How should I handle this chronically negative family member?

I would risk starting a family war than spend any more time listening to someone whine like that.He is lucky to have a job.

He sounds like my mother.

My mom isn’t going to change, so I simply limit my time around her, and brace myself whenever she calls, only taking the calls when I know I can handle it.

If you think he is hopeless, you can do the same. But has he always been like this? If not, he may be depressed for reasons both relating to and having nothing to with his job. In that case, trying to figure out what the cause is or him coming to the realization may help get him out of the rut.

You could also gather the rest of your family and stage an intervention…

Is this a family business he is working for? Ask him what he thinks he should be doing… What’s something that he can do (work) that will make him happy…

If there’s some reason why he has to do this job that you’re not letting us know here,the answers that you get here are probably going to be skewed and useless to a point.

I’m with @lucillelucillelucille on this: lots of people face a Hobson’s choice at some point in their lives (‘this horse or none’) ... and then make the best of it.

Tell him when he calls that you’re not putting up with complaints, and when he starts in on that you’re going to hang up—and then do that. If he wants to talk to you he’ll have to find another topic, or at least a more entertaining way to complain. (Which may also be an option for a career change: most comedians have had awful experiences as children and / or as adults that they translate into funny, entertaining or at least thought-provoking narratives—and make a good living that way.)

Just say, “gee that sucks.” Agree with him, let him vent and don’t try to solve his problem. Maybe if he feels heard he eventually won’t feel the need to gripe so much.

I would suggest that he try a serotonin reuptake inhibitor.

If I were you I would ignore him completely untill he can come to grips with himself.

Just put it plain and simple and say “look you have had plenty of time to bitch about this situation of yours and I am tired of hearing it. If you don’t have anything nice or another topic to speak about then don’t say it”!

Repeat as needed.

You could give him a time limit to complain and then tell him you are going to talk about “x”. If he can’t handle that then you’ll need to be “pulled away from the phone by something” when he goes on and on.

Even with a variety of answers, I have to agree with those that say you should draw your boundries and then stick with them. You have a right to live in a positive environment not poisoned by someone else’s negativity. I worked hard to overcome my tentancy to be negative and I won’t go back to that for the benefit of someone else. It is in their best interest to rise above the negative themselves. Don’t tolerate it, but be polite when standing your ground.

I suggest a mixture of the three:

A: Do your best to make his life better so he has less to bitch about

B: Be willing to suffer a little with him, (being sympathetic isn’t supposed to be easy,) and try to change his perspective so that he can deal with things in healthier ways

C: Let him know you can’t take too much negativity and it will drive you and others away if he doesn’t watch it. Make sure he knows you do care, though.

Optional D: if you don’t actually care, do what you got to do to avoid him and any problems he causes

Try to talk about something other than work.

Avoid him. Have nothing to do with him. I think he might get the point if other family starts avoiding him too. Either that or it will give him more to gripe about. You can’t win with people like him. Cutting him out of your life is all you can do. Cut him out and get rid of the negativity. You don’t need it.

My Mom is like that as well and she repeats herself at 91. Love her anyway and reward yourself after you get off the phone. People need support.
My new motto…Practice LOVE

I don’t understand why, if people in the family all get in a bad mood if they have to talk to him, a war would break out if you suddenly stopped. Barring that however, According th some pretty good, life-impacting books that I read called The Celestine Prophecy (Collective groans – “Shut up! They were good I tell you!”), he’s a “poor me” and his manipulation tactic to get energy is to make others around him feel sorry for him and guilty for not helping him more.
Do you talk face to face with him or only on the phone? Would you be willing to read at least the first book in order to better understand him and his reality and how he drains all of you? you can willingly give him some of the energy he needs by simply loving him while you speak with each other. You can then “name the behaviour” to him. you could say something like: “You know, I get the feeling when we talk that you want me to feel guilty or something, like I’m not doing enough to help you. Is there something else that you feel I should do?”
Complete, loving honesty is a good thing, as it shifts the focus directly on what he is doing. He may get defensive but if you keep yourself calm and spotlighted directly on his behaviour you may actually break through and he could get a glimpse of himself.
Then I suggest what my fellow jellies have said. Limit your time with him and I would say my exact reasons to him; “Well, I feel kind of hopeless and out of suggestions for you so I’m going to cut this conversation short. Love you. Bye.”
Having had to deal with a poor me among other things, I understand exactly how frustrated you must be. Take care and good luck.

What a good answer, @Trillian.

The whole family sounds strange.

Well, @thriftymaid, if you’ve been in a family—and I have to assume that you have—wouldn’t you say that “they all are”?

@CyanoticWasp Purrs, writhes, purrs some more!

Maybe he wouldn’t have the money for it, but it might be worth suggesting that he gets a therapist. That way he’ll have someone to moan to, and give him advise, which might be exactly what he’s looking for.

@CyanoticWasp I suppose you are right. This one seems to allow one member too much power keeping everyone in turmoil.

Hi,
many good answers here, I only want to suggest another point of view:
Firstly, accpet him. don’t try to change his mood, he is obviously choosing to be miserable, conciously or unconciously. If you get into conversation just say “oh, that sucks” and “I understnd you” we all need to feel that our pain is met and approved by others, and usually enough of that, helps eventually. Either that or he will choose to take it very far or to his grave, but still there is nothing you can do but let him live his choice.

secondly, the mirror: Ususally we dislike in others parts that we don’t accept in our selfs. do you also complain on and on (maybe not that badly) about diffrent matters in your life instead of accpeting them/ trying to change them? or otherwise: do you do the exact oppsite: do you never allow yourself to complain and be bitter, even though sometimes you feel you’ve really been treated unfairly?

If so, that’s where you should put your work in. You will see that the situation with him will self-resolve then.

…just a thought…

Hey! I have one of them and he’s a real pain in the butt. Mostly I ignore him and only deal with him when we have family business. I can deal with people in pain, my problem is when they are so self-centered and care only for themselves.

I know enough interesting and caring people that I can afford being rebuffed in my occasional attempts to help him see the positive side of life.

Just tell him to STFU!!!!! :-/ & walk away….....

@Scooby that is pretty much what I said but in a more concise form. Good answer.

@Ron_C

Thank you! ;-)

You could let them ramble for a second, and then say, “So, what exactly are your plans to change your situation?”

I would just listen and every once in awhile ask “So how do you feel about that?” He clearly needs somebody to unload on, and why not you? You don’t really have to do anything about it.

Lots of people hate their jobs. He’s behaving like a child. I don’t know the whole story, but I suspect he brought this on himself. I guess there’s no way for you to completely avoid him, but do it as much as you can.

Only talk about yourself. Share your feelings. Tell him or her how the negativity makes you feel.

Maybe a trip to a swanky strip joint. A couple of beers and the nice visuals might work wonders for him. As soon as he starts to whine, wave a dancer over your way. Hopefully you’ll see the other, more fun, side of him and the night will turn out great. Might not be a long-term fix, but eh….at least you tried showing some compassion while everyone else ducks him.

That, and what @trillian said. That first book was good, by the way.