Under what kinds of circumstances do you say or hear, "this isn't about you," or "this isn't about me"?

work.

’‘this isn’t about you or me, its about business so dont take it so personal’’

well, the other part of the equation is taking responsibility for your actions. if your spouse is angry with you there’s probably a reason (rational, deserved, or not). you need to understand what you did/didn’t do to elicit that response and they need to consider whether that response was appropriate to the situation.

and @poisonedantidote said it. that and breakups. in the former it’s usually my cue to disregard whoever is speaking, in the latter it’s usually the prelude to something horrible or just makes a bad situation worse.

With my kids, I’ve found it very helpful over the years to own my own stuff. “I’m sorry, sweetie, I was just feeling tired and grouchy, I didn’t mean to sound harsh.’ “I know you can do it; I just worry when you’re driving so far.” I think it’s helped keep my relationship with them positive over the years and helped them grow. (At least, I hope that’s true.) I have also used it with close friends as we get to know each other better and sometimes hit each other’s hot buttons.

Some people’s feelings matter to me because I value that person. Other people’s feelings do not actually matter to me. Certainly most people feel empathy and do not want to deliberately hurt somebody’s feelings. But the truth is, there is no law of nature that says that you cannot or should not do it. The only real inhibiting factors are your own interests (do you want to have good relationship) or your sense of common courtesy (which is not a constant from individual to individual)

Hopefully the other person is also owning their own feelings and not “acting” out or crashing other peoples boundaries. So I think this would only work if both parties were in tune with this very “mature” way of relating. I do think that saying “being in love means never having to say you are sorry” is really a lot of rubbish. Because consideration of another is so important in any relationship.

The phrases in your question do not seem to me to go with the circumstances that you put in the details.

The phrases in the question I have heard when someone in a relationship wants to break up. It means that the other person did not do anything to initiate the break-up, but something has changed for the party that is doing the breaking up. Thus: “It isn’t about you. I just want more space.”

As for what you have written in the details section, that seems like a somewhat confused mess. In the first paragraph, you talk about “owning one’s own feelings” and if a spouse gets angry at you, it is “not about what I did, but about her reaction to it.”

That seems to me to be a twisting of the saying about owning your own feelings. Because you first of all must own your own actions. So if you did some thing that made your spouse angry, then you are responsible for the action that you did. You can’t just walk away and say, “Well, you need to own your own anger.”

I do think you cannot divorce people’s reactionary feelings from the action that caused those feelings.

Mostly at work. I think in familial or relationship disputes it’s hard to just put it down hot and say “this isn’t my problem, I didn’t do anything wrong”. My dad thought he could, and for that reason he doesn’t have much family left (I’m not one of them).

At work, however, it seems like sometimes the only thing I really can do is say “this isn’t about me”. Bosses can be jerks and project onto certain employees more than others, and when your reputation takes a beating for something you didn’t do, you’re not just trying to cool your boss down, you’re fighting for the respect of your co-workers and good standing at the company. I don’t have a lot of sympathy for the feelings of my co-workers when they go way out of line and break through boudaries they shouldn’t.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, is afforded a lot more buffer. I mean, sure I get offended when she crosses lines and goes into things she probably shouldn’t, but I don’t talk to her like a co-worker or business acquaintance when she does, since no matter how not-guilty I am, I still feel responsible for her well being.

If you are always responsible for your own actions… which you should be… then you are equally responsible for that action.

My then-therapist, as awful as I subsequently found her to be, one day said to me in exasperation after I sobbed about how my aunt had just spoken me on a phone call: “Look, none of what she’s saying or doing is about you! How many times do you need to be told? It’s all been her anger, her fears, her problems and that’s how it is! You have to learn to disengage!”

This concept became front and center in my life while going through a child custody battle. No peace was found in that battle until I understood that it wasn’t about me, and it wasn’t about the mother. It wasn’t about her anger towards me, and it wasn’t about my anger towards her. It wasn’t about our hatred, it wasn’t about the past, and it wasn’t about the future.

It was about our son.

Understanding this I hired a second lawyer to represent my child’s best interest in the matter. The judge looked very favorably upon that and awarded me 50% physical and legal custody. But that decision wasn’t really an award for me. It was really an award for our child. The judge understood that it was our child’s right to both parents equally. It was about his rights, not ours.

From that point on, it’s been much easier to listen and empathize with the problem of others, rather than personalizing it for myself. It’s much easier to view things from their perspective rather than my own.

Thank you @RealEyesRealizeRealLies . The thing I was wondering was why this was a part of “true” intimacy. So if you empathize with your partner, and see things from their perspective instead of defending yourself all the time, then they feel understood, and deeper intimacy is achieved.

Although, I still wonder—even though you understand their position and they feel understood, do they return the favor? And if they do, and there’s a difference of opinion, does this help solve anything?

Favors are a one way street, always. We can only hope that when we pave that path to another, that they will in turn pave a path back to us. But there is no guarantee for this.

Let us also consider that the recipient must “find favor” in the favors we send. We must not force our favors to be received. They must be found, and accepted with no requirements to respond. Otherwise, it is no favor at all.

When it’s appropriate.

I’ve only ever heard anything like this when someone was attempting to feed me BS.

I don’t use it to BS anyone. I use it to define my boundaries, and explain my actions are not manipulative or aimed at someone else, but simply to meet my own needs. Here is a hypothetical example that is similar to times I have used the phrase.

“Hey escapedone7 , we’re best friends and you’re always my favorite person to go to the movies with on my birthday. I’ve asked you twice now to come see Demon Gorillas that Eat Screaming Babies and you won’t come. Are you mad at me? Are you avoiding me? Is there something wrong with our friendship? Don’t you still want to hang out anymore? Have I said something that offended you? Why won’t you go to the movie with me?”

This is time for the “It’s not you, it’s me ” line. I have PTSD. I don’t want to watch demon gorillas eat babies. Really I don’t. Blood and screaming is really not my thing. No thanks. I am pretty sure it would take a whole bottle of xanax and 3 days at the mental health clinic to get over it. I can’t do that. No.

” Escapedone, are we growing apart? Is it because I’m fat? Is it because I put mustard in your hair when we were 5? Is it something I said? Are you trying to punish me because I was in the hospital on your birthday and I didn’t send a card?”

“Listen carefully. It is not you. It is me. Horror movies are very upsetting to me.It has nothing to do with mustard fights or being mad at you.

@escapedone7 Any good examples of “this isn’t about me?” I really appreciated those ones about “this isn’t about you.”

I like escapedone7 examples. It highlights for me what seems core to healthy relationship. I am who I am and you are who you are.

It is the best way I know of not getting caught up in psychological defense mechanisms, whether they are my own or someone else’s. It helps me break the pattern of overacting to things taking place outside of me and under reacting to what is going on inside of me. It challenges me to take responsibility for my behaviors. Most importantly it moves me away from depending on someone else’s approval to feel a sense of security, self, and value. It is probably one of my most effective tools for being fully responsible for my own life and happiness.

This doesn’t mean I don’t care for how another feels, it means I am not expected to care for how another feels. It is the difference between doing something because I owe it to another person and doing something because I want to.

Just_Justine describes this really well. A relationship that doesn’t consist of two people who are willing to own their own shit and expect the other to do the same will be constantly stressful at best. A relationship (whether romantic or not) where only one person is willing to understand, empathize, and have difference of experience is tiring and in my opinion unbalanced.

As in escapedone’s example, if her friend really considers themselves an equal part of the relationship they will respond to excapedone with empathy and understanding and stop making escapedone’s choice about themselves. It is an opportunity for the birthday person to take their thinking a step farther and to say “this isn’t about me”. It is about escapedone’s need to take care of herself and I need to find another way to go about taking care of myself for my birthday celebration.

Of course this is not always easy to do.

For me, it is a process of maturation. I have learned and continue to learn that when I find myself in an unbalanced dynamic or that I am incapable of empathizing with a person I am engaged with I need to start placing my energy elsewhere. A relationship that consists of two people constantly practicing and learning how to let the other “be” is worth energy.

@liminal – well said!

@escapedone7
Your answers are part of my ”...something great today” thing!