What's so great about heaven?

Heaven is awesome because it isn’t Hell.

No eternal fires in your belly, no never-ending rotting of the flesh, no incessant poking of tridents, etc.

I hear they’ve got one hell of a band

@The_Idler So it’s the better of two evils? :)

There’s a beer volcano too, and a stripper factory.

It’s got a great, nicely lit tunnel leading towards it.

Is there anyone out there who actually believes in heaven and has some good reasons for wanting to go there? I’d love to hear from them. Seriously.

The friggin’ 72 virgins…duh!!

@FutureMemory As a woman, that doesn’t sound too appealing. Might as well be “72 Bumbling Idiots”...

There’s no empirical evidence of heaven….....so yeah…...

It’s christmas in heaven there’s great films on tv,the sound of music twice an hour & jaws 1,2 & 3

@Blackberry Agreed. I guess I should have phrased the question, “What’s so great about the idea of heaven?”

You can walk on water. I think that would be swell. :o)

Perhaps heaven has been described in the Bible in terms we understand. We cannot understand concepts we have never seen or know. I think it must be that. I remember saying to one Christian person I know “So? we float around all day and????”

What if the devil was just a fun guy. What if he’s just a college frat boy and God is the strict over-achiever?

Or what if the devil’s the fun uncle, and God is the strict parent?

I’d like to hang with the devil then…

@Silhouette
I can already walk on water when there are puddles on the streets. And I can walk on deep water in winter time.

In more seriousness, walking on water sound like it would get old after an hour.

@Fyrius Turning water to wine might be fun for a bit longer. But then you and I’d be kicked down to hell for having such a good time with the angels after…

You think there’s God Pong?

@jealoustome ouch!

NSFW but funny as hell
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXThbqU0dw4

72 virgins of the gender and age of your choice!

@jealoustome I hope I’m not burstng your bubble but your parents aren’t omniscient. Nobody knows what heaven is like so we get to each make our own, Maybe your parents are a little boring and that explains their heaven.

I’m terrified of eternity. Look how long it took to live 60 years, and look at how much has happened to me. What will I do after the first 6,000 years, knowing that it was only the tiniest wink of an eye, and that there is no end to eternity. You think you’re bored now.

These are just the things people tell little kids to make them excited and happy about it. No one knows what heaven is like; that’s the point of it.

Don’t be scared @dpworkin, there’s no Heaven. The Prophet Idler says so.
Just worship me, and I’ll guarantee you not eternal life.

Write me into your will and I promise you will die! Money back guarantee!

@galileogirl I don’t believe a word of the nonsense my parents shoveled at me while I was growing up. This information is twenty years old, so maybe they’ve adjusted their ideas of heaven. I have no idea. But, the boring stuff they mentioned was mostly harvested from that great, boring tome: the Bible. I was just using those examples because they are ideas I have heard from other sources as well, and I think they don’t sound like fun at all, especially for eternity, which is very curious because heaven is the biggest selling point for many organized religions.

If heaven is eternal bliss and happiness, then you wouldn’t be bored because if you’re bored, you’re not happy. People always say “if I were happy all the time it would be boring!” Well no it wouldn’t, because if you were truly happy all the time, you wouldn’t experience boredom.

it is a cool spot to land

Heaven is not a place. It is a direction, toward God. The closer you are to God, the freer, more fulfilled, and more in tune with the universe you will be. What heaven is like depends on what you are like, so it is different for everyone. Heaven is not something that requires a leap of faith to believe in. It is demonstrable.

“It is demonstrable.” WHAT!?! how?

I think the point is that it’s paradise and eternal reward – and what that means, exactly, is unknown to us because it’s beyond our experience and logical abilities. Sounds to me like your parents didn’t know you well enough to envision what “your” heaven would be – or didn’t bother trying. “The streets are paved with gold” wouldn’t mean anything to anyone who hasn’t lived in poverty; likewise “you’ll never be hungry again.”

I don’t believe in an afterlife. I think when you die, your entire being dissolves back into the universe – the physical parts into the physical, the metaphysical into the metaphysical.

@uberbatman Like a Popiel Slicer and Dicer, at the County Fair.

@stump That’s a great “heaven on earth” ideology. I’m really asking what makes people think that an after-life in a place called “heaven” sounds like fun. What will be there that will make it worth subscribing to a particular dogma? The descriptions I’ve heard don’t sound that great. That was my point and question.

@nicobanks So, if you’ve lived in poverty (which I have) streets paved with gold is a good thing? They are completely useless! I do agree with you that that description of heaven was formulated to appease the masses at the time it was written…if that’s what you’re getting at.

Yeah! Will someone who has been there please step forward and tell us what the big deal is?

I think the point is that it’s another one of those “ultimate” things that religions are so good at. Like hell is ultimate suffering and god is ultimate power, ultimate knowledge and ultimate wisdom, and the devil is ultimate evil.

I wonder if any religious people ever find it suspicious that there don’t seem to exist any ultimate things in the real world.

@jealoustome You’re being far too literal – you’ll never understand religion that way. Think it through, and think about what gold represents. The implication and meaning in the idea of streets paved with gold is that wealth abounds and, thus, poverty does not.

@jealoustome I believe in reincarnation. So the afterlife is no different from the present life unless we make it so. We have nothing to look forward to, or fear, except the consequences of our own actions.
@Fyrius I am religious. And all those ultimate things are right here in the real world.
@nicobanks I am with you on that.

heaven or hell, it does not matter. they are both the same thing if they exist. heaven or hell they are both the ultimate torture, eternal life. to live with no end in site. eternal life, be it in heaven or hell are just as bad as each other, to live so long that you wish for death yet know it will not come. its hard for me to imagine anything worse.

eternal life would be a curse.

@poisonedantidote That makes no sense. Heaven and hell are polar opposites by definition. If they exist, they can’t be the same – if they are the same, they don’t exist. It’s like saying “If trees are real, they are big pointy objects made out of stone.” Well, you’re not talking about trees – you’re talking about mountains.

Also, “eternal life would be a curse” – we’re not talking about life, we’re talking about the afterlife.

@nicobanks No need to get condescending. I understand that it was an absence of poverty that was being advertised. And, if you can understand religion by “thinking it through” more power to ya. I know many people who take every passage of the Bible literally. I grew up with them and they are my facebook friends today. I wanted to hear about other ideas of what is wonderful about heaven.

@nicobanks the same in terms of how much of a reward they are.

after 1000 billion years of life in heaven, you will not even be 1% of the way to the end. you will never ever die. there is no worse punishment you could inflict on someone than giving them eternal life. eternity, be it in heaven or hell, they are both as bad. and you will suffer just as much living out eternity in either of them. they are indeed the same thing. the ultimate torture.

Belinda Carlisle knows,apparently she believes it’s a place right here on Earth.Bizarre.

@stump
Is that so? I thought all those things were relative concepts by nature.

Nothing much since the people that mostly concern themselves with getting there are my nightmare.

don’t know

@jealoustome I’m sorry you find me condescending. I’m not trying to hurt you.

If you truly understood that “streets paved with gold” represents the absence of poverty, why did you say they would be completely useless? Figurative language does have to be “thought through”: it absolutely demands it, there’s really no other way to treat it, and discussions of heaven abound with figurative language by necessity. How else could we talk about something we don’t empirically know? Your friends don’t actually think heaven is a physical land with streets paved with gold, do they? So why are you treating the things people say that way?

I decided heaven was like the end of 2001, A Space Odyssey. All souls/spirits/life forces are a part of the same HolySpirit;/Higher Power/God.and the ultimaste is when we are all reunited again. Since this is my heaven and I enjoy living, I throw in reincarnation and we only can reach the ultimate when we can understand God is us,

@Fyrius Okay, I guess you could say that everything is relative. What I was saying is that heaven and hell, God and the devil are all right here. I as a religious and rational person have no need to imagine these things existing in some ultimate abstract way.

@poisonedantidote What’s the point in talking about, thinking about, accepting, or rejecting a concept if you’re not going to engage in its conceits?

There are no “years” in heaven, no time whatsoever; no 1% or any percent; there is no “life” or “living” there. I’m not saying you have to believe in heaven – I certainly don’t – but you can’t say it is something other than it is because then you’re not talking about it anymore, you’re talking about something else.

Let me try another example: unicorns. You’re welcome to believe unicorns don’t exist, but if you start talking about these non-existent unicorns as predatory animals covered in scales, with wings and forked tongs and fire-breath, you’re no longer talking about unicorns: you’re talking about dragons. Similarly, what you’re talking about in this thread is NOT heaven. I don’t have a word for it, whatever it is, but it is ANTITHETICAL with the concept of heaven.

In my heaven there is ice cream but no fat cells

”There are no “years” in heaven, no time whatsoever; no 1% or any percent; there is no “life” or “living” there”
Then what is the point of wasting a lifetime in worship just to attain presence in a realm that you have no relation to and that you can not even start to imagine?

@nicobanks dear dear dear.

ok, do you have any evidence for the existence of heaven or hell? no. so what are these things? concepts. thats all they are, abstract concepts.

hell: the concept of existing forever in a place of torment.

heaven: the concept of existing forever in a place of rewards.

what im saying, is that existing forever, be in with or without time (however that is supposed to work, sounds more like purgatory to me) will always equate to hell, an eternity of torment, because there will come a time when you will wish to die and will not be able to, this will be a curse, a punishment a torment, and this means that eternal life will always equate to eternal punishment. in other words, hell. so as i have already mentioned they both amount to the same thing, an eternal existence of punishment.

what im claiming here is that eternal reward is a paradox, and the only way you can have eternal existence is in torment.

it is you that is not making any sense here, not me.

first you say: ”@jealoustome You’re being far too literal” and then you come at me saying that i must talk of heaven and hell in a literal way, after trying to reject my initial premise by being to literal your self. you are not showing any consistency here and the biased in your argument is very obvious.

if you want me to discuss heaven and hell in your literal terms, you need to demonstrate that they exist, otherwise all you can do is talk of them as concepts, and the basic concepts are quite easy to define, as i have done above. both equate to eternal existence, and that will always ultimately equate to eternal torment, so again i put it to you, that eternal life be it in heaven or hell are both torment and thus both hell.

also, can you please explain how life and afterlife are not the same thing, as by my definition they are both simply names for ‘existing’.

@ragingloli “Wasting a lifetime in worship” Not everyone would consider that a waste (in and of itself, I mean – aside from the supposed “reward”), nor would everyone consider that a prerequisite to entry (some would say that being a good person is enough – which also has it’s own, earthly, rewards).

“A realm that you have no relation to” Why do you say that? Do you mean, we have no relation to it now? Presumably, we would have a relation to it when we’re in it… how could you be in something you have no relation to? Time is a rule of relation in our world, but if there is a realm without time, obviously it would have different rules of relation. “Metaphysical” doesn’t mean “not” physical, like a mere negation; it means “beyond.”

“A realm that you can’t even start to imagine” Who can’t imagine it? People have been imagining it for hundreds of years, thousands even. I don’t even believe in it, but I can imagine it. Imagination isn’t bound by the same terms as accurate description.

i’m the hippie looking forward to a realm with harps of gold and some crowns…...lots of people smiling and music, animals…...bright love. wouldnt even mind some tye dyes in there. we havent been there yet…we have more to learn, and/or endure.

karma…..goodness and a big heart…lead me on. peace

@nicobanks
No relation because everything that matters to humans depends on time. Desire, emotions, actions, relations, everything depends on time.
A realm without time is essentially meaningless to humans.

”Who can’t imagine it?”
Can you imagine being in a realm where you, by your own description, do not live, and where is no time? Describe it please.
Because I can not imagine it. And I highly doubt that anyone else can, being a member of a species whose whole existence and experience is based on the passage of time.
You might as well ask people to imagine a 10 dimensional space. People have problems with imagining 4.

”People have been imagining it for hundreds of years”
Have they? They talked about it, sure. About how heaven is some realm where there is no time and no living. But stringing words together is easy. Imagining the actual thing is a different matter.

Would you like to go to hell instead?

@poisonedantidote Of course I have no evidence for heaven or hell – as I’ve been saying, I don’t even believe in them.

I realize your point is that eternal reward is a paradox – that “eternal existence will always equate to eternal torment.” What I’m trying to argue is that your point is flawed.

Of course heaven and hell are theoretical concepts, but even a concept – even an imaginary concept that does not exist – has definitions. Sure, those definitions can be stretched, played with, but only so far. Unicorns have horns on their forehead by definition. If you’re talking about an animal that does not have a horn, you’re not talking about a unicorn.

No, I never came at you saying that you must talk of heaven and hell in a literal way. That’s the exact oppsite of what I’m saying.

How could there “come a time when you will wish to die” if you’re already dead? How can you wish for something you already have? Why do you assume such a time would come anyway? -because, I think, you’re confusing your experience of the world with heaven.

“How are life and afterlife not the same thing, as they are both simply names for ‘existing’?” “Existing” means nothing apart from the container in which that existence occurs, and life and the afterlife occur in different containers. Not knowing anything about that other container, how could you possibly compare it with ours?

I’ve always heard that if you really want to know what Heaven will be like then ask a child! Some of the things they come up with makes me want to go! Now I’m no scholar or expert, but I can honestly say I believe in Heaven and really want to go there. What will it be like? I don’t think anyone has a real clue as to the answer except those who are already there! Anything is better than this life, no pain, no bills, no worries…

@ragingloli Before I respond, let me clear something up, because I suspect there’s a misunderstanding here. Two posts ago, you basically asked me why you should care about something you don’t care about (something you can’t relate to or imagine). My answer to that question: I don’t think you should. I couldn’t care less what you believe in or what you do about it. My response to that post – my last response to you – was about arguing technicalities. I’ll continue in that vein now:

“A realm without time is meaningless to humans.” I think that’s a big assumption – you’re universalizing your own experience, maybe. It’s meaningless to you – fine. No one could ever comprehend it – that’s fine too. But do we need comprehension in order to find meaning? I don’t think so. What do you think about people who say they find meaning in heaven? They’re faking it? Lying? What do you think about poetry? Or a David Lynch movie?

“Describe it please.” I don’t find meaning in heaven, but I do find meaning in the concept of an ultimate – an eternal, metaphysical, timeless realm or plane of being. That is God’s plane and some part of ourselves reaches out to it, exists in it, though not consciously. It is the alpha and omega, the snake that eats its tail. I don’t expect any of this to mean anything to you: I’m merely describing what I imagine, per your request. Anything I could say could only be representative, not actual: a sky darker than any night anyone has every seen, yet that shines with a light even brighter than that of a full sun. Finger trails everywhere. Frankly, I’m a little shocked by how you talk about imagination. You highly doubt anyone can imagine something beyond the bounds of their experience? But, that’s what imagination is! You’re saying you don’t believe in imagination?!

Stringing words together is easy? Ah… so, you do think they’re lying!

@ShanEnri Anything is better than this life… Careful! You’re tempting fate ;)

@jealoustome That’s just what Lucifer said.

@Fyrius you haven’t been watching your Twilight Zone. That’s hell.

@FutureMemory 72 virgins may be heaven to a martyr, but is it heaven for the virgins?

You won’t be raped and flayed for all eternity by the gaping, stinking, frozen maw of Satan while your tears freeze your eyes shut and your brains are eaten over and over again by demons.

I just read Dante’s Inferno for my Lit class

So I guess gold streets and shit ain’t so bad when you consider the alternative. not that I believe in heaven or hell

@jealoustome a good religion’s way of keeping people in line all the way to their deathbeds. Skinnerian positive reinforcement.

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard and I just vividly pictured it! Nice!

Here is your answer: http://www.jokesaboutheaven.com/jokes_heaven_seventeen.html

A little kid was once telling me about what they thought about Heaven and Hell. They said that in Hell, it was dark and there were fires everywhere. In Heaven and Hell, they all have a BIG long dining table (but of course the one in heaven has a table cloth on it) and both places have the same food. Except, they also have humongous forks and knives and spoon, so people can’t feed themselves using the silverware because it’s SO big! (And also in both places they can’t eat with their hands so they can only get the food by using the silverware). Well, in Hell, since everyone is so greedy they starve because they can’t eat. And in heaven, they all eat because they hold the fork or the knife or the spoon for someone else near. As you can see, in heaven it is a bright glorious festival, and in hell they struggle because they don’t share. So, there is the perspective of a 2nd grader about heaven and hell.

@mollypop51797
It’s certainly more tasteful than the canonical story.

@nicobanks Telling someone not to be condescending does not imply that I am hurt

I said the streets of gold were not useful because they are not. It’s a funny thing to tell people if you want them to think of how wealthy they’ll be in heaven. It’s like what a child would say, akin to saying, “All of the buildings will be made of ice cream and the furniture will be gumdrops.” That was my only point. I understood that streets of gold was meant to show the poverty-stricken masses that gold/riches (equals absence of poverty) would be so plentiful that you could walk on it, but if you’ll read through my question, the point was that doesn’t sound so great because, supposedly, you won’t care about riches because you’ll be so heavenly.

And, yes, I know people who think the streets will really be paved with gold in the heaven they aspire to get to. I don’t feel that my questioning how fun that would be will hurt them in any way.

Being an 18 year old billionaire would be pretty close to heaven.

It’s probably better than being dead.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter .”
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

And the man replied, “I don’t know—my wife told me to stand here.”

Two guys die and go to heaven and are greeted by St. Peter. He asks the first man, “Well before I let you in, did you ever cheat on your wife?” “No,” the man says, “I was faithful and never strayed.” “Excellent,” St. Peter beams, “here’s a Mercedes to drive around heaven.” The man happily drives off.

St. Peter then asks the second man, “How about you, were you faithful to your wife?” The man replies, “Well, mostly. I had a brief affair shortly after we were married, but we reconciled and I was faithful for the next 30 years of a wonderful marriage.” Peter says, “That’s pretty good. Here’s a Corolla to drive.”

A couple weeks later the first and second man run into each other again. The man with the Corolla is depressed. The first man says, “Oh come on, a Corolla isn’t so bad!” The second man replies, “Yes, but I just saw my wife on a skateboard.”

@cockswain Loll..good one!

If we’re going to copy-paste heaven jokes…

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.? “I want to be gorgeous,” and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too” Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guyeventually calms down and says: “Make ‘em all ugly again.”

@Fyrius i didn’t copy-paste, that was from memory. Not sure why I cared so much to clarify that, but my effort felt cheapened. Anyways, nice joke too.

@cockswain
My ever so sincere apologies for cheapening your joke. I’m willing to buy it from you for the original price.

@Fyrius SOLD!! heheh, sucker

What’s so shitty about it?

You are in the presence of the Lord.
It’s like hanging out with the coolest person in the world!

Heaven-schmeven

@janbb . . . i so want to convert so i can do the -sch rhyme with ideas i am poo pooing. perhaps you could give me a temporary gentile pass?

I’ll do even better and welcome you with a “gentle” push-shmush, bubbeleh.

bubbeleh-schubbeleh . . . hey! that’s feels GREAT! thanks @janbb and i’ll put agood word in for you with jesus when the rapture leaves you behind.

Sounds like a plan-schman!

No lawyers and no bureaucrats. No DMV!

w00t!

The love of heaven makes one heavenly.—William Shakespeare

What are the benefits of going to heaven? Or what some men have called it. Well it is more of an acknowledgement for your accomplishments and your having learned what we came here to learn. By evolving into a higher being one would understand the higher laws. How would it be for you that time and distance no longer have any meaning? Learning, comprehension, understanding, belonging and there is so much more would become relatively quick to do. It would also mean that you do not have to live a life like this one again in order to progress up the ladder so to speak. You may even get to help and go to a world where they are learning what we are now and be part of their progression. Knowing where and how you fit in the Universe and feeling like you belong is so very wonderful there are no words to describe it.