How can I slowly leave the nest?

Also, I don’t want to ruin our relationship..

Do you want to leave the nest or do you want to drink, smoke, and do illegal things? You seem to be treating these two things as basically equivalent.

I would just sit her down and try and make her understand…If she doesn’t then I would just move, I am sure she’ll get over it when you guys meet a couple of times after you-ve moved out;)

It’s not clear to me whether you want to go out more or move out? Tell us which it is and we can help more.

fact is, you are still 17, and the law says ’‘nearly 18’’ does not count for shit. she is still your legal guardian.

however, the very second you are 18, you can do what you like and they cant stop you.

im 27, i moved out when i was 15 nearly 16, my parents let me but they told me ’‘you are not ready’’ guess what… parents are normally right on this kind of thing.

you have no idea what you are getting your self in to. pay rent, tax, electricity, travel to work, food, wash your own clothes, cook your own dinner. at the moment you think ’‘i can do it, its not that hard’’... well it IS that hard, in fact its harder. your life will soon become: wake up, breakfast, go to work, come home, cook dinner, eat dinner, clean your clothes, do paperwork, watch and hours TV and get some sleep ready to do it again the next day. if you try and go out, you will be too tired to work, you will lose your job and have to come back home to hear ’‘see i told you so’’.

im not defending your parents here, or discouraging you, once you are 18 you are free to do as you please. but dont delude your self that it will be easy and fun, because it wont be either of those things.

Okay, I need freedom. I’m totally straightedge. For example, I wanted to go to my bestfriends birthday party and she didn’t let me go cause I had to do chores and babysit. I do that everyday though. And by “leaving the nest” I mean exploring, NOT drinking etc., but socializing with my peer group.

I don’t think the OP equates drinking and smoking with being on his or her own. I think they were stating that through past behavior the OP has proven to be trustworthy enough to be responsible, and the short leash is not required.

@escapedone7, I couldn’t have said it better myself. That’s exactly what I ment.

@mayratapia_ Sounds like a very reasonable desire. Maybe you can schedule a time to talk to both your parents, tell them what you are telling us and see what objections they raise. They may be holding you on too tight a leash. If you can negotiate a chore schedule and more freedom, it would be good. If they become unreasoable, you may have to become more forceful or confrontational. Perhaps you could enlist the help of a trusted adult to stand with you in your requests.

Sounds like your mother may be afraid that once you leave the nest you will never come back.

Can you get a job as a camp counselor or some other temporary job that will get you out of the house for part of the summer?

That way you can gain some independence and your mother will know she is getting you back, so she may be more willing to let you go.

My moms also going through these occasional mood swings so when I DO bring stuff up like independancy, I feel as if she takes me as a big joke..

Unless your mom can’t wait to get you out of her hair you could have a battle on your hands. Mommies do not want to see their kids grow up so fast., Plus in her defense 17/18 is awfully young to cut out on your own. Rent, bills, and all the other expenses of being on your own is a huge responsibility. She may know you better than you know yourself and is only looking out for you. Your best bet is to start talking openly as she does know this time is coming, she really does…just listen to what she has to say and you could end up having a powerful ally on your side.

Do you work? Do you pay any bills?

To clear anything up, i’m not moving out just yet.. When I say leaving the nest it’s more of getting her off my back. She babies me A LOT. I’ve still got college ahead of me and moving out is not an answer for me. I’m just referring to moving out of the “baby” stage that I’ve been in. Imagen being 5 for the rest of your life. You can’t drive cause it’s dangerous, you can’t sleep over your bestfriends house cause things can happen, you can’t go to the corner of your block because your mom can’t see you..

ok, but do you have a job? Do you pay bills? Do you have any kind of responsibility to prepare you for the “real world”

@Violet Sounds like that is what she is trying to get from her mom…the chance to learn the kind of responsibility she will need in life.

How can he if his mother doesn’t allow him out of the house? That’s the point. His mother isn’t letting him out of the house enough to prepare for the real world. The real world is going to be a shock. There should be a transitional phase between being over controlled and cut loose altogether. You know what I mean? I have even heard a social worker insist on it before returning a teen from foster care to his real family. She said he must be allowed to do some age appropriate activity and that was one of the conditions. Over sheltered kids aren’t prepared for the real world.
Mom must have some anxiety from something that happened to her as a kid or something.

There’s moving out and being independent, and there’s moving out but your parents still pay all your bills. Are you planning on going to college? If so, plan on living in the dorm. That’s a good transition to being on your own. If not, plan what you’re going to do after high school, and start saving money. To move out successfully, you should plan on having $7000 – 10,000 saved up. It will cost you about $2,000 – $3,000 to move out—deposits, first and last month’s rent, furniture, household goods, etc. and you need a cushion of cash in the bank in case an emergency comes up. And emergencies do come up.

If you’re not planning on going to college, you will need figure out what you’re going to do about health and dental insurance, as you will no longer be covered by your parent’s plan. Also, any prescriptions you take could be expensive without insurance.

Plan how you’re going to move out, and start learning all the things you will need to know. The fact that you’re responsible is in your favor.

@WestRiverrat thank you, but I would like to hear from @mayratapia_ about what level of responsibility she is familiar with

@mayratapia_ What culture do you come from? It does sound as if your Mom is being very protective of you.

I’m Mexican. And being a female, I’m not allowed to work until i’m out of college. My dad is a proud man. As of responsibility, I care for and disciplen an eleven year old, 2 year old and one year old while my mom works, I can cook simple meals, I do my laundry and on occassion my moms laundry, i make phone calls that need to be done to unfamiliar places because of my parents bad English. I’ve been doing this since I was about eleven. My sister who is also eleven doesn’t do any of what I’ve had to do. I do all of that and of course the basics: washing dishes cleaning up my room and living room.

@mayratapia_ Sounds like you have plenty of responsibility and now need to negotiate some freedom. Maybe there is a priest or other authority figure in the neighborhood who can support your quest for more rights?

You make your own life love, It’ll be all up to you soon. Don’t let your mother stand in your way, once your 18 that is. If she makes you feel like it’s going to ruin your relationship, that isn’t fair. Your intitled to live your own life and make your own decisions.

I would work on negotiating living on campus once you start college. Do you have friends or cousins who will also be at school that you can live with?

@PandoraBoxx, I’ll be going to a city college & I believe there aren’t any forms there, only apartments, all of my friends live near the school to begin with.

I would check to see if there are any housing arrangements. That will probably be your best angle. In the meantime, sign up to volunteer for an activity after school so that you don’t have come right home, and have a little more freedom and control of your time. It sounds like you’re ready for controlling your own schedule.

You don’t sound a teen who would tell a parent you want to move out just to see the parent’s reaction. If you did, that’s deceptive and immature. There is a lot to do prior to walking out of your parents’ home. You didn’t mention college, career, or anything regarding “how” you think you might become independent.

@thriftymaid She’s not talking about moving out. Read her posts.

Become a runaway.

@PandoraBoxx, unfortunatly I’m homeschooled): I wish I could sign up to anything, really..
@neverawake, I’ve already been through that phase, absolutly not an option anymore.

Oh honey, you need to find a way to get out of the house. Church youth group you could join?

@janbb We rarely go to church and when we do, we go in the early morning cause it’s better for my mom to keep the girls quiet.

I think that gradually you need to establish some autonomy for yourself without disrupting what seems to be a loving relationship. I would look in the class catalog of a local community college, and see if there’s anything that interests you: a cinema course, a second or third language, ceramics, First Aid and CPR, life drawing, poetry, whatever appeals to you, and take a class or two. It gets you out of the house without being confrontational, and it’s a place to meet people and to begin establishing yourself as an individual, which is coming soon, anyway.

I agree with dpworkin, she must be scared of you going out with your friends and ending up getting drunk, etc. This is a really good way of easing her into the fact that your your own person without giving her any reason to worry. I don’t see how she could argue with you joining some kind of class or group. Especially if you realy realy want to…..

@janbb “Recently I’ve ben talking to my mom about how I’d like to move out.” I don’t know any other way to interpret it.

@mayratapia_

I am not sure you can win in this one, because it would be trying to reason with someone that is not acting upon reason. Your mother’s anxieties are probably based on something in her own past. If you do try to use reason, explain that people skills or social skills can be as important to a person’s future career as their school subjects. Being home schooled and locked in a house with little kids doesn’t let you practice social skills with peers in your own age group.

Perhaps she would be less anxious if she knew of a place with activities that she believes is safe and supervised. Places like that near me would be Boys and Girls club , Teen Town, area youth groups, and things like that. If there are some activities that involve adult supervision in a relatively safe environment that would let you interact with peers your age, it would be ideal. However I do not know what is available in your area that would fit that description. I hope you can negotiate a way to get out of the house at least once or twice a week for some age appropriate activities with kids your own age. If not, make the best out of the life you have. At least you are safe and provided for, and know you will have an opportunity to take some college courses later. Will that be next school year? That is not very long. The college will have some activities for you to get involved in. Check out what student activities are available as soon as you enroll for classes.

Do what the baby birds do-stand on the rim of the nest and take a giant step. But just before you hit the ground remember-catching worms takes a lot of time and effort and cats are everywhere.

@galileogirl, it took me a while to understand the true meaning of what you said but well put(: although we are speaking of slightly different things.