Would you break up with someone for this reason?

“that I feel she has a tendency to be too “flirty” with other guys”

She wants her cake and eat it too. And, she is pulling your chain.

So yes I would.

Yes, especially if you have the lingering feeling within you. . . . sounds like she’s a playa…ditch the bitch and move on.

Sounds like you’re both going down a rocky road. If you’re happy with her, I would try to start trusting each other more. If she cheats, then you can break up. If she has a history of cheating… get out while you still can. If you have a history of cheating, then you’re probably just projecting guilt.

Being flirty is OK, some people are like that by nature, of course if it is just being flirty. Putting up a profile as single on a dating site, says a lot though, she is still looking.

There is a serious problem in your relationship already and her hiding from that reality is not going to change that. Is it really worth being with someone who has to PROVE to you that she is faithful to you and you only? There should be trust in a relationship. This doesn’t sound like it’s going to work out at all. You’re not comfortable with who she is as a person. What happens if you get married? Is this the kind of person you want to be married to? Ask yourself that. This is a totally acceptable reason to break up with someone, at least in my books. If you can’t stand little things she does, and you don’t even trust her with the little things, then how do you ever expect to trust her with the big things? How do you ever expect it to work if this small little thing she does bothers you so much?

Flirty girlfriends, in my opinion, are super annoying and not easy to trust. Dump her and get on a dating site yourself when you’re ready.

You two are too different to be in a serious relationship. You need someone more like you I think. You are more clingy, and she is not, so you need someone that is more clingy or you would have to gain more self esteem and/or confidence so you aren’t so clingy. Either way, one thing will have to change.

I agree with @Just_Justine. Being flirty is perfectly fine. However, the fact that she made a profile on a dating website means that she doesn’t respect you or your relationship. She’s looking for someone else or she’s the cockiest son of a bitch if she made one just to see who looks at her profile. You need to find someone who is exclusive to you and doesn’t advertise herself as single to anyone else.

What a crock of shit. Drop this person like a bag of dirt. Flirty is a nice sounding word for inappropriate, draw attention to myself, look at me and think about me while you jack-off conversation. I repeat, it is inappropriate while one is in a relationship. It detracts from the relationship. All that energy she is putting into making herself desirable and agreeable to other men should go towards you. The fact that it isn’t tells you something about her personality. Find someone else who is trustworthy. She never will be.

“What a crock of shit.”

That’s all I needed to read. GA!

@ChazMaz, nice to know I’m on the same wavelength with one whom I admire.

Eh. It’s up to you to decide whether or not she will make further changes.

She betrayed your relationship. She obviously wasn’t concerned enough about you to try to sort things out, as she went to a dating website.
Let her flirt all she wants… but not with you. Get rid of her asap.

Hm, one year isn’t too long. If it was longer than that, I would say make your decision carefully. But since it has only been one year. Wow. Those are some pretty good signs of… bad things to come!

Have one more talk about it. If she says you should drop it, say no. This is enough for you to walk away from her right now, and if she says fine, then you say fine too! Only you know her better than us, though….

My Ex wife was the same way! Possibly still is for all I know?? But getting back to her, she used to tell me it was just her nature to be flirty, I found out to my cost that her flirty nature also included sleeping with her co-workers as well as her boss, so I’d be having none of it, sounds like she’s just waiting for something better to come along!? :-/

@Vunessuh Not to be contentious but I probably am but I’ve known plenty of women that have tried to convince me it’s OK to be flirty while in a relationship. When I was younger I tried to convince myself I was just being uptight. As I’ve gotten older and discussed it with other guys, we nearly unanimously agree it is complete shit when your woman is flirty. Plenty of people cheat, so when a guy is hit on he doesn’t really care if you are the boyfriend. So you are totally disrespected by the flirtatious act. I don’t flirt with other women while in relationships for that very reason: it violates the trust between my woman and me.

A good relationship is not cluttered by doubt. Time for a new girlfriend.

You know what….. I really don’t think whether you can trust her or not is the issue. Fact is the two of you are not compatible… if you were, you wouldn’t need her to change.

I think flirty can be interpreted in many different ways. Flirty can mean being personable, friendly, sense of humour, making a person feel good, I have had male sales people tell me flirting covers all sexes and ages. I am not sure then what type of flirting is being discussed. Flirting has little to do with “sex” or the wish to sexual excite a person. Maybe there are levels of flirting? I am for example outgoing, talkative, friendly, jokey, very ready to compliment. If a guy was hanging over me saying “Hey stop that”. I’d seriously wonder if he was “OK” with himself.

@cockswain I guess it depends on how you define flirty and who is being flirted with. Some men and women think you’re flirting with them if you just smile in their direction. Some think you’re being flirty if you joke around with another guy. I don’t think that’s flirty. Depends on how sensitive you are to it. Having a profile on a dating website is crossing the line.

@Just_Justine Word.

@Just_Justine I personally view flirty as behaviors that suggest the possibility of some sort of sex. Just being friendly or smiling is just regular behavior. So I guess we in agreement that how you define flirty is the key.

@Vunessuh Point well taken.

Are we going to debate what “flirty” means?

She is not only “flirty” but is creating profiles where she is saying she is single.

I think it is very clear what type of flirty she is.

@ChazMaz no not analysing flirty, just wondering if a woman should become personality dead once with a man.(sans profile on dating site of course).

@Just_Justine Word, again.

For the record, I don’t consider a smile or a joke to be flirting. I think people are pussyfooting around the definition – I wouldn’t have a problem with it if it was just joking around. I’m talking about sexualized remarks and the like

@Just_Justine @Vunessuh I’m in total agreement with that. Joking around and treating someone normally is definitely not flirting.

@Just_Justine Personality dead…. absolutely not. Although I dont think its unreasonable to hope she wouldn’t be frequenting dating websites.

online profile ew no I’d find somebody else

Becoming a member on a dating website doesn’t always have to mean that you’re looking for someone to be with. For example, I’ve played games that offered me more “money” in the game if I signed up for a dating website. Some dating websites (such as OkCupid) keep a hold on people simply because of the quizzes. I just thought I’d throw this out there. I can’t be the only one who has done this or is drawn to these things. What if these were also her original intentions of joining such a site? I’m not saying they were, but I am saying some of you seem quick to say that people who join dating websites are automatically untrustworthy, no matter who they are, and no matter what their reasons are for doing so.

I think that we can agre that there is a line one should not cross when in a relationship. You can put any label at all on it. Making physical contact, sexual innuendo, double entendre, intensely personal conversation, phone calls behind the other’s back, unnecessary texting, conversations that exclude the other, these are all inappropriate and there is no excuse for this type of behaviour.
Being friendly, typical conversation about neutral subjects like mutual acquaintances, events, sports, etc., are not inappropriate. The line is clear. Anything else is hogwash.

At the time you two argued and she created the dating site profile, were the two of you in agreement to be exclusive? If you are exclusive now, has she since deleted the profile? In all her flirtations, do you believe she’s ever acted out on them?

I’ll tell you a story. While my current partner and I were seeing each other, we weren’t exclusive at first. He belonged to a dating site and I assumed he was keeping his options open, possibly meeting and being intimate with other women. I grew angry one day and decided I’d join the same site and submit a full profile listing a single, looking blah blah. I never participated and the profile probably still exists somewhere in limbo but in mind I was leveling the playing field. Maybe it wasn’t nothing more than your girl burning up some pent up frustration, best to talk it out with her and come to agreement how you feel about each other presently and where you want to go together. Get all the little nagging things off the table.

You’re expecting her to change from who she is to who you would like her to be.
She’s carelessly doing things she knows you wouldn’t be ok with.

This is not a good relationship. Move on.

Look, if you’re “in a relationship” with her and not married, then she has every right (and is technically and literally correct) to say that she is “single”. She is, isn’t she?

And if you haven’t made some kind of firm and more or less permanent arrangement with her short of marriage, maybe this is what she wants: a permanent, long-term relationship, up to and including (perhaps) marriage. So along with being single she has every right to “look around”, whatever her feelings for you.

And even if you are wild about her, she may not be equally wild about you, and again—she needs to look out for herself.

I don’t think she needs to justify herself in any way. Further, she was probably “flirty” when you met her and liked her; why should she change because that would make you more comfortable?

Finally, when you say that “to her credit” she did change, it makes my skin crawl. You’re a bit too arrogant and controlling for my taste. Some might like that—I certainly know that a lot are like that—and I’d have been gone about a year ago.

If she’s looking for dates on te computer, she probably already seeing other people.
I would leave. Obviously being in a relationship isn’t what she wants right now and you deserve better.

I wouldn’t expect a lot of change from someone who walks away from an argument and lists herself as single on a dating website. That’s extreme.

Me and my girlfriend have our arguments, but we get past it, move on, and we always know that “this isn’t the end”, or even close. People who jump right to some snide ass get-back-at-you-because-fuck-you ploy like that are difficult to trust and aren’t going to change for you or anyone. What’s next?

It’s disrespectful, unfaithful, and in this context “flirty” is another word for “I like drawing the attention of other men to me and creating sexual frustration”, and that is not something you need in your life or relationship.

Don’t invest too much in her. You might lose it all.

“Becoming a member on a dating website doesn’t always have to mean that you’re looking for someone to be with.”

You are right. It could just be… FLIRTING!

I see two issues here. You either need a push, or you are pussy whipped. Or you are pussy whipped and need a push.

@CyanoticWasp Pull your head out of your ass please. It’s not like he’s forcing her to cover herself from head to toe and never make eye contact with a man. Real adults in real relationships sometimes have problems with each other, and sometimes one partner may ask the other partner to change. If being with him is more important to her than being flirty she will change. I don’t have a problem with my girlfriend asking me to change something if it’s upsetting to her, because I’m considerate and care about her feelings.

This person will never be trustworthy. Think about the word. She will never be worthy of your trust. Cut your losses. Move on. You have learned an important lesson. Don’t forget it.

I understand the being mad she made a profile on a dating site, but I really think you need to get over this flirty thing. Where I live everyone flirts, it almost considered good manners.

@UScitizen I think people are capable of change, growth and can become trustworthy.

@ChazMaz no putting your profile on a dating site is actively looking for a partner and staring are single. It’s not flirting, its a bit more like smashing a hammer between ones eyes.

@syzygy2600 piss up a rope nice to meet you, too.

The fact that he looked into her email at all while she was away from the computer is more evidence to me that he’s the bad actor in this little drama.

I think you should just drop her. You’ve already confronted the situation, spoke with her about it and argued about it.

She claim to have created the website after an argument you had, so why didn’t she delete it when everything was fixed up.

It doesn’t sound like you are being needy or insecure, it really sounds like she’s a toxic in the relationship.

Flirting can lead to phone numbers, which can lead to meetups, which can lead to something else. You shouldn’t feel like you have to force yourself to trust someone in a relationship.

Take a step back and look at the pros and cons about this. What do u like/love about her?is it worth it to end it? Is the trust hurting you that much that u don’t care if things end or not?

I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone who’s self confidence depended on other people’s opinions and desires – she sounds pretty insecure. Women who make profiles b/c they enjoy seeing who looks at them have an insatiable need for male attention.

There are lots of women like this, and lots of men who are fine with it, but like others have said here: you don’t seem very compatible.

Being “flirty” is a personality trait. I think it is so sad when someone who is naturally flirty gets their wings clipped by jealousy. They seem so stifled.
Now the dating website, that would bother me. Maybe even enough to not trust anymore. But it seems to me that you don’t like a core aspect of her personality already, so unless you learn to embrace this part of her you should probably stop wasting her time.

Girls are really weird sometimes.

My sister is single and a natural flirt. She doesn’t feel like she is flirting, she just naturally pays attention when people talk, touches them when they say something that touches her and is nice and courteous to everyone. She gets accused of being a flirt all the time and doesn’t realize it. Women and men both get crushes on her because she treats both the same. She is completely heterosexual, but what others call flirting is just Jacque being herself. It is part of her personality. (It doesn’t help that she is stunningly beautiful; too, even though she is now 60!)
There is a difference between that flirting, and people who are overtly sexual in their flirting.
@jamienoble ; can you describe how your girlfriend flirts? Is she just overly friendly or does she talk nasty to other guys?

You can’t change her and she can’t change you. If you don’t like it rethink the relationship.

There is a big difference between a perception, by you, that she is flirting and actually having a profile posted on the web as an invitation to all comers. It is possible to misinterpret being friendly as flirting, but posting a profile on a dating site is not a misinterpretation of her being friendly. If you can’t trust her, you cannot enjoy your relationship with her. After a year, if you guys have not established trust, I don’t think you are a good fit for each other. It appears that she is just biding her time with you until someone else comes along…...

This is so interesting. To me, this screams of codependency issues. No one trusts anyone. Everyone wants the other person to change to conform to some notion of how a proper, loyal partner should be. I’ve been in that place, and I’ve destroyed a number of perfectly good relationships simply because I felt like I couldn’t trust the other person.

What that really had to do with is my own self. I did not feel worthy of the other person. I wondered what she was doing with me. How did I hoodwink her into being with me. So when she did anything the least bit different from what I thought she should do, I freaked. In freaking, I drove her away.

In order to trust her, I needed to be more secure. I needed to believe that I was the kind of person someone would be loyal to. That she would be loyal to. That at the end of the day, I was the one she wanted to come home to.

I’ve known a number of women who are “flirty.” I’ve asked them about it, and learned, very quickly, that they did it for fun, but not because they meant anything by it. I’ve been told the same thing by more than one woman. Some say they don’t even know they are flirting. It can be just the way you are.

Would I want someone to change if that’s the way they were and they liked me? If I did, I think I would be saying that I entered the relationship under false pretenses. I wonder if she was like this for as long as you’ve known her, or if this is something new.

As to the dating site. The idea that she set it up after a fight seems reasonable. Maybe it was a bad fight, and she thought the next step was to separate. Or maybe she’s immature and wants to punish you for some reason. And once it’s there, it seems reasonable to keep it up to see who answers. Each guy is another hit in the self-esteem department—as is each guy who is interested when she flirts.

My guess is that she does have low self-esteem. That makes me wonder if you play any role in that—perhaps denigrating her in subtle ways, or demanding that she do other things, not just stop flirting and taking the dating profile down. Perhaps you are a twee bit controlling? From your own insecurities?

Which brings me back to codependency. I think you’re both insecure about the other. You both react in different ways. I think she wants to please you but fears it isn’t possible. She might be a little scared, too.

I don’t think this is as simple as telling you to run away from her. I think there is something deeper going on for both of you. The kind of thing that a married couple might go to counseling for. I can tell you for sure that if this patter goes on and you don’t deal with your issues, whatever they are, then you will break up. If you want to save the relationship, then I think you guys need to work at it, and, in particular, learn to communicate honestly.

@wundayatta I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, because I mean it as a compliment.

Sometimes I can get a paragraph or two into your responses and award the GA right there, without even reading further. But I did this one straight through, and I agree with all of it.

@CyanoticWasp I don’t mind if you don’t read it all. I don’t expect many people do. I write to see what I think, and it’s just gravy if someone else actually reads it. Thanks for the GA.

How serious are your intentions with her? Perhaps she feels the relationship holds no future with you?

She obviously doesn’t feel like what you and she have is a lifelong thing. Do you?

@Judi now she is how I want to be when I “grow” up :)

@Just_Justine ; Me too. I’ve always lived in her shadow.

@CyanoticWasp she left her email account open. When I un-minimized firefox her inbox was right in front of my face. I saw emails from a dating website and the subject line included a username. I didn’t open or read any emails. I then went to the site and searched for her profile. You still feel like white knighting for a cheater, oh wise and enlightened internet sage (read as “emasculated bitch”)

as far as the flirting goes, it’s more than friendly conversation. It’s disrespectful an emasculating to have your girlfriend tell another guy that “you’re so hot” right in front of your face. Maybe some men don’t have enough self respect to care, but I do. Think of it this way: If a man was telling other women how hot they were in front of his girlfriend, he’d be a pretty big scumbag, wouldn’t he?

So it’s been a week. Have you gotten rid of her?

Funny, but you say:
Maybe some men don’t have enough self respect to care, but I do.

And I think:
Maybe some men are so insecure that this is major disrespect to them, but I don’t.

My (one at a time) girlfriends and I routinely remark on who appeals to us. If a guy walks into the room that she may not have seen, then I make sure to point him out for her appraisal. When I get a girlfriend who’s too timid to tell me who else appeals to her, then I know that she’s also too insecure for me to be myself. Those relationships don’t last anyway. Next time I’ll be sure to send them your way.

If it makes you feel like a big man to call me names, then feel free. Maybe you should kick a puppy for good measure.

@jamienoble; it sounds like you already know your answer. If you can’t trust her, why waste any more time? Life is to short.

@CyanoticWasp There is a difference between her saying to you “I think that guys hot” and walking up to the guy and telling him he’s hot while you sit there and watch. If that appeals to you, check for your genitals.

@jamienoble apparently she has already checked your reproductive system—or whatever the hell else she may have found interesting about you (I haven’t spotted it yet, and I have no interest in your gonads)—and found it wanting if she’s doing this so blatantly in front of you after you object. And if you think my girlfriend flirting with a guy in front of me bothers me, you still haven’t got it: I know who she’s going home with, and if she changes her mind (it’s always her prerogative), then it was nice knowing her.

My genitals are fine, and if you behave and start behaving nicely I might even let you gaze upon them someday, since you have such concern for them.

@CyanoticWasp could you change your profile pic?

@CyanoticWasp I think what she finds interesting about me is that I’m unafraid to state an opinion. This was something she had done in the past, and when I confronted her about it, it stopped. I know it must be horrible to you to think of someone changing themselves for someone else, but people do this in real relationships. I changed things about myself for her as well.

You sound to me like someone who lets women walk all over him, and in a way I feel sorry for you because you probably think you’re progressive and enlightened or something. You tried to make me out to be some kind of controlling tyrant for reading her emails – and when I explained how it went down, you suddenly stopped having anything to say about that. Let me give you some advice: It’s ok for someone (a man or a woman) to tell the person that they’re in a relationship with that they have a problem with something they’re doing.

@jamienoble your assumptions about me are based on nothing more than your own suppositions and attitudes, and so far from the mark that I can’t think of a suitable analogy for just how far from the truth you are. So… further discussion is pointless. (Because, for instance, your explanation for “how it went down” still makes no sense: single people keep profiles on dating sites, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but I’m not trying to convince you.)

For the record, the assumptions I made about you were based on your self-described episode. If you omitted relevant facts, then that was your problem as a writer, not mine as a reader.

Let’s just drop it. I have no further interest in discussion of this topic with you. If you want some final words of your own, then go ahead.

@CyanoticWasp you don’t in any way think you came off as kind of an asshole in your first response and maintained that position ? He came here seeking advice, and you assumed he wasn’t being forthright. Then you went on to assume he’s controlling, spying on her, etc…Why not assume the best and help from there?

@cockswain Aww, where’s the fun in that!

@cockswain don’t you think your original answer you came off as an asshole? Flirty girls are annoying, dump her get a new one. Sounds ass like to me, but then I am a flirty girl. Sure glad that I would never date a guy weak enough to come to a question site seeking total strangers advise on how to deal with his self esteem issues.

@Shae Sure, I did. I am an asshole for a variety of reasons. But I didn’t disrespect or judge the questioner. When he elaborated, his gf does cross the line most guys have for that sort of behavior (going up to guys and telling them they are hot in front of him), so it’s not like he’s some sort of insecure freak for feeling that way. Would you do that in front of your man, then think he’s weak for not enjoying the disrespect?

You passed judgement on her before he eloborated. So you disrespected and judged his girlfriend.

And I don’t have lines drawn for me. You like who I am or you don’t. It is not unusual for me to ask one on my best friends husbands when he and I are running off to the Bahamas while giving him a big smooch. flirting is flirting, f*cking is f*cking. If you are worried about whether or not your man or woman is f*cking someone else then you really shouldn’t be with them.

@Shae and some people don’t like flirting in a relationship. And that’s okay, they are allowed to feel like that.

@Shae I don’t disagree with you, dependent how you define flirting. Can you clarify what you meant here: “It is not unusual for me to ask one on my best friends husbands when he and I are running off to the Bahamas while giving him a big smooch.”

I did pass judgement on the woman rather than the questioner, true. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt based only on the info in his question.