Why does my mum keep hassling me about making her a grandmother? (Or not making one her as the case currently stands)

She’s thinking long-term wise , maybe ? It’d be nice to have someone/some people to grow old with .

I think I can’t tell what’s in her mind. She might has specific reason(i.e. see all her children grow up and have their own family,looking for your own offspring,etc). But you can tell her(she might be a bit old fashioned) that it’s not a necessary(important) thing to do as her child. And you feel happy the way you are now.

First I’ll say I think it’s a horrible thing for a mother to do to an adult child. You, your relationships, and whether or not you want children is no one’s business except you and your spouse. There is no answer for your other questions. Married people may be happy or not. Same for parents. These things are just part of what makes up a life. You can certainly have a full life without marriage and children. It’s up to you to know if that is what you want.

Perhaps she wants to see you married and settled with someone you care for.
Perhaps it is her concern for you that keeps her asking these things.

All you ever want for your child is for them to grow up happy. Perhaps she is looking to the things that made her happy in life as a solution to your apparent melancholy.

It could be that she is uncomfortable with the idea of you being permanently childless, as some women find it hard to imagine being fulfilled and content in life without having had children.

Either way, only you can make you happy. Marriage and children aren’t necessarily going to do the trick, much like winning the lottery. Check out what this guy has to say concerning happiness.

Are you neat? Are you thin? If both answers are “yes”, she’s worried you’re gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

are you jewish, italian, catholic, or mormon?

@worriedguy Hahahahaha, no, I dont think I’ve ever been described as thin…. altho I am reasonably neat :)

@Bronny None of the above I’m afraid…. English, & atheist… altho my mums Church of England.

What’s It All About, Alfie?

Do other things to make your mom proud, or if she’s completely unreasonable, try not to let her influence your life too much.

I think you should flat-out tell you mom, nicely and respectfully of course, that you are glad she cares enough about you to be concerned for your happiness but you want her to stop asking about marriage and children. Tell her you are happy as you are. Whenever she starts to bring up the subject again, remind her that you don’t want to discuss it and change the subject or leave. Set your own boundaries and insist, without any drama, that she stick to those boundaries.

As for the “why” of it, I have no idea. My mom is always after me to have a baby and I already have three kids! She will even say I should have a baby and send it to her to raise (as if I’d ever put a child through that, ugh). The scary part is, she isn’t kidding.

@MissAusten Hahaha, thank you for that…. somehow my mother issue seems less troublesome now :)

My mother-in-law pulled that one on my wife since she was 16.

My mother-in-law is documentably not right in the head. Borderline Personality Disorder often makes one think that the world revolves around them and not only do the wishes/needs of others not matter, they don’t exist!

BTW – Most of my wife’s dozens of cousins have kids, are poor, most are HS dropouts, and a few have had drug problems. The only childless ones are my wife and one cousin who went to college, never got into drugs, and earn enough to live on their own if need be. Guess who the two failures are (according to momster)!

Gawd damned Baby Rabies….

@jerv Holy crap! I’ve suspected for a long time that my mom has BPD too. She refuses to even consider seeing a therapist, so is not diagnosed. The description of histrionic personality disorder fits her to a T though. What’s funny is my mom started in on babies when I was still a teenager too. What kind of normal mother does that? I can sympathize with your wife!

Did she marry early and have kids early? My guess is that she either thinks that is how it should happen in life, or if she didn’t marry and have kids and end up “eternally happy” and she feels like she missed out, she doesn’t want the same thing to happen to you.

As a 67 year old grandfather of ten, I can say with a fair degree of probability that she just wants to see and hold the little ones who will live on after she dies. It’s the only bit of immortality we can ever achieve at this point in time.

I think she is probably just thinking ahead for your future. She doesn’t want you to be alone, and she wants the family name to live on! ;-)

@lfino Thats one hell of a guess! She was married at 18yrs & had my oldest brother shortly after. I’m in my early 30’s…

Is she happy? Does she want you to be just as happy as she is, perhaps? Or is she miserable and jealous of you?

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Another remarkable piece of observation… I dont think my mums ever been happy, or at leat, not in my life time. Sometimes I dont hink she can be happy unless shes unhappy, if you get my meaning.

@JeffVader Yes, I get your meaning – you must be talking about my own mother. This life, this marriage with kids + misery is the only thing she knows, even if she can’t see that she, too, is unhappy. Seeing her daughter (I’m assuming here) without kids invalidates her choices or decisions that she perhaps never really wanted to make – she is clearly projecting, lots of parents do this and it is annoying.

I’m 18 and my mother informed me the other week that I need to hurry up and make her a grandmother.
Completely serious too.
I don’t understand it. Mothers are weird.

@rangerr it was done to them

@Simone_De_Beauvoir My grandmother never asked them about having kids. She ran a daycare in her home and didn’t want other babies around.

@rangerr Blimey…. thats nuts! You’re only just old enough to vote & she’s wanting you to get knocked-up…. at least my mum waited abit longer than that!

@rangerr well, maybe in that one case, :)

Ask if she’d like to pay child support herself ;P

Don’t feel bad. Many parents do the same thing.

Hell, my mother used to sigh “Oh, I can’t wait until you grow up and give me grandchildren”, at the same time she kept me sequestered in my room at all times that didn’t include school or church, disallowed me from forming friendships in the outside world, and ultimately (when I finally met someone) tried to destroy my relationship and ruined my wedding.

She’s never even asked to meet her grandson.

@meagan Hah, I like the way you think :)

She got angry when I broke up with my ex. “I THOUGHT YOU TWO WERE GOING TO HAVE KIDS.”
I feel like she’d try to kidnap them when I do have them.
Maybe I’ll just chain them to me when I go visit.
@meagan Oh, she’d spoil them anyway. She spoils my friend’s daughter more than she does my sister or I.
@Seek_Kolinahr Booo. Maybe if you’ve formed friendships with the outside world, you’d see Star Wars is better~ ;D

@rangerr

You still can’t beat Spock coming back from the dead. Sorry. ^_^

@Seek_Kolinahr Good grief…. I sware, the worst thing that can happen to children are their parents. I’m so sorry she’s behaved in such a…. crazy way…. It’s just, illogical :)

@Seek_Kolinahr Fett escaped the Sarlaac pit. Take that, elf man.

Came back. from. the. dead.

So you have a zombie with pointy ears hanging out in space. In spandex. Cool.

@Seek_Kolinahr, SHE HASN’T ASKED TO MEET YOUR SON????? Yes, I was screaming there for a second, sorry. That is entirely sad. Does your son want to meet her, or is he old enough to realize this yet? Or is it a situation where it would be best not to meet?

I think everyone’s mom has BPD.

@Seek_Kolinahr i hear you with the raising…my parents kept me locked up too…your mom is missing out more than your son is obviously. what a little snot.

Empty nest syndrome?
Parenting is something that should not be attempted until one is ready. You could explain this to your Mother. A child brought into the world deserves every advantage we can give it. It would be unfair to deliberately have a child for which one is not ready. This includes being in a loving, financially stable relationship.
Then you could maybe buy her a kitten.

According to a study I saw on the NPR website, parents are not happier than the childless, but other studies and convential wisdom hold that married men are happier than single ones.

I believe your mother is pressuring you because (depending on the culture you live in) marriage and parenthood increase a person’s status. Especially for people of her generation, having a spouse and family equals success. Many parents believe that their children’s success reflects well on them, and that their children’s social status influences their own. Furthermore, if all her children have many grandchildren, that increases her status among her agemates. Don’t believe me? If so, listen in on a group of older women sometime. What are they most likely to talk about. Aside from their hobbies, most of them will brag about their kids and how many grandkids they have.

Of course, just because she wants you to be fruitful and multiply, it doesn’t mean you have to. She’s already had a chance to live her life. Now it’s time for you to live yours, and that means deciding for yourself whether you want to live the single life or take the family path. If your mother continues to pressure you, say, “I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you become a foster parent or sponsor a child in a third world country? There are lots of needy kids out there.” Maybe then she’ll take the hint.

Are you an independent successful self supporting man? If you’re not there yet then maybe this is her way of saying, “get on the ball with… something.” My mother gives this same talk to my sibling who is 30, still in college with no major degree, never had a “real” job aside from babysitting, never yet been off the family dole, blah blah.

@lfino

It’s a long story that a few (probably many) on here know bits of at least, but my son’s 19 months old, and my mother and I haven’t spoken since before he was conceived due to my cutting off contact after the last physical encounter between us.

I keep in touch (distantly, to my chagrin) with my younger sister, who still lives with her. In my mother’s eyes, I’m the wicked woman keeping her away from her grandson, even though she beat me up, and she has never once made a motion to appear regretful of anything other than the fact she has a battery charge on her criminal record – which, again, is my fault – much less try to contact me in a friendly or (ha ha…) loving way.

@Seek_Kolinahr, so sorry that you had to go through that. I see your reason for keeping your son away. Sometimes ‘goin’ to Grandmas’s’ isn’t the normal stereotype it’s made out to be. I don’t know what your sister thinks, but I would think she’s confused considering being where she is, but I hope the two of you can, at some point, have at least a reasonable relationship.

I love all 6 of my grandchildren and I am so happy with them, but if my sons had chosen not to have any, I would have found a different way to make myself happy.

Perhaps she isn’t aware of the foster grandparents programs, or other possibilities to enjoy being around children. Perhaps she loved her grandparents so much she wants you to have children to enjoy it as well.

You could ask her why she thinks it is so important, and open a new line of communication with her.