Do you have your list of all time favorite quotes and one-liners by comedy characters on movies?

Kingpin to me is one of the most quotable movies. My favorite line, we see Randy Quaid in the foreground, and we can hear Woody Harrelson in the background, but can’t see him. We hear a terrible sound like falling, and in the background, “I think I tore my sac.” That and of course in the beginning when Woody is going down on his haggard old landlord, then we see him puking his guts out in the toilet when she calls out something to the effect of, “I don’t know what it is about really great sex that makes me have to take a crap. You must have jostled something loose.” Pretty much any movie made by the Farelly brothers is quotable for me. Like Dumb and Dumber…when they end up lost, but think they’ve arrived in the Rocky Mountains only to see desert, Jeff Daniels exclaims, “That John Denver is full of shit.” Or when Jim Carrey is practicing to tell the object of his desires that she makes him feel like a schoolboy and he desperately wants to make love to her, but when he finally talks to her, it comes out as, “I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy.” Good, twisted stuff.

“Granny panties!” from Zach and Miri
“They’re at work right now” from Knocked Up

Cinderella Story… Out of Nowhere

Rumack: You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.
Airplane!

Here’s a couple of my favorites:

*“Excuse me while I whip this out.”
-Cleavon Little as Sheriff Bart in Blazing Saddles

“I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.”
– John Cleese in Monty Python and the Holy Grail

* “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room.”*
-Peter Sllers as President Merkin Muffley from Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love The Bomb

Ah yes, Blazing Saddles, another of the most quotable films of all time. My favorite line was actually cut out. When Sherrif Bart is seduced by Lili Von Schtupp, the lights go out, you hear her ask if it’s true what they say about…you people, then you hear a zipper and Von Schtupp says, “oh, it’s twoo….it’s TWOO…it’s TWOO.” Right after that, the cut Sheriff Bart’s next line, “You’re sucking on my elbow.”

“I’m Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded.” – Steve Carell, Anchorman.

My family and I regularly quote this scene from “So I Married an Axe Murderer”:

Stuart Mackenzie: Well, it’s a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there’s a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.

Tony Giardino: So who’s in this Pentavirate?

Stuart Mackenzie: The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. “Oh, you’re gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!”

Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate “The Colonel”?

Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!

I can’t say it’s my all time favorite and there are just way too many to list, but because I was reviewing some mortgage stuff earlier, this quote from Ghostbusters popped into my head.

Peter ”…everybody has three mortgages now-a-days.”
Egon “Ray, for your information the interest alone for the first five year comes to $95,000.”

and from the Money Pit

Walter “Here lies Walter Fielding. He bought a house and it killed him.”

Steve Byrne: ” DON’T EAT SO FAST, YOU’RE GONNA CHOKE!!! ”

“Pretty windows!” – Second sight. “Have fun stormin’ the castle!” “Oh my sweet Westley. What have I done?” “You’d like to think that wouldn’t you? You’ve beaten my giant, so you must be very strong so you could be counting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you, but you’ve also bested my Spaniard which means you must have studied and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal so you would’ve put the poison as far from yourself as possible so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!” Princess Bride
“You only killed the Bride’s Father!” Well, I didn’t mean to.” “Didn’t mean to, you put your sword through his head!” “Oh dear, is he all right?”
“Some day son, all this will be yours.” “What, the curtains?”
“The Lady of the Lake, [angels sing] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king!” “Listen—strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical
aquatic ceremony.” “Be quiet!” ” Well you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just ‘cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!” “Shut up!” “I mean, if I went around sayin’ I was an empereror just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they’d put me away!” “Shut up! Will you shut up!” “Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.” “Shut up!” “Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I’m being repressed!” “Bloody peasant!” “Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you hear that, eh? That’s what I’m on about—did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn’t you?” Monty Python and the Holy Grail

“Bueller…Bueller…Bueller.”- Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

The whole “I don’t tip” scene with Steve Buscemi in Reservoir Dogs.

You gotta love Groucho
My favorite line, which they left out: I can see you at home, bending over the oven. But I can’t see the oven.

”I want rustlers, cut throats, murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers and Methodists.”

”…and I’ll tell why I can’t put up with you people – because you’re bastard people! That’s what you are! You’re just bastard people, and I’m goin’ home, and I’m gonna, I’m gonna bite my pillow is what I’m gonna do!”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know!”

”How do?? Welcome to my shop! Let me cut your mop! Let me shave your crop… daintily! Daintily! Hey, you!! Don’t look so perplexed. Why must you be vexed? Can’t you see you’re next?”

@aprilsimnel – your quotes reminded me of these:

“What are your qualifications?”

“Rape, murder, arson and rape.”

“You said rape twice.”

“I LIKE rape.”

<and>

“I hate you and I hate your ass face.”

“Corky, our entire budget for the year is $15,000…and that includes SWIMMING.”

Gadzooks, so many….......well a short list of those near the top:

“I have a bad feeling abut this” Luke Skywalker Star Wars

“Holy dog shit, Texas? Only steers and queers come from Texas pvt. Cowboy, and you don’t look much like a steer to me so that pretty much narrows it down” Gunny Hartmann Full metal Jacket

“Man has to know his limitations” Dirty Harry

“Just when I thought I was out they pull me back in!” Michael Corleone Godfather III

“That smell, you know? That gasoline smell, the whole hill. Smells like…………….victory” Col. Kilgore Apocalypse Now.

Oops, missed the comedy part Oh well…........

I saw Get Him to the Greek this weekend, I think I have a new favorite…

When life slips you a Jeffrey, stroke the furry wall.