Should I have helped?

”I decided not to help”

Too bad. Now you will never know.

@davidbetterman Know what? What would have happened? The only thing that I would have intended to happen would be that she get her groceries, and come and pay me back. That is it.

I don’t think I would’ve bought someon’e groceries based on their looks.
What I wonder is how one does not know how much money they have before they go to the store…

I think it wasn’t only about her looks. You wanted to help someone, but couldn’t. I think she consciously didn’t go into your line because she knew she couldn’t pay and didn’t want to embarass herself even more. But it does make me wonder why she went in any line knowing she couldn’t pay. Maybe it was a test for you. I don’t know.

I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much about this. You couldn’t leave your line to help. You wouldn’t have been able to help her if she came in your line. I think it was nice that you wanted to help. Perhaps if you see her again you could make the offer “if you ever need me to, I could help out next time and you could pay me back.”

Wow, well.. that’s a hard pill to swallow. Okay, so you like her but you haven’t talked to her so I don’t think you should pay for her groceries right off the bat. You’ve seen her but you do not really know her. If you would have paid then what would have happened? Would she have welcomed you to a date? You never know, it would have been a nice thing to do but the action you decided to take was good. I suggest next time you see her, say you were sorry about her dilemma. Then perhaps, ask her on a date or something. :D

“she walked up and gave me the sad lip. Like “my life sucks” and noone will be coming to my rescue.”

That’s how you read it. But that’s not what she actually said. She was more than likely concerned with how she could address her problems rather than how well you can ride the white horse of rescue.

I think you’re being played, indirectly, and your inability to act was probably your inner radar knowing that. The pouty lip, “my life sucks” was an attempt to get you to “rescue” her because she knows you find her attractive.

Neither a borrower or lender be. You will never see any money you would put out. Can you afford to give her money without the expectation of having it paid back? If you buy her groceries one time, it could become an expectation on her part. Can you afford to supplement feeding someone else on a regular basis?

Guys are suckers for a pretty face, but pretty and nice are not the same thing. Pretty and deserving are not the same thing.

I agree with lucille and autumn. How would she not know. She knows shes beautiful and that you are attracted to her. Shes probably use to people giving her things, especially guys. She was playing you. Yes it was a test, but I think shes just looking for a sugar daddy for her kids. She may also be genuinely nice but she can be a user and a nice person. Sometimes people do it unconciously. But she really had to know she didn’t have enough. Its called, put something back on the shelf and come back for it later. If she really cared for you she wouldn’t have put you in that position and make you feel guilty for not helping. Best rule of thumb for help. If she was a nice ugly old lady, would you do the same for her or think she should’ve known better.

had you said that she couldn’t afford SOME of her items, I would be inclined to say it would be okay to help her. But you said she couldn’t afford ANY of her items. Something’s not right.

Additionally, you can’t ask her to pay you back. It’s a known fact that she’s having enough money problems already. How can she possibly pay you back? If the situations presents itself again (I have the feeling it will), pay for one or two of her items, and ask her to repay you by paying that act of kindness forward to someone else.

You noticed her because of her looks you noticed her situation because you looked deeper. Should you have helped her? Only you can answer that.

Well of course you were going to do this because she’s a fox. After all, you don’t have the same kind of feeling for the fat, middle-aged (or old), mentally challenged or male patrons, do you? She’s a fox. Any guy would understand.

But don’t try to fool us, too, okay?

Let’s see if I have this right. You’re the one working as a cashier. You’re not making the best of salary. Probably working 38 hours so they don’t have to pay you a salary with benefits. She is the one getting public assistance. I figure you are already helping her. Don’t worry. She’ll manage.
If you start helping by giving money or buying groceries, it will never end. You can’t afford it.
Like they say on the airplanes: “Put your own oxygen mask on first.”

My perception of your description, is this girl is using your interest in her to get you to help her. She sees in you, what I derive from your commentary, a good-hearted, caring young man in a position to help. She makes it obvious she needs help, hoping you will make that move. I agree with those that expressed an opinion that indicates this girl will take advantage of your kindness and probably never look back. Unless you want to take on the responsibility for a young mother and her child/ren, then let her work out her own problems. It is admirable that you are willing to help someone you don’t know. You sound like a great guy.

As a mom who is forced to buy much of my food with food stamps, I first would like to point out that I keep close track of the balance on my card and my purchases are limited by that balance. Second, I am pretty sure that I would have been too mortified to accept the generous offer to pay for my groceries. Not mortified by the offer, but by the fact that it had happened at all. I would want to high tail it out of there and hoped that no one else noticed what had happened. I like to think that your thought of offering help was based on human compassion rather than this lady’s looks. Let’s just go with that.

One more comment to think about. You wrote: ‘She is among the top three most beautiful women I have ever seen.” Take a look and decide how much all that prep work cost.
Keep your money in your pocket. You’ve earned it.

Would you still help her if she were overweight and unattractive?
This is rather rude.

@meagan, firstly I am not blind. Secondly, the point of bringing this up is because I am with you on that. Thirdly, just because she’s russian, physically super symmetrical, has flawless skin, and looks like she has a personal fitness trainer, does not mean that she doesn’t deserve to be a) attractive to men, or b) helped by strangers.

My whole point was that I would not normally help someone, and so I hoped to treat her the same. That said, I have helped others who have come through my line who seemed more needy.

If anything your line of thought emphasizes my dilemma. Did I dispell her need because of her looks? Is the unchasteness of my mind and other minds so knowing of the charms of beauty that we distrust it if it lacks. Maybe that is what has her in the situation she is in.

She had to know how many groceries she could afford that day. Don’t sucker in to this.

@Ltryptophan Youre digging yourself a hole, kid.

@meagan spades are my suit.

@Ltryptophan Before I say anything about it, she literally couldn’t pay for any of the items?

@Ltryptophan ???? You are way over thinking this. Are you afraid of falling prey to a woman’s charms enhanced by beauty? So afraid that you would go too far in the opposite direction?

@DrasticDreamer Nope

@Exhausted I simply want to avoid behaving irrationally due to the sympathies beauty might evoke.

Good point. Sounds as if you have a good head on your shoulders. Trust your instincts. I’m sure you did the right thing.

@Ltryptophan Okay. In that case, I’m inclined to agree with everyone who is saying that she was hoping someone would help her. Unless she’s just really horrible at keeping track of the balance she has left on her food stamp account… It just seems way too convenient.

For the other part of your question… There is nothing wrong with noticing her beauty. Is wanting to help someone simply because they’re beautiful questionable? Yes, I think so. However, you’re also aware that she’s in a difficult position, so it’s hard to determine if your willingness to help was only based on her looks. If you stop and really think about it – would you be willing to help someone else just as unfortunate who wasn’t as attractive? If not, I think it’s good that you decided not to offer assistance. If you would be willing to help someone else in the same situation who wasn’t attractive, or who was male, I think you don’t need to worry about it so much.

I think it was good that you asked this question, because it’s enabling you to learn about aspects of your behavior that you might not have been previously aware of, and it may very well help you in the future. Our reactions to beauty are often a gut reaction, some kind of primal instinct, so don’t feel too badly about your initial thoughts.

Her boyfriend was probably waiting in the car.

@babaji LOL, funny but probably true.

I think its natural to help someone, help for the sake of helping someone in need.

So she’s beautiful. What do you want from her? Do you want to get to know her? Do you want to date her? Do you want to be friends?

I don’t think you would be charitable if she weren’t beautiful, so that’s why you weren’t charitable because she is beautiful. You wanted to be consistent, and not be influenced by looks.

That’s nice. It’s a very egalitarian view. I wish it were the other way around—that you’d also help the ugly woman.

Anyway, clearly this is not about charity, since you would only help the one who is beautiful. So it seems you want something from her? What? And if you want something, then why not buy her groceries, if she’ll let you? Maybe it’ll get you what you want. And if it doesn’t, well at least you helped someone who needed it.

I don’t know, I’m inclined to give her some slack. There was a couple in front of me a couple of years ago who had two carts of groceries and walked out with nothing. No matter how many items they took off, the card was still declined. I know they were humiliated as they left. They weren’t trying to scam anyone. What I’m saying is, it’s possible. You never know what could put a person in that situation.

As for what you should have done, do you think her child(ren) are going hungry? That would be my main thought no matter how beautiful she is or isn’t.

No consensus here, really. I believe I would have helped if the bridge that help crosses had stood even a moment longer. That hesitation is the difference between this question existing and not existing. Gift or none, my intentions were for her attempt to buy groceries to be a successful one. I will ask her what result this came to, and report back. Then maybe if you check you can make a more informed decision.

I don’t want to turn this into a witch trial, but maybe a consensus will be had.

Anyone want to take outcomes, and odds?

You made a decision based on your own ethical criteria. Cut yourself some slack.

One person’s beautiful is another person’s ugly. Maybe you just read too much into this whole thing and wished you had helped her and tried to rationalize it when you didn’t. That’s what I’m going with. I think if you had to do it all over again, you would help her out because that’s what you wanted to do. Someone else, no matter how beautiful someone is, may not have had it in their heart to even think about helping.