I will answer your question in a little bit but first I need to address some of your words (and I know you don’t mean to be offensive but I want to show you why it comes off as so anyway)
You said “She’s….weird. Period. And not because of the operation. She’s quite aggressive, much more like a man in that aspect.” So, you are uncomfortable when women display personality traits usually allowed only for men – this is a reflection on you and not on how ‘weird’ she is.
You said “She still has very manly features. She’s in pretty good shape, so her arms are defined in that way that men get, fairly easily. It’s very hard not to think of her as a “him,” because…she’s so very masculinly aggressive and stuff and she still sounds like a guy.” Gender expression of transgender people varies just like gender expression of all other people – she doesn’t have to exhibit what you consider to me a ‘proper’ woman, she only has to exhibit what feels good to her in terms of this change or what have you. I know it’s hard to respect the identity she feels is true to herself but this is a lot less about how you feel and a lot more about being sensitive, so try that instead.
You said “All she’s done that I can tell is let her hair grow really long and straight, and doesn’t even attempt to style it. She has bangs straight cut across her forehead. Oh, and her new name is Roxanne (I once named a male cat after her, cause that cat was so sexy and swishy, like a girl!)” Again, you are placing expected gender norms on this person and making a judgment based on your own ideas about gender. Just because she went through this change doesn’t mean she has to ‘stick to the rules’ in order for you or for anyone to accept her. You should just accept her like you would anyone else. Neither Alex nor myself give two craps about what our hair looks like and I know we don’t identify as women but many friends of mine that do identify as women care about more important things than adhering to gender norms.
You said “A couple of years ago I was talking to her, doing some billing work on her cell phone account, and I asked what she’d been up to since the last time I saw her. She said she drives a road grader for the city. She said something like, “I’‘m a bitch with powa!” or some….thing like that.” So?
You said “A few times I’ve seen her riding on the back of a motor cycle with some beefy, Harley looking biker dude, which I don’t get either.” So….she’s not supposed to be with a man because….?
You said “Word has it that in HS he was a jock. Big into sports, had lots of girlfriends. Then got into drugs really, really heavy, and this was the result.” So you think saying that the only reason this ex-properly gendered man is with this transgender woman is because of heavy drug use is not condescending as hell? Riiight…
You said “Honestly, I feel sorry for her. In spite of all her posturing and bravado, I sense a lonely, sad person inside, who just wants to be loved. It’s gotta be hard. Especially in a little mid-Western town like this…..” Because of people like you.