Is he depressed? Or just a royal ass? I mean, he’s not shouldering his responsibilities – is that a new thing or has he always been this way? Is this about strict gender norms – as in, he’s trying to find work, but won’t help her out in the meantime because that’s “women’s work” – or is it just irresponsibility?
I don’t think there’s an easy answer. There’s no “easy” way to help with the kids: raising kids isn’t easy. There’s no “easy” way to help keep house: keeping house isn’t easy.
This sounds like a serious problem to me, but it sounds like you’re asking for tricks. I tend not to believe in tricks. Ultimately, they’ll need to agree on how to share their responsibilities. This means having a conversation; it also means honesty, respect, and patience. Easier said than done, I know.
Step One – She should sit down and gather her thoughts:
She should list all the responsibilities that they, as a family, face – all the tasks she performs, all the chores, all the projects. She should include the few things he does do, plus the things that aren’t getting done: the list should be complete.
In a separate list, she should write down the things she likes to do for entertainment or for herself (we all need some down-time), and identify how often – if ever – she gets to do these things.
Finally, she should outline her feelings/thoughts in non-judgmental “I” statements. Not “you watch TV all day, you should help me out more,” but “I work so hard, and have so little down-time, that my nerves are shot. I’m always close to tears and I’m not as patient with the kids as I should be. I think I do more than my fair share around here, and that makes me feel taken for granted – it makes me feel sad and small and alone,” so on and so forth.
Step Two – She should instigate a conversation:
At a time when she’s (relatively) calm, when there’s (relatively) nothing to do and nothing planned, when he’s (relatively) calm, when the kids are (relatively) out of their hair, she should ask for his attention. She shouldn’t jump into the conversation. She should introduce it instead: there’s something important she wants to talk about, and she wants to know if he’s willing to listen right now. If he isn’t, they should schedule a time very soon when they will (as in, “after this show,” or “after the kids are in bed tomorrow night” – not Tuesday three weeks from now).
Step Three – They should have a conversation.
She shouldn’t expect this to be resolved in one shot. If things get emotional, overwrought, she should walk away. Not stomping, door-slamming walking away, but “I want to resolve these issues with you, but I think we need a break from them because we’re getting too emotional. I’m going to make lunch now. I’ll think about everything you said and hopefully you’ll think about what I said. We can talk about this later.”
The goal is to split up that list of responsibilities based on personal preferences, personal abilities, and compromise. You mentioned he’s in physical therapy, so maybe he can’t do the vacuuming, but what about the dusting? Maybe he hates the laundry, but what about dishes? Maybe he can’t drive himself to physical therapy, but what about the bus? Maybe he’s not a morning person so can’t do breakfasts, but what about dinners?
You get the idea.