Do you let anyone control you, and why?

My dog. He demands someone walk him at least 3 times a day or he’ll poop and pee in the house. Its just easier not to argue with him because either way I lose.

I sure do, Rangie. My husband controls me, my kids surely control me, my grandparents control me, my friends control me, and if there’s anything left by the time all those people are done, I might control me, too. Basically, you have to bend in order to have a two-way relationship. The ones that expect me to bend unerringly just because they say jump are the ones that get diddly. If, by controlling me, you mean try to change me or decide who and what I do and when I do it, I find those people are more comic relief, than anything else.

@phillis you are under my control. It is past your bedtime.:)

@Pandora Yes, ma’am! I mean, no, ma’am! I mean, YES, MA’AM!! ACK!

There’s the normal give and take of relationships, then there’s being controlled. The former is necessary if we are to live together. The latter is unacceptable for most of us.

Where there is a disparity in power within relationships, it is largely because one or the other party has surrendered a portion of their power to the other. Sometimes this is overt, but most times it is not. Exceptions to the rule are the parent/child relationship, which is lopsided because of the lack of understanding and experience on the part of the child. When there is considerable power disparity within an adult/adult relationship, either it is by agreement, or the relationship is in trouble.

The only person to whom I willingly cede control to any degree is my wife. I do so because I love her and not for any other reason.

My boss- if I have to suck toes to get paid I will do it.

The police- tickets and jail time sucks

The government- OH no! I haven’t filed my taxes yet! How much time do I have left?

Housing codes, city ordinances, stupid laws

I tried to object to the seat belt law. I should be able to die if I want to. I can’t win. Why can’t I let my grass grow to 9 feet high? Who the heck needs a fire exit? Why can’t people leave me alone?

Um. Embarassingly enough, my father, and sometimes my brothers, ( I live on my own. I just don’t have a keep out sign nailed to my door… yet.)

An abusive ex that tries to control from afar by constantly threatening me.

My therapist and psychiatrist, to some degree. (I do not want to hear one more lecture about unhealthy coping mechanisms but if I freak out I know somebody’s going to be coming to take me away ha ha.)

Society- I have earned the equivalent of an Amish shunning over and over again .

In all honesty I usually do adopt a submissive role in friendships and relationships. I am slowly growing out of it with LOTS of therapy… I think. That submissive behavioral conditioning goes way back to early childhood.

Control: It sounds akin to manipulation. If you allow someone to control you, then you have no power. This is different than people having influence over you.

@phillis Hi Phillis, Do you mean the kind of control you have put yourself in by getting married and having children. We do have a certain amount of duties to care for these people, but I like things to stay as equal as possible. My husband is 80 and has learned in the last 5 years, how to cook and clean. I figured if I could do the domestic things early in our marriage and still help 8 hours a day with his construction business, then he needs to learn household duties. I don’t think there are girl jobs and guy jobs. We are basically the same, we have 2 arms, 2 legs,1 brain, muscles and ability. Besides I love to share. I had a controlling sister and when I was little I began to feel subservient to her. I did not like that so when I found out I didn’t have to, I became my own boss.

@escapedone7 Mine went way back to my childhood too. But by the time I was about 10, I took my own power back and she had to stop. You don’t need a therapist for this. You need to stop giving your personal power to other people. It is not theirs, and they don’t deserve it. You are not responsible for then in anyway shape or form. You are only responsible for what you do and say. Let them have their power, but keep yours, you need it to function properly.

@phillis Once again, you have reduced the answer to reality. TY.

I still seem to allow my children to manipulate me somewhat although I have become much more resistant to their efforts to use guilt to control me.

Most others quickly discover that asking me for something gives them much better results than any kind of effort to demand things of me.

@Rangie Good on you! It feels good, finding your inner strength, doesn’t it?
I was referring to the notion that some people seem to feel that bending, or compromising to meet someone in the middle, equates to control. As you said yourself, bending, aka being “controlled” by others, is an indispensible part of relationships, even in business. An unyielding personality won’t get very far, period. Since we’re all dependent on each other, it’s best to back your ears and join the human race.

@UScitizen – I just about spewed my Coke at one of your answers right before I responded to this thread. Damn, dude….you’re a riot!

@phillis Yes, Stubborn people may think they have control of themselves, but actually they are not bright enough to realize that they are not in control of anything. They are too stubborn to let themselves be seen as a human being, therefore they miss out on relationships and education.

@Rangie My stars! You are so right. I don’t understand how we got so twisted in our thinking that many of us think of stubborness as a sign of strength. REAL strength is compromising, sometimes going as far as relying on blind faith to meet a person not in the middle, but all the way to thier side, when they feel defeated. We all have times when we feel like life won that day. Blind faith is the hardest thing to accomlish, but it brings such lovely rewards.

I am not with people who want to control me. I have no need to feel that I control anyone. Attempting either way is a waste of time and energy. What outcome could someone possibly be seeking?

Unless you are an independantly wealthy loner, others will have a degree of control over your life. I willing allowed my lady to control our social life, realizing that I had no aptitude in that area. A healthy relationship involves power sharing, with ultimately a balance between partners.

@stranger_in_a_strange_land

I look at that more as shared responsibility rather than “being controlled.”

nope. I am strange. i don’t like to control people either.

My mother wants to control my and my kids’ lives – she doesn’ t succeed but she sure annoys the shit out of me. No one should control me or anyone.

@phillis hum, smart minds do think alike. Well stated phillis. The last thing I want to do is physically or mentally control anyone. I do want those people to physically and mentally control themselves though.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir If your mother would spend as much time controlling her own business, I believe she wouldn’t have the time or desire to control anyone else. Perhaps a few questions in her direction will give her something to think about.

Nobody, at this point in time.

@Rangie Let’s not get too far in our expectations! We must be realistic :D

@Rangie She doesn’t have any of her own business – she came from a breed of women who lives for their husband and family without any outside interests. My fathe recenlty passed away and she has clawed herself into my side and isn’t letting go.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Does she live with you? Maybe you can carefully word a suggestion to her. Mom, since you are such a loving, giving of yourself person, now might be a good time for you to do some volunteer work at the hospital, or nursing home, or something that needs volunteers.

@Rangie She does indeed live with us and I have tried every approach under the sun (for the past 15 years) to get her off my back – nothing works…I am now a mother of two myself and she’s only gotten worse. There is no hope.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir There is always hope, don’t give up.
I believe there are people that pretend not to get it, hoping it will go away. But, it doesn’t go away, all it does is force the other person to get more firm with their wording, which may hurt their feelings. However, they are the one that is forcing that to happen, not you. You deserve the right to live your life the way you want, and in peace and quiet.
How old is she? Does she have enough income to move to a retirement home? Is your husband living with you as well?

@Rangie She’s 54, I don’t believe in shuffling off parents to a retirement home (we are not American) and yes my husband lives with me and my kids. My grandmother and aunt are also with me, I keep them with me no matter how obnoxious they are.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir

What does being American have to do with shipping your partents off to a retirement home?

@CaptainHarley I think it’s quite common here in America whereas it’s an unheard of concept in many countries – in our culture (Russian and Armenian) everyone lives together, there is no such thing as your parents or grandparents living elsewhere – soooo, I was just pointing out that I didn’t grow up here and am informed by different ideas (not better or worse, different)

@Simone_De_Beauvoir If that is your culture, then you expected it, right? Plus, you have other relatives living with you. Either point blank tell her to get off your back, or apparently it is your choice to live that way. Soooo, I would say ” don’t complain if you are unwilling to do something about it” I don’t mean to be unsympathetic, but only you know what you have to do. Sorry

@Rangie Things aren’t as simple as you say because I have said this but there is a difference between fights and kicking them out – they can’t afford to live on their own, I (with grudges) deal with her shit because I choose to be above my annoyances for the sake of repaying my mother for her giving me life. As I said, she doesn’t control me, there is nothing she can make me do but the process bothers me each time I have to explain myself.

I admire you @Simone_De_Beauvoir ! That must take endless patience, tenacity, and heart.

@escapedone7 I don’t have patience so I cry out of frustration quite often during the week – things are so much more complicated than they seem…when I had my first child, I fell into a severe postpartum depression – my mother was there to take care of my son, she took him downstairs during the nights – I got better after a couple of months and he’s about 4 now but she has never let him go, she never (in her mind) returned him to me even though I now have another child and am completely competent – she still thinks he is her child and I had to/still have to fight for every little thing to come under my control and not hers (it took years to get him back here upstairs, so many barriers, so much shit in my direction) – when he finally had a room here, it was a turning point but he still spends too much time down there with her when I want him here with us and he uses (he doesn’t know any better) this to manipulate me in his toddler way…and I respond too strongly, cry, get upset.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I am sorry Simone, but you don’t owe your mother anything for giving you life. She did the for herself, not you. I would say your choice is misguided in this case. Have you thought about how this is affecting your 2 children. Don’t underestimate them, they see nearly everything. Fights are not productive for anyone and it does not solve anything. Why can’t they afford their own place? Perhaps they can rent a house and all of them can move in together. I don’t care where you come from, sometimes we have to buck the cultural system. Obviously you are not happy, and if you are unhappy, your husband is too, and your children are not stupid so they must feel the tension in the house as well. It is up to you my dear to right this situation, because I will guarantee you it is not going to get better. But will get worse faster and faster.

@Rangie Not just for giving me life but for raising me, moving me when there was a war to safety, moving me later to the U.S., supporting me through college, etc. I think you are making many assumptions rather than asking questions. They will not move in together because I don’t have a reason to tell them to fuck off – they are elderly, in a foreign country, without the language skills and all have health issues – I will not let a stranger, let alone my family, go away like that. And I am quite aware on how fights affect my children, thanks, we don’t fight in front of them, plain and simple. And yes sometimes I’m not happy but certain things are above me and me happiness. And clearly you’re projecting whatever in your life on my situation. If I thought for a second that living here is bad for my family, I wouldn’t live here. When we came here to the U.S., we had my father and grandparents and brother alive. That was only 13 years ago – we have faced SO much loss together, you have to take the good with the bad – I am a just person and can not justify leaving them.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Okay Simone, I understand what you are saying. Is your husband also from Russia? Believe me, I am trying as hard as possible to find a way to help you. I don’t mean to offend you in anyway. I also took care of my mother. She had a brain tumor and surgery. Thank God she survived and I took care of her off and on for 25 years. When my father passed away, I moved mom in with me and my husband. I can’t relate because my mother was an angel. She even referred to herself as “your baby” when she was wet. But, she was taking so many medication just to keep her alive. Her doctor said I was endangering her life by keeping her with me, as I was not qualified to take care of her. Sadly I had to put her in skilled nursing home.
I hated it, but we don’t always get to do what we want. But, believe me I am trying to understand your situation. Your mother is very young, so she will most likely be with you a long time. It is very important to find a common ground with her. Perhaps you could take her with you to counseling. I know you don’t want to hurt her feelings, but you want her to get the message.
I think it might be natural for a mom to project her ideas to her daughter, I did, but, my daughter would clearly say ” That is my child mom” I thought I was trying to help, but she saw it as suggesting she didn’t know what she was doing.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I forgot to ask you, are you going to expect your children to take you into their home?

@Rangie I don’t believe I asked for help but it’s nice that you care. My husband is American and his parents do not live with us, they live in their own home and like it that way. He understands where my family comes from and moved in here willingly and recognizes the pluses amongst the minuses- his interaction is limited because he pretends not to speak Russian (though he’s learned quite a bit). Her health is not at the level where skilled nursing care would be required – and even if that was the case I’m aware of all the options out there in terms of home health aids and visiting nurses (I am a public health professional that specializes in social and health services for cancer patients and families). So, she is not at that point and I should not let her piss me off – that’s growth I have to do – separating ourselves from them because I let her get to me is preposterous. I have taken her to counseling – and my therapist never wanted to work with her again (true story). As for my children…I’ve never really thought about it…but no, I don’t expect this of them unless I am unable to care for myself and am a widow…then yes I’d expect it. And I hope to have the clarity of mind to be a help not a hindrance.

Have to go to sleep now, early work day tomorrow

@Simone_De_Beauvoir So sorry I thought since you posted what you did, you were in a way asking for help. I see now, you were just finding a venue to complain about something you are not willing to remedy. Good Luck

@Rangie Actually, if I need help, I ask directly – I don’t do mind games. Secondly, I was not simply complaining (but hey, you read into it however much you want in order to validate your choices). Thirdly, I can not stress enough that there has been a lot of remedial action taken and frankly I no longer feel comfortable explaining it to you again, perfect stranger who likes to play armchair psychologist. But, thanks for playing. Night.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Maybe you need to go to another forum. You seem so mixed up, I don’t even think a psychologist can help you. You say one thing and then another. I was not playing any games, I was responding to someone that seemed to be miserable. Since you no longer feel comfortable explaining it to me, as I seemed to the the only one interested enough to try to make suggestion, then you need to go away. After reading your bio, I can see why you are a very confused person, and it is my bet you always will be. Sleep well.

dont be controlled…..you will be if you screw up.
people are as free as they want to be.
some people thrive on a leash, it motivates them. not me though. anybody tells me how to live my life gets schooled really quick. especially those religous ass hat accept jesus or burn in hell bastards.

they are too controlled to realize that they are burning in the hell their mommy and daddy or whoever raised them are talking about already.
they are zombies…..the walking dead dreaming of the day to play ping pong with abe lincoln or some other kooky shit

@Rangie Who are you to make such judgments?

I do, to a certain extent – sure – in that I flex myself to the expected attitudes of a certain situation. For example, when I worked, I became “Work Alex” where I cover my tattoos and wear a tie, and such. This isn’t really me at all… I remember specifically feeling like I was dressing up, like in a costume like my dad, for work. We are all controlled to a certain extent by others’ expectations of us. I’m a closed off person with my parents, certainly… the only time I’m really not being controlled is when I’m alone or with my love.

@Rangie LOL. Who are you again? I don’t need to go to another forum and I’m not confused – clearly, complex situations and dimensionality to people are concepts that are way over your head. You probably have no clue what I’m talking about in my profile and I don’t get why you are such an arrogant mofo but I will not allow some random (that’s what you are, little rangie, a random) dictate my actions on Fluther, a site I’ve been on for over a year, one that will not welcome you if you keep pushing the way you do.

@Rangie, speaking of control, are you trying to control @Simone_De_Beauvoir and dictate how she should live? If she gives up the life she has built for herself simply because that is what you think is best for her, then she is only letting you control her instead of her mother. Hmmmm. Was this question just a ploy to draw in people who confess to sometimes being controlled so you can in fact try to control them, change them, and dictate how you think they should live? Just a question.

@escapedone7 @Simone_De_Beauvoir @JeanPaulSartre
I am not trying to control anyone. I was merely making suggestions (and idea or plan put forth for consideration) that she may not have thought of.
After what each of you have said, I am now prepared to make a judgment call. You seem to assume things about me that are totally incorrect. How dare you criticize someone that was only trying to help.
I could care less about her choices of how she wants to live. If that is what she wants, then stop bitching about it.
But when someone says that someone is clawing there way into your side and won’t let go, and there’s no hope, and she is obnoxious, and things are only getting worse. It sounds like they are looking for a solution. It would have been better if your post ended with, I’m not looking for any help, because I wouldn’t change anything.

@Rangie Then you made personal judgments about Simone? That’s not trying to help. I didn’t criticize you for trying to help, only your later assertions that she is mixed up and beyond psychological help. She wasn’t “bitching” or asking for help. You’re not being a boy scout when you say that kind of thing, so don’t try to stand on the moral high ground.

[mod says] Flame off, folks. Let’s stop making this so personal.

@augustlan You are so right. We did get way off topic. We were leading to nothing good, that would help anyone.
Thanks