Have you even been in a relationship where your partner still had very strong feelings for his/her ex?

YES….his ex lived a few houses away from him, and he had known her for years and years, so they were really good friends.

He broke up with me, I was devastated…..and now he is engaged to her.

I guess I was just a character in a short chapter of their amazing love story….good for them.

Not really a relationship, but I dated a friend who was recently, and reluctantly divorced. For about a year after his divorce, he always asked me to functions where he needed a date; I was safe because I was a friend and knew what he was going through and he didn’t have to cover that up.

@j0ey That’s so sad.

Apparently so. Link.

It is not a good idea. You are asking about getting this guy to marry you. I think you had better think in terms of the best interests of you and your baby, and this guy isn’t it.

If he is fixated on his ex that is not just going to go away.

I’m a lesbian – so of course I have!! Lesbians salvage and recycle ex’s like you wouldn’t believe!

Yes, and it was a deal-breaker. At first I didn’t mind, because it seemed that he wasn’t getting over “our” girlfriend easily, and she supposedly wanted to go easy on him. I was the new guy anyway, and they went back 5 years, had broken up 6 months before I met her, and sort of stayed friends. They were also not having any sex, so I figured it was ok.

But it soon became apparent that the feelings were mutual, and even though there was no sex involved, my gf was just as attached to that guy (a complete jerk btw, but that’s irrelevant) as he was to her. They saw each other whenever she wasn’t with me, which was basically every other day. There was always some excuse, like “he forgot something at my place” or “he wanted to give me a break-up gift” but it went on for several weeks, and in the end I’d just had enough and told her “it’s either him or me”. She promised she’d never see him again, but still did (behind my back), and it was pretty obvious that she still loved the guy, even if she didn’t officially want to be with him.

So I told her to just go back to him and get it out of her system.

Yes.
And I realized I was worth more than that kind of crap and got rid of his sorry ass.

@Likeradar You’re damn skippy. May they all crash and burn. The cheaters, I mean, not men. That was not a man bash.

No I can’t say I have. I think though that any separation takes a period of “mourning” it is really how the person handles it. I don’t think it is because they are still in love. It is a period of coming to terms with things. I have been seeing a widow, nearly said window, dam, for two years. In a way it’s even harder to compete with a dead person.

@Lothloriengaladriel: You are asking the same question, but with different wording as “How can I get my boyfriend to marry me?” Here

How many times and how many ways can we give you mature advice? Are you expecting Merlin the magician to show up at your door and change him? You are expending too much energy on him and not enough on plans for you and your baby.

Don’t continue to make us paraphrase, please

Yes, I have. At the time I felt like I was always coming up short. Never quite being ‘enough’ to make them love me and get over the other person. I eventually left because what was the point in being with someone who wasn’t seeing me? I should be enough and I should be the person they’re thinking about- not their ex.

After I left, the next person they were with got the ‘healed’ version of the person I dated. So, at least it worked out for someone, eh?

That’s so bad. I never get in that deep with a woman who cant move on from her last relationship. That’s begging for trouble. If the person would rather be with someone else, why even bother with it? That’s what I don’t get.

The relationship questions here get bad because there’s no common sense happening.

“My boyfriend says he loves me but wants to have sex with other women. Is that cheating?”
“My girlfriend says I should drink bleach with her. Should I?”
“My boyfriend stole everything of value but I still love him. Help!”

Are people reading these before they post?
It’s like Maury Povich here sometimes.

I just looked at your question history. Three weeks ago this guy was cheating on you with his ex. Then you wanted to know how to get him to marry you. Now this.

This is ridiculous. You’re not taking your own life seriously. Good luck to you. But mostly, good look to the baby, who deserves so much more than this bullshit you’re accepting in your life and playing dumb about.

I have very strong feelings about my ex, I despised her then, and I despise her now!.....
But I’m not bitter….....

@Likeradar I just need some reassurance, I know he’s wrong for me, and I’m probably using the baby as an excuse to make excuses for him, I’m trying to convince myself that he’s wrong for me but I can’t talk to anyone IRL about this situation because they would think I’m a horrible person for not wanting to be with the father, So anyway I choose to vent here, sorry.

@Lothloriengaladriel That makes some sense, and of course venting is ok. But why are you asking questions about how to get this kid to marry you, rather than asking for resources and advice that can help you make a better situation for yourself and your child?
It just seems like you want help chasing your tail, or coming up with a magic relationship-fixer formula, if you know what I mean.

@Likeradar I’m consider the best life for my baby but I suppose ordering child support could do just the same, I just didn’t want him to be without a father. I just hate the situation that I’ve gotten myself into, and I hate him even more for doing it to me with all of the cheating and lies, and his stupid ex girlfriend, On top of it he calls me today to tell me his parents found a bag of weed of his, and “he had to blame it on someone” and he actually blamed it on me but he said it was ok because his parents were “ok with it” he’s really something, They don’t know I’m 5 months pregnant, and now they think I’m smoking weed and bringing it to their house.

@Lothloriengaladriel your child will always have a father. What the child needs is a safe and happy home ideally. Focus on that. Perhaps create it in your mind, how you would like it to be. Visualizing does materialize things in that it promotes you into action. But do it at your own pace. “Plan your escape” for want of a better word. You can do it. You have strengths that will surface that you never knew you had. Simply because you are a woman, and you have a child to think of. If you chose to stay, really it is your choice. Then things must change with him, that is a harder battle. But all battles can be fought and won.

You’re giving birth in 4 months – you don’t have forever and a day to figure this stuff out and the longer you wait the harder leaving becomes

I have no idea what role the person I love’s ex’s play in his life if any (or how many he has where they are…... what they do or what kind of person they are..) Nor do I know about his family life in the past or present. I don’t know where he lives or if he has children of his own. I think he may have one but I’m not sure.

I was in a long-term relationship with a man who was very much in love with me, and made that very clear constantly but there was always this failed, long term relationship he had hanging in the back of his mind.

They’d gone to school together and had almost gotten married with the intent to have kids but he pulled the plug and ran away from it all, potentially out of fear. I think he had always viewed her as the woman who should have been the one, but he screwed up. Over the years, I think her and their relationship took on this rosy haze and I felt like the ghost of her was hanging over us all the time. He still put me on a pedestal and was very devoted and loving, but he hadn’t seen her in years and it was just getting weirder when he talked about it. They started exchanging cards and emails for holidays and they were talking about the good times and what could have been. That’s when I put my foot down. I said screw it and that I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him to get his shit together and was pretty much ready to walk away, so I could afford to do something risky – I told him to take a weekend, get together with her and spend some time talking about all of their great memories in person (she lived an hour away) and to determine if they could make it work. He was shocked. He said he was in love with me but I pushed him on it to at least meet her and he arranged a weekend so that they could catch up.

They met with the intent to spend time doing all of those great, interesting things they loved to do and kept going on and on about in their emails….blah blah blah and he came back before the day was even done. What he found once he had met up with her was that neither one of them were the same person any longer. He had romanticized their connection for years, she wasn’t anywhere near as beautiful, funny, etc. as he had remembered and within only a few hours of spending time with her, he actually didn’t enjoy being around her all that much. He began to compare what he thought he had with what he actually had now and realized how distorted his perception was.

This changed our relationship for the better, for the short term and I felt like as soon as he got back, the ghost dropped away and he wanted even more of a commitment, but it just never sat well with me. It drove a wedge between us that ultimately was piled into some of the reasons why we finally ended it.

I’ve only had partners in the sense of serious, exclusive and live-in situations and none of them were ever like this, I would have taken that as a sign they weren’t ready for me. Keeping pictures of your memories and history is one thing, keeping them sitting out in the face of a current partner is rude. The phone calls, well the two of them might have developed a good friendship after putting romance aside but if so then you’d be able to tell it’s “just friends” and not be feeling romantically overshadowed. From what you’ve written of your bf so far, I’d say he’s in a position he wouldn’t have chosen and isn’t quite sure what he wants for himself versus what he feels is right and fair in regards to your coming child together. Good luck with him.

@Lothloriengaladriel SPERM DONOR. Your baby has a sperm donor, not a “father”. His father will be the great guy you find once you move on from this douche bag that you had unprotected sex with. A guy whose “parents” find pot in his room and he blames it on you is not “father” material.

Raise your own child. Or hell, put your baby up for adoption and let some responsible adults who will put it first raise it; donating sperm to conception and giving birth do not make either of you an adult. You have to make the tough choices. You have a child, not a puppy. That deserves the best you can do. Are you saying in all honesty that this fuck-up who is half of your child’s DNA the best you can do?

Step outside yourself for a moment and ask yourself, would you want your child to have an SO like this?

You’re being selfish! It stopped being about you and your wants the moment you decided to have a child. A cheating lying BOY, does not a father make. You can’t make a boy into a father.

When in doubt-remember, you’re better than this!

I think I keep my hope because he’s not ALWAYS like this, This is why I assume it’s his age and mind state at the moment but I think he may slowly be understanding that he’s going to be a father and he is going to be in the baby’s life, Last night we went out for a bit and he kept talking about the baby, and how he wanted to fix up one of our cars for the baby when he turns 16, and how we were going to get a house together..

I’ve also made him aware that he should tell his parents we are expecting by this friday, or I would.

maybe he’s bipolar…

You’re making excuses for him! Stop it. You want what he can’t or won’t give you!

Good-bye and good luck. Never mind a car when the child is sixteen; how about in 5 months when there are 3:00AM feedings and many diaper issues?

He is not bipolar. He is just an immature, manipulative child, and you are an adult who entered a relationship with a child and is expecting him to turn into someone other than who he is.

It is easy for any boy to say he’ll fix up the car, get a house, be the perfect guy. This person’s actions have proven to you that he is the kind of person who will lie to you and have sex with other women while you are pregnant with his child. Are you going to judge him on words or actions?

You’re very well written and I doubt you’re stupid. But your justifications for him and keeping yourself in this situation are stupid. You should be focusing on how you will raise your child- not how you will raise your child’s father.