Is it wrong to desire a child in order to gain a sense of purpose?
My girlfriend is eager to have a family, but she doesn’t want to have children for the wrong reasons. She feels a need to have a child to give her life greater meaning and purpose. Is that a bad reason to have a child?
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I think it’s not a very good reason (although there are worse).
Babies shouldn’t have a job.
All reasons for having children are selfish.
Well she won’t be alone in having a child for a dumbass reason. A child isn’t going to give you a sense of purpose – they will make you feel vulnerable and responsible and scared – if you don’t have a sense of purpose before becoming a parent, you’re screwed.
No. And no one can judge, either way.
I think that it’s an unusual reason, but I’m not going to judge. but maybe there are better reasons..and maybe there are worse
What is a good reason to have children then? It’s not like we’re under-populated.
A lot of people think that having a child will give them a sense of purpose. You have to cater to every need of an infant or they won’t survive. You’ll be so busy, you’ll never get any sleep. It can give you a great sense of purpose having to do that.
I think this desire to have a child is inscrutable, though. We might think we’re doing it to have a sense of purpose, but is that the factor that is most motivating us? What about our genes desire to replicate themselves? What about sex? What about our desire to have genetic descendants? They all might be involved without us knowing for sure.
Wrong or right is kind of irrelevant. We do what we do. Anyone who tries to judge someone else for their reason for having a child is basically using social pressure to pursue a eugenics policy. I’m sorry, but that’s pretty sleazy in my opinion. I don’t care how well intentioned someone thinks they are.
I think @tinyfaery is actually spot on. In the end almost all reasons for having children are selfish as I doubt anyone ever has children just to ensure that the species doesn’t die out. Some reasons are just less selfish than others. And, if you have children for selfish reasons but raise them selflessly, or at least mostly selflessly, the way most good parents do then your kind of your basic parent. Anyway, I don’t have kids so I if I am just blowing smoke out my ass on this one, please forgive.
@silverfly I will only speak for myself (all the while realizing what an environmental impact my having kids has and I do feel ambivalent) and say that I wanted children because I want to raise individuals that will grow up to contribute to positive change – hey, someone’s gotta counteract all the kids other people are having for reasons like to spread god’s seed and all that (not saying that, in itself, is ridiculous – that’s debatable – but I am saying that the Duggars, for example, are raising some pretty ignorant kids).
Doesn’t really seem bad to me. Having my son got my life on track and made me grow up instantly. Everything changes, and in my experience, it changed for the better. I do think having children helps some people.
You say she wants a child so she’ll have a sense of purpose. That implies she feels she has none now. That she feels that way about herself worries me, and she’s fooling herself if she thinks that having a kid will change her view of herself. Thems my thinks anyway.
I can think of many reasons why people would want to have children for very unselfish reasons.
@Simone_De_Beauvoir ..ok.. maybe I can’t think of too many from the top of my head, but some of the reasons that benefit you aren’t always selfish, and if they are they’re not all bad selfish reasons either.
What about to raise a child to make a change in the world. So they can grow up to be the best kid that they can be. So that you can go to sleep at night and know that you did well, or that you created a child that will grow to change the world, and make a difference in the lives around them.
Maybe this benefits the parents too, but it’s not an “all about them” kind of reason. I don’t consider that selfish.
What about adopting a foster care child. So you can make their life better, and give them a second chance. Or give them the opportunities in life that they couldn’t otherwise get without parents.
Being selfish is wanting the best for yourself, and only yourself. Not the expense of others.
@mollypop51797 I don’t think selfish equals wrong/bad all the time – hence my q to @tinyfaery above and the answers I posted
@Simone_De_Beauvoir yes I agree, selfish can be good and bad. But I am thinking that not ALL reasons for having children is from selfishness.
@mollypop51797 I don’t think bringing a child into the world is the same (impact on the environment and on the population wise) as adopting or fostering an existing child.
What happens when the first one doesn’t fulfill her?
Thats how so many children are born, as another buffer against finding oneself.
I’m not saying all the time, in every circumstance, but…where does it end with that outlook?
18 children? lololololol
The truth is, some women are addicted to the ‘baby’ idea much more so than the child idea.
She might want to consider tutoring or volunteer work to give her that sense of purpose. That is a lot of pressure to put on a child. (Sweety, Mommy is nothing without you.) Wow!
@Pandora I see you’ve met my mother, sigh
@Simone_De_Beauvoir and @tinyfaery No, of course not. Not all selfish reasons are bad. There aren’t many things more natural and compelling for human beings than to want to have children. And I suspect that even if the reason for having children to begin with is more or less selfless or selfish, the act of parenting soon becomes as selfless an endevour as humans, men and women both hopefully, ever engage in.
@Simone_De_Beauvoir Yeah, well your mom is disappointed by your choice in friends and that you haven’t called her. She says hi, and for you to call her.
Regardless of the reason why we enter into parenthood I join with lillycoyote in hoping a potential parent focuses their energy on the dynamics of parenting. From my perspective, that means, at the least, being centered and sure about who one is and what their purpose for being is.
When I think of selfishness I think of a purposeful intention to put my needs above another’s. As has been said, this is not necessarily an intention that can be labeled right or wrong.
Yet, it is hard for me to believe that even when intentions appear to be selfless, ‘putting another’s needs/desires above one’s own’, it is anything but self-serving, even though it might not be apparent. I think I would say every choice to have a child is self-serving (okay, I think every choice one makes is. Of course, I can’t say this for everybody, but I am enticed too)
For example, our children came to us under the circumstances of their first adoptive mom (and my best friend) dying and at a time when my partner and I did not have a desire for children. To not make these children our own would have meant not honoring the sorts of people we want to be.
We were serving our sense of self, which meant (for us) putting our desires before the needs of our children, yet it was still self-serving. That is why I think it is always important to be developing and questioning ourselves, I want to be serving an honorable self, particularly when it comes to parenting.
I don’t plan on getting children so I would say yes and ditto tinyfaery but then again ever1 is selfish on both ends. So many dumb reasons like: having children to live your own dreams or using them vicariously- those are obvious bad reasons
That is one effect of complying with the childbearing instinct directive. No, it’s not wrong if you want a child and a sense of purpose, and can afford to give a child the love, attention and resources he/she/it needs.
I think so. I think it makes it hard to do right by the child.
I think if you do that, you have some sort of expectancy of the child, the child of course is unaware and may not fill that expectancy leading to frustration. A child too has loads of needs as opposed to being able to give a lot back. So it’s more of a giving relationship which is unbalanced. Well for the most part. However desiring a child because of natural instinct kind of cancels out the question.
@Just_Justine : Most mothers I know (about 20-ish) have told me that a sense of purpose is a consequence of childbearing, whether or not it’s the cause of conception; that’s why I threw it in this ring.
@Fenris well yes if you put it that way, your life becomes one big sense of purpose. Each and every day has much of a “forced” routine. You also become scared if something happens to you what will happen to your child, you change in lot’s of ways. In terms of thinking about your future, your child’s future, how your actions influence your child, what type of parent you wish to be, you study learning options for your child. Their friends, you meet other parents of your child’s friends. It is a huge purpose, but I just feel one has to be understanding of the type of purpose it gives.
To be honest I think that reason makes perfect sense. I certainly haven’t heard a better reason for having kids….
I wouldn’t say it’s wrong to seek a sense of purpose in life, but it is wrong to have a child in order to gain that sense of purpose. Holding a child responsible for one’s happiness and well-being is a heavy burden to place on that child. That will lead to a world of psychological ills for both the parent and child, including co-dependency and, on the more extreme end of the scale, emotional incest.
If you are ready to be a parent, you will think about what you can do for your child, not what your child can do for you.
@JeffVader Since I was about 10 years old I wanted to get married and have a house full of children. I absolutely adored them. I came from a large family and loved every moment of it. Of course when I grew up, I realize the reality of bills and how much kids cost and it went down to two. LOL My dad was the same way. He just didn’t see life without children. I think a good reason to have children is to share your love and your zeal for life and have them pass it down.
@Pandora I couldn’t agree more. My circumstance was very different, youngest of 3 boys, never around children & for many years wasn’t interested. However a few years ago I realised I didn’t want to be defined by what I did for work anymore…. which then left me wondering how would I define myself. I dont have any children yet but it seems like being a dad would be a rather lovely thing to be.
ah, forgot. ROLMAO
Well call her!!!!
@Pandora she already called 3 times before noon
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