Do I give him the letter?
Asked by
Seek (
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March 15th, 2010
My husband’s crazy mother, whom he doesn’t talk to, doesn’t want to hear from, and pretty much tries to forget exists, sent him a letter in the mail today.
It was one of her usual rants : “The rich are evil, the poor are poor because they don’t trust Jesus, the country is in a good place (What?) but in 30 years there’s going to be a recession (uh…huh…), you should really talk to your father more (we… do.) blah blah blah… ” Insert some random advice on business practices (she’s never had a job. Ever.) and some “Jesus loves you” crap, and this time throw in a couple of pamphlets for her church (which is in Illinois. We’re in Florida.)
I know it’s going to piss him off. I’ll have to listen to him rant for a week and overanalyze every screwy comment.
Can I really get away with not letting him know it came? or am I morally obligated to give him his mail? does it count as lying to him if I don’t?
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41 Answers
Give it to him and let him decide if he wants to read it…after all he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to.
As much as it sucks I think the best thing is to give it to him. This way you’re covered and have a clear conscious.
Give it to him; in fact, why did you even open it?
wow, it’s that much of a problem, huh?
does he usually respond to the letters? maybe you should invite his mother to fluther and let us have a conversation with her about religion. :)
Where I live, opening mail that is addressed to someone else is against the law. I think it is against ethics pretty much everywhere.
It’s addressed to him. He should be the one to decide if he wants to read it. You could warn him in advance that it contains all the “usual crap”.
She sounds like Carrie’s mum.The movie, Sissy Spacek…oh forget it.
If you opened and read the letter not addressed at you, he’d probaby be more upset at you for doing that than the fact you’re talking about.
Just so it’s clear – He always has me open his mail for him. It’s just how we do things here. I open everything, clear out the junk mail, and give him what’s left. I didn’t even notice it was from her until it was open.
she’s not crazy, she’s just convinced of something.
@ucme
Yep. Complete with rants about the evils of sex and the male gender. No, I’m not making this up.
@Seek_Kolinahr Well… maybe I was a bit quick to react, in that case.
Why don’t you just ask him whether he wants to read it? That’s what I would do, in your shoes.
~sigh~
I knew that would be the consensus. Well, crap. That woman’s so fracking inconvenient…
Thanks for not just spoon-feeding me the justification to hide it in the garbage I was looking for. ^_^
Ask if he wants to know about it this time and make a plan for future letters.
We have ranting family too. This is our plan: My partner has me open all mail from her family. It is my job to decide what, if anything, is worth knowing, share as I see appropriate, and her job is to not read it and get hugs.
inconvenient moms can be quite draining!
I’m with @liminal on this. Use this opportunity to discuss and decide how you two will handle this from now on. My sympathies on crazy moms… I’ve got one myself. ;)
Who needs a headache? If you know how he’s responded to past letters of hers, and think he’ll react the same way again, then don’t give it to him. I say chuck it in the trash.
Also, him ranting about it for a week seems like a lot. He needs to make his peace with where he is in terms of his mother. Perhaps talk to a therapist.
You need to talk about the global fact of what do you two do about mail from his Mom. Does he want to know about it? Only things that are newsworthy? Or does he want you to roundfile them unopened? It’s his choice.
Yes, give it to him because Mother always knows best.
We should all take her advice and make the world a better place.
Once upon time, shortly after I married, we got a letter from my husbands mommy. I opened it and read it as it was addressed to the both of us. The letter was a rant about my husband not keeping in touch with mommy dearest. Mommy ran out on her family when my husband was 7, she had been remarried 5 times over the following 11 years and moved 6 times before my husband lost track of her. During this time she never once sent my husband any news directly, she kept in touch with her daughter and the news was passed along the grapevine. I wrote a short note which read; “If you can’t write something nice, don’t write at all.” I put the note with her letter and sent it back. The next time she wrote was about 4 years later and she was nice as pie. You can in fact teach an old dog new tricks.
Burn it or better yet return it to the sender !! What he does not know,won’t hurt him !! If it was her final letter written in her death bed, I would say give it to him !!! It might not be the political correct thing to do but you’ll be saving youself and your hubby quite a bit of a headache !!
I would tell him exactly what you said here. That it is full of the usual crap, it will upset him, and that you are worried he will be upset for a week about it.
But you owe him honesty. Keeping things from him doesn’t seem right. He’s a competent man and can make his own decisions. Trust his ability to handle it.
Give it to him because it’s addressed to him. He has to come to terms with it in his own way and in his own time. Otherwise it’s codependent of you and being as manipulative as her even if you’re trying to spare him(and you) grief in the process.
Honesty is the best policy. Use this as a springboard for a heart to heart about the fact that you feel extremely concerned about his week-long over reaction.
The problem is not ONLY wacky mother here. If he could read missives like this and be over it quickly, you wouldn’t be in this conundrum, would you ?
You may or may not be able to teach the old mommy dog some new tricks, although it may be worth a shot.
But you and hubby need to work on his extreme reaction ( which in turn affects you).
If that can’t be resolved then it’s therapy time. Hiding the letter from him this time does nothing other than postpone the problem solving that needs to occur.
Yeah, you have to give it to him. And I second @Buttonstc.
@Seek_Kolinahr I read you response to how your family works concerning mail, so no problems here. At the same time, it’s also a pain in the ASS, hearing someone rant about something until the next calendar year. What helps me more than anything is empathizing with my husband (or anyone, for that matter). Even though I’m not perfect at it every single time, every time I listen like a caring person, the person’s rant time is cut in half. Both of you win :)
This may not be the “right” answer, but it is what I would do if I were you.
I would throw that letter in a smoldering fire and watch enthusiastically as it turned into a fine indistinguishable powder, then I would press the metaphorical backspace button on the fact it ever existed.
@MrsDufresne
Not respectful of your man. I would be pissed if I was him. Now he’s got two Mommies.
Not respectful either way.
You are morally obligated to let him know about the letter, but you can also tell him it’s more of the usual so there is no need to read it. (It’s his choice of course.)You can also tell him that his mother is unlikely to change and you’d appreciate it if he didn’t subject you to his repetitive ranting on the subject.
We all have issues with our parents and sometimes we aren’t even aware of them until we’ve grown and gone. Letting those issues affect our enjoyment of life is NOT recommended.
I was thinking about my [first] answer to this question and decided to elaborate a bit more on why I answered the way I did.
I would want to protect my loved one from the painful feelings it would cause, especially since it was from a parent, and he’d dealt with those feelings long enough. (@Seek_Kolinahr Feel free to correct me if I’m wrong here)
In this instance, I just don’t find it necessary to give him something that would remind him of those painful feelings.
Some may find it wrong of me to want to protect a loved one like this, but I think reminding a loved one of bad feelings about a parent should only take place when absolutely necessary.
@Seek_Kolinahr, I understand your annoyance, but I don’t think you belong in the middle of their relationship, regardless of your position on opening and reading mail that is addressed to other people.
Why not let him dispose of it himself? He doesn’t have to read it.
His mother, his letter, his problem.
Yep, he read it. Oddly enough, no complaining so far, but he did show a little shock that the letter was signed “Love, Jesus”.
She never fails to top herself, that one.
How tempting to reply: “Dear Jesus, This is Daddy speaking. Shut up now.”
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