How do I value my life? How can I not value my life? It’s the only thing I have that truly matters. Without life, nothing else is possible, or, to be specific, I can not be aware of anything unless I am alive.
Why not commit suicide and have it over with? You only get one chance with this gift: life. Even if it is more painful than you can bear and the pain will go on forever, you still have only one chance. If you decide to give it up—no more chances.
I have considered suicide. I have experienced that kind of pain. I considered it, but I rejected it. I learned that the idea of suicide is a way of telling myself that I am in incredible pain.
That seems like a big “duh!” Except there are two kinds of pain. There is the pain you feel in every nerve of you body and in every moment of consciousness. That’s one kind of pain. Then there’s your awareness of the thing called pain. That awareness also comes with it’s own gift. It says that there doesn’t have to be pain. Not forever. By realizing you are experiencing pain, you point it out to yourself, instead of being totally involved in it. It provides you with separation from the pain.
That’s how suicide—or the thought of suicide—is useful. It is the place from which you can get out. If you get out, then life can seem like a gift again.
Some people take that idea of suicide in a different way. They think of it as a demand for a plan and the execution of the plan. That’s when you haven’t separated yourself from your experience. Then you are just an animal, carrying out it’s programming.
Indeed, some of us are programmed to give up the only gift that matters. Some of us manage to beat that programming, and when we come back, we have been changed. We have each received another gift. It’s as if we’ve received the gift of life a second time. It’s like other near death experiences. It can give you the need to give back to the gift.
It is a wonderful thing to come back from the dead. I just hope I never have to do it again.