What course of action would you take if your partner lied to you?

I think it’s different for everyone.. I hate lying, and suck at lying too. That’s why I searched for someone who also isn’t a fan of lying and cheating, so there’s one less problem to worry about in our relationship. Trust is what our relationship is funded on. If that’s broken, we’ll have nothing to hold on too. You cannot change a person’s personality. Some don’t lie and some lie. “Cat-people sould marry cat-ppl, Dog-ppl should marry dog-ppl.” (War of the Roses)

I’d say that twice is on the cusp of three strikes you’re OUT!

Personally I wouldn’t care to hang around for the 3rd hit.

Not all relationships are meant to last….on a deep fundemental level one who is capable of more than a minor moment of dishonesty is not a good ‘risk.’

It is tragic how many people get stuck in situations where they just keep extending more and more chances to those that should have been dumped eons ago.

But..aaah…..wisdom is hard eraned! lol

Let’s back up a bit. Why would a person remain with a liar? I do agree that there are different types of lies (like ones to avodi causing someone unnecessary pain, for instance), and there are those who continuously, compulsively lie over shit that doesn’t even matter. Essentially, this shouldn’t even be a problem. Do you agree?

At any rate (and to sound totally contradictory just for the fun of it) there have been a few times in the course of our 12 years together that my husband has lied to me, and it was over finances. In his culture, it’s the men who are to handle those things while the women stay barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. So we had to come to terms with that, first. I feel it’s worth it to mention cultural differences, even though it doesn’t apply to everyone.

However, almost every culture agrees that lying is NOT okay. I was able to work through it with my husband by appealing to his sense of decency, and his sense of right and wrong. If he didn’t have those things, the marriage would have failed.

You have to draw the line somewhere. You either end up settling for a liar, which means you sold yourself out (and you end up enabling this person WHILE you are settling for second best, which means you are putting out massive effort toward making things right in your life without the person who supposedly loves you does little to nothing) or you end up moving on.

In the end, very few people can answer this question without also being reminded that they compromised both thier dreams, AND what they are worth. That this question implies is that we ended up settling not for what we wanted, but much less. Why has this become okay, might be the better question :)

i would ask myself why the person had to lie about this. did he lie because if he told you he was friends (or whatever – you did not give too much detail) with the girl(s) you would go off inappropriately? or did he lie because he really wants to preserve the whole situation so he could continue whatever action he was doing, with maybe the eventual goal of sex with them. if you think about it and determine that he lied because you would behave inappropriately if you found out he was doing something innocent but with the opposite sex, then i would try to change my behavior if i were you. however, if you determine that he lied because he maybe wants to continue his actions and “get with them” in the future, then i would consider ending the relationship.

some more details would be helpful—like what were the circumstances?

My partner lied to me all the time, but he was lying to himself at those times too. So lots of times I didn’t even know it was happening; and other times, if I asked him why he’d told me stuff that wasn’t true, it would confuse, hurt and anger him; and other times, when it hurt me that he’d lied and I would cry and
berate him, he would be humiliated and therefore get mad at me.

And yet he loved me and wanted to make me happy.

But alas. In spite of the highfalutin’ claims of people who are young and idealistic and would never, never put up with any variety of abuse, many people, including all of you, are not as conscious of your motivations and complexities as you think; and you too will find in time that people you’ve trusted and will continue to trust in a deep way will lie to you without even knowing it,and you will – (trust me) – forgive them. Even if you’re humiliated in doing so.

leave him

I’d breakup. It’s not whether or not the person cheats but that they conceal from you something that known is then hurtful, disrespectful and maybe humiliating. People should really talk about what their boundaries are, what they consider to be harmless, innocent, inappropriate or insult and then make the calls from there.

thats not enough to make me leave a marriage, but a relationship and we’re only dating? i’d breakup with them.

some more details would help – because there are variables as @casheroo said.

I give my husband the three strikes you’re out policy. I believe that depending on the level of how bad it was, I can determine if he gets another chance, or if there’s no hope for us anymore. But with 4 kids, we both are really committed to each other, it’s all about trust in each other, how strong our love for each other is, and how much our kids mean to us, and that’s what it’s all about for us.

It’s hard to say how one would react to your situation. I would hope the relationship would be strong enough to survive, but that’s not the case so very often. I agree with you in that there seems to be a lack of understanding how much our playful actions may hurt someone we love.

I would evaluate the severity of his lie, why he lied (was it to protect my feelings, or was it just to cover his arse?), how long he has been lying and whether or not i could get past the lie. If it has affected me so deeply i would not be able to look at him the same again then i would suggest and end be brought to the relationship. However if being without him hurts more than the fact he lied, then i would want to work through it.

And in answer to your sub question, we are shitty to each other because we breathe, and eat, and sleep.

@thriftymaid just said it perfectly with, ”...there seems to be a lack of understanding how much our playful actions may hurt someone we love.”

A person might think sexual innuendo back and forth with a longtime friend and accepting their risque texts is innocent and harmless. Their partner finds out and thinks it’s disrespectful and inappropriate to the relationship that the partner hasn’t put an end to the behavior, hasn’t set boundaries for their friend, hasn’t considered themselves reacting is inappropriate in the whole exchange. It’s not physical cheating but it’s a super common scenario in the here and now. Sexting, web cam chats and believing by omission no emotional harm is happening is a stall when in reality, just the knowledge of acting on the sly affects how that person sees their unknowing partner and acts with them. Most of us know the feeling of, “I don’t know what it is but something is different or not right.”