For some, death comes suddenly—accident, violence, failure of the body. For some it comes quietly—not exactly expected, but also with the knowledge that it will happen soon. Still others—death can be seen coming like a freight train, and you can’t jump out of it’s way.
It is the lack of control one has, I believe, that is the most frustrating and scary. I know that I feel, often, because of depression, that something terrible is going to happen. Usually it is that my wife will kick me out because I’m worthless. Rather than wait for it to happen; rather than endure the pain of not knowing exactly when that ax will fall, I am strongly tempted to make it happen first. I just can’t stand the wait.
For those who see it coming—and there are too many here on fluther for my taste (I love the people; but I hate what is happening to them)— I can not really imagine what it is like. I know it scares the shit out of me. Sometimes it gives me bad dreams. I would like to think I could deal with it as well as those we know, but I doubt it.
So you decline, and the pain gets worse and worse, and you can do less and less, and at some point, I guess, your mind may no longer be there, I guess. Is it time to stop waiting for the locomotive and run to embrace it? Just to get it over with? Just to stop the pain? I can sure imagine wanting to stop the pain.
My daughter’s guinea pig, a month or so ago, was sick. Not eating. A day or two went by and finally she and my wife took the guinea pig to the vet. The animal had a twisted stomach. They could bring it home and it would die soon, in agony. Or they could let the vet put him down. My daughter, age 13, made the choice to put him down. I think everyone would consider that the right choice. Why let an animal suffer, when death is inevitable?
So why let a person suffer when death is inevitable? I don’t know. Maybe because the person can still communicate? Maybe because we believe in self-determination? Except for taking your own life? Maybe because we believe there is always hope. Maybe a miracle will happen? Or maybe it’s because we can’t face the idea of death for people we love. Maybe we’re in denial, and we want to hold on. Maybe we have the magical thinking, where the person who is dying understands and accepts and knows when it is time.
I know when I think about Chris or Gary… I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to feel. I’ve had close friends die, and for one, it was sudden, and it ripped me apart. For another it took almost a year, and we all had a chance to say good bye, and then it was just the waiting. She was going to go into hospice care, but she never made it. Everyone thought it was best she died before anyone expected her to.
We often say, after someone dies, that they were “ready” to go. They just decided to turn themselves off in some magical way. I guess it is quite possible to be ready to go, and need help turning yourself off. I guess I think it is mostly selfish of those of us who are left behind to not let people go when they are ready to. And what good does it do us? So we can say we tried everything we could?
No. I think our reluctance to support this kind of suicide is because we can’t face our own losses. And in that selfishness, we make our loved ones suffer. I damn myself this way, because it is so hard for me to think about death—even though I have wanted it, myself, sometimes.