on my posts until you get your surgery.

Thank you to everyone else.