What kind of attention do your looks get? How does that cause you to change your behavior?

As a somewhat dumpy looking overweight late-30-something, I’m generally invisible and fade into the wallpaper wherever I am. The only times I got “special” attention were when I used to try to date people (or my ex-roomie used to try to fix me up). That’s when I’d get the onceover and the “well, maybe we can be friends”...

So, no, I don’t really change anything in order to get (or avoid) attention. On the rare occasions when I’m given any kind of attention, though, it makes me vaguely uncomfortable, the same way it might discomfort an animal to be seen who is busy trying to blend in with the grass around it. Am I about to become some kind of prey?

Apparently, I’m pretty enough to get stared at but only rarely approached, so I get the same “wtf” reaction when somebody starts hitting on me.

I wasn’t really aware of this until somebody a couple of years ago put it in front of my face and wouldn’t let me go until I accepted it. Now I’m very self-conscious, and actually dress in such a way that I’ll be less attractive, unless I have a reason to do otherwise.

(If I want to capitalize on it, I’ve found it pretty easy to abuse other people’s willingness to do things for pretty people. It makes me feel rather dirty.)

I know, I know, the world’s tiniest violin is playing for me. Again, it’s one of those things that makes me feel weird, because I always hated it when people were judged by their looks, and I try not to do so.

Actually, I feel more vulnerable about this answer than I have with any other I’ve made on this site. I guess that tells you how weird and sensitive this subject can be. Go figure.

I will admit that people like my smile. And that I have used it to get into places I’m not allowed, and even get away with a few things. I was always told “A good smile opens doors.” Of course I have never used it for evil!

My wife thinks i’m gorgeous, that’ll do for me.I’ve always received plenty of smiles from women in passing.Certainly helps put a bounce in your step i’ll put it that way.

I get help at Home Depot. ;) (sorry inside joke)

I am generally considered good looking, if you like the tall, light eyed, long haired Rromani Gypsy look (light eyes are not standard equipment in the Gypsy model). Luckily my wife thinks I am drop dead gorgeous. If you do not like that kind of look, you would think I am butt oogly.

How it effects my life? Not much. It does not affect my job or anything like that. I did/do get my share of attention from the Ladies (and all that comes with it in the past tense) but, now that I am taken, that is moot. Ok, I still enjoy the looks but am still taken. As @ucme said, it puts a bounce in the step.

I am glad that I am satisfied with my looks because I am too lazy to do all that metrosexual/ plastic surgery crap. I yam as I yam, and would be no matter what I looked like.

I’ve been called pretentious, rich, snobby and stupid based off of my looks.
Perhaps it’s the city I live in (LA), but if these people had the opportunity to get to know me, they’d see I’m simple (as in I don’t need much to survive), poor and rather intellectual. People see a pretty girl and assume we must be stupid and have nothing else going for ourselves. I hate that shit. However, I think that’s just the mentality of people in LA. It may be different elsewhere. People truly underestimate me and women like me because of the way we look. They assume I have no brain, hence, people don’t take me seriously.

I’ve gotten quite a bit of unwanted attention as well. People wanting to hit it and quit it. Having my ass grabbed by strangers at bars/clubs.
I can’t really call this type of attention ’special’.

People have offered to do things for me that were rather large tasks. I accepted because I thought, “wow, what a generous offer.” I realize after the fact, that most of those people were doing so because they wanted to sleep with me. When I declined, they used what they just did for me, against me. Nice people, huh?
I hate this city.
Sorry, I’m just ranting now.

I haven’t changed my behavior much because of this attention because I’m not doing anything wrong.
I’ve always been a conservative dresser, so it’s not like I go out in public looking like a street hooker.
I don’t lead anyone on. I don’t give any signs that I’m interested in sleeping with them.
I realize though, that some men/women will think you’re flirting with them if you just shoot them a smile.

There are few who actually take the time to get to know me and appreciate what is deeper within me rather than outward appearance. I love and respect people who do this. Others just go off of their assumptions. I try not to let it bother me. It’s their problem, not mine.

I get a kick out of dressing like a vampire, and I get all sortsa shit. Drive by comments, (Usually by losers in the passenger seat who prolly don’t even own their own car.) some people like it, others think it’s lame, a few cross the street when they see me…doesn’t matter much to me, whether tis good or bad, and it won’t change my behaviour in the slighest.

These days I don’t suffer from the Batman Syndrome too much because I’m too busy either going to school or being a boozehound, but the change certainly has fuckall to do with what people think.

I’m not many people’s definition of beautiful, but judging by how people treat me, I feel attractive enough to satisfy me. Something about the way I look invites a few different responses. To start, I am apparently The Question Lady. When out in public, I’m the person that gets approached and asked a question, Can I borrow your lighter?, What time is it?, Do you know where Whatever St. is?, Do you work here?, etc. This last one is really funny because I’m never wearing anything resembling what an employee would wear. Apparently, I look very knowledgeable.

Second, I can sometimes get breaks or get people to help me. Sometimes it’s because I’m pretty, but I have gotten away with some things because I am so sweet-and-unassuming-looking. I’m the person you want on a crime caper because no one would suspect me in the least.

In anything that shows my legs at all, yup, I get a little more attention even though I’m short haha…Depending on my original mood that day, I can either feel more confident and walk with some pep in my step ;) or I can become a little uncomfortable with all the extra attention, it can feel a little weird.. The attention is always some random group of guys at school gawking, like they always do when they see anything they like. Then again, us teenagers aren’t very picky, are we?? lol

@MissAnthrope Once at WalMart and older lady asked my friends and I if we worked there…we weren’t wearing any WalMart gear..how strange o.O

Men fear me, women want me. I use them as mere objects and playthings for my whims. I collect women like coins. I have a complete set of auburns and brunettes, am missing a certain sandy blond shade, have a near complete set of reds and am happily working my way through Asia Minor to fill in gaps in the Far East set. Oh and I recently got the rare and elusive Cambodian!

I felt uncomfortable. I spent a lot of time with no makeup, and loose fitting jeans and sweat shirts. The only time I kinda liked it was when I dressed to the nines and went out. But I didn’t feel 100% comfortable.

Funny! When my daughter was about 13, we were talking about boys. She said she liked it when they whistled at her. I said I didn’t. She says, “O Mom! Nobody would ever whistle at you!”

@Val123
Reason to bring back corporal punishment?

On the note of being mistaken for an employee (which happens to me all the time in bookstores, libraries, and music shops…), http://improveverywhere.com/2006/04/23/best-buy/

@SeventhSense Naw! I just shook my head. I mean, I was MOM, not actually a really real girl, ya know! Further, I was clueless about “boys”, of course

I feel stuck up even saying this. They get me more attention than makes me comfortable. I don’t find myself all that attractive, except today, I’m having a really great hair day and my skin is as clear as I could hope for. I guess im harder on myself than I should be but, I dont know, it’s just how i’ve always been. So I always find it hard to believe when people tell me how good looking they think I am. Young men seem to be more friendly toward me than the other employees when I am making them a gyro or a falafel pita at work, but I like to also attribute that to the fact that I am pleasant and friendly in a genuine and sincere way and not in a “I have to be nice for my job” type of way. It doesn’t change the way I act though, I think that would be silly.

@deni
It’s just the way you handle that falafel…oh and your neon skin..

@SeventhSense gurrrrrowllll

I second @Vunessuh And it’s not just in L.A. (I will also never forget the time I was on the MAX – our light rail system – and it was really crowded because the Rose Festival was going on. There was a guy standing behind me who thought it was perfectly acceptable to start rubbing his junk all over my ass. He kept following me every time I moved and I couldn’t get away from him. I was almost in tears when a man in his 40s finally stepped in, got in the guy’s face and told him to “Back the fuck off” and told me to switch places with him. Ugh!)

I get positive, negative, and neutral attention. It’s not really surprising to me because I give positive, negative, and neutral attention to myself as well. I do not wear makeup and I don’t really follow specific trends. I’ve been called ugly and I’ve been called hot. I’ve been called sexy and I’ve been told I look like I got hit in the face with a shovel. It’s all about perspective. How I react to the attention I get on my looks depends on the person. There are definitely things I want to change about myself based on comments I’ve gotten, though.

Well I am an old hag, so my looks don’t work for me any more, they used to when I was young. I am told I have a presence, I am dynamic, have charisma and great warmth, which emanates off me, which is odd, I am fairly cold hearted with lot’s of people.I have big boobs though, so I have to keep them hidden, else I look like a tart.

You know, when a guy is being a creeper in a very public place, just hit him. 99.99% of the time he won’t do anything about it except run away. And that 0.01% of the time, there are enough people around that they can keep him from being too stupid.

@DrasticDreamer I think men know I will hurt and embarrass the frak out of them if they try that sh*t with me. I can be a mean girl.

My boyfriend says that I often turn heads and, although he is definately more observant than I am, I can’t say I have noticed it. When he mentions that someone is checking me out it does make me feel good and so I suppose that would make me appear more confident.

Well I don’t turn heads but I’ve cracked a few, I’ve never been one to fit in with the majority, I look like a cross between Grizzly Adams & Sean Connery, so I’ve been told, women seem to like the look of me??? Their men see a challenge?? I’m just me always have been, always will be!! I like to keep myself fit & in trim best I can but don’t go out of my way to get attention, I’m a bit of a loner if the truth be known! ;-) I just seem to get on better with women of a certain age…..?

I feel like I’m pretty plain Jane. I’m just the girl next door I guess. To really know if I would be treated differently if I looked different, I guess I would have to change appearance and do a social experiment. I usually try not to stand out.

I wonder how much has to do with body language though. It is easier to pretend to be bold while typing. I’m soft spoken though while face to face. I know some people enter a room with a lot of presence. They practically throw out their arms and wait for applause. Some people walk with their head high and a lot of grace and confidence, staring down rude people with a glare. Some people are outgoing and warm. They meet someone in a waiting room and become best friends, even hugging, before it is over.
I think I have a very low profile presence and I actually try to not stand out. Maybe even a little submissive or something. It’s my posture and body language that attracts or repulses people I think, more than looks.

@escapedone7

Well I think ya cute! ;-)

@Scooby Thank you kindly! You seem like quite a large hunk yourself. What nice teeth you have.

@escapedone7 omg I really did lol

@escapedone7

Oh thank ya! ;-)
There all mine too, lol.. Thanks for the hunk & not chunk, lol :-)

My looks get me a lot of unwanted male attention which means I have to explain that I am gay, a lot. You would think that when I say “I’m married” they would leave me alone, but nooo. When I say I am married to a woman that usually stops them in their tracks. Usually.

Nowadays, I get looks that almost are equal to a look of confusion. I’ve even heard someone whisper to another person, “GAWD. She really needs to eat a sandwich or something!” To which I just shake my head and keep on going. I want to yell out, “I have cancer you fucker! GEEZ! Not everyone is trying to be skin and bones!” I don’t, though. It’s really not worth my time.

Today I felt good enough to run a few errands with my husband. We walked out of the grocery store and there was a lady not too far behind us heading to her car, as well. A car drove by us and I heard this guy “moo” at her. I stopped in my tracks. I dropped my bag and spun around and yelled at him. Loud enough that it caught their attention and they stopped the car. The guy yelled back, “I wasn’t mooing at you, good looking! I was mooing at her!” as he pointed to the other lady. I was furious, so was my husband. I yelled a few choice words and turned to the woman, she had tears in her eyes. I apologized for causing a scene – not thinking about the fact that it may have made it worse for her and asked if she needed help getting her things to her car. She thanked me for saying something to the guy and said she would be okay. I got in my car and just started crying.

I hate the way people just treat others so poorly because they think they are ugly or fat…or whatever. I also hate when people go out of their way to be extra kind because they think you look great.

Excessive attention that I don’t understand.

What an absolutely fantastic answer, @cak

@Arisztid

I agree with you about her answer. :)

Cak’s answer reminds of a story I heard about another cancer patient who had her head shaved.
As a result of her baldness, she was attacked by somebody who presumed that she was a neo-Nazi skinhead or something like that.

People seem to find me attractive. I’ve never used it to my advantage in any way. I find it very disappointing for a person to use their looks to get something and I wouldn’t dare do such a thing. Could I? Of course, but my integrity and dignity are too high for that. I have been labeled snobby and self-righteous based on my looks and some of my personality traits. The attention I want to receive is for the goodness within me. I want someone to truly see me. Sadly that is difficult to come by in Los Angeles, and I’m sure the same can be said of other places. If you need to use your looks to get ahead in life, well, I feel sorry for you and I can only hope you find your self-esteem.

I get attention that is generally pleasant. But I don’t think it has anything to do with how I look. However, I do believe in humility to the point where I don’t wear clothes that will draw negative attention.
So maybe thats why I’m not getting hit on? Ha-ha. I only really care about how healthy I am.

I don’t get any special attention for my looks.

I have thought about getting my head shaved for the atrociously hot summers that we have here in Hell A, because of the resultant enhanced cranial ventilation and the greatly reduced tonsorial maintenance benefits.

However, now that I’ve recalled the incident about what happened to a cancer patient who had her head shaved, I’m having second thoughts about doing that, because I don’t want to draw the attention of somebody who might mistake me for a white power skinhead. :-0

With the exception of my chest, most of the attention I’ve gotten for my looks has either been neutral or negative. And I will admit to using my cleavage once to get my car window fixed for free!

I may have recounted this story before, and will apologize now if it’s a repeat. In sixth grade, I made the mistake of telling a friend that I thought a particular boy was cute. We were all gathered around getting ready to leave the cafeteria and as he was nearby, she chose to tell him what I said. Ack! He was standing with a couple of his buddies and his choice was to bark at me. In retrospect, it was a pretty typical response for a sixth grade boy who was likely embarrassed by the situation. Unfortunately, I went to a school system where looks were extremely important. (Look at our class officers, not a bark in the bunch. And there are a million other examples.) This one incident branded me as one of the not-so-pretty people amongst my peers. It took a couple of foreign exchange students – untainted by the system so to speak – for me to realize that I wasn’t ugly. Not that they were hot for me, but both of them told me I was cute. College sucked until my roommate dropped out. Guys talked to me to get to her. She loved it. I was plain enough to be approachable, so I was her… decoy? (Not the word I want.) Happened with another friend in college but not to the point of it being obnoxious. So for me, that was negative attention.

Now, when I look in the mirror I usually think “plain with a nose that’s comes out at too much of an angle.” I also think that if I could survive torture and be sneaky, I would make a most excellent spy. No one would remember what I looked like because there’s nothing remarkable.

@cak – I am so proud of you for sticking up for that woman. Who knows how long she has suffered humiliation like that and no one ever defended her. And obviously, her self-esteem was such that she couldn’t defend herself. Just another reason to love you. ;-)

I wear my hair very long, even though I am in my 50’s. It is healthy and shiny and no gray whatsoever, without coloring it. I still have a waistline and a decent shape. I will occasionally turn around and notice a guy looking at me with interest, until he sees my face. I like to think the obvious negative reaction is due to my age not necessarily matching my appearance from behind and not that I am unattractive. Even when I was younger and was much more attractive than I am now, I didn’t really notice a lot of male attention. I think it is like @escapedone7 said. My demeanor did not invite attention from others and that may remain true now as well.

@tedibear39 I can relate to your experiences. I had many of those that bruised my fragile adolescent ego and laid the foundation for my opinion of myself. I’m sure that is why I don’t extrude an inviting demeanor. I look back at pictures of myself when I was in my 20’s and realize I was really quite pretty, it just wasn’t what I saw in the mirror at that time in my life.

I mostly oblivious about what kind of impression I make. When I do want to look presentable for my own reasons, I dress accordingly.

I would say that my looks don’t impact negatively or positively on the attention I get since I am a fairly ordinary looking person. I do have an open friendly face that often has a smile on it and people do respond to that.

@janbb Penguins are sexayy! :P

@janbb I couldn’t have said that any better. This is exactly my attitude.

I don’t think beauty is an accomplishment. I’d rather be known for being a nice person instead of for my “beauty”.

@meagan @Chongalicious Thanks!

if you got it, flaunt it

@meagan
@janbb
Cute is the new sexy.

I like to keep myself attractive, but I’m not obsessed with it. I’m blonde, I wear make up, I think I dress well, and I don’t let myself go. I mean, it is not an obsession and I am truthfully telling you that I have never gotten any surgery before (beauty wise). No lipo, no plastic surgery, no botox, nothing! But I’m saying that, if I want people to recognize me for anything, I’d want it to be fore my personality.. the inside not the outside. But doesn’t the outside help just a tad too?

@SeventhSense :-)

I have had many different looks throughout my life. I began to get unwanted attention from men for my body when I turned about 14 and for some years I played into it, dressing in a way that would accentuate my body (though I always thought I was fat due to a mother who concerned herself with same and a choreographer who always pushed us too far). I rebelled soon enough against all the objectification, realized I have a brain and ambition and goals and that my life is one of an activist, not a play thing.

Once I entered college, most of my clothes were jeans bought in the men’s section, shirts and hoodies and sneakers – I had a lot to do and no heels were going to slow me down. I also began to modify my body through piercings and tattoos – some are visible, some aren’t and people’s views of me always change based on whether or not they can see my back piece, true story. Later on I had waist length dreadlocks, endearing me immediately to the lesbians, :). When I had many facial piercings, people were less likely to let their kids interact with me for fear that their child would immediately get up and go get their nose ring. They, of course, assume I’m not a mother.

These days I have to wear ‘acceptable for work’ clothing (the dreads and the facial piercings are gone and I really miss my lip ring) which doesn’t fit who I am inside. Unfortunately, if you don’t want to wear women’s clothes, the only other choice is men’s which doesn’t fit me either. I have to interact with a lot of people on a daily basis and I try not to draw attention to myself in any way because the issues we’re dealing with are so serious, nothing should draw attention from it. On the weekends, my style is a mix of things but I take comfort over looking attractive and I can pull off many stylish looks if I felt like it. I rarely feel like it.

People tend to think I’m dumb or mean. : (( However, once they have a conversation with me, then they find out I’m neither of these things.

@MrsDufresne

“People tend to think I’m dumb or mean.”

I have the opposite impression of you and I don’t see how they can think that just by looking at you. ?:|

I make a concentration face. People think it means I am very mad. I am not. lol…so now I am more aware of that face and try to control when I make it. Especially if I want to be seen as mad!!! lol…

@Ltryptophan – I do that, too! People will ask what’s wrong and I have to tell them, “Nothing, this is my thinking face.” LoL! Here I thought I was the only one.

@mollypop51797 – At the end of your post, you wrote, “But doesn’t the outside help just a tad, too?” I think it helps more than a tad. I also think that people may unconsciously react to good looking people in a more positive way. Someone who is attractive may not try to get more or better service, but I would bet it happens anyway. Not criticizing anyone, just commenting.

@Brian1946 Aww, thank you. I guess it depends on which people. Not all think of me this way, but a lot do.

I have always been the ‘cute’ type, not ultra glam, but cute and zippy with a unique style.

I have often been told I am in a ‘league of my own. ’ hahahaha

I have had my fair share of attention but am not one that seeks out validation, from anyone!

I could care less about drawing male attention, especially now as a ‘mature’ woman, though I have to say I have had a few really young guys trolling for the ‘cougar’ thing…ugh! I HATE that terminology and find it very unattractive.

A good friend who is my age and has always been drop dead gorgeous, classic ‘queen of them all’, long cool woman, thing..haha well….she is the most insecure person I know.

Go figure..there is no accounting for some things.

I have always preferred genuine and kind to looks, thats one of those well kept secrets for men…IF a man knows how to TALK to a woman, is sincere and genuine and not an arrogant and shallow ass….he could be the hunchback of Notre Dame and he’d get my attention anyday of the week over the shallow Hal.

Thats the biggest dating challenge at my time of life, which is why I rarely date at all..lol
So many 40–50 something men that still cling to their Playboy centerfold fantasies from 30 years ago. Gag!

@tedibear39 Yes, I agree. The outside definitely counts too! I mean, people could recognize you for your looks. And I and definitely going to say that, my looks matter for me. I don’t want to let myself go, and I if people are able to notice me for my attraction then thats a plus, But if I want to be remembered for anything, it’s my personality. But yes, the outsides help too. (no offense intended) :)

@mollypop51797 – no offense taken! Mostly, I think that it’s an unconscious reaction to give attractive people better service and higher pay .

And yes, it’s certainly better to be valued for what’s inside you. Truth is, that’s not always how the world works. The first impressions that people have of us are visual, unless they are blind.

@tedibear39 Good observation. Attractive people get a lot more positive attention too, for really no reason. It probably increases confidence. To the point where, for some, they become arrogant. I just hate it when some totally-by-chance beautiful guy or girl walks around acting like they some how “deserved” to look the way they do. Like they’ve done something to earn it somehow.

@Val123 How would a person “walk around acting like they some how “deserved” to look the way they do”?

@Facade You know the kind I’m talking about. The really “cute” girls in high school who snub and make fun of the less fortunate. The ones at the bar that act like they’re “all that,” just because they’re cute. Paris Hilton comes to mind. Actually, Daisy Fuentes (sp) comes to mind too. Compare her behavior with beautiful women such as Sandra Bullock and Meg Ryan who don’t act superior and stuck up.

@Val123 Ok, but why assume it’s because of their looks? Wouldn’t a person’s assumption of why another is acting a certain way point out that person’s insecurities?

@Val123 Have you met these celebrities? I’m confused. I haven’t heard these kind of analogies in such a long time.

@meagan and @Facade Just go look up a video of Daisy Funetes (sp) and she how she acts, and compare that to how Sandra Bullock acts. Perhaps they are just acts. Maybe Sandra Bullock is actually really stuck on herself and just hides it really well, and maybe Daisy F is actually a modest, level headed person and just hides it really well. Are you guys saying you’ve never met a “stuck up” person in your life?

Oh…this is fitting – lately the skinnier I get, the ‘sexier’ I am to others – and they all say ‘oh you’re just getting sexier and sexier’ (co-workers say this, they’re women…apparently that means they’re allowed to say such things) and I think it’s probably because I’m skinnier and skinnier and that’s what you think is sexy.

^ Of course if you want the reverse you can always move to Uganda. They love fat women.

@Val123 I’m the most stuck up person I know…

@Facade Now, why you say that?? You don’t seem stuck up to me!

@SeventhSense har har, very funny – you still haven’t responded to my comment on @wundayatta s other q about gender identity

@Val123 Because its true lol. But back to your point, I see what you are saying, but know that it isn’t always true.

Of course it’s not always true! Just sometimes. Well, Miss All That! I can only ask why you pretend to be so cool and smart and not stuck up?!

@Val123 It’s a facade =)

LOL! You’ve REALLY got me curious. I’ve never, every heard of someone confessing to being stuck up! They usually don’t admit they’re stuck up. They just convince themselves they’re better/smarter/better looking than anyone else!

@Val123 You mean I’m not?

@janbb You’re the best looking, smartest penguin ever!!!!

(blushes) Thanks!

@Val123 I’m pretty honest with myself. A friend of mine said I’m “picky” but not stuck up. I suppose that fits as well :)

I really wish I could meet you in real life! I’d let you know what the deal was! :)

I swim a lot and do weights, so I got a good physique——not overly muscular but lean and muscled, a swimmer’s physique, with longish muscular legs, chest, and arms, a small waist, and very broad shoulders. I feel my physique attracts both positive and negative reactions. Some people admire the look of my body, while others (particularly young men) get jealous. Those people who are negative towards me are usually people who mistakingly think that I’m “vain” just because I take care of my body and have a good physique to show for. I don’t know why some people equate having good looks with vanity. I just have a good body, nothing more, nothing less.

I rarely get attention when I dress down, cover up, no make-up, hair not done lol. But when I show more skin like tank top or shorts I do get more attention. I get a lot more attention if I wear something more trendy and put a little more make-up on. It makes me more self-conscious about my looks and raises my self-esteem and confidence.

I think I have a pretty good body. I workout, I’m 34B-27–37. I have a booty, I don’t have big boobs though…but I think that my proportioned body helps to not take attention away from who I am. My friend she has a huge butt and huge boobs and I think often, men pay too much attention to that than her personality which makes it harder. LOL