How to deal with a teenaged girls "crush"?

You can tell her that it is totally inappropriate for the two of you to be anything but employer/employee. If she’s not really interested in you, that will be welcome for her to hear; if she is it will help discourage her. In the meantime don’t be alone with her anywhere.

If there has been nothing overt on her part, I think you can probably discourage her by being more physically and verbally distant. As @dpworkin says, you should not be alone with her, and you should probably remove yourself from a mentoring role. Teenage girls’ hearts break easily but do mend; if non-verbal actions and distance do not solve the problem, you may have to speak to her.

You are thinking about this way too much! You reputation is already being tarnished by the rumor mill and you best make an obvious gesture to discourage her overtures before your reputation is permanently ruined!

You must tell her that though you’re somewhat flattered, given your age difference, work relationship and your wife’s recent passing, nothing can ever happen, ever.

I think not being alone with her is crucial. You should never be in a place with her that you cannot be observed by other people. This is to prevent rumors as well as to protect yourself from a woman scorned. If she becomes angry at being rejected or whatever else, you want to be certain that you have a strong alibi for any accusations, namely the constant presence of other people.

Just let her know in a polite manner that you couldn’t ever have another relationship after the death of Meghan.

I don’t think you need to communicate anything overtly unless she does.

Take advantage of her ability to understand social cues. Most people understand that if someone doesn’t flirt back or show any signs of interest, that person isn’t interested. With any luck, she’ll figure it out.

If she doesn’t, and it gets to the point where she does make a move, you can then explain to her what you’ve explained to us here.

She is only 17. She’ll get over in a day.

You crush it.

You stud. ;-)

I’d strongly advise letting your emplyers know whats going on first, just incase anything dodgy is said at a later date. Then I’d sit her down, preferably with a witness present, & tell how it is. She’s young & resilient, she’ll get over it.

Wow. That’s creepy. Do something insanely rediculous and make yourself look like a total freak and maybe she won’t like you anymore.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land You said: Last night, my late wifes girlfriend told me that this young lady apparantly has romantic ideas towards me and that we have been the subject of gossip among the other young ladies working here for at least a week. This young lady has made no physical advances toward me and I have done nothing to encourage her; nothing improper has occurred.

Don’t take the story too seriously coming from a third party observer. If you’re not looking for any romantic or intimate relationship, just go about doing your own business. If the situation arises, then that is the time you react to it. Confronting her too soon may prove disastrous for you as it may be construed as being too forward and/or presumptious. In the meantime, keep the advices mentioned here in your backpocket.

There seem to be two camps here; those who remember what it was like to have a teenage crush and those who are worried about sexual harrassment charges. I think @nikipedia and I are suggesting a more nuanced approach about using distance to see if the point can be made. I don’t think you have to bring out the big guns of exposing her to embarassment but telling everyone what’s going on. This kind of thing happens all the time and you should be able to discourage it tactfully. If she doesn’t get the message then you can take further action.

Girls have crushes all the time. She may be mooning around you with calf eyes, but that is not a problem.

What is a problem is if she does anything overt. Avoid her hanging around after a teaching session and asking questions. Avoid being alone with her.

I would agree with janbb and nikipedia not to talk to her. unless it becomes necessary.

@dpworkin @njnyjobs You raise a point that I never considered; that she may be a victim of gossip in this situation. By saying anything to her directly about this, I might be increasing her hurt and embarassment over this. This young lady has made no overt advances toward me (at least that I can detect with my limited social skills). I’ll follow the advice of never being alone with her.. I never suspected that anything was going on, so being told about this gossip and rumors caught me completely off-balance. Right now I feel like throwing my gear in the truck and heading back to the cabin, permanently. If this is what I’ll have to live with working with other people, then to hell with it, I’d rather live as a hermit.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land It’s just part of being in the world and it’s where you need to be.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land As long as you are working with youngin’s it is the sort of thing you will probably deal with frequently. In particular, you are working with girls who have had some troubled times. Lots of confusing feelings are bound to be flying around. Crushes between the girls as well as crushes on other adults are bound to happen. Sometimes it is important to remember that crushes are not always romantic. Sometimes hurting kids are drawn to adults they admire because it is something missing from their life. I wonder if it would help to figure out how to wear a “dad hat” in your mind (of course to them you remain a mentor). Treat crushes (whether romantic or not) as if it is a friend of your child’s.

It makes sense to me to keep talking with the other adults. It is important that the adult’s are seen as working together and as a team to lead the other girls. Gossip can be used to divide and conquer. As adults don’t get distracted by it.

The problem is that you don’t trust your social skills. I don’t think you are so different from other men. I have learned that moves that women think are blaring foghorns are totally invisible to many men. I have been totally oblivious to signals both in the real world and online.

I think that if you do nothing in response, the woman should quickly get the idea you aren’t interested. Ignore it. Just be professional. Nothing more than her employer. That’ll be easy for you, anyway.

And I wouldn’t worry about the gossip. Your wife’s girlfriend probably shouldn’t have worried you with this. It’s really irrelevant to you, I think. Continue to be your distant and professional self, and there should be no need to do anything else.

@janbb If this is what “being in the world” is all about, I’d prefer my solitary grief.

@wundayatta I’ve never been able to read nonverbal signals even from men; my conscience is clear in this matter. My entire adult life was in the military, “gossip” was something I never had to deal with.That sort of thing never reached the officer level (one of a top sergeants jobs is to stamp out such things).
I thought that I was being friendly and helpful, in return I get a load of crap dumped on me. I learned long ago that I have no social skills to trust, I’ve always relied on my professional skills to succeed.

@liminal I don’t know how to wear a “dad hat”, but I know quite well how to wear a colonels hat. The payback for this gossip-mongering is that this operation will henceforth be run like an Engineer Brigade instead of a family farm. I don’t have and never will have Meghans skills at working with young ladies from abusive backgrounds. After this season, I’m running this farm as a business venture rather than a social welfare service. I was beginning to develop some faith in human nature and satisfaction in altruistic action. That has all disappeared now.

@ChazMaz I don’t feel like a stud, but like I’ve been stabbed in the back. I don’t know who held the knife. No more Mr. Nice Guy, I’m not even going to eat with them anymore, much less cook for them. My only contact with them will be posting job assignments at the beginning of the day and recieving reports at days end. No attempts at social interaction whatsoever.

I hope you see that it wasn’t the young girl who dumped that “load of crap” on you.

I did a very short stint as a teacher and this was a chronic problem, as it is for most teachers. The best advice I received and pass to you is; ignore it, do your job, and keep your door open at all times. Young people have crushes all the time, and if you continue to work with young people, there will be others. People gossip all the time, and after this, they will gossip about something else. But it doesn’t need to effect your life or how you do your job. I would forget about it and go back to living your life normally. If you don’t do anything overtly, it will probably blow over in a week or two. The less energy you put into it, the sooner it will be history.

I have had a similar experience, lately. The woman wasn’t 17 but she’s at least 25 years younger than me. I didn’t say anything but made a point of not getting too close and made an effort when we went to lunch a third or fourth person came along. Now most of our conversations are by phone. When she starts to turn the conversation towards personal issues, I steer them back to business.

I like her and she’s a valuable employee but that’s it, nothing romantic. My wife is all that I can handle.

@liminal I really don’t know who dumped this on me,so all will have to take the consequences equally. I was trying to do what I though Meghan would have done, treating them all with compassion as if they were my daughters. Obviously my abilities don’t lie in that area, so I’ll have to revert to the way I’m trained to manage things: detachment, planning, issuing orders and demanding accountablity.

@stump I’m obviously not cut out to fill a teacher/mentor role. After this season is over, my hiring practices will be based exclusively on proven ability, not altruism. You’re absolutely right, the only way I can deal with this is by eliminating all social contact with them and treat them as a business owner, not a social worker.

@Ron_C My wife was 20 years younger than me, so I made the mistake of assuming that age was not an issue in dealing with these young ladies. I failed to realize that Meghan was much more mature and level-headed than her years. I’ve had no experience with teenaged girls (even when I was a teenager, since I didn’t socialize) and didn’t realize how ungrateful, vicious and scheming they are. Lesson learned.

Wow – way to go totally negative and to extremes. Can’t you see this as a learning experience and moderate your behavior instead of totally reversing it?

@Ron_C I’m the father of former teenage girls. I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would date them. They are just scary and uninformed. The fact that your wife is more mature than usual is lucky for you. I wouldn’t call my kids, when they were teenagers, viscious but neither would I date them.

It is good advice for anyone to date within your age group, probably + or – 5 years. Since the questionier isn’t considering dating, his best bet is to immediately put distance between himself and the kid.

For starters I’d stop making a mountain out of a molehill, you’re understandably flattered but you’re overreacting and you’re going to cause the scandal you’re worried so much about. Second until the girl does something to confirm this crush you’re reacting to the same rumor mill you’re afraid of.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land I do think it is a shame that you are using this as an excuse to draw back away from interaction with people.

@Silhouette I’m not flattered but offended and afraid of being falsely accused of improper behaviour. I’ve had no romantic desires since Meghan died and I want it to stay that way. How could I cause a scandal by totally distancing myself from all of these girls?

@janbb What other option do I have? Anything I do is going to be misinterpreted, so the safest path I can see is to eliminate all social contact with all of these girls. I don’t know who the guilty party is, only that it’s not me. If I have to choose, I’d rather be though of as cold and distant than as some kind of sexual predator. I don’t know of any “middle path” in this situation.

@Ron_C I have no intention of ever dating anyone. If anyone is acting like a scheming predator, it’s one or more of these girls. Either one of them is trying to entice me into an unwanted relationship or others are trying to ruin my reputation with unfounded rumors.

It seems like the more I think about this, the more upset and frightened I become. Right now I just want to pack my things and leave. I am unable to interpret the intentions of others and have no aptitude to learn. This incident is just another confirmation that I have no ability to interact socially with others and that I have made a huge mistake by trying.

I know that I have a tendency to overreact, but years of experience have taught me that my overreactions tend to be in the direction of safety. I can’t stop the gossip and rumors, but I can remove myself from the situation. If I decide to leave, I’m going to make it very clear, in writing, why I’m leaving.

I suppose that I have another alternative; I could simple fire all of them. Spreading gossip about the boss is as good a reason as any, not that I have to give any reason at all.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land Flattered or offended it just seems like you’re overreacting, at least from where I’m sitting. You’re the boss, shitcan the lot of them if it will make you feel better, safer.

I’m sorry about the extreme negativity of my responses. I’m totally confused and just verbalizing what I feel. I suppose another option is totally ignore the situation, pretend that I never heard about the rumors and revise the work assignments so that I am never anywhere near this girl, but without stating any reason for doing so. Either she will get the message that I don’t want to be around her or the rumor-mongers will have nothing to gossip about.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land Sounds sensible.

@Silhouette I’ll only explain to the adult who brought this to my attention that I’m deliberately ignoring it.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land That sounds like a good plan.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land That too sounds sensible.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land I agree with the revised plan!

Sounds reasoned.

I commend you for working so hard to think this problem through so thoroughly. There are many others who are much more “socially aware” who wouldn’t bother, and either hurt the girls or themselves. Bravo!

And I like the idea of you moving the offending kid(s) to where they never see or talk to you. Very cool headed response.

Once again, the Fluther collective has saved my butt. Thank you so much for the helpful ideas and listening to my ranting.

The only human-relations area where I has any expertise is in commanding troops. In working with teenaged girls, I though that I was continuing Meghans work. But I don’t have Megs training or insights. I approached this project with good will and expected such in return.

When I was informed to these rumors, I responded as if I was being attacked, but not knowing who was attacking me or the nature of their “weapons”. My thinking reverted to my training, pull back and “call in an air strike”.

After recieving your wonderful input and having a long talk with Genevive (my business partner and the adult who reported this to me), I’ve learned that the way these girls are acting is normal behaviour for teenaged girls; that working closely with one of them will trigger gossip and rumors from the others. Not knowing how teenaged girls minds work (or anybodys mind for that matter), I innocently blundered into a minefield. Genevive didn’t realize that I didn’t know anything about teen girls, so hadn’t advised me against what I was unwittingly doing; I was the “boss”, so I must know what I’m doing (not so, but she couldn’t know that). I was deploying them like troops, but treating them with the gentleness that I had seen Meghan use, not realizing that if a man acts that way, it will be misinterpreted.

I’m now aware that I shouldn’t spend too much time with any one of them (rumor bait) and if one of them needs help, to do it with witnesses present (self protection).

Learning achieved. Young girls are not troops, but niether are they an enemy. They have to be managed differently. I’ve made the scheduling and deployment changes; Gen will report back to me on the status of the “rumor mill”.

Again, thank you all so much in helping this old soldier learn a lesson in human relations. Hopefully, mission accomplished.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land Another step forward, good for you.

Way to press in! I admire you for sticking it out and I am glad to hear you working as a team with Genevive.

I’m also “hammering the message home” further by working completely alone, not eating with them and not hanging out with them after working hours. I hope this will deliver a message even without explaining anything; let them figure it out on their own. The only side of me any of them sees is “the boss”. Maybe I can ease off on this in a few weeks, it’s not exactly convenient for me to leave the farm at lunch and dinner to eat alone at a restaurant.

I think you can arrange to eat at the farm, but eat alone (be working on paperwork, etc), or with other adults. Eating out is expensive and time consuming. I think you can do this.

More self preservation stuff: Try to never have a meal alone with a woman, unless you are CERTAIN it won’t also turn the gossip wheel. Likewise, when you have to talk to a woman in a private situation, do it with someone else there, or with the door open, to help keep the gossip from starting.

This is an intriguing discussion started by an intriguing individual..I love Fluther!

To update this thread: It turns out that there was nothing behind the rumors. The young lady returned to Quebec and graduated from high school in June. She now lives with me, not as an employee. We are in the very early stages of what we hope will be a long and happy relationship. I’m still struggling with grief issues and J has issues of her own, I hope we can resolve these.

Thank you so much for your kind advice and support, folks!

I’m confused!

@kikibirdjones You’re not the only one.

Yep, creepy as hell. I’m sorry @stranger_in_a_strange_land, but, it is…

I know it’s tempting. But unless you want to go to jail, don’t touch that! I know it sounds cruel, but for the sake of your own freedom, you should just break all contact cold.

He’s left us! Now we will never know. I’m sad kittens.