How can I find my self-worth? Where does self-worth come from if not my actions and accomplishments?

Self-worth is somewhat self-explanatory.

It comes from your self.

All of this stuff comes from within you. You have to believe you can be something, which will result in you trying to be something, but it does seem like we aren’t anything unless we are somewhat a productive part of society, whether it’s being a parent or having a decent job, not just flipping burgurs.

I think your logic might be internally contradictory. You acknowledge that self-worth can’t come from any particular source, and then ask, “So what source should I get my self-worth from?”

It sounds like you may need to reframe what you think self-worth actually means. I think possibly you are defining it this way: [self-worth] = [the worth a person has] = [the sum of great things about a person].

What this book is trying to say is [self-worth] = [acceptance and acknowledgment that you are inherently valuable].

Two ideas that I think are relevant:

“We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

The second doesn’t come in easy quote form. Borrowed from the Unitarian Universalist church, one of the core principles is a belief in “the inherent worth and dignity of every person.”

So yes, you get to have worth, rights, and dignity by virtue of your existence. That is as much a part of being as breathing is, only granted to you by society rather than biology.

The fatal flaw of perfectionism is that projects rarely are completed due to the obsession with being perfect which isn’t a reasonable goal.
Better to complete a project and see what you can do better next time.

If you can handle one more book, I think you might consider Self Parenting.

It is designed to help you hear and quiet your inner critic. It is very helpful in understanding self love, which is the basis for self esteem.

That was an interesting perspective of procrastination. I thought I was just being lazy. I think there is a bit of fear in procrastination as you stated to do with perfectionism. I also believe I find my own worth in a job well done. Which can be exhausting of course. I am no expert on self worth however I do believe it is to do with action and response. The ability to perform certain actions to a satisfactory level and encompass a good response. Like a lateral reinforcement. For example you can do well at designing web sites (internal) and you receive praise (external). So it becomes a circle of perpetual reinforcement. When we get depressed we stop performing the internal actions and in turn receive no external reward. I don’t think it is within us naturally. Or maybe it is in the sense of we are born with self acceptance and self worth. After that during our informative years, we rely on external feedback which promotes the growth of or alternatively adverse of self worth. So the internal initial self worth is broken by the external feedback.

Self worth can be skewed for example if we put some idea, institution or person above us the external lateral praise is received from above us as in vertical. Which further places us in a “lower” self worth situation.

Perhaps self respect can determine or be used as a stepping stone to self worth. With self respect acknowledgement of our imperfections, and acceptance of such, understanding our limits can be our strengths, knowing our boundaries and how to assert them without out anger, managing personal relationships in a positive manner, those types of behaviours can earn self respect and therefore self worth. Sorry I wrote so much but I did not really understand self worth, which is also part of self concept and self image and ego. Those are not loose terms but important.

Self Worth is your self-esteem. It’s not based on achievements; it’s based on the significance you place on your life outside of performance. It’s all a matter of how you view yourself, not how others view you. You are a capable, beautiful, worthy human being. That is self worth.

@ThrallKiller how do we get self esteem?

You can’t “get” it. It’s inside you. It’s already there.

@ThrallKiller I am really interested in this idea, so if its there, where did it come from, how does it show? why wont it show? It is like a package inside us waiting to burst?

If so I need to burst mine!!

You’ve answered your own question.

@Just_Justine You’re born with self-esteem just waiting to grow and bloom. As you get older people can try to tear you down with hurtful comments and if you LET them, it will damage your self-esteem/ how you view yourself. If you ignore the hurtful things, and realize who you are is special and lovely, it will “show” to everyone around you. A good self-esteem will make itself known to everyone from the way you smile, the way you treat others, the way you might seem to shine or glow when people look at you… Your happiness or contentedness with yourself WILL show. Just as disgust with yourself and sadness will show. (Being happy with yourself or loving yourself is not narcissism, it’s healthy. Bragging about yourself to others is narcissistic.)

Everyone has self-esteem or self worth. It may not be the same as your self ideal, but it’s there.

Don’t stake your sense of yourself on what this one person wrote in a book. There is plenty of other wisdom to be found elsewhere. The wonderful thing about advice is that there is so much of it, of so many different kinds, that we can usually find some that suits us.

Your value as a person comes just from existing. But that’s not what you’re asking about, is it?

I would have said that one’s self-esteem does come from what one does. It’s not something that others can give you (no matter what educational faddists say), and it’s not something that anyone owes you. You create it out of your own accomplishments. You learn, you do, you gain strength and ability, you achieve, and your sense of self-worth and confidence grows out of them.

It doesn’t bother me to disagree with your author. I’m not selling books.

Don’t get hung up on the words. You don’t have to subscribe to someone’s theory just because you spent $14.95 on a book. One size does not fit all. Focus on doing what is in you to do, and allow for gains over time. It would be pretty sad for your far-future self if you looked back from the age of, say, 60 and said, “I haven’t improved at all over time. I haven’t learned anything. I haven’t gained any skill or polished my talents. The line of my achievements is flat.” But you can only improve if you aren’t perfect yet. Start where you are now and build on that, and never mind looking for formulas.

I came to terms with my own perfectionism, which was definitely interfering with my progress, when I arrived at the realization that I am simply not capable of perfection, no matter what. Even under ideal circumstances, which will never occur anyway, the capacity for perfection is not in me.

That was a tough realization at first. It took a while for me to swallow it. But I came to understand that that’s really okay. We live in an imperfect world, and it’s the right place for imperfect beings like ourselves. Show us perfection and we will always try to destroy it. Imperfection means we can change and grow. That is the goal.

It’s only to others that we are what we do. To ourselves, we are whatever we believe we are. There is no such thing as self-worth, nor self-esteem, nor even self-determination – there’s just self-love, and it’s lack.

@ThrallKiller : the skill of brushing off emotional stress and abuse is a skill that has to be taught and learned like any other. It’s neither innate nor extremely common.

I will sell you a fresh batch of self worth for $2,000 if you like?

My self-worth comes from my unique free spirit…....I know I’m special, dang it.

You cant accomplish it, it’s just there.

You are only what you do. That is the only way that you can be judged and scrutinized. If what you are is buried somewhere in your head, nobody but you can no what you actually are. At that point, it can be anything you say. It is what you do that exposes you to judgement. If what you do is not in harmony with what you believe, then you are corrupt and dishonest, and this eventually leads to psychological problems.

Yes, get rid of everything.
Get rid of what you have accomplished, get rid of what you think you are and have achieved, get rid of or let go of all of your thoughts of self worth and importance.
we’re looking for self worth here, not self importance, and inflated ego.
We want to see our true value, the truth of what/who we really are when all of the embellishment is stripped away….,we want to see the Soul of our existence, our powerpoint within…...
Our self worth is and always has been. Your self worth is in realizing who you are. The fact that you are an eternal being and have the keys to the universe within your hands has a lot to do with everything. and the self discovery of this is enlightening.
Actually, if you could let go of everything, let go of all the thoughts, let go of all the searching for answers, and If you could be completely still for one second, you would see your own light within, and completely discover what you are worth. In a split second you can find your self-worth
it’s all within the Self. when you find the center of your universe, you find the heart of your soul, you find your “worth” in this existence, and you are priceless.

I think it has something to do with not worrying so much about what others think, and like @Blackberry said it comes from winth in yourself.

Self worth is primarily a schema, a way of thinking and acting that you have adapted as part of your repertoire. These may seem carved in stone to us, but they never are. They can be reframed by changing our behavior and our manner of thinking about the issue.

This requires some work, and a strategy, in order to make sure we are substituting an adaptive schema for the presumably maladaptive one which we are trying to replace.

It’s not the easiest thing to do without assistance, and I recommend that people get help from a counselor who has been trained in cognitive-behavioral therapy, but if you are interested you can try reading what I consider to be one or two classic works by Dr. Albert Ellis, a pioneer in the field.

Hey! I’ve read that book by Neil Fiore too. And same as you, I, too, had a hard time figuring out what self-worth is.
Presently, I think the answer is as simple as this:
Self-worth is just A THING! It’s something. Everybody has it.
And you deserve respect because of it.
But if want admiration, praise from others, you have to possess something other than self-worth!
I think besides self-worth, there is something like ‘added value’. If you do some work brilliantly while others cannot, you are possessing something that people don’t, so you get admired, and you get MUCH MORE respect for just being someone who has ‘self-worth’.

To sum up, self-worth is just something that everybody has. And you get an ‘average level’ of respect because of it. If you want sth more than that, if you want to get admired, if you want to get more respect, you need your ‘added value’ which is directly related to what you do.

Note: Personally I think respect has different levels. Just think about the respect you give to your boss, your kids, your spouse, your pet, etc.