[NSFW] How does masturbation affect a romantic relationship?

No, I do not believe any of the statements are true. Masturbation (if it doesn’t prevent you from going on with your daily life) is completely healthy and shows awareness of one’s body and can lead to a better sex life because it makes one familiar with their pleasure. Masturbation has never affected me negatively.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir very well said

Sounds like someone was projecting their own issues on to everyone else. The very notion is preposterous. I have been through periods where I masturbated every day for long periods of time and it has had no impact on my desire or interest in my partner. I’ll take my wife over my hand any day, any time. Right now I’m completely bored with masturbation and can’t wait until my wife is fit for duty and in the mood again.

This sounds like it was written generically but might be applicable to some degree to those with sexual addiction which is focused in masturbation.

I agree with @Simone_De_Beauvoir . I masturbate a lot and doesn’t affect my relationship. I have a high sex drive. My partner is ok with it, so there is no problem.

Masturbation has been a faithful friend to me for many years. I can’t say enough about it. Three cheers for self-pleasure! Hip hip hooray!!

Personally, it all sounds like old bollocks to me. & being that this individual is Christian I hardly think they have the moral authority to discuss peoples private sexual practices!

Pppppbbbbbssstttt! One would think the stigma would be off masturbation by now. We should all know by now that it won’t make us blind.

Masturbation is normal & healthy..however..it can desensitise one and dilute interest, response if ‘abused’...lol

So can pornography…sexuality is ultimately about intimacy on all levels with another, not isolated tension release.

My theory is that if I want to enjoy the main course I won’t spoil my appetite beforehand! lolol

Apparently, this author isn’t the only one to believe this. I’ve been attending Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meetings, and some people there want to stop masturbating entirely. I don’t know why, but I’m speculating that it is something like this author suggests. They believe that masturbation gets between them and healthy intimacy.

I know that for some couples, men can disappear to computer porn, and never spend time with their wives. Their wives hate it, of course. The men become obsessed with porn and constant masturbation. Orgasms generate a high just like other drugs or alcohol do.

I think that at the extremes, masturbation can have a negative effect on intimate relationships. But I think that most men can masturbate in moderation, and generally prefer a real woman to their hand.

Nothing wrong in having a good tug now & then, my Doctor recommends it! ;-)
I did have a girlfriend once who frowned on my solo activity, she complained I should save myself for her :-/
so I took the batteries out of her vibrator ;-)

I think you need to stay away from “Christian self-help guru’s.”

“Do you believe any of these statements are true? ”
They all are. Too much excess of anything can have a down side.

masturbation = No partner

Partner = No masturbation

Just how I roll.

Spanking one’s monkey as far as i’m aware, never hurt anyone.Except the monkey if it’s over done a little.

Well..as a ‘mature’ woman, one who has seen the rise of porn from a novelty in the mid-70’s to the home porn invasion of the advet of VCR’s & video stores, to the gross pervasiveness of internet porn, strip club activity etc.

There is mega truth to much of what that author is saying.

Nobody can compete with a fantasy or the ease of self pleasure.

My daughter is 22, a gorgeous girl and her bf is a porn addict IMO…I tell her that it IS a problem and it has nothing to do with her appeal…it is an addicition to a sexually induced dopamine high.

I think it’s very sad that so many men have this issue and it does, more often than not cause a lot of pain for the significant woman in their lives.

@ChazMaz – I don’t believe in censorship.

@prolificus – That is why I sad, “I think you need to.” It is your choice. I was just giving some direction. ;-)

As long as you can satisfy your partner in addition to it. I am a master of bating and have been so since the age of 13. By learning to control contractions, I can sustain for up to an hour (I’ve learned it fades with time) or if the situation requires it, fulfill a quickie to put a smile on me ladies face : )

However, watching the videos does give me an incredible urge to SHOUT and grunt like an apeman f*cking a coconut. During the act of lovemaking, that is.

Seriously, masturbation does not in and of itself do any of these things. If masturbation conditioned men to prefer solo stimulation to a partner’s touch, the human race would have died out a long time ago. There are problems that can exist that manifest themselves in the way a person consumes pornography or masturbates, but masturbation is not the problem. Porn probably isn’t the problem either, although it probably does create unrealistic expectations in young people.

And why is it that talk of masturbation turns into talk of porn? The question doesn’t mention porn, and masturbation would go on without porn.

@coogan – why do men associate porn with masturbation? Do they always have to go together?

@prolificus I’ll answer as a man, no they don’t always have to go together. Masturbation occurs without porn all the time, but porn rarely occurs without masturbation.

Since we’re on the subject, and I just happened to see this today:

“Over the years, many scientists have investigated the link between pornography (considered legal under the First Amendment in the United States unless judged “obscene”) and sex crimes and attitudes towards women. And in every region investigated, researchers have found that as pornography has increased in availability, sex crimes have either decreased or not increased.”

and:

“Looking closer, Michael Goldstein and Harold Kant found that rapists were more likely than nonrapists in the prison population to have been punished for looking at pornography while a youngster, while other research has shown that incarcerated nonrapists had seen more pornography, and seen it at an earlier age, than rapists. What does correlate highly with sex offense is a strict, repressive religious upbringing. Richard Green too has reported that both rapists and child molesters use less pornography than a control group of “normal” males.”

While I won’t disagree that masturbation itself does not cause problems for the general population, it does cause problems for some of those who fall into the category of having a sexual addiction. It is like alcohol for alcoholics. Most people are ok drinking on occasion and even survive an occasional binge. But alcoholics don’t. Sex addicts react different to many sexual stimuli including masterbation. I think that although this person wrote this under the guise of a religious idea it does have some bearing on the world of addiction.

Everyone stop it, you’ll all grow hair on your palms!

Seriously though, unless your addicted to porn I think it’s probably good to get in some “me time” when you can.

The ninth word of you’re discussion sums it up. Christian theological types are quite sick when it comes to sexuality.

Masturbation helps you sleep.

When Wifey gets to sleep, she’s much less bitchy to Hubby. This makes Hubby happy.

Masturbation = good.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land -is it easier to criticize the source than it is to debate the statement?

@prolificus Sometimes there’s no need for debate given the source.

@Simon De Beauvoir wow that is a bit over critical don’t you think. Just cause you don’t agree doesn’t mean that the point might no be a valid one

@sleepdoc I didn’t mean this question or the source in particular – I was thinking of something else, actually…but I can see where it can be misread

Actually, I have to side with @Simone_De_Beauvoir on this one.

For example, my mother and stepfather have eight failed marriages between them. You can bet dollars to doughnuts I have never consulted them for romantic advice.

@Seek Kolinahr So you are saying there is no merit whatsoever in the orginal statement or just that a christian self help guru can’t know anything about sex?

I’m saying that you don’t ask an electrician for help when there’s a problem with your plumbing.

@Seek Kolinahr… I still am not sure where you are going .. are you saying that someone who is a self help guru wouldn’t know anything about sex?

I could have easily omitted “Christian” and not identified the source. If I had done this, I wonder if the responses would differ.

I don’t think so. Just something else to pick on. ;-)

@prolificus Well, mine wouldn’t.

@prolificus As you see, in my original response, I refrained from religion bashing – I addressed the statements only.

“No, I do not believe any of the statements are true. Masturbation (if it doesn’t ”

So it would be a yes, not no. The possibility of an “if” has to mean yes.

The title “Self-Help Guru” is not a credential.

If I were looking for information on sex, I would ask a licensed sex therapist. Someone who actually studies the subject.

If I wanted to know whether Jesus loves me and what someone should say while I’m baptised, I’d ask a self-professed Christian.

I almost called an electrician last year when one of my toys went off mysteriously and burrowed itself down to the bottom of a wooden dresser drawer! Walls were humming! lol

Thank god I discovered the problem before I called someone. lolololol

@Seek Kolinahr… I won’t even go down this road. There are so many people who write and sell books that millions buy with no credentials…..

@sleepdoc

That doesn’t make the information contained in the books accurate or credible.

@sleepdoc Granted. Doesn’t mean we have to add to the problem.

@Coloma

You should have called him anyway, and photographed the look on his face when he discovered the problem. Priceless!! ^_^

Wow! Harsh and harsh. I understand that most of you don’t have much insight into sexual addicts, but the principles outlined above actually fit pretty well with what happens in their cycle of addiction.

I don’t believe any of it is true at all.
I encourage my s.o. to do it for the benefits I have learned from wis.dm.
I also don’t believe that it puts up walls. I think if I remained sexually unsatisfied due to not having an outlet, the walls and resentments would be 10 fold. Granted, I have spent most of my sexual gratification unmet in this relationship of 10 yrs, but I could not have lasted so long if I couldn’t take care of myself.
“solo-sex” has been a great thing in my life.

@sleepdoc While I agree with you, I really don’t think that particular guru was advising against masturbation because they care so much for sexual addicts and their struggle.

@sleepdoc The problem is addiction, not masturbation. Some people are addicted to alcohol, but that doesn’t mean I can’t responsibly enjoy a beer now and then. Others are addicted to food, but that doesn’t mean that the vast majority of people can’t eat responsibly. Some people are addicted to masturbation, but that doesn’t mean that the vast majority of men are addicted or have relationship problems just because they masturbate.

Which is what I said in my earlier post. I don’t think you can throw the bathwater out with the baby on this one. The ideas are not entirely wrong for the right population. Maybe you don’t like self help gurus or self proclaimed christians, but it doesn’t mean everything has to be wrong. Even a non-functioning clock is right twice a day.

And yes I realize that most of the people here aren’t sex addicts and don’t deal with sex addicts. I was just merely mentioning that while probably not applicable to everyone it may be to some. And I ALREADY mentioned that masturbation for a SEX ADDICT is like ALCOHOL for and ALCOHOLIC. Don’t take my specific examples and generalize them to everyone.

The author of the book in question was a psychiatrist. He is no where near being a self-help guru. I didn’t identity him well. If you’re curious, here’s the author’s bio.

@sleepdoc The original question is stated in such a way as to be general, that’s what I, at least, am addressing, though I can’t speak for anyone else. I haven’t done anything with your statements, except to make clear that I’m talking about making generalities about masturbation, as the question text does rather than about any specific person’s situation.

The name of the book is Eros Redeemed.

@sleepdoc I think many people did address the possible negatives of masturbation.

Wow I have to say that this is the first time I have been in a minority on here and people can be pretty harsh about things.

I have had personnel experience with a sexually addicted male…not a happy situation and am very well versed on the problems of such.

I agree with sleepdoc..for those vulnerable the task is to re-learn healthy sexuality minus the compulsivity of whatever..masterbation, porn addicition..etc.

Most never will and continue to hide and sneak and keep the shame and duplicity alive.

Sexual addiction is very damaging to both genders.

@prolificus In this case, yes; given Christianitys perverse attitude towards sexuality, the nature of the source is critical and damning.

@sleepdoc I am continuing to fail to understand what you’re having an issue with.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land -that’s a pretty bold statement. I wonder the source of it.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I am not having an issue. It just seems that people don’t want to hear an opinion that differs from theirs on this issue today.

As long as its not getting in the way with sexual activity with your SO ie rather beat it than go make whoopy than yes, its a problem. Otherwise, no.

I masturbate daily and still have a very healthy relationship with my girlfriend. Masturbation is fine and dandy, but it will never ever compare to sex with my lovely girlfriend.

@sleepdoc I really don’t think this is a controversial topic, whatsoever. I don’t know, maybe I’m not seeing something.

Put it this way, my boyfriend loves the fact that I know how to pleasure myself and am happy to do so. He finds it very sexy and we have a very healthy sexual relationship ;)

I think we are ‘beating’ a dead horse right about now….topic exhausted…back to the garden.

Wheres my weed whacker??? lol

@Coloma Sexual addiction is very damaging to both genders.

Did you mean that both men and women can be sexually addicted or did you mean that if one party of a couple is sexually addicted it is still very damaging to the other party?

Both.

Since most addiction involves massive deception to self and other, lying, hiding, sneaking, a classic dysfunctional and damaging situation.

Okay..really….gotta fire up the weed whacker. lol

@Coloma I think the gardening question is somewhere else.

The person you knew who was addicted—how did he act out?

Compulsive use of porn, addicted to strip clubs, prefered masterbation to fantasy over healthy intimacy. Preferred fantasy period. Always had to have porn triangled into our sexual encounters.

It was a long time ago now but very damaging to me at the time, until I better understood the nature of his issues.

It’s interesting to me that the topic of masturbation had stirred strong responses of support, and few cautionary comments. Also interesting to me is that there are some who are quick to dismiss a source without offering facts to support a differing point of view.

I wonder if anyone has any sources that could support their claims that masturbation is not a form of cheating or a detriment to sexual/emotional intimacy and well-being.

@prolificus

Only a person and their partner can make that decision.

“Cheating” is whatever your partner thinks it is, and you’re the only one that can decide if your relationship is lacking intimacy. You don’t need a bible-beating psychologist to tell you either one.

@prolificus is this the day of strange burdens of proof? first, nullo wants proof as to why we shouldn’t kill gay Ugandas and now you ask for proof that masturbation is healthy.. Again, the burden of proof isn’t on me to prove to you that it’s healthy – I already said it’s healthy for me, there’s no other proof that you need – the burden of proof is on you to prove it’s unhealthy.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir This is the same thing you did earlier. You assume that since what you said sounds right for you that is stands as fact and that all others should accept it. He didn’t ask if he could prove your claim. He asked if anyone has something (outside of besides I said so) to back up what they are saying to generalize it to others.

@sleepdoc @prolificus If Foxnews says got to a point of saying that masturbation is healthy, you have no argument. Period. And masturbation can’t necessarily be generalized to all people because we don’t all do it for the same reasons or in the same way or to the same degree – but it is a fact that there aren’t any health concerns with it unless you’re using a knife to jack yourself off. And what is the point of these discussions anyway? If you are against masturbation, great, don’t do it – if you’re not, also great, do it.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – your experience is proof enough that masturbation is healthy for you. I’m not saying masturbation is healthy or unhealthy. I’m simply saying that if someone is going to argue against a statement, they should be able to back up their argument with some semblance of a source – even if it’s personal experience. To simply put down a source without offering rationale is not really helpful or productive.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I am not saying I am against it. In fact I do it. But I am saying that for some people it does pose a hazard. It may not be a physical hazard such as your example. But it is a hazard none the less.

@prolificus Besides the link above, there’s this and this and this and this.

And let’s not forget this.

@ChazMaz erm…exactly!

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – thanks for the links. But, they only address the physical benefits. What about benefits to sexual/emotional/relational health and well-being?

@Seek_Kolinahr – I agree with you that it is up to the couple to decide. But what if both don’t agree on the effects of masturbation. How could one supportive of solo-sex prove that it is healthy for the individual and for the relationship? If not prove it then abstain from it?

@prolificus

If the couple disagrees on their sexual practices, they probably will not remain a couple for long. And since this isn’t 1356, and arranged marriages are not the norm, that shouldn’t be much of a problem.

Proving anything to anyone that is attached to their own posistion is impossible.
No one can possibly answer that question in absoloutes due to the infinity x10 nature of such.

@prolificus Your wish is my command. Emotional benefits are discussed at the bottom here and also here and here and here is something interesting. And I absolutely love this given the nature of your question. Read up.

@Seek_Kolinahr – divorce isn’t necessarily the answer for sexual conflict.

@Coloma – agreed.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – you rock!

@prolificus I added another link – absolutely essential if you’re a Christian

I’ve never gotten why anyone thinks masturbation is a sin. There is no statement against it in the bible. The oft cited verse in which Onan is struck down for spilling his seed isn’t about masturbation, it’s about Onan not wanting to impregnate his brother’s wife when God wanted him to and God striking him dead for that. At best one could interpret it as a statement against pulling out. I guess that didn’t go over as well in tent revivals.

@Snarp oh, well that’s much more logical!

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Yeah, well logic is another matter entirely.

Hmmm…sounds like ‘God’ had a bit of dysfunction happening. lolololololololol

Disclosure: I am only kidding….nobody get your panties all in a bunch…kidding/not kidding…some crazy bible story that one! hahaha

I think masturbation is a positive part of my sensuality.

I think what the author suggests are not uncommon hypotheticals, but they seem, to me, a bit dated, simplistic, and rooted in the assumptions that certain things are “bad”. Thank you @Simone_De_Beauvoir for providing info that I find much more convincing.

Regarding his first sentiment, I think sexual habituation/conditioning can happen with any sexual practice, partnered or not. Some people like habituated behaviors. If someone wants to avoid habituation, I would think, variation is the key, not abstinence from a given behavior such as masturbation.

I don’t agree with his second hypothesis that masturbation inhibits one’s ability to be open to their partner. If masturbation has become problematic for someone I am inclined to think it is more likely a result of one’s problems with connecting internally and relationally, than the act itself. Of course, that is just a hypothesis too.

My bias in this conversation is that I try not to moralize victimless sexual behavior (even when it is something I am not interested in) i.e. “blow jobs are good” and “Erotic asphyxiation is bad”. For me, victimless sexual activity is but one way of expressing one’s sensuality, self, relationship/s, love, and emotional wholeness. If sexual dysfunction is taking place in a person’s life the first place I want to look is not at the acts themselves but the beliefs and assumptions that underly the supposedly ‘problematic’ behavior.

@liminal oh! you’re welcome

@prolificus

Hopefully, a discussion on sexual ethics would take place before the marriage occurs.

Some years if I didn’t have myself, I’d have no romantic relationship.

I kind of feel like that right now. I could get laid every night.

Would rather smack the monkey.

“Rather,” being an understatement.

Poor fellows…have to engage in manuel work. lolol

Women have so many more options, shower massages and turbo jets in the hot tub. hahahahahahaha

@Coloma we can pee standing up. The world is our toilet. I like the trade-off.

But can you pee squating over a chinese toilet on a moving train? lol

eh hm… Topic off

@Coloma what’s a Chinese toilet? Is it like a regular toilet, but to flush you have to grab a grasshopper out of a kung fu masters hand?

Haha..no, it’s a basin in the ground, makes it much easier to piss all over your feet.
Thats why everyone takes off their shoes before entering their homes. lolololol

It it helped me stay faithful and not go crazy through 13 years of a frigid relationship and 4 years sans sex with my ex. And masterbation was not the cause of the lack of interaction, the lack of interaction was the cause of it.

Could it be that you let yourself go like Homer?

Can you be really honest?

No one is ever a ‘victim’...as they say…there are no victims, only volunteers.

I don’t think that masturbation is cheating. How can you cheat on your partner with yourself?
The writer went on to explain how masturbation conditions a person to enjoy self-stimulation more so than the touch of a lover. it’s possible, if their partner sucks in bed, and/or the person is good at masturbating.
he stated that solo-sex affects one’s emotional well-being by putting up walls and by inhibiting one’s ability to be open (heart, mind, spirit) to his/her partner (not just sexually but in other aspects of the relationship).
I think this is only possible if the person is addicted to masturbation.

Do you believe any of these statements are true? only under severe conditions.
How has masturbation positively or negatively affected your relationship with your lover/partner? It has not affected my relationship in any way.
How has solo-sex affected your emotional well-being? I don’t think it affected my emotional state at all.

More solo practice make better performance!

@Coloma – How do you mean “let yourself go like Homer?”

I mean, are you 250 lbs. of boring, grunting , negative nothingness?

I believe masturbation is destructive between a couple only when it takes away from the energy for sex together time or it’s done so frequently that couple sex doesn’t give as intense of orgasming.

To answer the original question:

I don’t agree with the statements, but I took them to heart when I first read them and I’ve seen them play out in my life as a result. I’d like to have a different understanding, though.

Masturbation has been more of a self-abusive thing or a means to deal with boredom or anxiety, not as a source of pleasure. It is embarrassing for me to talk about with anyone, let alone my partner. And, although I do talk about it, my bravado is more of a cover-up for shame and self-loathing.

@prolificus thanks for sharing.I am sure that was not an easy thing to do.

@Coloma – wow, that was an interesting list of information to pull out of no where. I can only hope you mean the character Homer and are not trying to draw those conclusions based on the info I shared.

@prolificus You know what, there’s something awefully familiar about you :)