I catch my boyfriend lying about watching porn, however, we watch it together! What should I Do?
I caught him lying about it, cause he was using my computer. I told him that I don’t mind, just don’t lie about it. So, he started using a different laptop. I looked on it one day, I had a hunch that he was lying. And I was right, as soon as he thought he could get away with it, he kept doing it. We finally started watching porn together while we are intimate. I actually like it, told him there is no reason to lie. It’s no big deal. Most recently, I caught him looking at porn in the livingroom while I’m in the other room. He immediately closed out the window. That made me look again and I go to find that he is quite into bukkake. It baffles me how I could be so understanding and he continues to lie. We have a great sex life, I think and don’t understand why he would do that when I am in the other room. I could see if we were apart but I am right there. When I brought it up and asked why he continued to lie he gets mad and tries to flip it on me. He doesn’t seem to understand or doesn’t even acknowledge that it hurts me when he hides things or lies, period, especially when I create an environment where we can talk about and do just about anything together!
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lol. he’s used to being embarrassed about it. give it time.
Just be very careful when he invites his friends round! :-/
can you elaborate scooby?
also, stop yelling at him for it and start teasing him about it. “gotchya” (followed by a blowjob) will help your cause more than “stop hiding this from me, you lying scumbag!”
@missjenn31 can you elaborate scooby?
You said he likes bukkake which is when a bunch of men ejaculate on a woman’s face one after another. He’s saying unless you want that, be “careful”, heh.
He either thinks you wouldn’t like or want to do bukkake, doesn’t want to do that to you, but seeing it turns him on or he’s embarressed by likeing it because he’s ashamed, either way, you’ve agreed you enjoy watching porn it with him, give that time to develop. You guys will work out possible ways to fullfill each other’s fantasy’s in more interesting ways. He’s not trying to hide from you, he just isn’t comfortable sharing that part with you yet. Give him a comfortable place to put it out there for you.
Do you think that means he wants group sex or something? Is it a power thing or a disrespect for women thing?
Yeah but he knows he doesn’t have to lie about it. He straight up says how he only watches it with me now, he’s lying to my face. I don’t like that. Or why would he have to look at porn while I am in the other room? One time I was sleeping all day and he kept coming in to have sex every couple of hours. Go to find out he was watching porn all day in the livingroom and coming to me to get off!! IT’s kind of insulting to know I’m right here and he’d rather be out there.
Why do you keep asking him about it?
“Do you think that means he wants group sex or something? Is it a power thing or a disrespect for women thing?”
it’s a sexual fetish. that’s all. it has nothing to do with womens rights or whatever else. he’s just turned on by something that you find odd. nothing more.
I keep asking him because I don’t understand. He just gets mad and makes it seem like something is wrong with me. He wouldn’t like it if I lied to him. He barley likes me doing anything without him.
Ninja Colin: I don’t ever yell at him about it, I talk and ask him in a normal tone…he just gets all kinds of upset/
You think he secretly wants to do a bukkake? I’ve let him cum on my face before, anytime he wants, really. I guess that’s not enough?
It seems that you are more focused on how you feel about what is going on with him than how he feels about what is going on. If you can try and consider his reasons for lying instead of being upset that he is, he may feel more comfortable talking to you about it.
Maybe he’s embarrassed that he likes it as a solitary activity. People don’t usually lie unless they feel that they are being somehow judged. If he has your permission to do as he pleases, you will have to stop trying to find out what he’s doing, because that doesn’t show trust. If you discover something by accident and he continues to lie, maybe a few hours with a couples counselor would not be amiss.
I hear you exhausted but this is like the 4th time. He keeps lying over and over. I understand why he may lie but he has been given a very comfortable situation in which to talk about it, trust me.
dpworkin: why you say counseling?
It’s great that you accept that he likes porn and that you’re even willing to watch it with him, but he might just want to have some alone time with his porn once in awhile. There’s nothing wrong with him masturbating/watching porn alone sometimes. As long as his hobby isn’t effecting your sex life together, why does it matter?
I just don’t understand why he would when I am in the other room. I am just in there on the computer working, I have my own schedule, we can do whatever, whenever.
Do you believe he has a right to some time to himself, his own mental world within where you don’t intrude? If the porn really doesn’t bother you, perhaps he’s just feeling invaded in a way when he wants to indulge in a private fantasy or something. Do you think you have a right to time away from him or thoughts that are just your own? Young people…. I hate to say this but sometimes very young people are just stuck too far up each others bums, you know? I understand not liking being lied to. But at the same time I think I’d give him his space. If he’d rather be in a closet beating himself off than with me then fine. I’ll pack him a batman lunchbox and hand it through the door and tell him to have a good time… on my way out the door to go out with the girls.
Oh and the other thing, if I masterbate to porn by myself he doesn’t like it. Takes it personal. That’s what is so weird…
@missjenn31 I said a lot of things before I said counseling, and I said counseling because couples with trust issues can benefit from it. I don’t think you need it now, I said you may need it if trust doesn’t build.
escapedone7 – I hear you. But if he’d rather be in a closet beating off then with me, then he can beat off alone. I don’t want to be with someone who would rather beat off than be with me.
I do believe his right to his own time, but I’m literally in the other room, we have a one bedroom. Can’t he wait till I’m at least not around? That is understandable. I just feel like he’s such a hypocrite…I can’t hide anything or have any time…he can be possessive! That’s why it pisses me off…the double standard.
Start watching porn on your own, and do what he does, try to hide it when he looks. Then ask him if likes it, how it makes him feel.
If he won’t let you have any time to yourself on the other hand, you need to ditch this guy. That is not healthy and abusive.
Yes. You should have some freedom and time to yourself as well.
I actually threw away my vibrator to prove a point to him. He doesn’t like me watching it or using toys. He gives me shit for it. But it is ok for him.
Although we watch it together. I ask him if he likes it and he can’t even admit it to my face that he does. I am asking him cause I want to hear that he likes it. It’s ridiculous!!! lol
I would rather have the vibrator than the control freak wanker. Where’s the batteries? Forget that. heh. Sorry for dissin your boyfriend but he sounds like he needs some maturing.. Ever consider older men? I have a theory they improve with age.
If his watching/masturbating to porn isn’t taking away from the amount of sex you want from him then I wouldn’t take it personal but you say he’s doing it while you’re available for sex (am I reading your responses right?) and sometimes coming to you for sex after getting aroused by the porn instead of getting aroused by and with you- I’d be taking that personal too. You say he doesn’t like the idea of you having alone sex time but he continues to do it which says to me he’s got some male/female issues. Is he receptive to talking about his double standards or does he just get irritated and then give you silent treatment or a brush off? I suppose a lot of people could handle it if their partner told them they need outside stimulation in order to get aroused to be with their partner but I’m sure not one of them, I wouldn’t tolerate it very long because there are too many guys out there who are perfectly willing to get aroused by their live woman.
@missjenn31 If you know he likes it, then why pressure him? It’s obvious he’s embarrassed….
A person can be sexually repressed no matter the age. I had a girlfriend that only allowed a few positions (missionary and woman on top…jeez it got boring), refused to admit she had ever masturbated, etc. She was 25! It sounds like he’s just really embarrassed. It may be a very long and slow process for him to relax and totally open up.
Is he new to the world? Has he ever heard of deleting history or even browsing privately (aka porn mode)? Amateur…
Yes but those things too are for amateurs. There are other ways to track activity.
future memory – he doesn’t seem like a prude but I noticed on his computer he was obsessed with porn all the time before we moved in together in August. It stopped like the exact date before he moved in. LOL He said it was a bad habit. He’s like a little kid I swear…
I tried to put on bukkake last night right in front of him—just to make it more comfortable. He got so mad…his face turned red and he threw the laptop. What’s up with that?! I was trying to be cool about it….I’m so confused!!
You’re probaby scaring him….
draconess25— scaring him, how?
persistent for putting something on a computer? No, he just doesn’t want to talk about it, or anything else. Everytime I bring anything up that he doesn’t want to talk about—he says ” Jenn, Come on” and doesn’t even acknowledge what I am saying and gets annoyed. I am just going to drop it. I’m over it!
I’d like to know more about him doing it in the other room while I am here, awake, and able.
Maybe you two need to take a break away from each other.
Chyna: We live together and we may be moving 3000 miles away together. There won’t be a break, it would be a break up or work it out. Can you elaborate why you say break?
@missjenn31
If he’s asking you to drop it then remind him if he’d rather do that than you that there are plenty of other guys out there more than ready willing and able to hit what he’s missing.
neizvestnaya: He says that he would rather do me when I bring it up. But I never actually added that there are plenty that would…if I say something like that he’ll say that its a threat. Anytime I say anything like that he says ‘oh so now you are threatening me…that you’ll just run off with someone else”
It obviously bothers you and he isn’t going to stop watching porn or stop lying about it. Maybe you need to step away from him for awhile to make sure this is the guy you want to be with. Moving 3000 miles away with someone who lies to you could be a big mistake.
@missjenn31
Wow, sounds like he’s just flustered for his private stuff being found out and not quite sure if he’s considered normal or a pervert. Poor guy! I know the stuff I used to look at by myself I wouldn’t exactly want to sit and watch with my partner though there are others I’d be fine with.
@escapedone7 Your theory is right. Men do improve with age. Especially the ones you dont know intimately yet.
Bukkake….ick. keep it in the movies. or on my boobies.
a Lie is a lie, right? IT doesn’t matter what they are lying about. That is what I need to think about…
That is strange that he would hide it when he doesn’t have to. I guess he just wants you to believe he doesn’t watch it for some reason. I would tell him that the lying has to stop now. Honesty is important and continually lying, even about something small, isn’t a good sign.
Thats what I am saying. THANK YOU!!!
He seems to like to watch gang bangs—thats where bukkake’s happen…what does that mean??
Corey D: Thank you so much….well put. Are you guy or girl?
At this point I am trying to figure out how to approach the issue. Bottom line is I’m hurt from the lying…
What exactly are you looking to accomplish here? Obviously he’s uncomfortable, for WHATEVER reason, to go into this with you. You know he watches it, HE knows you know. There are no secrets here, mainly thanks to you. Can’t you just drop it? Geez.
I know this answer will not necessarily be accepted by all here, but I would say he has an addiction to porn. The behaviors of lying, covering up, deciving and deception are all very typical for an addict. Part of the reason he doesn’t let you know what he is doing is because he is ashamed of the fact that he looks at it sometimes when he doesn’t really want to. He just has this compulsion to do it. This can be worked through, but you have to know if he is ready to work on it and if you want to stick it out.
Nope : Listen, if I did that he would freak out. It’s the double standard and lying that bothers me. Get it?
Thanks Sleepdoc. I’ll take that into consideration.
I really like what @sleepdoc has written about a compulsion not necessarily being about something you like.
Men look at porn, women do too. If you had an open enough relationship he would be telling You what sites to go to to see XXX… Lol. So perhaps spring that on him sometime. Tell him to go to a specific site to look up.. whatever and good for you if he looks it up in front of you. I dated a guy that did that. Hid it, but one day I was like, Hey, look up this! See what you find and he was cool about it and all and I walked out of the room knowing he was watching it and he was ok with that. So next time I stepped through I threw out another suggestion. Something else to look up. Lol. It worked for us.He got to look up porn without me getting mad he was lying about it.
Thanks for your suggestion, however I have tried that. We did make some progress this weekend. He now realizes that it’s not worth ruining a relationship for lying over something so stupid. We will see how it goes :)
Thanks everyone for your help. I always read discussion boards but this is my first time posting a question. It helps!!
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