Why are we so passive when it comes to funerals?

The funeral industry has built up a pretty nice racket over these kinds of feelings.

I think the problem is that we (Americans, anyway) don’t like to face up to, acknowledge or admit that Death gets us all in the end. (Even to the point of capitalizing ‘Death’ as a proper noun like that.)

So the funeral industry is able to capitalize on these feelings of guilt and non-acceptance by promising that “if you really love your [whatever], then you’ll obviously want the more ornate and higher-profit-margin casket, vault, and service”.

I agree that those feelings are weird and out of whack. I don’t attend many funerals, including the ones for my own parents, though I loved them dearly. They knew it; I don’t know or much care what others thought.

See The American Way of Death_by Jessica Mitford, published 1963 and updated in 1998 as The American Way of Death Revisited

”The American Way of Death was an exposé of abuses in the funeral home industry in the United States, written by Jessica Mitford and published in 1963. Feeling that death had become much too sentimentalized, highly commercialized, and, above all, excessively expensive, Mitford published her research showing the ways in which funeral directors take advantage of bereaved friends and relatives of loved ones, and sweet talk them into paying far more than necessary for the funeral and other costs, such as a grievance counselor, a title which they allowed themselves completely without merit.”

You really need to read The Loved One, A Novel by Evelyn Waugh.

I know! I despise them They even asked me if I wanted a last prayer, when I said yes that was another R300. bloody stupid it is. I reckon we need to overthrow them but how, too many laws in place I tried.

The expense really is unreal if you went for one with all the bells and whistles…I sometimes think they are masters at psychology as they know how to play the game to get maximum return…I remember being asked how many cars we would like for the family and when they said 1 it was more a case of….are you sure 1 is enough?? I mean are you really sure you don’t need 2 or more? I’m sorry but I think we know our family better than you do.

Equating cost and grandiosity with love and respect, it’s the “American way”, even in death. Though it’s certainly not limited to the US.

@wonderingwhy
What kind of love and respect is due a dead person? They certainly get no benefit from said respect.

@davidbetterman yep they certainly don’t.

the funeral is more for the living who have been left behind than the person who has died…If we have given them a good send off we feel better about ourselves

@cytonic_horus Whom is this we you reference?

a general we….it doesn’t change what has happened but we now have a better understand of death and what happens as opposed to earlier where it was much more ritualised as we try to hedge our bets or beliefs in what happened to the person.

We (again a general we) don’t really need a big elaborate thing….was it being disrespectful to the dead when they were buried in groups in dolmens or passage graves in the Neolithic where their bones would be divided up into categories? (skulls in one part, thigh bones in another etc)

@cytonic_horus ”.was it being disrespectful to the dead when they were buried in groups…”

You cannot disrespect the dead, as they are dead.

I’m donating my body to science.

@davidbetterman disrespectful to the memories of the dead then

My Grandmother was whisked away and cremated immediately. At her behest. There was no funeral. Again at her behest. About three months later, the family got together and remembered her. That’s how she wanted it. I like the idea/

sounds great

I think everyone should set aside some money for their eventual death with specific instructions as to their final wishes.

The funeral industry has got to be one of the most exploitive business there is. Just when you think the worst is over, you’ve kicked the bucket, and these vultures come along and take one more chunk out of your ass. I’m going to have a cardboard box for me and lots of music and a big party. When the music gets loud enough to wake the dead, I’ll jump up and join the party.

When my boyfriend passed, the wake was held at a local night spot. Musicians & bands from all over the state showed up for a giant evening long jam session. (He was a well-known & respected radio DJ – had a Sunday radio show called Tunes ‘Til Two for more than 20 years.)

In short, it was a party. It wasn’t disrespectful. It was the way he would have like to be remembered.

It can be what you want it to be.

Deep six me in Davy Jones’s Locker. Don’t waste time nor money as I will be long gone and could care less.

My first husband and I agreed before he died (and we were really young to even be thinking about it, I’m glad we did) that we didn’t want the other to spend a lot of money on embalming and caskets. We decided to have a memorial service and be directly cremated. When he died unexpectedly, I was glad that I knew what he wanted and didn’t have to feel guilty for not spending money I didn’t have.

my mom is a control frea k. even in her death planning. sometimes we just need to honor their wishes.

Well. if the funeral is in our honour, it is understandably that we are somewhat passive. If not, well I don’t agree that they are passive. Many become a pleasant social occasion. The last few that I have attended were celebrations, not mournful events.

This is a great question. It’s such an exploitative industry. I don’t want any loved one of mine to have to/feel the need to spend a fortune on me when I’m already gone. There’s plenty of time for that while I’m still here ;) Really though, as has been mentioned, I think they should be a celebration of the person’s life.

You are free to decide how to put your loved one to rest. The solemn dark ceremonials you mention are available to you if that is your choice. Memorial services are for the living, not the dead.

I was floored when we were handling my dad’s arrangements. The things they offer (offer…sell) for funerals is equally amazing and disgusting. It’s scary. The cost is ridiculous.

We knew what my father wanted and carried out those wishes. Our memorial was only marred by one thing – an overly preachy – against our requests – person conducting the service. Other than that, we had pictures of my father when he was laughing and having a good time, all over the place. We were playing his favorite music, from Celtic music, to the Eagles and everything in-between.

The first place we went to, but we were too small potatoes or them – I’m not kidding, they referred us to someone else based on the lack of cost of the service, said they could do everything we wanted for $4,600. The second place, a wonderful man that helped us with everything (we are trying to overlook the idiot that was doing the service) did what we asked, didn’t try to sell us anything we didn’t want and it was under $2,000. It wasn’t because we wanted to be cheap or couldn’t afford more, but it’s ridiculous to take advantage of people at their time of greatest despair.

My husband has two choices with me, either a green funeral; currently offered in a bordering state or cremation. I don’t want any of the extras and do the memorial at our house or our favorite park. Save the money, use it on the family.

I once went to my favorite Irish pub, and it was oddly quiet. A bunch of people were in the back drinking and having a good time together, but otherwise it was empty. We sat down and the bartender brought us our usual. When we asked what was going on he told us it was a wake for the other bartenders room mate. I suppose he let us in and served us because we were such regulars, I would have expected him to say, “sorry, we’re closed”. But we had beers so we had to finish them. Then the bartender whose room mate had died called me over. I didn’t even know his room mate, but there was no leaving after that. We drained all the Guinness and had to switch to Murphy’s. Also made a serious dent in the stock of Bushmill’s. Everyone had a great time telling stories about the deceased, laughing, singing, and of course drinking. That is the only kind of funeral I want to have.

I hate funerals.It is a time when everyone should show respect and respect my decision not to attend them.
I think the whole fixing a corpse so the family can see it is disgusting.
‘Oh he looks so natural, like he is sleeping!”
It is a casket, moron what is he a vampire?
ya people look soooo natural in a casket.
no thanks.

@JackiePaper I think the whole fixing a corpse so the family can see it is disgusting.

Most funerals that I have attended in the last couple of decades are not open casket, I think that aspect is fading as a part of normal ritual.

@JackiePaper actually, there are a few people whose funerals I wouldn’t mind attending (even though I think I’ve only attended two in my life so far), and to see an open casket.

I’d want that so that I could verify, “Yes, it really is her,” and… I’d have a hatpin or something similar to jab (discreetly, of course) ... to verify, “Good, she really is dead.”

And then I could leave with a smile on my face.

I’m passive because I think I might get in trouble if I build a funeral pyre in my backyard. If I wouldn’t that’s exactly how I’d like my cremation to go. Big fire, keg of beer, a few nib-lets for my guests.